This article was co-authored by Klare Heston, LCSW. Klare Heston is a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker based in Cleveland, Ohio. With experience in academic counseling and clinical supervision, Klare received her Master of Social Work from the Virginia Commonwealth University in 1983. She also holds a 2-Year Post-Graduate Certificate from the Gestalt Institute of Cleveland, as well as certification in Family Therapy, Supervision, Mediation, and Trauma Recovery and Treatment (EMDR).
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There are times when, for some reason or another, you decide that breaking off a relationship is the best thing to do. Getting over someone you care about but had to let go is a process, but you can move forward with your life. Get over the person you broke it off with by getting some distance from them and the memories, taking steps to heal emotionally and distracting yourself with constructive activities.
Steps
Letting Go of the Old Relationship
Cut off contact. After the breakup is behind you, go cold turkey and stop contacting your ex. It won't do either of you any good carrying on contact right away. Even if you choose to be friends in the future, it's best to take time apart to rediscover who you are in your own.[1]- Remove your ex from your contacts list on your phone, email, and other media.
Detox from social media. Pulling the plug on social media can be good for the spirit, especially following a split. Resist the urge to lurk on your ex’s page, check up on their friends, or spend hours looking at your old pictures together. Taking a short detox can help you move forward without suffering.[2]- Some people are tempted to publicize their breakups or make their exes jealous through social media. Logging off for a week or so can help you avoid any drama you might later regret.
Put away the memories. The next order of business is getting some distance from things that remind you of your ex. Sort through any gifts and mementos and decide whether to return, trash, or store them.
Try not to talk about them. Letting go of the person you broke it off with also means cutting down on the amount of time you spend talking about them. Challenge yourself to gradually stop saying their name or retelling stories about them.[3]- Ask your friends and family members to gently remind you when you keep bringing up the person's name.
- You can also put a rubber band on your wrist and snap it against your skin whenever you say your ex’s name to distinguish the behavior.
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Healing Yourself after Ending a Relationship
Get closure. To move on, you need to close off the chapter that includes your ex. Perform a closure ritual to say goodbye emotionally.[4]- Try writing a letter and reading it aloud as if they could hear you getting some final thoughts off your chest. Tear the letter to pieces when you're done. Just remember to resist the urge to send it.
- Pack away any mementos and briefly reflect on the highlights of the relationship. As you tape up the last box, mentally let go of the past and welcome the future.
Remember your choice. Keep in mind that, for some reason, you chose to break things off with your ex. Moving on can be hard, but you must honor that choice.[5]- Remind yourself of all the reasons you wanted the relationship to end. Make a list and review it whenever you have doubts about your decision.
- For example, your ex may have been really controlling, causing you to feel suffocated in the relationship. Or your friends and family may have not approved of your ex. These are both good reasons why you may have chosen to break things off.
Nurture yourself. Letting go of a relationship is mentally and emotionally stressful, even when the decision was necessary. Be gentle with yourself for awhile. Carve out time to do your favorite relaxing activities.[6]- Self-care looks different for everyone. You might want to walk through the woods, call a friend, paint your nails, or cuddle with a pet. Just do things that make you feel good.
- Getting extra physical activity, be it more time at the gym or a walk during your lunch break, can help you manage stress and anxiety.
List qualities you want in a future partner. Past relationships can serve as guideposts for what you do and don't want in the future. Once the initial pain has faded, reflect on your relationship. Grab a pen and jot down any lessons you've learned that can be useful in future relationships.[7]- For instance, your partner may have been very clingy and possessive, which pushed you away. In the future, you might desire a partner who is self-confident and has their own interests and friends.
See a counselor. Sometimes, you need a nudge to move forward after breaking off a relationship. If you don't have anyone to talk to or have trouble going about your daily life, talking to a counselor can help.- Ask your primary care physician for a referral to see a mental health counselor in your area.
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Distracting Yourself after a Breakup
Set SMART goals. The end of a relationship is as good a time as any to forge ahead towards achieving your dreams. Now that you're single, you can refocus on what you want out of life. sit down and write out a few SMART goals for the next year.- SMART goals are specific, measurable, attainable, realistic and time-bound.
- For instance, you might set a goal to gain admission into college, which requires you to get good grades, volunteer, and get recommendations from your teachers.
Learn something new. Use your free time to develop a new skill. There has to be something you've put off learning or never had time for due to your relationship. You now have the opportunity to pick up new skills and hobbies.[8]- For example, you might decide to learn how to code or learn how to ride a horse.
Modify your routine. Getting out of a relationship can feel awkward at first because you likely have holes in your schedule that used to be reserved for couple activities. Change your daily and weekly schedule, filling your hours with constructive activities.[9]- You might start a new morning routine of running or doing yoga before school or work. Or you might start a new Friday game night tradition with your best friends.
Spend time with friends and family. Those closest to you can help lift your spirits after a breakup. They may also distract you from thoughts of your ex. Reach out to friends and family and let them know you need their support.[10]- Say, “I've been having a tough time since the breakup. Want to get together this weekend? I could use some friend time.”
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Expert Q&A
Warnings
- Limit your use of alcohol and drugs while you heal. If you find yourself using either to cope, consider seeking help.Thanks
References
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/living-forward/201508/5-ways-move-when-you-still-love-your-ex
- ↑ https://verilymag.com/2017/03/cutting-communication-after-a-breakup
- ↑ https://verilymag.com/2017/03/cutting-communication-after-a-breakup
- ↑ http://www.refinery29.com/broken-heart-how-to-get-over-a-breakup
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/living-forward/201508/5-ways-move-when-you-still-love-your-ex
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/living-forward/201508/5-ways-move-when-you-still-love-your-ex
- ↑ https://tinybuddha.com/blog/how-to-deal-with-a-break-up/
- ↑ https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/finally-get-ex-even-feels-impossible-hesaid/
- ↑ http://www.refinery29.com/broken-heart-how-to-get-over-a-breakup
About this article
Getting over someone you cared about can be difficult, even if you’re the one who broke it off. But you can cut off contact, remember why you made the decision, and focus on yourself to heal after you end a relationship. To distance yourself from your ex, delete their contact information from your phone and email, and remove them from your social media so you won’t see or be tempted to talk to them. You can also keep in mind why you decided to break things off to help yourself move on. Whenever you find yourself thinking about them, remember the reasons why you ended the relationship. If it helps, make a list of all of the reasons so you can review it whenever you need to. Focus on yourself by practicing self-care such as spending time with friends and family, or doing things that make you feel good like going to the gym. For tips about how to get closure to help yourself get over your love, keep reading.
Reader Success Stories
"Everything in this article helped me, especially the part about making a list of reasons why I had to dump him. Preparing that list was painful, but it helps a lot! I couldn't be more thankful."..." more
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