How to Deal with a Destructive Parent As an Adult

Humans are wired to bond with our caregivers, even, if it turns out our caregivers are neglectful, abusive, or selfish.^{[1]XResearch source} As you grow into adulthood, you may realize that your parent was a destructive influence on your life, whether due to mental illness, substance abuse, or other issues. Unlike in childhood, you now have the language and the capacity to manage your relationship with your destructive parent. You may decide to set boundaries in your relationship with your parent, as well as find other ways to take care of yourself and protect yourself from toxic behavior. No matter the challenges, you can find ways to move forward in your life -- with or without a relationship with your parent.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Taking Care of Yourself

1
Recognize the long-term consequences of abuse or neglect. You likely already know that the immediate effects of parental abuse or neglect can be damaging, ranging from physical bruises and cuts to emotional consequences, like the inability to trust or form bonds with other caregivers. The long-term consequences of destructive parenting can be just as disruptive, and sometimes even more so. These effects are still being studied, but some of them that can come into play in adulthood include:
- Learning disabilities
- Impaired physical and/or emotional development
- Sleep disturbances
- Anxiety, depression, PTSD, dissociative disorders, ADHD, and/or reactive attachment disorder
- Increased chances of STDs, heart disease, cancer, lung disease, skeletal fractures, liver disease
- Greater difficulties obtaining and maintaining stable, healthy relationships
- Increased chances of drug and alcohol abuse
- Increased chances of criminal activity. About ⅓ of untreated victims of destructive parenting will eventually victimize their own children.
2
Seek therapy. Seek a qualified therapist to help you unpack your feelings from childhood that carry into your adult life and relationships. Your therapist will help you work through emotions, deal with unhealthy thought patterns, and help you strategize in dealing with your parent.
- While not everyone needs to see a therapist to manage problems with their parents, it can be helpful, particularly if you feel as though you are struggling. Signs you may benefit from therapy include: feelings of helplessness and sadness, your problems not improving, excessive worrying or constantly being on edge, or struggling with addiction issues (like alcohol or drug use).^{[2]XTrustworthy SourceAmerican Psychological AssociationLeading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologistsGo to source}
3
Be aware of therapy ethics. Therapists are bound by a strong code of ethics by their association or state governing board. This is for your own protection, so that you feel safe in self-disclosing your feelings to your therapist for the most beneficial treatment. In dealing with the trauma from a parent, however, some regulations may be important to remember:
- Your therapist cannot diagnose your parent in absentia. They may give you strategies for dealing with someone who has an alcohol problem, for example, but they cannot say, “Yes, your mother is an alcoholic,” without independently evaluating her.^{[3]XResearch source}
- Your therapist is bound by confidentiality, but they are mandated reporters. If you have a minor sibling in the home who is experiencing abuse, or another parent who is abused or neglected, they are required by law to report these incidents.
4
Keep a journal. You may find it helpful to write down some of your emotions and examine your childhood memories privately. Journaling helps you clarify your emotions and get to know yourself better.^{[4]XResearch source}
- Journaling allows you to keep a record of your thoughts. Looking back on your old writing helps you see thought patterns and remember incidents (and your reactions to them) you may have forgotten. This can lead to greater self-awareness and personal growth.
- If you are in therapy, you can bring your journal to your therapist and read some of your self-reflections.
5
Practice self-care. Self-care refers to behaviors and techniques a person can use to reduce stress and increase a feeling of well-being. Self-care practices help you bring more balance to your life. They also help you recognize your limits: you begin to feel a need for self-care in your body, or in a fatigued mental state. Self-care techniques vary for different people.^{[5]XResearch source}
- Think about what activities you enjoy that feel restorative to you. You may feel better after dinner with a close friend, extra sleep, attending a religious service, or exercising. Try to incorporate these activities into your everyday life.
- You can often tell if you are in need of self-care by the signals in your body. You may feel irritable, anxious, exhausted, or forgetful.^{[6]XResearch source}
- Practicing self-care can help you feel more “normal” again after a draining encounter with your parent.
6
Avoid numbing behaviors. Numbing behaviors are usually addictive in nature and keep you from dealing with your emotions. These behaviors, like alcohol and drug use, binge-eating, or zoning out in front of the TV are not tools for self-care. ^{[7]XResearch source}
- If you struggle with addictive behaviors, consider attending a recovery meeting like Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, or Overeaters Anonymous.
7
Find trustworthy people. In instances where you are estranged from your parents and/or extended family, you will want to find people in your life who can help you feel emotionally supported. Be a supportive person for these people, too.
- Find an older adult who can help you in a mentor capacity. Is there someone older in your life who can provide you the perspective that age brings?
- Think about people who’ve “got your back.” These people might be your close friends, your roommate, extended family, members of your religious institution, or coworkers. Build your own support network. Keep in mind that different people will serve different roles for you: the friend who you can always count on for a fun time, the coworker who mentors you professionally, and so on.
8
Find a support group. Look for a support group for people who cope with difficult parents. Support groups help you connect with others who have similar experiences, helping you to feel less isolated. Together, you can talk about your problems, communicate your successes, and find strategies for managing your situation.^{[8]XTrustworthy SourceMayo ClinicEducational website from one of the world's leading hospitalsGo to source}
- Search online for support groups. For example, try searching for “support groups for adult children of narcissists” if you believe your parent may have Narcissistic Personality Disorder. There may be in-person support groups you can attend, or you may find support in online forums.
- If you are a child of an alcoholic, you may find support at Al-Anon. Teenagers of alcoholic parents may find help at Alateen.^{[9]XResearch source}
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Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Setting Appropriate Boundaries

1
Decide your level of involvement. Set boundaries with your parent and determine how much you want to be involved in and connected to their life. Different people and different situations demand different boundaries, so the only person who can tell you what’s best for you is yourself (perhaps with the input of your partner, close friend, or therapist).^{[10]XResearch source}
- You may decide that you are only comfortable seeing your parent occasionally, perhaps only at family events where their presence is diffused.
- You may only feel comfortable communicating via phone or email with your parent, and not be comfortable seeing them in person.
- If you have children, you may wish to limit your parent’s contact with them. You may decide to agree to letting your parent see them only while you are present, and say no to offers of babysitting and overnights, for example.
2
Communicate your boundaries to your parent. Let your parent know what they can expect from you and what, in turn, you expect from them. Indicate what the consequences will be if they do not adhere to your expectations.
- You could say, “I have decided to come home for Christmas. If you are verbally abusive to me during our visit, I will call you out on it, and then I will leave.”
- Do not be afraid to let your parent to know your limits. Going into a situation with clear expectations can help avoid hurt feelings and confusion. You could say, “I know that we have had our problems in the past. When I visit next week, I want to be clear with you about what I will tolerate.”
3
Learn to say no. Refuse to get more involved with your parent than you are comfortable. If you are uncomfortable setting limits, remember how you may become angry and resentful otherwise.^{[11]XResearch source}
- Find ways to say no. Figure out how you are comfortable saying no, but make sure it is firm and leaves no room for misunderstanding. You could say, “I’m sorry, Mom, but that’s not going to work,” or “No, unfortunately I can’t make that event.”
- If you are not comfortable saying no directly, you could offer something in exchange that you are willing to do. For example, “Mom, I can’t help you move on Saturday, but I can come over the following week and help you unpack for a few hours,” or “No, taking the kids out for pizza won’t work, but you are welcome to come over for dinner next week.”
4
Implement self-care strategies when seeing your parent. Prior to an encounter, decide how you can keep yourself emotionally “safe” from your parent’s harm. These will be different for every person and depend on the situation. If you are in therapy, you may wish to discuss strategies with your therapist.^{[12]XResearch source}
- If your parent lives nearby and you are visiting them for the day, you may wish to set a time limit for your visit. You could tell your parent, “We need to leave by two o’clock.”
- If you are visiting your parent from out of town, you could insist on getting a hotel while you are visiting, in order to get some physical distance and recovery time from the toxic environment.
- You may decide to leave right away if your parent is being verbally abusive or is engaging in substance abuse, giving them no second chances.
5
Keep your distance. If they have “disowned” you or you are estranged from them for some reason, respect their boundaries and give them the space they want. It may be extremely painful, even though you have consistently been treated poorly by your parent throughout your life. If this is the case, consider finding a therapist to help you work through conflicting emotions.^{[13]XResearch source}
- Put it in perspective. Even though it is painful to be estranged from your family, think of how the space will allow you to get some freedom and grow into your own, stronger person.
- Give it time. Your parent may wish to communicate with you at some point down the road. Stay hopeful, but let the ball remain in their court. Let your parent initiate contact if they initiated the disconnect.
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Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Changing Your Perspective

1
Allow yourself to grieve. When you realize that your parents didn’t care for you as well as they could have, you will likely feel very hurt. Allow yourself to feel that hurt and disappointment from your childhood and to process it fully. This is a process that many people go through when they’ve experienced a traumatic upbringing. It’s important to remember that your parents’ actions were not your fault, so you shouldn’t feel ashamed in any way by your feelings. Remember, it’s okay to ask for help from trusted friends or family, or from a therapist.
2
Realize their poor parenting wasn’t your fault. There will be a huge surge of hurt in your heart when you realize that your parent let you down. You were born into parents that were too self-involved or concentrated on the wrong things to the point of destruction. This is not your fault, but how you deal with it is your responsibility.
- Do not allow yourself to be made to feel guilty or ashamed for your childhood behavior. If your parent says, “You were such a mouthy child, it’s no wonder I lost my temper,” you could say, “You had no excuse to verbally berate a child the way you did.”
3
Consider talking to your parent. If you feel emotionally healthy enough, and if you think you parent will be receptive, you could consider talking to them about your feelings and experiences. This could help you come to a better understanding of your relationship with your parent and hear your parent’s perspective. An honest, open conversation with your parent could offer new insight on your past.^{[14]XTrustworthy SourceGreater Good MagazineJournal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier livingGo to source}
- If you choose to have a conversation with a parent who was abusive, or who struggles with mental illness or addiction issues, it may be wise to have this conversation in the presence of a therapist. A therapist can also help you prior to the conversation with your parent about what you can expect, as well as coach you on what you want to say.
- It may feel freeing to express yourself to your parent, but understand that they might feel under attack and defensive.
- You and your parent could decide what you want to do next. For example, “Dad, we’ve gone a few years hardly speaking to each other. What should our relationship look like going forward?”
4
Forgive your parent. Sometimes we become weighed down by our grudges and resentments: “If only he had done this,” or “I still can’t believe she treated me like that.” Forgiveness is coming to a place of acceptance about the past and vowing to let go of the anger you have been clinging to.^{[15]XResearch source}
- Forgiveness doesn’t mean that you condone the behavior. Rather, you are refusing to let it anger you any longer, and you are coming to a place of peace and acceptance about the past.
- Just because you forgive someone doesn’t mean that you will have them in your life and everything will be wonderful. Often, people may choose not to have any contact with those they forgive. Forgiveness is often more for yourself than for the other person. Besides psychological and emotional benefits, there are lots of health benefits to forgiveness, including lower blood pressure and a stronger immune system.^{[16]XTrustworthy SourceMayo ClinicEducational website from one of the world's leading hospitalsGo to source}
- You may wish to develop a ritual to acknowledge your forgiveness. You may decide to throw something into the sea, or write a note with all your anger and bitterness and set it on fire or rip it to shreds.^{[17]XResearch source}
5
Apologize for your mistakes if necessary. Be the bigger person and admit fault if you contributed to the family dysfunction in some way. This may be difficult if you are still waiting on an apology from your parent for their behavior, but do it anyway. Be a role model for the behavior you would like to see in your parent.
- You could say, “I’m sorry I caused so much trouble in the family when I was drinking as a teenager. I know that it was hard on you.”
- Do not, however, be coerced into making an apology for being a “bad” child. You could say, “I think our family has a lot of problems, and I think I tried to deal with them any way I could.”
6
Hope for the best, but keep your expectations low. Your parent may change someday down the road. If you are in contact with your parent, you can encourage them to seek counseling or join a substance abuse support group to get help. Perhaps little nudges in the right direction will make a difference. But keep your expectations reasonable. If your parent has never been anything but emotionally distant from you, for example, there is likely little possibility of that changing.
- Accept that you can't control your parent’s actions. The only behavior you can change is your own. Changing your own behavior, by speaking up or setting limits, may in turn impact their behavior. For example, if your alcoholic parent is drinking around you, you could say, “I told you we wouldn’t be spending time with you if you are drinking,” and end your visit.
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