How to Establish Boundaries While Caring for Others

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1Forming Boundaries

2Meeting Your Needs with Boundaries

3Reinforcing Your Boundaries

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Caring for others often means putting your own needs aside and addressing those around you. This may cause you to feel like your boundaries are not as strong as they used to be. One way to prevent this from happening is to create firm boundaries for yourself. Letting others know what your limitations can help protect your feelings and stop people from hurting you. You may want more help with your duties, need more free time, or wish to receive greater appreciation for all you do. You can establish boundaries by first determining what they are, vocalizing your needs, and then reinforcing them.

Steps

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Forming Boundaries

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   Pay attention to how you feel. When certain situations and interactions make you feel upset or uncomfortable, ask yourself why that is. Look at how each scenario makes you feel, and listen to your gut reaction. Once you figure that out, you can determine your boundaries.

   • For instance, you may feel resentment towards the person you are caring for because you feel you are being taken advantage of. Use this experience to create a boundary for yourself that will prevent you from feeling this way again.
   • You may also wish you had more time to yourself. If you feel this way, you may need to set a boundary to get additional help or more time off. Try to spend time doing things you enjoy, such as listening to music, reading, or going for walks.
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   Ask for help. Taking care of someone can be tiresome, and you may not realize that you are becoming burnt out. You may need help caring for your loved one or other family members, balancing household responsibilities, or you may need a break due to chronic stress. Try asking friends and family members for help. For example, you might be able to arrange for someone to help you prepare meals, do laundry, or run errands.

   • Consult with a close friend or family member for help you get in touch with your emotions and feelings as well. They may be able to help you put a name to these feelings you have, and alert you of any common behaviors you exhibit when it comes to allowing others to take advantage of you.
   • Seeking support is also helpful if you’re struggling with finding the courage to create these boundaries. Along with friends and family, you may want to speak with a religious or spiritual counselor or a therapist. They may be able to give you the courage and confidence you need to stand up for yourself.
   • You might also consider joining an online or in-person support group. This may give you an outlet for your feelings and provide a way for you to connect with other people who are in similar situations.
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   Write a letter to the person who is upsetting you. Getting your feelings down on paper may be what it takes to translate these emotions into boundaries. Write a letter that you won’t send to the person who is violating you, indicating what behaviors cause you to feel the way you do.

   • Once you see these feelings put into words, you may better be able to establish what makes you so upset and then you can set up boundaries accordingly.
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Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Meeting Your Needs with Boundaries

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   Tell someone when they’ve crossed the line. Those around you won’t know about your boundaries unless you tell them when they’ve upset you. Speaking up, but staying respectful, will get your point across. You may have to tell them repeatedly, but they should eventually understand.

   • You could say, “It upsets me when you are disrespectful or rude when I’m only trying to help. I will not tolerate this behavior anymore.”
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   Discuss your boundaries. Be up front and direct when talking about your boundaries. This isn’t the time to have any blurred lines. You want to state exactly what is and is not acceptable.

   • Tell the person, “I enjoy caring for you; however, I have boundaries that I need you to uphold if I am able to do this task correctly.” You can then go into what your boundaries are. For example, you might want a free weekend each month or to enjoy more leisure time with family and friends.
   • It may come as a shock to them, but if they care about you, they should understand and respect what you have to say.
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   Avoid feeling guilty about what you need. When you’re caring for others, it’s easy to feel guilty about putting your needs at the forefront. However, this is what you need to do to provide the best care possible. Therefore, don’t feel guilty or worry about judgment you may receive because of these boundaries.

   • If the people around you try to make you feel bad, remind yourself of how important this is and that you deserve it. Remember that in order to take care of others, you have to take care of yourself and creating boundaries is part of doing this.
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   Expect some resistance. You might be used to putting others’ needs above your own. When others hear that you actually have needs they have to respect, they will likely become defensive. Preparing yourself for this can stop yourself from getting upset and folding on upholding your boundaries.
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   Strive for balance. It is important to set boundaries that are not too weak or too strong. This may take some time to figure out and maintain. Consider your situation and what kinds of boundaries would be appropriate.

   • For example, setting a boundary that you are never to be disturbed while you are in your bedroom may be too strong when you are caring for someone, especially if they need your help urgently. Instead, you might want to ask that the person always knock and wait for you to respond before entering your room.
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Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Reinforcing Your Boundaries

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   Practice saying “no.” People who take care of others are often self-less. As such, they aren’t used to saying “no” very often. Practice saying this powerful word ahead of time so that when you are asked to do something you don’t want to do, you are ready to say it.

   • For instance, you could say, “I’m sorry, but I just don’t feel comfortable doing that, so my answer will have to be no.” You could also say something like, “I don’t think it’s fair that you’re asking me to do something I’ve already told you I’m not OK with.” You don’t have to be mean or disrespectful to make your message heard; simply be direct.
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   Use non-verbal signals. If the thought of actually telling someone “no” is too much to wrap your head around initially, try using your body language to get the job done. Sometimes, these signals make more of an impact than actually speaking does.

   • Taking a step or walking away from the situation, shaking your head no, crossing your arms, and holding your hands up are all non-verbal cues that let someone know you aren’t comfortable with the situation. These signals allow you to get your point across until you are ready to speak up.
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   Evaluate your role in any boundary crossings. If your boundary has been violated, determine if you had anything to do with it. Thinking about the situation and if you allowed the person to cross the line could teach you to not let it happen again. Being honest with yourself at this point is crucial, as it can help you prevent the situation from happening again.

   • Write down all of the events that led up to the situation. Having a physical account of what happened allows you to go back and look at it again, in case you feel yourself getting close to that point again. Having a reminder of what happened is extremely helpful if you find yourself giving in again.
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   Confront the person gently. When your established boundaries are violated, address the situation immediately, but with tact. Waiting until a later time to bring it up can give the wrong message to the person. They may not think you are serious about your boundaries unless you confront them right away.

   • Tell the person “I’ve already told you that I don’t feel comfortable with this, yet you still act in this unacceptable manner. I will not tolerate it anymore.” Walk away if the person starts to become negative or critical with you, to avoid getting upset or creating a hostile situation.
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   Use relaxation activities to help keep you grounded. Staying calm and centered can help to make it easier for you to interact with the person and remain firm in your boundaries. Try to set aside at least 15 minutes for yourself each day to relax and stay grounded. Some helpful activities for keeping yourself grounded include:

   • Yoga
   • Meditation
   • Deep breathing
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Tips

• Establishing boundaries can be hard, but it's necessary. When you don't have healthy boundaries, it can cause resentment to build up, which often comes out as anger.
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