How to Deal with Perfectionists

Perfectionists focus on the details to make sure everything is just right. Working or living with one can be challenging if they hold you to their high standards. By telling them their strengths and letting them know how their attitude affects you, you can handle any perfectionist.

Method 1

Method 1 of 4:

Working with Perfectionists

1
Make compromises with the perfectionist instead of arguing with them. Talk about how you value the perfectionist and work together to find solutions that fit both of your personalities. It may mean finding an alternative solution to a problem or switching the roles you currently have.^{[1]XResearch source} Here are some examples of things you could say:
- “How about we move on to the next task, and we’ll brainstorm other ways to work on the last one?”
- "I feel like this looks really good already. I think we should move on, so we have time to do all our other tasks. We can put finishing touches on this one if we have the time."
2
Let the perfectionist know how their attitude affects you. Use a calm and gentle tone so it doesn’t sound like you’re attacking them. Tell the perfectionist that you’re doing your best and give them examples of how trying to be perfect is problematic for you.^{[2]XResearch source} Here are some examples:
- “The standards that you hold me to are causing me a lot of stress and I’m not able to accomplish my goals as a result.”
- "You may not realize it, but your high standards are causing some friction in the team. Please remember to compliment their work and encourage them too, instead of only pointing out the flaws in what they've done."
- "I've noticed that you sometimes stay up late trying to perfect a project and come to work tired the next day. I'd rather have a good-but-imperfect project and a productive employee, than have a perfect project and an employee who is too tired to work well the next day. Please try to leave the office by 6:00 so you can get some rest."
3
Ask for specific parameters for what they want you to accomplish. Talk to the perfectionist about their expectations for you so you know exactly want you need to do. Use direct and detailed questions to get a full understanding of the task. As long as you follow along with what they tell you, they’re less likely to be upset or criticize your work.^{[3]XTrustworthy SourceHarvard Business ReviewOnline and print journal covering topics related to business management practicesGo to source}
- Talk about the starting point, end goal and whether there are any restrictions. This will help to define what you should be working on.
4
Stand your ground on issues that are important to you. Be respectful, not argumentative, when discussing your point of view. State the facts you know for the task at hand, rather than criticizing the perfectionist’s way of thinking. If they still do not agree or change their position, move on or talk to a supervisor.^{[4]XResearch source}
- Remember everyone has a different perspective and way of approaching problems. Start by saying, “I respect what you’re saying, but I think we may be looking at it from different perspectives.”
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Method 2

Method 2 of 4:

Managing Perfectionists

1
Give the perfectionist a focused, detail-oriented project. Play to the perfectionist’s strengths by finding work that requires them to be thorough. If you can’t give them new projects, assign deadlines for their current task to keep them on track with what needs to get done.^{[5]XResearch source}
- Larger projects with a lot of variation can be difficult for a perfectionist to complete on time.
2
Identify what matters most in their work. Give the perfectionist a small number of priorities so they can give them their full attention. If you notice them focusing on trivial details that are less important, be explicit about what they should be working on in order to save time and effort. If you need to, make a compromise to work through any difficult areas.^{[6]XTrustworthy SourceHarvard Business ReviewOnline and print journal covering topics related to business management practicesGo to source}
- Making a perfectionist self-aware of what they need to accomplish can help them notice what they spend too much time on.
3
Praise the perfectionist for their achievements before any criticism. Perfectionists tend to only hear the negatives when you give them feedback. Let them know you appreciate what they do before offering any other feedback. This helps them to see the positive side of the work they’ve done.^{[7]XTrustworthy SourceHarvard Business ReviewOnline and print journal covering topics related to business management practicesGo to source}
- For example, you may say: “I appreciate how focused and determined you are to solve this problem. For now, let’s move on for now and think of an alternative solution later.”
- Ask the perfectionist what kind of feedback they want so that you can tailor it to their needs.
4
Delegate responsibilities between the perfectionist and others. Perfectionists will try to complete all the work themselves so that it’s done correctly, but this results in problems with time management. Work with your perfectionist to get them to divide the tasks between multiple people. This can help them to focus on specific parts of the work, rather than the whole thing.^{[8]XResearch source}
- Pair the perfectionist with someone less detail-oriented, so that they balance each other out and spend less time on details that aren’t as important.
- Make sure perfectionists do not micromanage the others working on the project, or the other workers will not learn or grow from the task as much.
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Method 3

Method 3 of 4:

Giving Perfectionists Criticism

1
Recognize the perfectionist’s achievements and efforts. Praise the perfectionist for what they were able to accomplish and give at least 2 compliments before any form of criticism. This will help them take feedback better and make them feel appreciated for the work they’ve accomplished.^{[9]XTrustworthy SourceHarvard Business ReviewOnline and print journal covering topics related to business management practicesGo to source}
- Even a short email or off-the-cuff comment can make a perfectionist feel valued.
2
Ask them what they think they could do better before giving any criticism. Perfectionists tend to focus on the negative aspects of the feedback they receive. By asking them what they want feedback on, you give them the opportunity to explain what they see as problematic in their own eyes. Tailor your feedback to what they’re looking for to keep them from thinking they need to redo more than is necessary.^{[10]XTrustworthy SourceHarvard Business ReviewOnline and print journal covering topics related to business management practicesGo to source}
- Fluff up any criticism rather than being direct, as this could upset the perfectionist. Use a gentle tone, but be clear on what needs improvement.
3
Try de-personalizing the criticism. Some perfectionists tend to beat themselves up over every mistake. You can help by making their mistakes sound very normal and understandable, to make feedback sound less like personal criticism. Here are some examples of things you can do.
- Tell them that the mistake is very normal. For example, "I've noticed that a lot of students struggle with this" or "This is a very common beginner mistake, and it's easy to fix."
- Describe the error, without criticizing them. "This part is too detailed" is better than "You are too wordy."
4
Be specific and solution-oriented. Let them know how they can improve the project. A constructive approach helps them focus on how they can make the project better. Giving details of what you want helps them better understand what they need to work on.^{[11]XTrustworthy SourceHarvard Business ReviewOnline and print journal covering topics related to business management practicesGo to source}
- "The bullet points on slide 5 are a little long. Try breaking them up or condensing them into shorter sentences."
- "I think some diagrams would help make the report clearer. Would you be willing to add some?"
- "The black and white color scheme looks a little dull. Livening it up with some color might help."
- "You use a lot of long words here. I don't think that a layperson would be able to understand it. For the next draft, would you please use shorter words to enhance the clarity?"
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Method 4

Method 4 of 4:

Living with Perfectionists

1
Create specific roles and responsibilities around the house. Talk with the perfectionist about what responsibilities they’d like to have around the house. Discuss the chores that need to get done, room by room, and make it clear who’s responsible for each one. This will help prevent any arguments about household duties.^{[12]XResearch source}
- Decide how frequently you want the chores to get done, so that there’s no confusion or misunderstanding between you and the perfectionist.
- Make a physical chore chart if you need a visual reminder of what needs to get done.
2
Set boundaries for the perfectionist. Explain to your perfectionist that you don’t want to be instructed on how to get things done at home. Instead, let them know that you want to have your own space and guidelines in some areas of your home. Don’t let them be abusive or controlling.^{[13]XResearch source}
- For example, you can tell the perfectionist that you’ll try to meet their standards in shared spaces of your home, but you don’t need to follow their rules in your personal space.
3
Support them when they feel disappointed in themselves. Many perfectionists hold themselves to high standards. This can lead to them becoming deeply upset when they don't meet those standards. Try to model a healthy attitude and reassure them. Here are some examples of things you can say to a perfectionist who is mad at themselves:
- "You don't have to punish yourself for being human."
- "I know this is upsetting for you. If it helps, most of us didn't even notice."
- "This can be fixed."
- "Yes, this is significant, but beating yourself up won't help. Let's make a plan for how to handle this."
4
Model positive self-talk in front of a child with perfectionist tendencies. If they see you acting relaxed and forgiving about mistakes, it helps them learn to do the same. When they watch you make or observe a mistake, model the way you'd like them to react. Here are some examples of healthy things to say around a perfectionist child:
- "Oops! I spilled the milk all over! That's okay. I can clean it up."
- "What a silly spelling mistake I made! That looks so funny. Let me fix it."
- "I can't believe I forgot my water bottle! Well, I can work on remembering it next time."
- "I'm disappointed that I broke the plate, but it was an accident, and I know I can buy a new one."
5
Tell the perfectionist early on if a routine will be disrupted or changed. Many perfectionists maintain routines and rules they’ve set for themselves, so even a small disruption can throw them off. Give the perfectionist a week’s notice if you know something is going to change.^{[14]XResearch source}
- For example, if you have a friend spending a night or two at your place, tell the perfectionist as soon as you know. Tell the perfectionist where your guest is staying and how long they’ll be there. This gives the perfectionist time to adjust their schedule if they need to.
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Tips

Always be respectful when interacting with a perfectionist. Remember they just have a different point of view on what they need to get done.
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