How to Discuss LGBT+ Topics with a Child

Discussing sexual orientation or gender identity with your child can be difficult as a parent or sibling, However, it's not as complex as you think. This How.com.vn will walk you through talking about LGBTQ topics with a child.

Method 1

Method 1 of 4:

Discussing Sexual Orientation/Gender Identity

1
Educate yourself on different orientations. You'll want to understand different sexual orientations before discussing sexuality with your child.^{[1]XResearch source} Here are some common terms and definitions of sexual orientations:^{[2]XTrustworthy SourceCleveland ClinicEducational website from one of the world's leading hospitalsGo to source}^{[3]XResearch source}
- Lesbian: a woman or nonbinary person who is attracted to women
- Gay: a man or nonbinary person who is attracted to men
- Bisexual: a spectrum ranging from only liking men and women to liking people of all genders but gender plays a part in attraction
- Pansexual: also known as genderblind. attraction to people regardless of gender
- Asexual: someone who has little or no sexual attraction. Some asexual people can still have romantic feelings for others, masturbate, and have sex.
- Straight: someone who is only attracted to the "opposite" gender
- Queer: someone who doesn't identify with any sexuality label; someone who isn't straight or cisgender
- Questioning: someone who is questioning their sexuality or gender
2
Brush up on gender terminology. Gender identity isn't black and white--it's a spectrum. Learn about proper gender identity terms before talking to your child about gender identity:^{[4]XTrustworthy SourceCleveland ClinicEducational website from one of the world's leading hospitalsGo to source}^{[5]XResearch source}
- Gender identity: a person's internal sense of gender
- Assigned sex at birth: the sex assigned to someone at birth
- Transgender: an umbrella term for someone who doesn't identify with their assigned sex at birth
- Cisgender: a person who identifies with their assigned sex at birth
- Nonbinary: someone who doesn't identify as exclusively male or female, or identifies somewhere in-between
- Genderfluid: someone whose gender identity and/or gender expression varies from time-to-time
- Intersex: (not a gender identity) someone who is born with reproductive or sexual anatomy that does not fall neatly into the categories of "female" or "male," and is a broad term^{[6]XResearch source}
- Agender: someone who identifies with no gender
- Gender diverse: a term for anyone who doesn't identify as cisgender
Commonly Asked: Does gender identity have to do with sexual orientation? Nope! Gender identity is someone's personal, internal sense of their gender and how they feel about themselves. Sexual orientation is how someone feels about others, and is external.^{[7]XResearch source} Think of gender identity as how you go to sleep as, and sexual orientation as who you go to sleep with.
3
Remind your child that everyone is different, but should be treated equally. Teach your child that whether someone is trans, lesbian, bisexual, nonbinary, queer, cisgender, or straight, everyone should be treated equally. Someone's gender or sexuality shouldn't have anything to do with respecting them and being kind. Inform your child that we are all human and should be treated fairly.
Tip: It's a good idea to teach the universal value that "love is love" when talking about sexual orientation and LGBTQ relationships with your child.
4
Keep a neutral tone when talking about LGBTQ topics. You should keep a positive, yet neutral tone when discussing LGBTQ identity with kids so your child knows that you don't feel negatively about LGBTQ people. Maintain a calm facial expression and respectful tone of voice.
5
Find teachable moments. This step is especially applicable to younger children, who likely don't fully understand what being LGBTQ is. Try to find appropriate moments where you can discuss sexuality or gender identity with your child. Teachable moments can be found in movies, social media, or commercials. For example, if a celebrity on TV comes out, you can say to your child, "I just saw that so-and-so came out as bisexual. If you or your siblings ever questioned your gender or sexuality, I hope you would feel comfortable talking to me about it."^{[8]XTrustworthy SourceCleveland ClinicEducational website from one of the world's leading hospitalsGo to source}
6
Give your child LGBTQ resources. Whether or not your child is exploring their sexuality/gender, they should have resources to learn more about being LGBTQ. A few age-appropriate resources for kids and teens to learn more about sexuality and gender identity include:
- Trevor Project Resource Center
- Gender Spectrum
- AMAZE.org
- You can also read your child age-appropriate LGBTQ books such as "I am Jazz," "Love Makes a Family," or "My Two Moms and Me." These books explain topics that kids might not understand, in a simple, clear way.^{[9]XResearch source}
7
Start early with LGBTQ conversations. Discuss sexual orientation and, more broadly, healthy relationships with your children early and frequently. As with most matters related to sexual or reproductive health, rather than having a one-and-done chat or "the talk," multiple dialogues should take place over time. As your child grows older, you can engage in more in-depth discussions.^{[10]XResearch source}
- The earlier you begin talking about sexual orientation and gender identity, you can have more natural discussions about this. Plus, having small occasional talks is better than having one big discussion about being LGBTQ. It's also likely that you'll have multiple LGBTQ discussions in the future, not just once.
8
Avoid forcing religion and beliefs onto your child. This is one of the worst things you can do when talking to your child about being LGBTQ. When you force beliefs or religion onto your child while discussing sexuality or gender identity, they will likely think that being LGBTQ is wrong, and if they are LGBTQ, they could be fearful of your reaction if they decide to come out. Here are a few things you shouldn't say to your children, regardless of your personal beliefs:
- "Being LGBTQ is just a phase."
- "Our religion does not accept LGBTQ people."
- "I'll disown you if you're LGBTQ."
- "Being LGBTQ is a sin."
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Method 2

Method 2 of 4:

Talking About LGBTQ Political and Social Issues

1
Talk about discrimination LGBTQ people can face. This discrimination has many negative consequences for their financial, mental, and physical well-being. This includes being denied necessary health care, receiving homophobia or transphobia in public spaces, being rejected from their workplace, and facing public discrimination.^{[11]XResearch source}
- A major study from 2019 showed that the highest groups to face discrimination (out of men, women, White, Black, Hispanic, disabled, trans people, nonbinary people, and a few other groups,) nonbinary people were at the top of the list, at 69%, while trans people came on second on the list, at 62%. This shows, that even in recent times, LGBTQ and gender diverse people still face discrimination.^{[12]XResearch source}^{[13]XResearch source}
What to tell your child: State the facts without making it "scary" for them. For example, explaining how LGBTQ people are more likely to face assault and hate crime might scare your child. To explain the truth without scaring them, you could say, "Sometimes, people decide to hurt people who identify as LGBTQ out of hate and anger. This is called assault, and is never okay. Nobody should hurt others, whether it be emotionally, physically, or mentally."
2
Mention how some LGBTQ people aren't always accepted. Whether it's family, friends, teachers, or peers not accepting their LGBTQ child, friend, student, or peer, rejection hurts. According to a study conducted by Family Acceptance Project, youth who encountered severe rejection from their parents and caregivers were eight times more likely to attempt suicide than those who experienced love and acceptance from their parents and caregivers. ^{[14]XResearch source} Due to bullying and negative reactions, lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer, and questioning (LGBTQ) kids are more than four times as likely to attempt suicide than their straight and cisgender peers.^{[15]XResearch source}
- Also talk about LGBTQ groups that are especially at risk for discrimination, queer people of color and trans people.
What to tell your child: Summarize that bullying an LGBTQ peer or treating an LGBTQ person badly is never acceptable and can be extremely hurtful. Encourage your child to accept everyone and treat each individual equally regardless of their gender identity or sexual orientation.
3
Discuss work challenges and opportunities LGBTQ people might come across. There are many challenges LGBTQ individuals can face when it comes to work and jobs, such as discrimination and homophobia. According to a study, 38% of LGBTQ workers faced homophobic harassment at work, and 46% workers have experienced unfair treatment at some point in their lives.^{[16]XResearch source}However, the opportunities for queer employees are greatly increasing and workplaces are becoming more open to hiring LGBTQ folks.^{[17]XResearch source}
What to tell your child: Remind them that no one should be discriminated on at work because of their identity, and encourage working teens to support and stand up for others being treated negatively at work or school.
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Method 3

Method 3 of 4:

Coming Out to a Child (For Parents)

1
Explain your identity. Try to keep things simple, and keep the child's age in mind. For example, a 4-year-old will understand something like, "Layla, I want to tell you that mommy is a lesbian. That means she's only attracted to girls, not boys." A 14-year-old will understand "I would like for you to know that I'm lesbian, and I've started going on dates with a woman."
- If you're coming out as trans, explain your identity and how you feel. Use simple concepts that your child will understand. Here's an example: "Layla, when I was born, the doctor told me I was a girl, and I've tried to live my life as a girl, but it made me sad. However, I recognized that I am not a girl. I'm a boy, and something called transgender."
2
If this is a new development, explain that things will be a little different but you still love them. If your child or teen worries about what these changes will mean for your relationship, you will want to assure them that you still love them so much, and that coming out is just letting them know how you feel inside.^{[18]XResearch source}
- If you're trans, for example, you may tell your child that you'll be dressing a bit differently, cutting your hair and that you would like to be called "dad" from now on.
- If you're coming out as lesbian, as another example, you might say you're going to start dating women.
3
Try to answer any questions they have. Try to answer any questions that they ask you. Answer as best as you can and answer from your heart. Here are some common questions asked when a child's parent comes out, and how to answer them:
- Do you still love me? Of course I do. This just means that I'm going to start doing some things differently, but that doesn't change my love for you.
- Why are you gay/trans? Everyone is born differently, and this is just who I am inside.
- Does this mean i'll be gay/trans when I'm older? You might be, but you might not. Even if I'm gay/trans, that doesn't mean you will be. Only you can understand your gender identity or sexual orientation.
Tip: If your kid asks a question that you can't or don't want to answer right now, you can say "I don't think I have a good answer to that one yet, but maybe you have some other questions I can answer." Then try to follow up later once you've had time to think it over. Or, if it's about a fact you don't know, you can look it up together.
4
Give them time to think and process. Some kids accept things quickly, but others need time to mull it over. Don't pressure them to react or adjust right away if they need some time. You can always follow up later and check in on what they think about this.
- It can be hard if your kid doesn't react well, but that doesn't mean it'll always be this way. Try to make time to listen to their feelings, especially so you can see what their hang-up is. For example, maybe someone has been telling them anti-LGBTQ things or they are worried that you won't have time for them anymore. If you find the root of the issue, you can work on helping.
5
Affirm the good things in your relationship. Especially if this is big news, your child might be wondering what this means for your family. Make sure to spend some extra time together having fun and doing regular parent-child things. This will help them feel secure that even if some things might change in your family, their place in your life is the same.
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Method 4

Method 4 of 4:

Supporting an LGBTQ Child

1
Reassure your child that you love them no matter what. It's extremely important to remind your child that you love them for who they truly are, regardless of their gender identity or sexuality.^{[19]XResearch source}
- If your child comes out to you, don't claim you "knew it all along".^{[20]XResearch source} Your kid may have faced a lot of inner turmoil or tried hard to hide this, so even if you mean well, it can come across as insensitive.
2
Respond with love and support. Show your delight that they have come out to you. Tell them you're proud of them for being themselves and that you love them no matter what. This demonstrates to your child that who they are is acceptable.^{[21]XTrustworthy SourceHealthyChildren.orgHealth information from the American Academy of Pediatrics.Go to source}
- Try helping with their self-affirmation process. For example, you could help a transgender son get his first "boy" haircut or help your daughter prepare for her date with another girl.
- Buying a piece of pride merch may feel a little silly, but it's also a small gesture that could mean a lot to your kid.
3
Work on using a transgender child's correct name and pronouns. If your child wants to use different pronouns or a new name, respect this. If you accidentally use the wrong pronouns or name for them (because you probably will), quickly correct yourself and move on.
- If your kid wants you involved in the name-picking process, then you can share some names that are special to you, or tell them what you would have named them had you known their correct gender at birth. But they should be the one to make the final choice, so don't try to control it.
4
Put effort into understanding your child's identity. If you aren't very familiar with their identity, then you might be feeling confused. It's helpful to educate yourself on the gender identity or sexuality they identify with. For example, if your teen comes out as genderfluid, research genderfluidity.
- Some trans children want to use neopronouns, such as ze/hir or xe/xem. For many parents, neopronouns can be a little tricky. This article will give you a simple guide on how to use neopronouns.
5
Talk to trans kids about hormone therapy. Puberty blockers, also known as hormone blockers, assist to postpone undesired physical changes that do not correspond to a person's gender identification. Using puberty blockers is like pressing the pause button. Puberty blockers postpone changes that might impact gender expression by inhibiting the sex hormones testosterone and estrogen.^{[22]XResearch source}
- Some trans kids might want to take puberty blockers if they realize they're trans at a younger age (before 12). It's important to talk to a trans child about whether or not they want to start hormone therapy.
- There is a lot to know about puberty blockers and hormone therapy, so do lots of research on this. Hormone therapy can be quite expensive for children under 18. Do what you can to help protect your child from distressing body changes.
- Gender expression isn't just hormones. It also includes clothing, haircuts/wigs, binders/sports bras, and whatever accessories help them look on the outside the way they feel on the inside. Talk to your kid about what they need and what you can afford.
6
Support and accept them. Above all, support and accept your LGBTQ child for who they truly are. Don't attempt to change your child or rush them through transition. Allow your child to make their own decisions about how they want to dress, who they want to date (or not date), and how they want to live. Be a continuous source of support and love for them.
- To better assist our children, we can encourage them from an early age to pursue their own interests – whether dolls or trucks, puzzles or games – and to choose their own "play" clothes. The more children feel empowered to make their own decisions, the more likely it is that they will come to you later with questions.^{[23]XResearch source}
- Allow your child to express their gender identity how they want to without judgement.
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Community Q&A

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Question
Doesn't this damage kids?
Nico
Top Answerer
No, it actually benefits kids. Talking about LGBTQ topics with a child can help them see from different perspectives and learn to accept and understand different people. It can also teach children about equality and that everyone is different, but should be accepted no matter what. Most kids already know more than you think. This won't hurt them.
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Question
How do I explain what being nonbinary is to my child?
Nico
Top Answerer
Tell your child that some people identify as a boy or girl, but some others don't identify as either/just one, and this is called being nonbinary/genderqueer.
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Question
How do I tell my child it's okay to be LGBTQ without making it weird?
Nico
Top Answerer
Just tell them! It doesn't have to be weird at all. You could say something like, "I just want you to know that I will always love and support you, regardless of how you identify now or in the future."
Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
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