How to Handle Loved Ones Critical of Your Divorce

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1Explaining Your Divorce

2Responding to Criticism

3Finding Support

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Making the choice to end a marriage is never an easy one, no matter the circumstances. When it comes to sharing the news of your divorce with family and friends, it’s impossible to guess their reactions. If your marriage was notably rocky and unhealthy, your loved ones may be in favor of it ending. However, if loved ones aren’t aware of any problems in your marriage, or if they have a strong stance against divorces in general, the news may be met with criticism. Remember first that you do not have to justify all of your choices to others. Instead, focus on conveying your intentions and informing others about actions you feel you want to discuss. Handle loved ones who are critical of your divorces by carefully explaining the context of your marital problems, confronting those who are critical, and finding support elsewhere.

Steps

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Explaining Your Divorce

1. 
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   Decide how much you’re comfortable revealing. You may be able to overcome criticism about your divorce by opening up about your reasons. Some family and friends may not be privy to the details of your relationship, and may need to be brought up to speed. Put some thought into how much you want to share with family and friends.

   • In some cases, depending on how close you are to the other person, more of an explanation may be required to get their support.
   • It may even be nice to practice what you are going to say and how you will respond to possible questions.
2. 
   2
   Start with people who you expect to be supportive. It can help you build morale if you begin breaking the news to loved ones who you expect to be supportive. This is a smart way to “rehearse” for the more challenging conversations you will have later.

   • For instance, if you have a supportive friend or sibling, start with them. You might say, “So, we have decided to move forward with a divorce. Despite going to counseling, we are fighting every day. Our staying together is only making everyone involved suffer, including the kids. Can I count on your support through this difficult time?”
3. 
   3
   Break the news together, if you are amicable. If you and your future ex are on friendly terms after the split, it may be wise to share the news with conservative loved ones together. This demonstrates a unified front about the decision, and prevents any side from being labeled the “bad guy.”

   • You might say, “Mom, Dad, Michael and I have decided to get a divorce. We understand that you all are against divorce, but our marriage has reached an irrevocable place. We think it’s best for us to split before any more damage is done.”
4. 
   4
   Find allies to help you break the news. If going into your discussions you expect someone to be critical, consider bringing in reinforcements. You might have a sympathetic friend or sibling accompany you when you break the news as a show of support. You might also ask this person to have an isolated conversation with your critical loved ones afterwards in order to plead your case.

   • For example, you might tell a sibling, “Our parents are going to hate me forever because of my divorce. Will you please talk to them on my behalf? They have always respected your opinion.”
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Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Responding to Criticism

1. 
   1
   Explain how hurt you are by their remarks. If, despite your best efforts, your loved ones continue to be critical of your divorce, you may need to confront them. It’s possible they aren’t aware of how hurtful their response has been. Perhaps expressing your feelings will help resolve the disagreement.

   • You might say, “I know you don’t believe in divorce. I didn’t either until I arrived at this point. It hurts me to know I can’t count on your support. I feel all alone.”
2. 
   2
   Request that they support your decision. Speak up for yourself by gently asking your loved ones to kindly support your decision, even if they don’t necessarily agree with it. They love you, and likely want what’s best for you. So, simply ask if they can try to be more understanding.

   • Your request might sound like, “I know you regret going through your own divorce, and you think I’m making a mistake. But, please understand that my situation is different. I really need you right now. Could you please support my decision?”
3. 
   3
   Be patient. If your loved ones have developed a relationship with your spouse, it can be hard to come to terms with changing roles. Their criticism may just be a confused way of coping with their own feelings about your divorce. Give them space. In time, they may come around.

   • Your loved one may have formed a connection with your spouse over time which led them to certain opinions regarding your partner. It may initially be difficult for them to see your reasons for wanting a divorce because of this connection.
4. 
   4
   Stay away from disapproving people. Going through a divorce can be hard enough without a critical audience. If some family and friends don’t understand your decision, it may be best to get some distance from them as you go through this process.

   • After seeing you healthier and happier outside of an unhappy relationship, they may start to understand and be empathetic to your situation.
   • In the meantime, simply avoid making too much contact with people whom you know are negative or disapproving.
5. 
   5
   Perform self-care. Coping with a divorce is a stressful, emotional process—one with no clear deadline. Dealing with criticism from loved ones may complicate the process even more. Be sure to be gentle on yourself and nurture your mind, body, and spirit.

   • Eat nourishing foods like fresh produce, lean protein, and whole grains. Drink plenty of water. Stay away from unhealthy coping tools like alcohol or drugs. Cut down on fast foods or empty-calorie junk foods that don’t support your health.
   • Manage your stress by trying relaxation techniques such as yoga, meditation, or deep breathing. Do things you enjoy like playing board games with family, seeing a new movie, or reading an interesting novel.
   • Try to spend your time on self-care activities that promote both your physical and mental well-being, as they can go a long way in making you feel better about yourself during a difficult divorce.
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Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Finding Support

1. 
   1
   Lean on non-critical friends and family. Empathetic loved ones are priceless during a confusing life experience like divorce. Turn to your core support group to offset any negative feedback you get from others.

   • Instead, reach out to those who are value you and support your decision. Express your appreciation for these non-critical people by saying something like “You know, I really appreciate you being there for me. It’s been really difficult with so many family members criticizing my choices. I’m glad to have your listening ear. Thank you.”
2. 
   2
   Join a support group for the divorced. Spending time with people who are going through a similar experience may also be a comfort as you cope with divorce. A support group features non-judgmental individuals who are all trying to come to terms with a divorce. These individuals may offer you hope about your future and may even have stories about critical family members who eventually came around.

   • Reach out to your divorce attorney or spiritual organization. They may be able to refer you to a support group in your area. You might also research local and web-based groups online.
3. 
   3
   Talk to a therapist. The impartial advice of a marriage and family therapist is a valuable resource to have as you navigate your divorce. Professional therapists are trained to help you manage common problems associated with divorce such as confused children and unsupportive loved ones. Your therapist can also recommend healthy ways to express and cope with your feelings.

   • Ask your family doctor about a mental health therapist in your area. Look for one who has experience working with divorced individuals.
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Expert Q&A

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• Question

  How do you get over a divorce you don't want?

  

  Jin S. Kim, MA
  Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist

  Jin Kim is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist based out of Los Angeles, California. Jin specializes in working with LGBTQ individuals, people of color, and those that may have challenges related to reconciling multiple and intersectional identities. Jin received his Masters in Clinical Psychology from Antioch University Los Angeles, with a specialization in LGBT-Affirming Psychology, in 2015.

  

  Jin S. Kim, MA

  Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist

  Expert Answer

  Talking to a supportive friend can even be helpful for you in processing the divorce. If you know your friend to be supportive and understanding, don't be afraid to open up to them.

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• Question

  What are some tips for getting through a divorce?

  

  Jin S. Kim, MA
  Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist

  Jin Kim is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist based out of Los Angeles, California. Jin specializes in working with LGBTQ individuals, people of color, and those that may have challenges related to reconciling multiple and intersectional identities. Jin received his Masters in Clinical Psychology from Antioch University Los Angeles, with a specialization in LGBT-Affirming Psychology, in 2015.

  

  Jin S. Kim, MA

  Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist

  Expert Answer

  Aside from the necessary legal preparations, it would be ideal for people to also focus on their mental health by seeing a licensed therapist, regularly interfacing with their support network and keeping up with self-care activities that address both emotional and physical well-being.

  Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
  Thank you for your feedback.
  If How.com.vn has helped you, please consider a small contribution to support us in helping more readers like you. We’re committed to providing the world with free how-to resources, and even $1 helps us in our mission.Support How.com.vn

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