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This article was co-authored by Jessica Swenson. Dr. Jessica Swenson is a Community Psychologist & Licensed Clinical Therapist and the Founder of Transformative Growth Counseling. With over 10 years of experience, she specializes in relationships—both romantic and familial. She earned her PhD in Community Psychology from National Louis University and her MS in Clinical Psychology from Roosevelt University. She’s also a Certified Clinical Trauma Professional.
This article has been viewed 276,298 times.
Once a relationship has progressed, you and your girlfriend may decide that it is a good idea to move in together. It is typically much cheaper to live with your partner rather than maintain separate households. You save money on rent, utilities, gas, and even food. Unfortunately, sometimes relationships don’t work out and you will be faced with the challenge of getting her to move out of your home. In some cases, she might agree that things are over and readily move out. Other times, you might have to reason with her, be very clear that the relationship is over, or even use legal methods.
Steps
Have an honest face-to-face conversation. Your first step should be to try to work out a solution to your living arrangements by talking face-to-face. Be honest with your girlfriend about wanting her to move out. If there are problems in your relationship, chances are she feels this tension too and will not be too surprised to hear that you want her to move out. Discuss reasonable options with her and try to come to a consensus.[1]- Take some time before initiating the conversation to brainstorm a few ideas to present. Think about if she has a friend or family member she could stay with, or if you're willing to continue living together until she finds a new living situation. Don't tell her what to do — rather, offer a few possibilities.
- Say something like, “I know that we thought that moving in together would be a good idea but it just doesn’t seem to be working. Since the apartment was originally mine, I was thinking it would be best if you were the one to move out.”
- You will likely need to have a few conversations about how you will proceed. If the first conversation about moving is taking place right when you break up, it will likely be difficult for her to make decisions. Allow her some time to process and come to terms with what is happening.
- If there are children involved, this is definitely the preferred method. You should consider the best living situation for the kids.[2]
Offer her financial assistance. There is a huge financial burden in moving. She may need a security deposit on a new apartment and utilities. She may also need a moving truck and some furniture. Since this was a mutual relationship, it might be unfair to lay the entire financial obligation of a separation on your girlfriend’s shoulders. Consider splitting the financial costs of moving.[3]- To determine if such a financial split is fair or necessary, think about how much the two of you make. If you make the same or more money than her, it might be unreasonable to ask her to bear the entire burden of a move. If she makes considerably more money than you, there may be no need to help financially.
- Another option is to allow her to continue living with you while she saves up money for a security deposit and other expenses.
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Be willing to provide physical assistance. The act of moving things out can be difficult to deal with. She might even need help to physically move some of the bigger items out (like a couch). She will need manpower to make the move happen. Offer to help her move large pieces of furniture and boxes to her new space.[4]- If you are breaking up, your physical assistance may not be welcomed.
- If you are on good terms, however, asking a few friends to help out may make things less awkward and speed up the process.
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Be direct. If you and your girlfriend are unable to come to an agreement, you may try to make it clear that she is no longer welcome in your home. She may be trying to hold onto your relationship long enough for the troubles to blow over. If you are serious about wanting her to leave, make it clear by being honest and upfront with her.[5]- Once you’ve been clear, you might want to be absent from the home a little more. Give her the time/space to move out, and avoid falling back into your previous relationship roles.[6]
- If she keeps pushing the issue, gently remind her that you've made up your mind and you are no longer willing to discuss it.
Pack her bags. Packing her bags sends a very clear message that you want her to leave. This method is pretty harsh and will more than likely upset her. If you do choose to pack her bags, do so neatly and carefully. Do not break her things. If the two of you own things together (like a couch or bed), it may be difficult to just pack her things. You might need to reach some agreement as to who keeps what.[7]
Consider moving out yourself. You might have good reason for asking her to leave, like you own the home and she doesn’t. If that’s not the case, you should consider moving out of the home yourself. She may have just as much claim to the home as you, and the two of you will have to come to some sort of agreement.[8]- If your girlfriend is refusing to accept the breakup, then moving out may be the best solution. Decide if keeping the place yourself is worth this dragging out.
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Check your lease agreement. If you are the sole tenant on the lease and you are not married, you have the right to make the decision. In fact, if her name is not on the lease you may be violating your lease altogether. However, if both of your names are on the lease, she has every right to remain in the home.
Give her a request in writing. If she does not have the legal right to remain in the home, consider giving her a written request to leave. This can be done by you or your landlord. The request should give a moving deadline.[9]- If she does have rights to stay (e.g. she is on the lease), you might still consider giving her a written request to leave. This will give you proof of an exact date that she was asked to leave if things go to court.
- Most states require you to give a certain amount of notice when you ask someone to move out, such as 30 days. Follow your state's eviction laws to ensure things go smoothly and you don't run into legal trouble down the line.
Take legal steps if you fear for your safety. If your girlfriend is abusive or you fear she will become violent, aggressive, or retaliate against you, then you need to protect yourself. It may be best for you to give your girlfriend a formal eviction notice and stay somewhere else temporarily while she moves out. You may also need to contact the police or request a temporary restraining order against your girlfriend.- Make sure you are never alone with your girlfriend and change the locks once she has moved out.
Go to the police. If you have followed all of the previous steps but she is still unwilling to move you can go to the police. They may evaluate the lease agreement and make a determination themselves. Or, you may have to go to court to settle the dispute. This should only be used as a last resort.- If she is on the lease or deed, the police are unlikely to remove her from the house.
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Tips
- Be polite and understanding. You are likely to work it out amicably if you really try.Thanks
- Give her some time to deal with the separation. Don’t expect that she leave immediately.Thanks
- Give her ample time to pack and move.Thanks
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Warnings
- Sometimes breakups can become very heated and even violent. Call the police if you think that you are in any danger.Thanks
- Make sure that you understand your city, state, or country’s laws. Doing something like changing the locks may be illegal in your circumstance.Thanks
- She may be very angry for being asked to move out.Thanks
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References
- ↑ https://www.brickunderground.com/blog/2014/07/how_to_kick_out_a_roommate_without_bloodshed
- ↑ https://www.cbabc.org/For-the-Public/Dial-A-Law/Scripts/Family-Law/116
- ↑ https://www.brickunderground.com/blog/2014/07/how_to_kick_out_a_roommate_without_bloodshed
- ↑ https://www.glamour.com/story/7-ways-to-manage-a-break-up-wh
- ↑ https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/soloish/wp/2016/04/15/how-to-break-up/?utm_term=.97aebb5e6739
- ↑ https://www.glamour.com/story/7-ways-to-manage-a-break-up-wh
- ↑ https://www.glamour.com/story/7-ways-to-manage-a-break-up-wh
- ↑ https://www.glamour.com/story/7-ways-to-manage-a-break-up-wh
- ↑ https://www.brickunderground.com/blog/2014/07/how_to_kick_out_a_roommate_without_bloodshed
About This Article
Community Psychologist & Licensed Clinical Therapist
This article was co-authored by Jessica Swenson. Dr. Jessica Swenson is a Community Psychologist & Licensed Clinical Therapist and the Founder of Transformative Growth Counseling. With over 10 years of experience, she specializes in relationships—both romantic and familial. She earned her PhD in Community Psychology from National Louis University and her MS in Clinical Psychology from Roosevelt University. She’s also a Certified Clinical Trauma Professional. This article has been viewed 276,298 times.
Co-authors: 22
Updated: March 23, 2024
Views: 276,298
Categories: Breaking Up
Article SummaryX
If living together with your girlfriend isn’t working out, it will probably be easiest to help her move out. Calmly and clearly tell her that you want her to move out. Say something like, “I know that we thought that moving in together would be a good idea but it just doesn’t seem to be working." Try to come to a compromise about how long she'll stay. If she needs money to hire a van or make a down payment on a new place, consider lending her it so she can move out sooner. You can also offer to help her pack her things and make arrangements to move out to make things easier for her. If she refuses to leave after you've tried to compromise with her, pack her things while she's out and tell her she needs to leave. For more tips from our co-author, including how to write a legal request to move out, read on.
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