How to Handle People Who Do Not Understand Your Anxious Child

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1Explaining Your Child’s Anxiety to Others

2Dealing with Misunderstandings and Negativity

3Helping Your Child Navigate New Situations

4Helping Your Child Overcome Fears

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Anxiety is a common problem for children and adults alike, but that doesn’t mean everyone understands it. If your child is anxious, others might not understand why they behave in certain ways or are reluctant to do certain things. It can be frustrating to deal with people who think your child is being purposely uncooperative or that their anxiety is “just a phase.” Help people understand your child by explaining anxiety to them and making sure your child’s teachers, coaches, and other authority figures are aware of the condition. To make things easier on your child and yourself in the future, help your child warm up to new situations and teach them skills for dealing with their anxiety effectively.

Steps

Method 1

Method 1 of 4:

Explaining Your Child’s Anxiety to Others

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   Tell teachers and other authority figures about your child’s anxiety. Make sure that adults who interact with your child on a regular basis understand that they have anxious tendencies. Let them know which situations your child is afraid of, and tell them which coping strategies your child uses to calm down.

   • Authority figures like teachers can also update you on how your child manages their anxiety when you’re not around, so check in with them regularly.
   • Anxiety can manifest in a number of ways with children. Some children might panic, cry, or or throw a tantrum. Others might become extremely clingy or stop talking. It is important to understand how your child's anxiety typically expresses itself, so that you can warn teachers, caregivers, and other authority figures.
   • If your child has physical expressions of anxiety--such as headaches, dizziness, or stomach aches--be sure to tell their teachers and school nurses how best to handle these episodes.
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   Teach your child how to explain anxiety to their peers. Siblings, friends, and classmates might be your child's toughest critics. Unfortunately, many children don't have a clear understanding of mental health conditions like anxiety. The best person to discuss this with them is your child themselves. This can help smooth out any confusion, and also create natural advocates when you're not around.

   • You might create a script for your child. For example, you can teach them to say, "I have anxiety. This is a very common condition that makes me worry a lot. I often feel stressed and may need time to warm up in new situations."
   • You should also teach your child how to express their needs in these situations. For example, you might help them learn to say, "I am feeling very anxious right now. Can I have some peace and quiet so that I can relax?"
   • Children of friends or family members may benefit from watching interactive videos or reading books about children with anxiety to better understand the condition.
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   Bring up the issue to the PTA. Attending parent-teacher meetings and bringing up your child's anxiety can offer another way to promote awareness and get advocates. Many parents may be ignorant about anxiety, and if they are educated, they can help explain the condition to their children in a relatable way.

   • Speaking about anxiety at PTA meetings may also help you and other parents devise useful strategies for helping children manage anxiety at school.
   • For example, teachers may start implementing a deep breathing exercise several times a day to help all the children relieve stress.
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Method 2

Method 2 of 4:

Dealing with Misunderstandings and Negativity

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   Think of how you’ll reply to criticism ahead of time. There will always be people out there who think your child’s anxiety is somehow your fault. While their comments can be infuriating, it’s best not to shoot off a snippy response to them. Instead, prepare some neutral replies ahead of time, so you won’t have to scramble for something to say.

   • Shut down the conversation with a reply like, “Noah has gotten much more outgoing lately, and I’m really proud of him,” or, “That’s a family decision, so I’d prefer not to discuss it.”
   • If someone tries to advise you on how to “fix” your child’s anxiety, you can reply with something non-committal like “Oh, that’s interesting,” or, “Hmm, I’ll have to look into that.”
   • Remember, your child should also be learning how to handle negative criticism themselves, so that they can deal with such situations if you are not around. Try to come up with some scripts that your child can use in these situations.
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   Explain that your child cannot just “get over” anxiety. If someone tells you that your child’s anxiety would go away if you just pushed them harder, correct them. Let them know that anxiety is a disorder that can be caused by genetic and neurochemical factors outside a person’s control.
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   Accept that not everyone will understand your child’s anxiety. As disappointing as it can be, no matter how hard you try, some people just won’t understand your anxious child. Instead of letting these people get you down, be proud of your child’s strengths, and continue to help them overcome their fears in a way that works for them.
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   Teach your child how to identify and deal with bullies. If your child struggles with an anxiety disorder, they may get teased about it at school or in the community. It may be wise to proactively help your child recognize bullying and brainstorm ways to stop it.

   • Bullying involves aggressive behaviors like name-calling, making threats, starting rumors, and hitting or punching. Bullying may also involve kids making hurtful jokes or excluding certain children.
   • If your child encounters a bully, they should reach out to a trusted adult at the school like a teacher or counselor. It may also help for them to stay in groups in between classes and walk confidently with their chin up and shoulders back.
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Method 3

Method 3 of 4:

Helping Your Child Navigate New Situations

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   Accompany your child to new places and situations. If possible, put your child’s mind at ease by going with them the first time they visit a new place or meet someone new. Having you by their side can make your child feel less fearful.

   • This works best with young children. Older children may prefer to go new places on their own.
   • For instance, if your child is anxious about starting first grade, take them to visit their new school and meet their teacher before the first day of class.
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   Let your child know what to expect. Anxiety feeds on uncertainty, so tell your child ahead of time what they can expect from a new situation. Look for books or videos designed to help your child understand what will happen.

   • For instance, if your daughter is afraid of going to the dentist, explain what the visit will entail and find a picture book about visiting the dentist to read with her.
   • Emphasize positive things about the event. For instance, tell your daughter that she’ll get to pick a toy from the treasure chest at the end of her dentist appointment.
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   Avoid speaking for your child. It’s fine to support your child in social situations, but don’t step in for them entirely. After helping them make introductions with someone, let them carry their side of the conversation. Only prompt them if they need it.

   • You might want to rescue your child by speaking for them if they are obviously uncomfortable, but this will prevent them from developing the skills they need to talk to people by themselves.
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   Remain calm yourself. It is important to watch how you act around your child. If they are about to face a stressful situation, it is important that you remain calm yourself. Show your child through your behavior, actions, and voice how to deal with situations that might cause anxiety.

   • Use a calm voice, and try to express relaxed body language. Do not tense up by squeezing up your shoulders or crossing your arms. If you are calm, it might help your child feel more at ease.
   • If someone is complaining about your child's anxious behavior, you should still remain calm. As you explain your child's condition, use a soothing voice. This will help show your child healthy conflict resolution skills, and it may prevent worsening the situation.
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Method 4

Method 4 of 4:

Helping Your Child Overcome Fears

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   Respect your child’s fears. You can quickly alienate an anxious child by telling them that their fears are silly. Instead, empathize with them. Your child will trust you if you show them you understand why they’re afraid.

   • For instance, if your child is nervous about making friends, you could say, “I know it can feel scary to meet new people sometimes.”
   • Avoid reinforcing your child’s fears. Just focus on making them feel understood.
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   Avoid forcing your child to do things that scare them. Encourage your child to face their fears, but let them decide when they’re ready to make the leap. If you push your child to do something they’re unprepared for, they will fear the situation even more next time.
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   Avoid making anxiety seem like a big deal. Make sure your child knows there’s nothing wrong with them for being anxious. Tell them that lots of people are anxious sometimes and that there are many different ways to manage the feeling.
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   Model confident behavior. If you act anxious in certain situations, your child will learn to be anxious, too. Provide a good example by acting confident and showing your child how to manage anxiety appropriately.

   • You don’t have to pretend you’re never afraid. However, you should focus on the actions you take to manage your fear.
   • For example, if you’re anxious about an oncoming storm, emphasize the behaviors you take to stay safe, such as staying inside and keeping an emergency supply kit on hand.
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   Help your child talk through their anxiety. When your child expresses anxiety, help them get to the bottom of it. Once you’ve discovered their root fear, you’ll be better equipped to help them develop coping strategies.

   • For instance, if your son is anxious about going to school, a discussion might reveal that he’s nervous about talking in class. After finding this out, you could help him come up with some ways to make talking in class less scary.
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   Praise your child for being brave. When your child feels anxious about something but does it anyways, tell them how proud you are. The positive reinforcement will build your child’s self-esteem and motivate them to keep working on overcoming their fears.
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   Visit a child therapist. While family support is important for your child, they should also see a therapist. A therapist can give your child Cognitive Behavior Therapy. In this type of therapy, the therapist will talk to the child to identify the causes of anxiety and teach them healthy coping mechanisms.
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