How to Get Your Parents to Stop Yelling at You for Swearing

There are many different viewpoints and opinions on swearing, from it being a normal part of human experience to being vulgar and unnecessary. Typically the greatest difference in opinions occurs between parents and their children. So if you are frustrated with your parents for yelling at you for swearing, here's how to help make the situation calmer.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Clarifying Expectations with a Conversation

1
Stay calm. If you are speaking about a sensitive topic with your parents be calm and try not to raise your voice. In emotionally charged conversations it can be easy to let emotions get the better of us. If you start yelling, your parents are likely to start yelling, too. Avoid using sarcasm, name-calling, interrupting, and especially swearing. This is important to you, show that to your parents by taking the conversation seriously.^{[1]XExpert SourceLiana Georgoulis, PsyD
Licensed PsychologistExpert Interview. 6 September 2018.} If you (or your parents) are struggling to stay calm, try these tips:
- Take a deep breath, or several deep breaths. Breathe slowly in through your nose and out through your mouth.
- Count to five or ten. Counting can help reduce any intense feelings.
- Remind yourself why you want to have the conversation in the first place and that anger may only result in yelling.
2
Be brave, clear, and honest. It can be difficult to talk to parents about certain topics, especially if it is something they disagree with. ^{[2]XResearch source} ^{[3]XResearch source} Remind yourself that you are standing up for something you want. Speak clearly about what you want and how you feel, and be honest about why. ^{[4]XResearch source} Stay on the topic of swearing, try not to let the discussion lead into any other arguments or problems between you and your parents.^{[5]XResearch source} Here are some examples:
- "Mom, Dad, I'd like to talk with you about swearing. Do you have time to talk now?"
3
"I really want the ability to choose how I express myself, and this is comfortable for me right now. I understand it is not comfortable for you, so what can we do about that?"
- "I would really like it if we could make an agreement or a compromise."
4
Encourage better communication. In addition to what you are doing to change the way you communicate, encourage your parents to communicate with you more effectively as well. Chances are, they are as frustrated as you and would welcome some suggestions for changes. A good start is to tell them how their yelling makes you feel and offer alternatives to yelling for them.^{[6]XExpert SourceLiana Georgoulis, PsyD
Licensed PsychologistExpert Interview. 6 September 2018.}
- "I feel frustrated and angry when I get yelled at for swearing, because..."
- "When you are yelling at me, It's like I'm getting in trouble for expressing how I feel."
- "It's difficult for me to not yell back when you yell at me. It may be easier for me to be calmer if you are calmer."
- "Instead of yelling, would it be possible to calmly remind me of our agreement or ask me what is wrong?"
5
Show mutual respect. You want your parents to listen to you and respect your choice, without yelling, so you should be willing to do the same. Really listen to what they are saying, it may help you understand where they are coming from as well as help you navigate towards getting what you want. Also, as stressed as you might feel realize that your parents may be just as stressed as well. ^{[7]XResearch source} Accept that both your experience and their experience are valid, and give each other a break. Here are some ways you can show respect in addition to actively listening:
- Make eye contact.
- Be polite. Say "please," don't roll your eyes, and try not to interrupt.
- Show gratitude. You can always say "Thank you for talking to me about this, I know it can't be easy for either of us."
- Ask questions for clarification. If you are confused about something, ask "I don't understand, could you explain that a little more?" This will help avoid assumptions.
- Respectfully disagree. Instead of yelling "No, you're wrong!" try saying "I hear what you are saying. From my point of view, though, it seems different because..."
Instead of saying “You curse all the time, why can't I?” Try wording it, “I feel like I should be able to curse around you if you can curse around me. I feel like that is fair.” Using "I" statements instead of "you" statements keeps others from feeling like they are being blamed and helps you communicate how you are feeling. ^{[8]XResearch source}
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Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Setting Up an Agreement

Compromise means you will not get everything you want, and your parents will not get everything they want, but you will both get parts of what you want. Be willing to meet your parents halfway. You will be able to agree to a compromise where your parents yell at you less or not at all, and your parents will feel their wishes are more respected.
2
Advocate for yourself. The goal is to get your parents to stop yelling at you. Whatever the agreement is, your parents will expect you to uphold it. You should expect the same from them! In the agreement, advocate for it to include your parents not yelling at you. ^{[9]XResearch source} Try:
- "If we agree that I will limit my swearing, I would also like to agree that I will not get yelled at if I occasionally make a mistake."
- "Let's talk about what we both can change to make it better."
- "Instead of yelling, could you agree to try something else instead?"
3
Plan ahead for the conversation. It might be helpful to think about who you are going to talk to, when, where, and get a good idea of how to start the conversation ahead of time. ^{[10]XResearch source} ^{[11]XResearch source} This will help show how important it is to you and that you are taking it seriously.
- Who? Think about if you want to talk to just your Mom, just your Dad, or both at the same time.
- When? Pick a time when both you and your parents are calm and content. Make sure not to choose a time when you or they are tired, angry, or have just fought as it might make the discussion more difficult and your parents more likely to yell.
- Where? Think about where you would be comfortable talking to your parents. At home? Going out to eat?
4
Bring agreements or suggestions. When thinking about a compromise, consider what you are willing to agree to and what you think would be fair.^{[12]XExpert SourceLiana Georgoulis, PsyD
Licensed PsychologistExpert Interview. 6 September 2018.}^{[13]XResearch source} Be considerate and get creative!
- Having a "swear jar" where you have to put in money or take a chore from everytime a swear is used or you get yelled at for slipping up. If you have to put money in, maybe make a reward that if you don't swear for a month, you get to take the money back!
- A set amount of swear words you are allowed to use per week.
- An agreement for use of certain words and not others.
- Being able to swear in certain places or in front of certain people.
- What consequences will there be if you the agreement is broken by you or your parents, and what rewards if you are successful.
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Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Changing Your Behavior

Try cutting back on swearing in front of your parents, at least. Breaking habits is difficult at best, but it is possible to practice a new habit over the unwanted one and change it. ^{[14]XResearch source} While this may not be the most desirable solution it will help avoid yelling and punishments from swearing.
2
Figure out why you are swearing. Thinking about why you are swearing and who the swearing is directed at could be very helpful. If you are swearing at your parents, their yelling could just be a defense. If you are swearing about something else, you might be able to get your parents to understand what you are going through and be more on your side. Here are some possibilities:
- Are you cursing at your parents? If so, why? If it is the result of conflict between you and your parents it may be from frustration, feeling like you are not being heard, feeling like you don't have the independence you want, changes, etc. ^{[15]XResearch source}
- Are you cursing around them about other things? Maybe there is something going with your friends or with school. Talk to your parents about it.
- Are you in pain? Swearing is a common response to physical and emotional pain. ^{[16]XResearch source}
3
Replace your swearing. It might help to replace your swears with alternate words, blanks, or beeps. You can begin by looking at why swear words are swears in the first place. ^{[17]XResearch source} A better understanding of the swear words may help you come up with alternatives for yourself.
- You can try replacing your swearing with alternate words that mean the same thing. For example, replace “hell” with “heck” or "damn" with "darn." You could even try cursing in other languages.
- Find the alternate swears that are used in movies or TV shows for censorship. Pick your favorite and use that. “Son of a nutcracker!” from Elf, for example.
- You can also research swearing that used to be considered swears but aren't anymore. ^{[18]XResearch source}
- Sensor yourself with leaving the word silent, using just the first letter, or putting in a “beep” or a “bleep.” For example, “What the h is going on?” or “What the bleep!”
Chances are, you will slip up because changing habits is hard, and that's okay. ^{[19]XResearch source} Give yourself some time and a little slack, but if you violate the compromise you made, apologize. It will go a long way to possibly avoiding punishments and to keeping the communication open. ^{[20]XResearch source}
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