How to Express Anger

All of us feel angry sometimes, but how you deal with that anger can be helpful or harmful to you and those around you. To express anger constructively, you need to engage with the person or situation that angered you, delve into your own reasons for getting angry, and then get perspective and move on. Getting angry is fine -- it's just how you choose to deal with it and learn from it that might benefit from suggestions.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Coping With Anger

1
Take some deep breaths.^{[1]XExpert SourceKelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
PsychotherapistExpert Interview. 11 June 2020.} Before you do anything, give yourself a little time to de-escalate. Don't immediately jump into simmering rage or furious yelling. Calm yourself down by taking some deep breaths from your abdomen, which can relax your body and your mind.^{[2]XTrustworthy SourceHelpGuideNonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.Go to source}
- Start with three deep breaths and see how you feel. Notice your breathing becoming less shallow and more relaxed.
2
Utilize your senses. Anger can take you to a whole other level and bring out a much different side of you. It can heighten your senses and put your body on alert. Use your senses to come back down and back into your body.
- Listen to music, smell something calming (such as lavender), or imagine yourself in your favorite place, like on a beach or in a forest.^{[3]XTrustworthy SourceHelpGuideNonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.Go to source}
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Your immediate surroundings can contribute to a tense or irritating feeling. If you feel anger coming on, step outside for a minute for some fresh air, play some music, or do something different than what you were in the middle of doing. A quick change can make the difference between an angry outburst and curbing the feelings productively.^{[4]XTrustworthy SourceAmerican Psychological AssociationLeading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologistsGo to source}
4
Be aware of your triggers.^{[5]XExpert SourceKelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
PsychotherapistExpert Interview. 11 June 2020.} You may feel like your anger comes out of nowhere, but there are often signs of rising anger. When you get angry, think about what was happening immediately beforehand. Your body, for instance, sends warnings which can include shallow, quickened breathing, “knots” in the stomach, pounding heart or tensed shoulders.^{[6]XTrustworthy SourceHelpGuideNonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.Go to source}
- Sometimes situations can trigger a stress response, such as weekly work meetings or heavy traffic. Be aware of how your body reacts to these situations. Once you become aware of these triggers, you can begin to identify them and prevent them or at least express them more constructively.
5
Think differently. Remind yourself that anger doesn't change your situation at all, and won't affect an outcome. Anger doesn't follow any logic, so use logic to your benefit to cool off. Nobody is out to get you, your life is not over, and all is not lost.
- Avoid polarized statements like “always”and “never”, as in “You always forget to walk the dog” or “you never close the windows when you leave.” Instead, phrase it as a request: “Would you please walk the dog today?” or “I would appreciate you closing the windows when you leave.”
- Get rid of demand. Angry people tend to demand things like being appreciated, being treated with respect, and being treated in fairness. While everyone wants these, it's different to demand them. Remind yourself that you can form requests and not demands.^{[7]XTrustworthy SourceAmerican Psychological AssociationLeading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologistsGo to source}
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Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Expressing Anger Constructively

1
Engage openly with the person who angered you. When you have the opportunity to confront someone, talk it out. Make sure you communicate your needs and feelings, while respecting the needs and feelings of the other person.^{[8]XTrustworthy SourcePubMed CentralJournal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of HealthGo to source}
- Allow the conversation to be 50/50, talking and listening. It's important for the other person to feel understood and heard, just as you want him to understand and hear you.
2
Stay respectful. When you are engaging with someone else about a situation that made you angry, don't let yourself call the other person names. It's not constructive, and often actively works against you. Remember your purpose in discussing the situation: you want to try and patch things up with the other person, not make them more angry.^{[9]XTrustworthy SourceHelpGuideNonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.Go to source}
- Take turns talking. Don't interrupt while the other person is speaking.
- Know when to let things go if you've made your point.^{[10]XTrustworthy SourceHelpGuideNonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.Go to source} Sometimes you have to agree to disagree, and drop the issue instead of allowing an argument to go around in circles. .
3
Create an outlet for situations that cannot be confronted. Sometimes you want to express your anger to someone but you cannot. You may be upset with a politician, the person who cut you off in traffic, or the person who stole your bag. In these situations you cannot express your anger directly, so create an outlet that allows you to do so.
- You can talk to a friend and share your feelings of upset, frustration, and anger.
- Write a letter to the person who angered you, describing your feelings. Once finished, burn it, releasing the anger with it.
- Sometimes anger can fuel social action.^{[11]XTrustworthy SourceAmerican Psychological AssociationLeading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologistsGo to source} If you're upset with climate change, for instance, your anger can fuel you to make changes in your life that show your stand such as becoming a lobbyist, signing petitions, and making lifestyle changes like selling your car and choosing to bike instead.
4
Focus on your feelings. If it was something that another person did that made you angry, talk about how it made you feel, not their actions. Be sure to give yourself enough time before you talk to the person that made you angry so that you can collect your thoughts and consider what you might say. Some examples of ways to focus on your feelings are:^{[12]XResearch source}
- Instead of saying, “I can't believe you told Wendy about my ticket!”, say “When you talked to Wendy about me like that, it made me sad and angry. I told you those things in confidence and I'm upset that you repeated them.”
- Instead of saying, “You're a hateful person for talking that way!”, say, “I felt small and angry with the way you talked to me last night. I deserve to be talked to with respect, even when you don't agree with me.”
5
Let it go. If you hold onto anger, it can eat you on the inside. When you feel angry, try to resolve the anger as quickly as possible. Angry at a person? Talk to him about it. Angry about a situation? Create solutions. Do what you can to express the anger, learn from it, then let it go.
- Practice radical acceptance: sometimes there are situations that you strongly dislike but cannot control. Learn to radically accept where you are at, even when it's unpleasant.^{[13]XResearch source} Instead of pitying yourself, say, “Even though I am uncomfortable in this situation, I accept that this is my current reality.”
- Some situations can be more difficult to move on from, such as long-standing anger against a deceased family member. Realize that it's up to you to let things go, even when the other person isn't there to discuss it with you. You can't control people who have rejected you or hurt you in any way; you can only control your response. Letting go and moving on will give you a fresh sense of peace.
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Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Processing Your Feelings

1
Gain some perspective. Sometimes anger comes out in funny ways: you may be peeved about traffic on the way to work, then snap at your co-worker when he does something a little irritating. Ask yourself if there is a bigger issue that may be fueling your anger.^{[14]XTrustworthy SourceHelpGuideNonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.Go to source}
- Look for different ways to approach the situation. How would an outsider respond? How important will this issue be in 6 months?^{[15]XResearch source}
- Journal about your anger, and what led up to the feeling and behavior.^{[16]XExpert SourceKelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
  PsychotherapistExpert Interview. 11 June 2020.} What did the day look like beforehand? What was the ultimate trigger? What thoughts did you have right before the reaction?
- Sometimes you may dislike a person, and find many, many things that irritate you about that person that, had someone else done the same thing, wouldn't irritate you. Recognize that you may have a deep seeded issue with that person that may need to be resolved.
2
Avoid bottling your emotions. For some people, getting angry means pulling inward. This is not a healthy way to deal with or express anger, and can be just as destructive as outwardly exploding. When you bottle in your emotions, you let them sit within you, until the opportunity comes to unleash them, either on yourself or onto someone else. You may think you are 'resolving' a situation by bottling your emotions, but this can actually lead to more aggressive behavior.^{[17]XResearch source}
- If you aren't in a position to discuss your anger, journal about it. Release the anger! You may want to go on a walk (or a run) to help calm the tension. Whatever it is, make sure you let the anger out productively.
3
Shake the urge to lash out. While some people bottle their emotions, others express anger by emotionally losing control or sometimes physically lashing out. Even if it might feel good at the time to get that anger out, this is not a positive and constructive way to deal with anger. While it may feel good in the moment to “let it rip”, don't fall into the trap. The urge to yell, hit or throw things will pass.
- Focus on experiencing how anger feels in your body. You may feel a burning sensation in your chest or a tightness in your throat. Allow yourself to experience where anger shows up in your body and stay with that feeling. Focusing in the physical sensation can help alleviate the emotional intensity.^{[18]XTrustworthy SourceHelpGuideNonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.Go to source}
4
Express all of your emotions. Sometimes anger is the most socially acceptable emotion, so you may choose to express multiple emotions as anger. You may feel sad, disconnected, or ignored, then express these as anger through lashing out or blaming others. Recognize that you, like everyone, experience a multitude of emotions each day that deserve to be expressed. Positive and negative emotions are okay to feel. Get back in touch with your feelings, and allow yourself to express each emotion.^{[19]XTrustworthy SourceHelpGuideNonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.Go to source}
- Recognize each time you have an emotion and try to label it. “I am feeling happy I am drinking this milkshake”, “This movie makes me sad”, “I'm excited to see my brother”, or “I dread going to work today.” Just notice each emotion and do not judge it.
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Question
How can I communicate anger appropriately?
Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist
Kelli Miller is a Psychotherapist based in Los Angeles, California. Kelli specializes in individual and couples therapy focusing on relationships, depression, anxiety, sexuality, communication, parenting, and more. She is the author of “Love Hacks: Simple Solutions to Your Most Common Relationship Issues” which details the top 15 relationship issues and 3 quick solutions to each. She is also the award-winning and best-selling author of “Thriving with ADHD”. Kelli co-hosted an advice show on LA Talk Radio and was a relationship expert for The Examiner. She received her MSW (Masters of Social Work) from the University of Pennsylvania and a BA in Sociology/Health from the University of Florida.
Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist
Expert Answer
Take some time to recognize why you're angry so you can explain how you're feeling better.
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