How to Get Used to a Dating Relationship when You Have Been Married

If you're divorced, legally separated, or widowed, you may feel like dating again, and finding love is sometimes an overwhelming process. You may feel that things are too different from when you dated before you got married, or that there aren't as many eligible partners in your age group. Remember that there are always opportunities to start over, and start fresh, but it may take both time and willingness to try.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Being Open to Dating

1
Be passionate about life. While married, you may have fallen into a routine of doing things a certain way, or on a certain schedule. Consider new experiences. If there are things that you had always wanted to do, but never did, then go do them. Find things that interest you, outside of what your family, children, or friends may already be doing. Being passionate about something is an attractive quality to a potential new partner.^{[1]XExpert SourceJohn Keegan
Dating CoachExpert Interview. 8 April 2021.}
- Get active. Go to the gym. Join a fitness or activity group. Be outdoors.
- Get creative. Make art or music. Attend an art class. Write stories. Build things.
- Get happy. Do things that relax and boost your spirits. Make time for fun.
2
Have realistic expectations. There are many things you may have come to rely on during your marriage, including a sense of security or having certain expectations of your spouse. Remind yourself that you are starting with a clean slate and that things will be different when you begin dating.^{[2]XExpert SourceJohn Keegan
Dating CoachExpert Interview. 8 April 2021.} Your date may not know your expectations from your marriage or even be willing to live up to them. In addition, remember that dating relationships are not necessarily committed or monogamous.
- Have a conversation early on about your expectations of the relationship. If you are looking for a committed, long-term, monogamous relationship, then let your date know. If that's not what your date is looking for, you may need to move on. Making sure you are on the same page on these subjects may save you some heartache and frustration down the line.
- Remember, too, that a dating relationship doesn't have the same security as a marriage. Try to become comfortable with the possibly transitionary and ambiguous nature of dating — at least until the relationship reaches that level naturally.
- For instance, you may encounter "ghosting," which is when someone tries to end things with you by ceasing to respond to texts, emails, and calls. This can be a confusing and painful experience, but try not to take it personally or continue to pursue that person.
3
Meet new people in different ways. Dating should be about having fun and trying new things. The modern world is filled with ways to connect with other singles.^{[3]XExpert SourceJohn Keegan
Dating CoachExpert Interview. 8 April 2021.} Get out of your comfort zone. Consider these ways to find dates: ^{[4]XResearch source}
- Singles' groups or other group activities like an outdoor club or volunteer group.
- Speed dating events. It's a way to meet a lot of other single people and find out if there's an initial spark.
- Networking or alumni events. If you're career-oriented, you may want to find some like-minded people.
4
Try online dating. At any age, online dating is a great resource for meeting new people. This has become a common way to connect with people in your community. There are many ways to date online, and you can cater the experience to your interests, age, background, or faith.^{[5]XTrustworthy SourcePew Research CenterNonpartisan thinktank conducting research and providing information on public opinion, demographic trends, and social trendsGo to source}
- Create a profile that focuses on your strengths and diverse interests. Consider asking a friend to help you edit and craft your profile to make it appealing.
- Messages sent through dating apps or emails are like trying to get someone's attention in person. Be open-minded. Flirt in the ways you like and feel comfortable.
5
Connect with other single friends. If you're new to the dating scene after marriage, you may be wondering what to expect. Find your single (or also newly-single) friends, and talk with them openly about any fears or concerns
- Avoid seeing yourself as the odd-person-out. You are starting a new adventure, and you have the freedom to choose what happens next.
- Go out with other single friends and identity the good and bad of the new dating scene. Depending on how long you've been out of the dating circuit, it may feel strange with new and different ways of interacting.
- Kindness, chivalry, and good manners never go out of style in the dating world.^{[6]XResearch source}
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Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Making Dating Fun

1
Keep things casual at first. Don't plan out your life with someone on the first date. Enjoy the time in the present and find ways to have fun. After being in a long-term committed relationship, you may want to act like a married person, but now is the time to explore new things and new people.
- Laugh, smile, and be happy. When you're dating, it's about being free to have fun. If you're not feeling that, you don't have to be there. Surround yourself with the people and things that make you feel at ease.
- Avoid misleading people who may have greater expectations, or conversely, having greater expectations about someone who you only met once or twice.
2
Find common interests and values. Keep the conversation fun with topics that interest both of you. You don't have the focus only on being with people that are the exact same as you, but there should be something that you have in common. Consider these topics as a way to keep it fun:^{[7]XResearch source}
- Movies, TV, or other media you're into
- Restaurants, cooking and good food
- Music, art and books
- Fitness, outdoors, and sports
- Goals, dreams, and hopes for yourself and your community
- Weekend plans or other fun activities
3
Get up-to-date about safer sex practices. If you've been married for a long time, you may have anxiety about sex or be eager to find a new love interest. Either way, it's important to make safe sex a priority. You don't know someone's history of sexually transmitted diseases just by looking at them. Be safe and take precautions. Talk with your healthcare provider about contraception, even if you are past menopause.
- Male latex condoms are the safest method to reduce your risk of getting some STDs.
- Depending on your age or background, consider other types of contraceptives such as birth control pills or an IUD.
- Talk openly with any future partner about safe sex and ask them to get tested before things get physical. Consider asking other single friends your age about what they do to remain safe and have fun.
4
Avoid introducing your date to your children or family too soon. Allow yourself time to be independent when you date. When dating someone new, it's about have a strong connection first with the person you're dating before having them become "part of the family." Future partners may need time to get to know you well before they meet the other important people in your life.
- Don't hide the fact that you were been married before or if have children. Just make sure that your previous marriage and your children are not the focus of your time when dating someone new, particularly on the first few dates.
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Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Being Yourself

1
Avoid negative thinking. Avoid self-doubt or self-hate. Be hopeful that there are opportunities for better and healthier relationships. By building up your self-confidence, you are more likely to find dates and keep them. Train yourself to stop negative thoughts in their tracks.^{[8]XResearch source}
- When you see yourself heading towards negative thinking, stop yourself for a moment. Take a deep breath. Think about the good things that you have to offer.
- Avoid making a date into a big, stressful ordeal. While dating again may be awkward, be positive that going on a few dates with someone is not a lifetime commitment or a horrible mistake.
2
Enjoy having time to yourself. You are not defined by your relationship status. There can be benefits to being alone after a difficult breakup, as it may allow you time to heal. Be comfortable with being independent.^{[9]XResearch source}^{[10]XExpert SourceJohn Keegan
Dating CoachExpert Interview. 8 April 2021.}
- Avoid seeking a mate if the only reason is to feel less lonely. Consider widening your social circle with other single friends in order to feel less isolated.
- Consider a new way to define yourself as an individual rather than as part of a couple. If you were married for many years and had a very limited support system outside of your spouse, it may be time to redefine how to get your emotional needs met outside of one person.
- Give yourself time to learn more about yourself — what you love, what matters to you most, who you enjoy being around, and what hope you have.
3
Focus on being the "real" you. Imagine yourself as without children, without worries, and without marriage. What does this look like? Dress and act in a way that represents your own personality, and your unique self. Avoid being held back by your ex, your children or your family, while still being mindful of your responsibilities.
- Seek advice from friends and family, but don't let them hold you back from new experiences to be more independent.
- Find closure with the past in order to feel right about the future. Consider changing your environment, outlook on life, or appearance. With closure, you will be more ready to see the real you.^{[11]XResearch source}
- Try a new look which indicates you're ready to see yourself in a new way. Get some new clothes, or a different hair style. Try a new approach to interacting with others.
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Expert Q&A

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Question
How quickly should I get back into dating?
John Keegan
Dating Coach
John Keegan is a Dating Coach and motivational speaker based in New York City. With over 10 years of professional experience, he runs The Awakened Lifestyle, where he uses his expertise in dating, attraction, and social dynamics to help people find love. He teaches and holds dating workshops internationally, from Los Angeles to London and from Rio de Janeiro to Prague. His work has been featured in the New York Times, Humans of New York, and Men's Health.
John Keegan
Dating Coach
Expert Answer
When you're a married person, you have an identity. And the identity is "I'm married. I'm the married guy," or "I'm the married woman." And you live out that identity, and you come to love that identity. What happens when people leave a marriage is that they're so used to being the married person, that all they can think about is going out and finding their next relationship as quickly as possible. They struggle with being single since it's been so long. But it's important to allow yourself to be single and learn to be okay with that. You don't need to rush back into dating right away.
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Question
How can I meet people besides going out to bars?
John Keegan
Dating Coach
John Keegan is a Dating Coach and motivational speaker based in New York City. With over 10 years of professional experience, he runs The Awakened Lifestyle, where he uses his expertise in dating, attraction, and social dynamics to help people find love. He teaches and holds dating workshops internationally, from Los Angeles to London and from Rio de Janeiro to Prague. His work has been featured in the New York Times, Humans of New York, and Men's Health.
John Keegan
Dating Coach
Expert Answer
It used to be that most people met people in bars, but nowadays there are so many more options. You can meet people in a juice bar, or a yoga class, or at the park. Maybe at the museum or grocery store. Just go out and do things you enjoy so you're more likely to meet people.
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Tips

Dating after a recent divorce, or passing of a spouse, is like a "transition period." ^{[12]XResearch source} Be willing to give yourself time to reflect on what matters to you moving forward. Take care, and be kind to yourself.
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Warnings

If you are still married (due to legal complications), don't hide this from someone you've been dating many weeks. Be honest about your situation. Trust is key to a new relationship.
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Don't lead someone on just because you're afraid of hurting their feelings.
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