How to Fix Intimacy Issues in a Relationship

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IN THIS ARTICLE

1Reasons for Intimacy Issues in a Relationship

2How to Build Emotional Intimacy

3How to Foster Physical Intimacy

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Even the strongest couples go through rough patches. If you and your partner are dealing with intimacy issues in your relationship, know that these are normal and totally fixable. In fact, if you get to the root of the issue together, your relationship may become stronger than it ever was before. This article is here to help you understand the reasons you might be dealing with intimacy issues. We've also got some advice on how to build emotional and physical intimacy so that the two of you can strengthen your relationship and get closer once again.

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Question 1 of 3:

Reasons for Intimacy Issues in a Relationship

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   Lack of communication. Part of establishing intimacy in a relationship is feeling comfortable talking about your needs and desires with each other. If one or both of you don't feel like they can open up and express their feelings, you might start to feel distant from each other.

   • Sometimes, this is the result of a lack of trust in the relationship. If the two of you haven't been together for very long or one of you recently broke the other's trust, you might struggle to open up to each other.
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   Fear of intimacy. Sometimes, past relationships or childhood experiences can cause you to fear getting close to someone. Even if you have a new partner that is supportive and loving, you may still fear getting close to them because of these negative experiences in your past.

   • If you or your partner are grappling with a fear of intimacy, a therapist or a counselor can help you work through these past experiences. That way, they will no longer affect your current relationships.
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   Having children together. Starting a family is a wonderful thing, but it is also a big change that can alter your relationship as a couple. Things like different parenting styles, busy schedules, and worries about finances and bills might get in the way of your ability to feel close to each other.
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   Depression, anxiety, body image issues, or mental illness. If you or your partner are struggling with mental health issues, you may have a difficult time feeling close to each other. These conditions can make you feel insecure or isolated, even if you have a loving, supportive partner.

   • It's totally possible to have a healthy relationship while struggling with your mental health. A therapist can help you work through your feelings and come up with some coping strategies.
   • Sexual performance anxiety can also cause a lack of intimacy in a relationship. Things like deep breathing, learning to trust your partner, and talking with a therapist can all help if you or your partner are dealing with this.
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   Anger, mistrust, or resentment. Letting issues like this go unaddressed can really impact your ability to feel close to your partner. If you let your feelings fester, you might stop finding your partner desirable and struggle to remember what you love about them.

   • Try talking openly about your issues before anger or resentment builds, and address trust issues as they come up.
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   Work or another out-of-home commitment. If you or your partner are super busy or hold a stressful job, you might struggle to be intimate when you get home. Responsibilities like this can make you feel tired and burnt out, which might mean that sex or emotional talks with your partner are the last things on your mind.

   • Carving out some time in your schedule for sex and deep talks with your partner might not seem romantic, but it can really help the two of you get close again. It might even lift your spirits so that work and other commitments don't feel so draining.
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Question 2 of 3:

How to Build Emotional Intimacy

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   Communicate with each other openly. To get closer, open up to your partner about how you're feeling and encourage them to do the same. Talk about your days (the good and the bad) and what's on your mind. You might also try divulging secrets and talking about your past to strengthen your bond.

   • You might say, "I had a kind of rough day. Can I vent to you a little bit?" or "You mentioned you were having a tough time at work this morning. Did you want to talk about it?"
   • When you're talking about secrets or your past, it's best to approach the conversation with respect and kindness. Start slow if you haven't talked about your past much (especially regarding your past relationships).
   • You could say, "I didn't have the best relationship with my parents when I was a teenager. I felt pretty misunderstood at the time. What were you like as a teenager?"
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   Be emotionally vulnerable. Part of building emotional intimacy is showing your partner who you really are. Try your best to be yourself, and be honest about your true interests, hobbies, and quirks. It can feel a little scary to be vulnerable with someone, but it's key to connecting with someone on a deeper level.

   • Try your best to talk about your true interests, not just the ones that you think your boyfriend will find appealing. You might reveal, "I've seen the movie When Harry Met Sally 100 times" or "I always kind of dreamed of being famous when I was a kid."
   • Being true to yourself will encourage your partner to feel more comfortable being himself around you, too.
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   Handle conflict honestly and directly. It can be difficult to bring up issues in a relationship, but it's necessary so you can work through things together and get both of your needs met. To make things easier, use I-statements that emphasize how their behavior makes you feel. Ask your partner about their perspective so you can find a solution that works best for both of you.

   • Follow that with an I-statement about how you're feeling, such as, "I sometimes feel a little hurt when you don't ask me about my day. I understand that you're busy, but I like talking to you and wish we could catch up more often."
   • After you've expressed your feelings, give your partner a chance to share how they feel about what you said. You could say something like, "I understand if you need some time to think this over, but I want to know your thoughts on this, too."
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   Express gratitude for your relationship. Part of establishing emotional intimacy is talking about the good stuff, too. Tell your partner how grateful you are for them, and do it often. Encouragement like this can help the two of you remember not to take each other for granted, and it might even increase your positive feelings for each other.

   • You might say something like, "You're such a generous and kind person. I'm so happy to have you in my life" or "You do so much for me. I don't know where I'd be without your love and support."
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   Talk to a couple's counselor if you'd like some outside help. There's no shame in seeking some guidance from a therapist. If you're grappling with a loss of intimacy because of an affair or the two of you have simply hit a block in communication, a therapist can provide a helpful perspective. If you're interested, look online for a couple's counselor in your area and set up a consultation.

   • A couple's counselor can help you both get to the root of your intimacy issues if you're not sure what's been causing them. They can also give you specific tools to reestablish intimacy in your relationship, like new communication techniques.
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Question 3 of 3:

How to Foster Physical Intimacy

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   Touch more frequently. If you and your partner have been struggling with physical intimacy issues, try being more intentional with your physical touch. Things like hugging, holding hands, and kissing can help the two of you feel more comfortable around each other again.

   • Try greeting your partner with a hug when they get home from work or holding hands as you walk together. Small gestures like this can make a big difference in how close you feel to your partner.
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   Initiate sex in new ways than before. Perhaps you're usually the one to initiate sex, or maybe your partner often does and you've been denying their advances. To reinvigorate your sex life, try switching up your roles.

   • Try a more subtle approach to initiating sex if you're usually the one to suggest it (and avoid requesting sex by complaining about how little the two of you have been intimate lately). You might let them know you're in the mood with a simple compliment, like, "You look gorgeous tonight" or "You're so handsome."
   • If you often deny your partner's advances, consider going for it more often to make them feel appreciated and desired.
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   Talk about your desires and fantasies. Set aside some time outside the bedroom to talk about your sex life. Try your best to be honest with each other about what you really want, and approach the conversation with kindness and an open mind. Talking about these subjects together can help the two of you learn new things and feel attracted to each other again.

   • Pick a quiet time when the two of you don't have any distractions to bring up the subject. You might talk about it while you're eating dinner together at your apartment, for example.
   • You might say something like, "I've always been curious about role playing. Do you have any fantasies you've wanted to try?"
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   Experiment and try new things together. After you've talked about your fantasies and desires, try them out to reinvigorate your sex life. Sharing new experiences like this encourages the two of you to get more vulnerable with each other. You might also discover new things about each other, like turn-ons you never knew you had.

   • Only do what you're comfortable with. Your partner should never make you feel pressured to try something that you don't want to do. There are plenty of other ways to get closer to each other again!
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   Make physical intimacy a part of your schedule. Physical intimacy is a huge part of many people's ability to feel close with their partner, which makes it vital to your relationship. Try to set aside time to be physically close with your partner so that the two of you don't feel so distant anymore.

   • If you're working conflicting schedules, for example, find a time when you're both free and schedule a date night. Scheduling might not feel so romantic, but it's necessary if the two of you are both super busy.
   • Arrange to set aside some alone time as a couple if the two of you have kids.
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