How to Deal with a Clingy Child

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1Understanding Your Child’s Clinginess

2Addressing Clingy Behavior in the Moment

3Encouraging Independence

4Providing Plenty of Love and Attention

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As young children begin to learn about the world around them, they develop various personality traits and habits. While some children seem to become confident and independent from an early age, others remain clingy, seeking safety, protection, and reassurance from their closest caretakers. It can be exhausting and frustrating dealing with a very clingy child. Fortunately, there are several strategies you can try to help your child let go of his or her clinginess and move toward independence.

Steps

Part 1

Part 1 of 4:

Understanding Your Child’s Clinginess

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   Accept clinginess as a healthy developmental state. Clinginess is a normal stage in child development. Children go through this stage at different times and to varying degrees, but it’s normal and not a reason to worry. Do not reject, scold, or punish your child for her clinginess; you will only make an already vulnerable child feel neglected and frightened.

   • Certain normal developmental stages are often clingy for kids, such as when she is an older baby and becoming more mobile by learning to crawl or walk; when she is young toddler learning to communicate using words; and when she goes through big changes such as starting daycare or preschool. This is because the older she gets, the more she learns and comprehends that she is separate from you. She is also learning simultaneously about the dangers in the world, and she may feel alone and unprotected. She clings to you for reassurance that she has someone on her side in a big and scary world.
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   Consider the causes of your child’s clinginess. You may notice that certain circumstances make your child nervous or uncomfortable. Try to pinpoint which issues make your child behave especially anxious, so you can predict when the clinginess will be at its worst.

   • Are there certain situations that stress your child out the most? Socializing with other children? Going to school? See if you can identify common themes, and talk to any teachers or other caregivers to determine whether your child manages these situations when you are not present.
   • Some toddlers and young preschoolers experience intense clinginess during drop-off at daycare or preschool, crying and acting terrified. Often this behavior stops the moment the child's parent has left. Ask the teacher to help you at drop-off so that you can leave quickly and not drag out the inevitable. Reassure your child you will be back, and then leave quickly.
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   Determine if your behavior is contributing to the clinginess. Is it possible that you are unintentionally causing the clingy behavior? Some parents protect their children too much, trying to prevent them from physical injuries or negative emotions. You may need to relax a little before your child can feel comfortable asserting his independence.

   • Try to encourage your child's independence by telling him how strong and brave he is, and by encouraging him to try new things. As long as he is safe, let him walk a few steps away from you at the park or library and play with other children. Let him climb up on the jungle gym or explore your backyard without hovering too close.
   • Try not to overreact when your child is injured. If it’s a small fall, for example, wait to see if he is hurt before rushing to her side.
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   Be aware of disorders that may cause clinginess. While clinginess can be completely normal for children, it is also possible your child may have a disorder that must be addressed. Adjustment disorder, attachment disorders, and separation anxiety all have clinginess as a symptom. If you are concerned that your child has one of the following disorders, speak to her pediatrician about treatment. In this situation, you may benefit from the help of a therapist or specialist in child behavior.

   • Adjustment Disorder: Occurs following a traumatic or difficult event (such as moving, divorce, starting school, etc). The child struggles to adjust to life after the event, and she may display the following signs: abnormally anxious or depressed, difficulty sleeping, regular crying spells, displaying hostility and picking fights, isolating and refusing to go to school.
   • Attachment Disorder: The child has difficulty connecting with others, usually caused by abuse, neglect, or instability during the first three years of life. The child will display a lack of trust, have difficulty showing affection, an aversion to physical touch or affection, anger in the form of tantrums or passive-aggressive behavior, obsession with being in control, lack of guilt or remorse, and may be clingy and demanding.
   • Separation Anxiety: Children with separation anxiety usually come from close-knit families and exhibit high levels of anxiety and/or fear when separated from those to whom she is attached. She may experience sadness, difficulty concentrating, social withdrawal, heightened fear of perceived dangers (like animals, burglars, car accidents, etc) to family members or herself, inability to sleep without the other person being nearby or be afraid to sleep away from home, clinginess, anger and even violence against someone forcing separation. To qualify as separation anxiety, the child must display these symptoms for at least four weeks.
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Part 2

Part 2 of 4:

Addressing Clingy Behavior in the Moment

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   Avoid situations that exacerbate your child’s clinginess. If your child is going through an especially clingy phase, it’s okay to try to avoid the situations that make your child overly clingy. Just as you might avoid a situation that causes anxiety for you, it's ok to avoid situations that do the same thing to your child.

   • Be aware, too, that hunger and tiredness can exacerbate clingy behaviors.
   • Once you have pinpointed the situations that seem to make your child anxious, you can avoid these situations entirely. For example, if crowded playgrounds or play dates with particular people make the problem worse, avoid them until your child becomes a bit more independent.
   • If you can't avoid the situation outright, you can also compromise by adapting the situation to make it more acceptable to your child. For example, you could go to the playground when it is less crowded early in the morning, or have a playdate that requires less one-on-one time (for instance, meet up with your child's friend and his parents at the zoo or aquarium).
   • This strategy will only work if your child's clinginess is relatively short-lived. If your child is experiencing intense anxiety and it has lasted several months, and if it interferes with your daily life or his ability to meet normal developmental milestones, ask your pediatrician for an evaluation. It is possible that your child has social anxiety or another social development disorder that is affecting his ability to become independent.
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   Prepare your child for potentially problematic situations. If you cannot avoid a particular situation, do your best to prepare your child for it. Explain where you are going, what you will be doing, and what kind of behavior you expect.

   • Even if your child is only a baby or toddler and doesn't yet speak much, you can explain in simple terms what to expect. Babies understand language much sooner than they can speak. Use short, simple sentences and a lot of detail, for example, "Today we are going to go to the doctor! Remember Doctor Smith? She takes good care of you! She will look in your eyes, and in your ears, and listen to your heart. She will see how much you weight. You will get a shot in your arm, and it will hurt, but it will be over very quickly and then Doctor Smith will give you a sucker!" For a very anxious child, you can also act out the scenario.
   • If your child seems especially upset when you leave her in the care of someone else, take the time to prepare for this, too. Explain that you understand how your child feels and that her feelings are okay. Emphasize the fun she will have, and remind your child that you will return. Never sneak away; simply explain what’s going on, and keep a positive attitude. Sneaking will only teach your child not to trust you.
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   Try to be a little less protective. Offer your child some freedom and independence where appropriate. You may need to get over your own fears and apprehensions before your child can do the same.

   • Let your child acclimate to independence gradually, by spending time playing alone. Instead of structuring your child's entire day or trying to interact with him constantly, allow him to entertain himself for small periods of time. He may like to look at books, color, build with blocks, or play with dolls. If your child is a young toddler, he may only be able to play alone for a few minutes at a time, but by the time he is four or five years old he should be able to spend an hour or more in imaginative play.
   • At a playground or other public place, take one step back from where you normally stand while the child plays. As long as your child is mobile and able to safely navigate the playground equipment, continue to take a step back each time you take your child to the playground, until you are sitting on a bench nearby. Offer encouragement and support, and stay involved by actively watching (no playing on your phone!), but try not to hover too closely.
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   Support your child by providing reassurance. A clingy child is seeking shelter and safety. Do not reject, ignore, or scold your child for this behavior. Offer hugs and reassurance as you encourage independence.

   • One way to reassure an anxious toddler or child is to let her know what you are doing. If you are going into the next room, tell her. Say, "I have to put my cup in the sink, but I will be right back." If you are leaving him at school or daycare, tell her that you are leaving rather than disappearing when she's not looking. Even if it is harder because she cries, she will feel that she can trust your word and know what to expect, and she won't have to worry that you will disappear.
   • If your child is experiencing a lot of stress because of times that you have to spend apart, try to spend extra time cuddling, reading stories, or playing in the yard together. Your child may need extra attention to feel secure on days like that.
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   Take your child’s emotions seriously. Try to understand your child’s fear and anxiety, and explain why a particular situation is safe without undermining those feelings. Tell your child that you understand how she feels, even as you work towards making your child less clingy.

   • Remember that young children have been in the world a very short time, and their frames of reference are very limited. Fears that seem silly to adults are overwhelming to a very young child. Respect your child by taking her fears seriously and trying to help her understand and master them, instead of telling her that her emotions are silly or that she is acting like a baby.
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   Do not punish a clingy child. Remember, a clingy phase is normal and healthy developmentally. You do not want to make your child feel badly because he needs you and is acting on a normal developmental phase. Punishing will not help the situation, and will only confuse your child.

   • Remember that a clingy child trusts you to care for his needs. If you yell at him or chastise him for his clinginess, you leave him with no one whom he can count on to support him.
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Part 3

Part 3 of 4:

Encouraging Independence

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   Separate from your child gradually. If you have a clingy child who is experiencing acute separation anxiety, try to separate gradually. Leave your child for a few minutes at a time, then come back. Increase the period of time gradually, until your child adjusts to the idea of a temporary separation.

   • When you are playing together at home, say, "Oh, I forgot my water in the kitchen. I will be right back!" Go and get it and come right back; don't dawdle. She will see that you are reliable and that you come back.
   • The next time you leave the room, do something that takes a little longer. For example, you might say, "I need to put a load of laundry in. I will be back in a few minutes!" Each time you need to leave the room, try to be gone a minute or two longer.
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   Build a routine to provide reassurance for an anxious child. Children who are uncomfortable with change may become less clingy if you build a regular routine. Doing so allows them to know what will happen in advance. Explain to your child, for example, that every day, after lunch, you will wash the dishes; note that your child will need to play alone during that time.

   • It can be especially helpful to establish patterns and routines during parts of the day when your child is especially clingy or anxious. If your child struggles with drop-off at school, for instance, you might establish a ritual of putting his snack in his cubby, greeting the teacher, hugging you goodbye, and giving you a high five as he heads off to his seat.
   • Bedtime rituals also provide structure and predictability for children who become clingy at the mention of sleep. One soothing routine includes a warm bath, a lotion massage, pajamas, a story, a song, and then bed. You can also introduce a simple phrase or special way of saying goodnight, such as "I love you lots! I will see you when you wake up in the morning!" This provides some reassurance that you will be there when the child wakes.
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   Assign your child independent tasks to boost self-confidence. Help your child feel confident and independent by giving her a specific task to accomplish. These small accomplishments will help your child develop a sense of self-worth and independence as well as a can-do attitude that will translate to later attempts at new tasks.

   • The task you choose should correspond to your child's age and ability, but some ideas include picking up her toys, setting the table, folding wash cloths or towels, sorting laundry to wash, checking the mail, or washing the vegetables for dinner. You may want to focus on tasks that you know your child can do but that she frequently asks you to do for her, like putting on her shoes or washing her hands.
   • Consider creating a simple rewards chart with the days of the week across the top of the chart, and the chores or tasks down the side of the chart. For every completed task, let your child place a sticker in the corresponding spot. When your child has filled in the chart or received a set amount of stickers (ten, for example), you can reward her with a trip to the splash pad or an ice cream cone.
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   Offer your child plenty of opportunities for socializing. Play groups and play dates will expose your child to other children, some of whom are less clingy; these social opportunities will also encourage your child to have fun and develop relationships away from you.

   • If your child is especially clingy in these situations, try to make sure your child knows at least one other child involved. Stay around, and tell your child that you will be there; remove yourself from these situations gradually, as your child feels more comfortable.
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   Make new activities available to encourage independence. Get your child interested in playing independently (or with other children) by changing the environment or offering a new toy or game. If you usually play in the backyard, go to the park; if your child usually builds with blocks, try a craft project.

   • Consider visiting your local library to find information on local play groups, meet ups, and story times. These can be a great way to break out of a monotonous routine.
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Part 4

Part 4 of 4:

Providing Plenty of Love and Attention

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   Start each day with love and affection. Greet your child with hugs and kisses in the morning, and set a positive tone for the day.

   • Children who receive a lot of love in the form of physical affection tend to have a closer bond with their caregivers, which creates a feeling of safety and reassurance. It also bolsters brain growth, social skills, and self-confidence, all of which will help your child feel more secure in the world, and thus less likely to cling to you in unfamiliar situations.
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   Spend quality time with your child. Clingy children will feel more secure and independent if they know that their parents are there for them. Make sure to spend time with your child every day, free of distractions — no TV, phone, or other electronics. Listen to your child, and offer him 100% of your attention.

   • Try spending time at the local library, park, or in your own backyard. Sit down on your child's level and engage in play with your child, on your child's terms. Follow his lead.
   • For best results, incorporate this focused time together into your routine. If, say, you plan to do this every day after lunch, your child will know to expect it. He will be less likely to cling at other times.
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   Praise independent activity to encourage more of it. Whenever your child does play alone or take other steps outside of her comfort zone, offer plenty of praise and enthusiasm. Make sure your child knows that you recognize and appreciate the effort.

   • Praising your child for trying something new or otherwise showing independence teaches her that you notice the hard work it takes to master a new skill. If your child is a people-pleaser, she will want to continue doing independent things like this in order to please you and garner more praise.
   • Be sure not to fall into the habit of over-doing your praise, which can backfire for a anxious and unsure child. Some children interpret praise as an evaluation of their effort and even their worth, and can then become self-conscious about trying new things that are difficult for fear that their parents will not be proud of them anymore if they fail.
   • For example, you might praise your child's bravery or willingness to try something new, rather than putting a lot of emphasis on the end result. Let your child know it is admirable to take a risk and work at something.
   • Avoid praising things that are not really accomplishments. It is not necessary to celebrate everything your child does ("You finished your vegetables! Hooray!"), as this can dilute her actual achievements and also make her feel she constantly has to impress you.
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   Encourage your child to draw his feelings. When you must leave your clingy child for awhile, encourage him to create a drawing that expresses his feelings. This shows that you care and gives your child something to focus on in your absence.

   • Increasingly, art therapy is used to treat anxiety and other issues in children, who don't always have the words to express how they're feeling.
   • Although you may not be able to evaluate your child's artwork like a trained psychologist, you can look for themes to see what might be troubling your child. Is he afraid to be alone because he thinks something might happen to him, or because he thinks you will not come back? Ask him questions about his picture to try to understand his clinginess.
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   Be patient with your child during this stage. Every child is different. Clinginess is a normal stage, and your child will grow out of it on her own timetable.

   • In the meantime, don't forget to take care of yourself. It can be emotionally draining to have a child who constantly clings to you, so take time to relax and do something you enjoy while your child is safe with a family member or sitter.
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Tips

• Understand that clinginess may come and go. Some children seem to move past this stage, then slide back later, when new developmental milestones appear or when a major change occurs – starting school, for example, or gaining a sibling.
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• A positive attitude is essential for dealing with a clingy child. If your child sees that you are frustrated, annoyed, or angry about the clinginess, the problem may only get worse. The goal here should be to help your child feel confident, capable, secure, and loved.
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