How to Deal with Resentment in a Marriage

Feelings of resentment can occur in a marriage when two people don’t communicate about small problems and work towards a solution. This resentment can lead to major problems in the relationship and cause rifts and make people wonder if they are still in love with their spouses. If there are feelings of resentment in your marriage, you can deal with them by confronting the problems in the relationship, talking to your spouse in a constructive way, finding solutions to the problems, letting go of the resentment, and finding ways to move forward.

Method 1

Method 1 of 4:

Addressing Your Feelings

1
Confront problems in the relationship. Often, resentment forms when a couple doesn’t discuss problems. This leads to the problem festering until one or both partners are angry and full of toxic thoughts. Instead of ending the marriage, you and your partner should discuss the problems that form so you can get them out in the open and work through them.^{[1]XResearch source}
- When you feel angry or hurt at your spouse, tell them. Bring up the problem instead of letting it fester into resentment.
- You may say, “I feel angry about something. I’d like to discuss it with you so it doesn’t become a huge problem in our marriage.”
2
Trust yourself and your feelings. Some people don’t bring up their feelings because they don’t trust that their feelings are valid. They may think they are overreacting or being too sensitive. This is not true. Your feelings are valid, even negative ones like hurt, disappointment, and anger. Allow yourself to feel these things so you can voice them to your partner.^{[2]XResearch source}
- Remember that you are half of the marriage. Your feelings, even those of resentment, are just as important as your spouse’s feelings.
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3
Determine if your feelings are resentment. Some people in a marriage think that they are falling out of love with their spouse when actually they feel resentment. This resentment can make you angry at the other person, not want to be around the other person, or think there are no feelings of love anymore.^{[3]XResearch source}
- To determine if you are feeling resentment, take an honest assessment of your feelings. Are there things that your partner has done that have lead you to feel unappreciated, disappointed, angry, or hurt? Are there problems in your relationship that you haven’t discussed? If the answer to these questions is yes, you may feel resentment.
4
Accept that dealing with resentment may mean temporary conflict. Many people don’t bring up problems or deal with feelings of resentment because they don’t like conflict in their marriage. They want to do anything to avoid fighting with their significant other, and instead remain quiet to keep the peace. This action leads to resentment. While you may have minor conflict in the marriage for a few hours or days, facing the problems causing the resentment is healthier in the long run.^{[4]XResearch source}
- If you have been avoiding saying anything because you don’t want conflict, think about your relationship as it is not with the resentment. Resentment doesn’t lead to a good marriage. A bit of uncomfortable conflict, or even some angry feelings, is worth getting through the resentment and saving the marriage.
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Method 2

Method 2 of 4:

Talking About the Resentment

1
Listen to your partner’s concerns. Part of dealing with resentment is listening to your partner. You can’t deal with resentment and the issues that lead to the resentment if you don’t listen to each other’s problems and feelings. Though it may be hard to hear, take a step back and objectively listen to what your partner has to say.^{[5]XResearch source}
- Listening to your partner, even if you feel resentment also, helps you work through the problems and reach a solution. Refusing to listen leads to more resentment, and can eventually lead to the end of the marriage.
2
Seek professional help. If you find that you cannot talk to your spouse or that your partner won’t listen to you, you may need to see a marriage counselor or a therapist. A professional can help mediate between you and your spouse, help you both figure out how to say what you can’t verbalize, and help you work towards a solution.^{[6]XResearch source}
- Even if your partner won’t see a marriage counselor, you may consider seeing one to help you figure out how to deal with the issues in your marriage, and how to better communicate.
3
Use only “I” statements. When you discuss your resentment, you may feel inclined to place blame on your partner. This generally leads to more problems, anger, and resentment. When you talk to your spouse, use only “I” statements to bring up issues. This helps you avoid accusing your spouse of things.
- For example, you may say, “I feel overwhelmed and frustrated because the house is always a mess. I need help because I cannot do everything by myself.”
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Method 3

Method 3 of 4:

Finding a Solution

1
Forgive. Resentment happens when you don’t forgive what someone has done to you. To help move on past the resentment, you must forgive your spouse for what they have done. This helps you both move forward and repair the damage caused by the resentment.
- Forgiving someone means that you acknowledge a wrong was done, but then you don’t let it control your emotions and relationship. You accept the person was wrong, apologized, or didn’t mean to hurt you.
- Sometimes, people are unable to forgive because they want to feel right and be validated. This can impede your ability to heal and move on.
- Make sure that you have actually asked for help before getting angry at your partner for not helping.
2
Let go of your resentment. A series of hurts becomes resentment when you hold on to the wrongs and keep replaying it over and over in your mind. This lets it fester and become toxic. To deal with the resentment and move forward, you have to let go of the destructive feelings.
- To let go of these feelings, you have to understand that the negative feelings are in the past. They do not control you, your emotions, or your actions. What happens in the present isn’t the same as what happened in the past.
- Understand that people make mistakes. You cannot control what people do, but you can control your reactions.
- Letting go of the resentment allows you to heal, which is healthy for you. It helps you be able to build and have healthy, loving relationships.
3
Use cognitive behavioral techniques. You can deal with resentment by changing the way you think. Cognitive behavioral therapy is a technique where you change negative thought patterns by replacing them with healthier thoughts.
- When you notice your resentment, acknowledge it. Then, instead of dwelling on those thoughts, tell yourself, “I will not obsess about this. I will let it go.” Then imagine yourself letting the feelings go, as if they were a balloon or smoke.
4
Propose solutions to the problem. When you sit down to discuss your resentment with your spouse, you should come up with ways to solve the problem or change the behavior. Ask for help if you need it from your spouse. Needing help is a common source of resentment, so ask for it to help resolve the feelings of resentment.
- You may say, “I need your help with the household chores. I cannot do everything myself. I think we should split up the work more fairly” or “I want you to spend more time with me/the family on the weekends instead of going fishing with your friends.”
5
Find time for physical connection. While you are dealing with the resentment in the marriage, don’t shut each other out. You may still be hurt, so you don’t touch each other, hug, kiss, or have sex. This isn’t the answer. Instead, focus on overcoming the resentment by connecting again physically.
- You may have to consciously hug and kiss when before you would have done it as a natural action.
- Have sex with each other every day or two. This can help the two of you come to a better connection and start rebuilding the relationship, even if emotionally you both are still working through the issues—this way you don't create an additional problem.
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Method 4

Method 4 of 4:

Moving Forward

1
Agree to share your feelings in the future. Things that lead to resentment are usually small things that can be dealt with easily. Once you deal with resentment, make a vow to each other to share your problems, hurts, and concerns with each other.^{[7]XResearch source}
- This allows you and your spouse to deal with a small problem before it starts to ruin the relationship.
2
Prioritize your marriage. Sometimes, resentment comes from not spending enough time together. Life can get hectic, especially when you have kids and demanding careers. To help minimize the resentment and keep it from occurring in the future, you and your spouse need to focus on making your marriage a priority.
- For example, take one night a week to have a date. You may choose to go out to dinner and movie, have someone watch the kids while you eat dinner together at home, or just curl up on the couch and watch television together.
- Spend a few minutes each day talking to one another. Ask about each other’s days and listen while your spouse talks. Make sure to put up all electronic devices when this happens and just focus on each other.
3
Identify your resentment triggers. As you are dealing with your resentment, you should figure out what things cause you to start to feel resentment. This could be feeling hungry, upset, lonely, tired, or stressed out. If you feel these things, you can acknowledge these feelings and then let them go.
- You might also have triggers about things that your spouse does. This might be certain phrases that your spouse utters, actions your spouse does, things they forget, or ways they treat you.
- It would be helpful if you and your spouse worked to identify your own triggers. You could then work on them one by one.
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Expert Q&A

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Question
What does it mean to be resentful of someone?
Klare Heston, LCSW
Licensed Social Worker
Klare Heston is a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker based in Cleveland, Ohio. With experience in academic counseling and clinical supervision, Klare received her Master of Social Work from the Virginia Commonwealth University in 1983. She also holds a 2-Year Post-Graduate Certificate from the Gestalt Institute of Cleveland, as well as certification in Family Therapy, Supervision, Mediation, and Trauma Recovery and Treatment (EMDR).
Klare Heston, LCSW
Licensed Social Worker
Expert Answer
To be resentful of someone refers to how one feels toward a person who hurt or mistreated them in the past. There is an inability to either process the problem or move beyond it.
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Question
What does resent mean in a relationship?
Klare Heston, LCSW
Licensed Social Worker
Klare Heston is a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker based in Cleveland, Ohio. With experience in academic counseling and clinical supervision, Klare received her Master of Social Work from the Virginia Commonwealth University in 1983. She also holds a 2-Year Post-Graduate Certificate from the Gestalt Institute of Cleveland, as well as certification in Family Therapy, Supervision, Mediation, and Trauma Recovery and Treatment (EMDR).
Klare Heston, LCSW
Licensed Social Worker
Expert Answer
Resentment in a relationship is an impasse stemming from a past sense of wrongdoing from the other person. It prevents open and flowing communication in other areas having nothing to do with the original problem.
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Question
What is the cause of resentment?
Klare Heston, LCSW
Licensed Social Worker
Klare Heston is a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker based in Cleveland, Ohio. With experience in academic counseling and clinical supervision, Klare received her Master of Social Work from the Virginia Commonwealth University in 1983. She also holds a 2-Year Post-Graduate Certificate from the Gestalt Institute of Cleveland, as well as certification in Family Therapy, Supervision, Mediation, and Trauma Recovery and Treatment (EMDR).
Klare Heston, LCSW
Licensed Social Worker
Expert Answer
Resentment is often caused by a lingering reaction to a perceived past injustice or mistreatment by someone. It can often have a public component (being witnessed by others).
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