How to Fix Your Trust Issues

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1Examining and Discussing Your Trust Issues

2Creating a Foundation for Trust

3Getting Help

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Article Summary

Trust involves relying on another person to uphold common values in a relationship, such as honesty, fidelity, reliability, and openness. If these values are compromised, you start to doubt the other person’s commitment to you and the relationship. Whether you were betrayed by a loved one or cheated on in a relationship, when someone you care about disappoints or hurts you, it opens the door for trust issues. You might also have trust issues that have no clear source. Overcome trust issues by investigating the problem, rebuilding the core foundation of trust, and seeking outside help.

Steps

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Examining and Discussing Your Trust Issues

1. 
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   Identify the source. In order to overcome your trust issues, you need to figure out why they are occurring. Trust is developed when a person shows that they can be counted on. Humans first start to develop trust in infancy and the toddler years. If you experienced neglect or abandonment in early childhood, these experiences can contribute to you having trust issues later in life.

   • In addition, relationships can also influence your ability to trust. If you have been cheated on, lied to, or deceived by someone you care about, this could be the source behind your mistrust.
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   Talk to the person using “I” statements. Once you identify the person(s) who were instrumental in your developing trust issues, you should attempt to talk to them about it. Be candid with your partner about how you feel. This allows you and your partner to collaborate on a workable solution to your trust issues. Tailor your words with “I” statements to minimize blaming the other person.

   • You might say, “I was cheated on in a previous relationship and it’s making it really hard for me to trust you.”
   • These statements can help emphasize that the other person is not to blame for your trust issues but that you do have certain needs.
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   Explain what you need. Opening the door to discuss your trust issues is only half of the equation. You will need to sit down with your partner and come up with an action plan. You can start this off by being clear about your needs.

   • For instance, if you know secrets contribute to why you are mistrustful, make a pact with your partner to not keep secrets from each other. Say something like “I get really insecure when you keep secrets from me. Can we agree to not leave one another in the dark about things that are happening in our lives?”
   • Early in the relationship, tell your partner that you may ask them open and direct questions instead of hiding your thoughts. These questions may include things such as "What do you need to be happy in a relationship?" or "How do you feel about meeting my friends?" Let them know that you want clear and honest answers to these questions.
4. 
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   Find closure for current relationships. If your current partner or loved one hurt you, you will need to find closure from that incident in order to move forward in the relationship. There are various ways to gain closure to rebuild existing relationships.

   • One way to move on is by writing a letter about the betrayal. Use the letter to explain what happened, how it hurt you, and how it is affecting you today. If the person is still in your life, you can read the letter to them and request an apology. If not, you can simply burn the letter or tear it to pieces to symbolize the situation no longer having any power over your life.
5. 
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   Recognize shared humanity in the people who hurt you in the past. If past relationships are influencing your ability to trust today, you need to learn to let go of those hurts. Another way to gain closure is by recognizing that all people make mistakes. This can be hard, but try to rationalize that all people hurt their loved ones at some point. The person who hurt you in the past was only human. You can learn to accept this truth so you can move on from the situation.

   • This can be helpful for getting closure from people who are no longer in your life such as exes or deceased family members.
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Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Creating a Foundation for Trust

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   1
   Improve communication. The most effective way to overcome trust issues is to communicate. Most often, mistrust develops because one partner seems like a mystery to the other. When you and your partner are open and honest with one another, the fears and anxieties are alleviated and trust can be restored.

   • Have the courage to say what you mean. If a situation with your partner makes you uncomfortable, use your voice. You might say, “It makes me worried that this guy is texting you so late at night.” An innocent situation can get blown out of proportion in your mind simply because you don’t speak up.
   • Offer feedback. Another aspect of communication is reflecting on your progress. Let your partner know how you think things are going to reinforce good habits. For example, you might say, “I really appreciate how you called to let me know you would be out late. It really gave me a peace of mind.”
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   Set and respect personal boundaries. Just as you want to be able to trust your partner, they also need to be able to live fully without unreasonable constraints on their behavior. Boundary-setting allows both you and your partner to express your wants, needs, and limitations for the relationship. A healthy relationship also requires that these limitations be acknowledged and respected by both partners.

   • For instance, you might express a need to be monogamous with your partner and share what that means. You might say, “Cheating is becoming emotionally attached to another, having physical intimacy (i.e. touching, kissing, or having sex), or feeling the need to hide a relationship from me.”
   • On the other hand, your partner might express the boundary of being able to have multiple social media profiles with the allowance that you are granted access to them if you desire.
3. 
   3
   Challenge negative thought patterns. A critical inner voice can do just as much damage as lies and deceit. If you are trying to fix your trust issues, you will need to identify and reframe negative thoughts that contribute to your insecurities.

   • Reality testing is a great way to challenge these thought patterns. Consider, for example, that your partner gets a phone call and steps out of the room to take it. You think, “He needs to take the phone call in private. It must be another girl. I knew he was cheating on me.” This can quickly lead down a catastrophic path.
   • Instead, use reality testing to see what evidence there is that your partner is cheating. Have you seen other clues? Is this a constant behavior? Think about other reasons your partner may need to leave the room. Is he hard of hearing? Has he been waiting on an important call from work? Is the background noisy in the environment? Try to fully examine all aspects of a situation to look at it realistically rather than jumping to a negative conclusion.
4. 
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   Take a risk. You may not want to hear it, but falling in love and staying in love involves some degree of risk. And, risk is largely associated with emotional vulnerability. While you don’t want to think of your relationship as a dice-roll, you should consider that a small measure of faith—in your partner and your bond—is necessary for the relationship to last.

   • You won’t be able to spend every minute of every day with your partner. You won’t be able to track every phone call or text message. Nor should you want to. You will feel the greatest security and satisfaction in your relationship from the belief that time apart from each other adds value to the relationship rather than subtracting from it.
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Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Getting Help

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   Confide in a friend. Sometimes, sharing your deepest fears with a close friend can provide the relief and reality check needed to recognize whether your worries are logical or far-fetched. As you work on your trust issues, select one friend whom you can count on to be candid with you and keep your confidences.

   • You might say, “Carla got home really late last night from work. I was worried. What do you think I should do?” Hopefully, your friend can help alleviate your concerns, or steer you to take action if your worries are warranted.
2. 
   2
   See a therapist for trust issues. In some cases, no amount of security in the relationship can help overcome deep-seated insecurities that you have about yourself. If communicating with your partner and setting boundaries doesn’t help, you may need to see a professional.

   • A mental health therapist can help you get to the bottom of your mistrust, give you strategies to exercise greater vulnerability in your relationships, and work with you to challenge critical thought patterns.
3. 
   3
   Share your story in a support group. Another way to heal from past hurts and learn practical tips on rebuilding trust is by sharing your story and hearing the stories of others. Relationship support groups can be a wonderful outlet to express some of your concerns and have others who have dealt with trust issues help you through them.

   • Talk to your therapist about referring you to a local support group relating to trust in relationships.
   • It may also be helpful for your partner to join you at the support groups. Attending may help them to gain greater insight into your fears and develop coping skills to handle your insecurities.
4. 
   4
   Unload your worries in a journal. Similar to having a friend to share your worries, writing down your fears into a journal can serve as a handy tool in overcoming trust issues. Putting pen to paper allows you to go through the process of unloading irrational fears and also offers an outlet for you to challenge these worries with reality-testing.

   • Journaling can help you reduce tension and stress associated with your trust issues, identify common patterns affecting your relationships, and serve as a problem-solving tool as you work with a therapist.
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Expert Q&A

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• Question

  How can I trust my partner again after they cheated?

  

  Michelle Joy, MA, MFT
  Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist

  Michelle Joy is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and serves on the Board of Directors for the Couples Institute Counseling Services in the San Francisco Bay Area. With almost 20 years of therapy training and experience, Michelle offers couples therapy intensives, communication workshops, and Marriage Prep101 Workshops. Michelle is also a certified Enneagram teacher, has presented at the 25th annual International Enneagram Conference, and is a graduate of The Developmental Model of Couples Therapy – Advanced Level. She received an MS in Counseling Psychology from Santa Clara University.

  

  Michelle Joy, MA, MFT

  Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist

  Expert Answer

  Tell your partner when you have thoughts, feelings, or anxiety swirling around in your head about the affair. If you hold it in, obsess about it alone and act it out by being snappy or irritable with your partner, you won’t be able to move forward or heal. Sharing these things can give your partner the opportunity to validate you, hear you and respond to you, as well as understanding how the affair they had impacts you on a daily basis. You are angry, and understandably so. When you talk with your partner though, see if you can get beneath the anger and tell your partner about the betrayal, hurt, fear, and other emotions that you are feeling instead of just the anger. It will help you process better. Also, when you are suspicious of your partner’s behavior, try not to attack them with convictions and accusations – see if you can instead ask them clarifying questions. Rebuilding trust after an affair is a process that gets strengthened over time. Trust is not freely given, it is earned. It’s normal to have good days, and bad days – it may feel like a roller coaster. This is normal. Your feelings are normal.

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