How to Give Your Toddler Rewards Instead of Bribes

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1Changing Your Tactics

2Helping Your Child to Learn the Right Behavior

3Understanding Why Bribes Aren’t Helpful

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The toddler years are known for being tricky. This age group is learning how to be defiant and wants to set their own rules. As a result, parents often resort to desperate measures to get their toddlers to do what they want. If you’ve found that bribing is your main form of parenting, it’s time to change that. You can give your toddler rewards instead of bribes by changing your tactics, and helping your child learn the right behavior. Finally, it can help to understand why bribes can be detrimental to your child's development.

Steps

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Changing Your Tactics

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   Create a game that reinforces good habits. Think of a fun game your toddler can enjoy while performing the task instead of offering a bribe. Creating a game takes the focus off of the result and teaches them the behaviors they need to learn to get to that result. A game also creates the incentive of a challenge, which most kids enjoy.

   • For example, play a game of who can use the potty the most during the day, you or your toddler. Or, who can pick up the most toys off of the floor in a certain amount of time. Games make the task fun and teach them how to engage in the behaviors.
   • Make sure you are not simply letting your child win, though, as this is no better than a bribe. Foster gracious losing, and encourage them to do better by challenging them to beat their own records.
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   Let your child take the lead. Encourage your child to make the right decision instead of bribing them to do so. Creating an environment that allows them to ultimately come up with the appropriate choice makes it easier on you and helps them with problem-solving skills.

   • For instance, if your child refuses to change out of their Halloween costume before going to bed, allow them to try to sleep in it. Eventually, they will likely realize that the costume is uncomfortable and will ask to change into their pajamas. They learn to make the right decisions on their own and you don’t have to bribe them to do it.
   • Follow up with your child after they've made a decision. Talk to them about how they worked out their choices to help them learn.
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3. 
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   Give surprise rewards. The difference between bribing and rewarding is bribes are talked about beforehand, whereas rewards are mentioned after the fact. Giving your child a reward for good behavior or performing a good deed is essentially a surprise, as it’s not usually known until afterwards. Surprise rewards teach children that if they behave, good things are coming down the pipe for them at some point, though maybe not on demand or all the time.

   • Avoid giving your child rewards each time they do something, as it may make them expect it. Instead, offer rewards occasionally, especially if they complete a task or perform a behavior that is special. This can change the thinking that bad behavior earns what they want, like bribes can do.
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Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Helping Your Child to Learn the Right Behavior

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   Set an example. Exhibit the same behavior you want your child to display, instead of bribing them to do it. Children watch your each and every move and take in both the good and the bad. If you only do certain things because you expect to receive something after, they will too. Instead, do what you’re supposed to because you should.

   • Talk to your children about what you’re doing so they understand. For example, you could say “I’m bringing our neighbor some soup because they don’t feel good and it may make them feel better.” Or, “I’m returning this wallet I found because it doesn’t belong to me and the owner really needs it.”
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   Take a closer look at behavior. Try to figure out why your toddler is behaving particularly badly, instead of bribing them to stop acting that way. Your child may exhibit out-of-character behavior if they are upset or sick. Take this into consideration before you think about bribing.

   • For example, ask your child if they want to take a nap or if they want food. Being tired and hungry are major triggers of temper tantrums. Acknowledging these needs can stop the temper tantrum and prevent you from rewarding bad behavior.
   • If tantrums or defiance have become a chronic problem, consider consulting a mental health professional to look for a larger problem.
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   Remove and prepare for the bad behavior triggers when you can. Your child may consistently react badly to certain situations. Sometimes these situations are avoidable, and sometimes they aren’t. Do what you can to remove these triggers, or at least prepare yourself for them. Doing so can stop you and your toddler from losing control.

   • For instance, if you know that getting up and going to preschool usually causes a temper tantrum, do what you can to remove as much stress as possible. This could mean your child going to sleep in what they will wear the next day, or having them eat breakfast on the way to school. Preparation can stop you from bribing them to get dressed or eat their food.
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1. 1
   • Do everything you can to protect your child's nap times. Compromising on naps is one of the leading causes of misbehavior.
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   Be patient. Understand you’re going to hit bumps in the road. Parenting isn’t one-size-fits-all. Unfortunately, talking to your toddler isn’t always going to work in the midst of a full-blown temper tantrum. You may need to resort to bribing sometimes, and that’s OK. Doing your best is all you can do.

   • Explain to your child why you had to do what you did, and that it’s not always going to happen. Putting this out there teaches them that they won’t always get a reward when they throw a fit and that next time, perhaps they will be punished for their behavior.
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Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Understanding Why Bribes Aren’t Helpful

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   Question whether bribes give your child the wrong impression. Bribing a child to do something puts out a message that what you are asking is going to be unenjoyable and unbearable. They may think they aren’t going to like it if they have to be bribed to do it. Bribing also puts out the notion that they have a choice in the matter, when they don’t.

   • Talk to your child about why what you’re asking them to do is important, instead of offering a bribe. You could say, “I understand you don’t want to go to the dentist, but keeping your teeth clean and healthy can stop them from hurting.” Avoid using words like “must” and “should,” as they will likely feel like they are being pushed around.
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   Realize that good behavior built on bribing won't last. Every parent has bribed their children at some point in their lives. Some may have even made a habit of it. Creating a pattern like this, however, can make your children think they have power in this situation. They may get to the point where they refuse to do anything unless there is a bribe involved.

   • For example, you might promise your toddler that you will buy them candy, if they behave appropriately at the doctor's office. If you decide not to give them candy, or you forget to offer the bride on one occasion, they may misbehave in the waiting room. They no longer have any reason to be on their best behavior.
   • This only contributes to their bad behavior as you create inconsistent standards.
3. 
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   See that bribes send the message that bad behavior is rewarded. Bribes are typically given out in moments of stress. You offer your child something to stop them from behaving badly, like if they are throwing a temper tantrum at a grocery store. Over time, they will learn that they can get what they want if they scream and have a fit.

   • The best way to break this habit is to stop bribing them during these moments of duress. They will eventually learn that having a hissy fit won’t bring them a reward.
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   Notice that bribes rob your child of self-satisfaction. Children won’t experience the joy of simply feeling good about themselves for doing what they should if they are given bribes for doing it. The sheer act of getting an “A” on a report card or completing a book by themselves boosts their self-confidence when they do it on their own. Doing a good job only because of a bribe robs them of this confidence boost.

   • You can still celebrate a job well done. Taking your kids out for ice cream is perfectly fine when they’ve done something worth celebrating. However, don’t bribe your children with it: reward them as a surprise.
   • If your child asks for a certain object or privilege, have a conversation with them about their behavior. Let them know whether their behavior over the last few hours or days is worthy of this treat.
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Expert Q&A

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• Question

  Why shouldn't I bribe my children?

  

  Wits End Parenting
  Parenting Specialists

  Wits End Parenting is a parent-coaching practice based in Berkeley, California specializing in strong-willed, “spirited” children with impulsivity, emotional volatility, difficulty “listening,” defiance, and aggression. Wits End Parenting's counselors incorporate positive discipline that is tailored to each child’s temperament while also providing long-term results, freeing parents from the need to continually re-invent their discipline strategies.

  

  Wits End Parenting

  Parenting Specialists

  Expert Answer

  If you bribe them, they might expect a reward even when they behave badly. Only give them rewards when they're acting exceptionally.

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