How to Find Things to Talk About With Shallow People

You may be the type of person who enjoys deep, thoughtful conversations about feelings and ideas. Sometimes, it can be frustrating when you are thrown into situations where you are forced to make small talk with people who don’t seem to want to move into deeper levels of conversation. You can find conversation topics that help generate rapport and connection, and employ active listening strategies to help a conversation move to deeper levels. Finally, it might be helpful to examine your own judgments around “shallow” people and ideas, and challenge yourself to remain curious and open to others’ lives.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Finding Conversation Topics

1
Ask what they have been up to. You can get a better window into their lives by letting them share what they care about most. This lets them lead the conversation (so you don't have to do as much work), and lets you get to know them better. Get the scoop on their lives by asking questions like:^{[1]XResearch source}
- What classes are you taking?
- Have you been reading any good books lately?
- Are you in any clubs? What are your hobbies?
- What do you do for work? What sort of job do you want?
2
Ask questions about the things they express interest in.^{[2]XExpert SourceLynda Jean
Certified Image ConsultantExpert Interview. 17 November 2020.} If there is something they seem to enjoy talking about, encourage them to keep going. Ask open-ended questions (questions that require more than a yes or no answer) to get them to speak in more detail. Consider questions like:^{[3]XResearch source}
- When did you get into sports?
- You said you went to Germany? What's it like there?
- Your little brother sounds really sweet. How old is he? What kinds of things does he like?
- Cheerleading must be hard work. How much do you practice?
3
Find common ground. The easiest way to find common ground is to use the situation you are in. You can comment on your reason for being in a specific place, or find something in your surroundings to remark on. For example, if you are in a restaurant for a friend’s birthday, then you could ask how they like the restaurant or ask how they met your friend. If they mention something that interests you, let them know. Then the conversation can shift to that subject. You can even try asking for advice on a subject you both have in common—people love to feel like an expert! For example, you could help find common interests with comments like:^{[4]XTrustworthy SourceGreater Good MagazineJournal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier livingGo to source}
- You have a dog? So do I! Mine is a golden retriever.
- Is that a Star Trek shirt? I love that series!
- It's really cool that you volunteer at the Down syndrome group. I've been thinking about finding places to volunteer around here. Do you have any advice?
4
Talk about non-controversial current events. Stay up to date on current events and popular culture in order to have some conversation topics available with people.^{[5]XResearch source[v160969_b01]. 10 February 2021.} Read the news, flip through a gossip magazine at the dentist’s office, and stay tuned in to what is going on in the world.^{[6]XResearch source}
- Mention any movies you’ve seen lately or want to see. Ask for their review if they’ve seen it already.
- Recommend any TV shows you’ve been watching that you think the other person might enjoy.
- Discuss current events. You might not want to discuss politics if you are unsure if they share your views, but other events in the day’s news may be good discussion points.^{[7]XExpert SourceLynda Jean
  Certified Image ConsultantExpert Interview. 17 November 2020.}
- Ask if the person enjoys sports, and if so start a discussion about a recent game that you both saw.
5
Try doing some activities together. You can let them show you their world, or offer to give them a taste of yours. Let them teach you how to do one of the things they like, or do something you both enjoy. Working on an activity together can provide a natural source of conversation.^{[8]XResearch source}
- You could cook a meal together, play a game, or work on a project. You may find yourselves bonding over your task.
- Ask the other person to show you how to do something they are good at. Ask questions and be curious about their area of expertise.
- You could also offer to show the other person how to do something they may have expressed interest in. For example, you may make smoothies every morning for breakfast, and your health-conscious neighbor is interested. You could show them your ingredients list and whip up a smoothie for your neighbor to try.
6
Try some more intellectual topics, and see if they express interest. They may show their hidden depths. Find something you have in common and see if you can take it to a deeper level.^{[9]XResearch source[v160969_b01]. 10 February 2021.}
- For example, say you are both a fan of ‘80s music. You could say, “You know, I always admired Madonna for how she pioneered her own brand of feminism. I think she really helped shape the culture we’re in today, what do you think?”
- You may both be football fans, for example, but you could also talk about other issues facing the game, like the high rate of brain injury or player salaries.
7
Excuse yourself politely if you’re bored. If you are having a difficult time making conversation, or are growing tired of the person’s dull monologue, find a way to politely remove yourself from the situation. You don’t have to get stuck talking to someone for hours.^{[10]XResearch source}
- If you are at a party, you could excuse yourself to get a drink or a snack.
- If you see someone you know, you could say, “I’m so sorry to cut this short, but I have been meaning to talk to Paul about something. Please excuse me!”
- If you are stuck in a place where you can’t easily get away from them (like on a car trip), try saying, “I think I’m going to close my eyes and try to rest for a bit.” If you have headphones, pop them on, too, so you can show you are no longer interested in having a conversation.
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Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Making a Conversation Go Deeper

1
Determine if a deeper conversation is appropriate. You may dislike small talk or talking about popular culture and long for something deeper, but you may not be able to have that kind of conversation with them. You may have a short amount of time in which to talk, or you may need to develop a rapport with the person first.^{[11]XResearch source[v160969_b01]. 10 February 2021.}
- You may be able to have a deeper conversation more easily with someone you have known for a long time. For example, it will probably be easier to talk to your aunt about her views on religion than your seatmate on an airplane.
- You can test the waters for a deeper conversation by talking more deeply about yourself. For example, you could say, “I have been so heartbroken by the news lately.” If the other person responds with a more emotional comment like, “Oh, me too. I’ve had to turn it off,” you know they may be willing to have a more in-depth conversation. Someone who responds with, “Well, not much we can do about it!” may not be willing or interested.
- Keep in mind that conversation is a two way street. If you share openly and honestly, then the other person might do so as well. It can also open up opportunities for the other person to ask you questions about things you share.
2
Practice empathy. Empathy means the ability to imagine what another person is feeling and the ability to sense others’ emotions. In short, it is the ability to “put yourself in someone else’s shoes.” Showing empathy in a conversation helps the other person feel heard and validated, which leads to feeling more comfortable to have deeper, more revealing conversations.^{[12]XTrustworthy SourceGreater Good MagazineJournal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier livingGo to source}
- For example, if you are listening to someone describe their busy day, rushing around from one place to the next, an appropriate empathetic response might be, “Wow, your day sounds really stressful! When do you get to take a break?”
- If you are able to sense what the other person is feeling, name the emotion to show you empathize. For example, if the person you are talking to is telling you about how angry something made her, you could say, “I can tell how mad you are just by hearing this story. You must have been really angry when this happened.”
3
Reflect back. Listen closely to what the other person is saying to you, and repeat the essence of their message, using different and fewer words. Reflecting back and paraphrasing are forms of active listening, an intensive way of listening that requires you to really focus on what the other person is saying.^{[13]XTrustworthy SourcePubMed CentralJournal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of HealthGo to source}
- Reflecting back is a way to let the person know what they are saying is understood, and that you are paying attention. When a person feels listened to, they are more likely to be willing to have a deeper conversation.^{[14]XTrustworthy SourceGreater Good in ActionAn initiative by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center promoting science-based practices for a meaningful lifeGo to source}
- For example, if a person says, “I can’t wait until George comes home from college. The house has been so quiet with him gone, it will be so nice to have him back!” you could say, “It sounds like you miss him.”
- Reflecting back helps both the speaker and the listener clarify their thoughts and feelings, and can be easily corrected. For example, a speaker may say, “I am waiting until the last minute to get all these things done,” prompting the listener’s response of “That sounds stressful!” The speaker could respond, “No, I’ve just been so lazy. I know it will all get done.”
4
Ask more questions. To help take the conversation to a deeper level, ask your conversation partner open-ended questions that will help you better understand their thoughts and feelings.^{[15]XExpert SourceLynda Jean
Certified Image ConsultantExpert Interview. 17 November 2020.} Don’t be too pushy, however; they may not feel like discussing their feelings with you.^{[16]XTrustworthy SourceGreater Good in ActionAn initiative by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center promoting science-based practices for a meaningful lifeGo to source}
- For example, the speaker is complaining about their child’s school. You could ask something like, “That sounds so frustrating. It sounds like an ongoing issue. How long have you been dealing with this?”
- Ask questions to clarify feelings. For example, “When you said, ‘It’s been a lot of work taking care of my grandma,’ it sounded like you were stressed out by it. Did I get that right?”
5
Avoid being judgmental. Keep an open mind to what the person is telling you. Listen without interjecting your own opinions or advice. You run the risk of shutting the other person down and being unable to continue on a deeper-level conversation.^{[17]XTrustworthy SourceGreater Good in ActionAn initiative by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center promoting science-based practices for a meaningful lifeGo to source}
- If you are having a tough time understanding why someone would do this or choose that, try to be empathetic and understand where the person is coming from. The man who can barely afford his pets may be lonely, for example, or the sleep-deprived mother may stay up late because it’s the only time she has to herself.
- Be aware of your facial expressions if you feel judgmental, to avoid giving the person any clues as to what may be going through your head.
6
Have attentive body language. Give the speaker visual cues that you are listening to them by using body language. You can use your face, your eyes, and your body position to help convey interest and attention. This will help the other person know you are interested in what they have to say, making them more likely to have more in-depth, meaningful conversations with you.^{[18]XTrustworthy SourceGreater Good in ActionAn initiative by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center promoting science-based practices for a meaningful lifeGo to source}
- Make eye contact with the speaker while they are talking. You can look away occasionally, but look at their face or eyes most of the time. If you have a disability that makes eye contact hard, try faking it by looking at their chin or nose.
- Use appropriate facial expressions when the person is talking to convey your emotional reaction. For example, you don’t want to be smiling when the person is talking about their dying dog.
- Have a relaxed, open posture when listening to the other person. Don’t cross your arms in front of you. If you are sitting, lean slightly forward toward the other person to convey interest.
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Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Acknowledging Your Own Judgments

1
Examine your own stereotypes. Ask yourself why you think someone is shallow. Keep in mind when you are assigning a label to someone based on their appearance or interests, you are thinking in a shallow way through stereotyping.
- Appearance tells you very little about the person inside. A popular jock could write nature poetry in his spare time, and maybe a “valley girl” wants to be an engineer. Avoid labeling someone until you get to know the person better.
- Keep in mind that talking about stereotypically shallow things doesn't mean that this is all the person cares about. Keep an open mind and continue to search for common ground by talking to them.
2
Avoid placing a value judgment on people’s interests. Be open and curious about what they like instead. Ask questions about the things they care about and try to learn.^{[19]XResearch source}
- For example, your cousin is an expert at makeup. You may think that makeup is a waste of time, but you could still ask your cousin for makeup tips. You will learn something, and your cousin will enjoy teaching you. You may even begin to understand why your cousin is so interested in it.
- Admit your ignorance and ask to learn. You could say, “I know absolutely nothing about car stereo systems, but I know how much you love them and would love to learn more. What do you like so much about working on them?”
3
Recognize that it's okay not to share interests. You don't have to be best friends if you don't have much in common. Choose to be kind and respectful of others, regardless of their differences.^{[20]XResearch source}
- Smile and make someone’s day brighter by engaging them in conversation, even if you are not at all interested in what they have to say. They will appreciate you listening to them.
- Do not pretend to know about a topic if you don’t know anything about it. It is okay to just say, “I don't know about this topic, so I really can't comment on it."
4
Find value in small talk. While making small talk can be difficult for many people, it is also a part of our shared culture that crosses demographics. Small talk can help make it possible for a rich person to talk to a poor person, or people from different cultures to begin to come together and find common ground.^{[21]XResearch source}
- Think of small talk like a springboard to help you get to know someone's interests, personality, and values better. It can help you find out what you have in common.
- Small talk also helps you learn about someone’s personality. For example, someone who complains a lot might have a negative attitude, while someone who expresses lots of curiosity and excitement might be positive and knowledgeable.
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Question
What does it mean for a person to be shallow?
Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS
Professional Counselor
Trudi Griffin is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Wisconsin specializing in Addictions and Mental Health. She provides therapy to people who struggle with addictions, mental health, and trauma in community health settings and private practice. She received her MS in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Marquette University in 2011.
Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS
Professional Counselor
Expert Answer
A shallow person is usually defined as someone who only considers the surface aspects of other people without taking the time to care about a person or express empathy. Often, shallow people are only concerned with image or appearance and not the meaning of something.
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What does it mean to be shallow in a relationship?
Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS
Professional Counselor
Trudi Griffin is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Wisconsin specializing in Addictions and Mental Health. She provides therapy to people who struggle with addictions, mental health, and trauma in community health settings and private practice. She received her MS in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Marquette University in 2011.
Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS
Professional Counselor
Expert Answer
A shallow relationship is one with little or no intimacy. Perhaps people are only together because of status or appearance and never get to know their partner’s thoughts, feelings, dreams, fears, goals, etc.
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Question
What does it mean to have deep conversations?
Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS
Professional Counselor
Trudi Griffin is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Wisconsin specializing in Addictions and Mental Health. She provides therapy to people who struggle with addictions, mental health, and trauma in community health settings and private practice. She received her MS in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Marquette University in 2011.
Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS
Professional Counselor
Expert Answer
A deep conversation is usually filled with meaning and when people share vulnerabilities in an atmosphere of trust. Additionally, deep conversations lead to a more thorough understanding of another person’s thoughts, feelings, experiences, dreams, hopes, etc.
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