How to Deal with Different Communication Styles in Marriage

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1What are the 4 types of communication styles in relationships?

2Encouraging a Passive Communicator

3Working with a Passive-Aggressive Speaker

4Handling an Aggressive Speaker

5Encouraging Assertive Behavior

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If it feels like talking to your spouse can be difficult, differing communication styles may be to blame. Your communication style determines how you approach conflict in conversation, and certain combinations can make it difficult to find a middle ground. Keep in mind that these are not innate, fixed qualities. A person’s communication style can change over the course of a single conversation, and many people are a mix of different styles depending on how they feel in the moment. Most people do generally lean towards one style of communication, though. In this article, we’ll cover some strategies you might use to deal with communicators who are passive, aggressive, and everything in between.

Steps

Question 1 of 5:

What are the 4 types of communication styles in relationships?

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   Passive—where you shy away from expressing yourself to avoid conflict. If this is you, conflict makes you uncomfortable so you avoid it whenever possible. Passive communicators may apologize even when they don’t think they were wrong, or deliberately guide a conversation away from an uncomfortable feeling. Since these feelings build up, passive communicators can be prone to massive outbursts when they’ve reached their boiling point.

   • This often takes the form of a long-term problem in a marriage. Since passive communicators rarely express their needs and wants, they may become resentful or depressive and act out in other ways.
   • This is also a problem for the non-passive partner, who may feel like they aren’t being reciprocated in conversation, or like their partner isn’t telling them the truth.
   • In a discussion on house chores, a passive communicator might say something like, “I’m sorry I didn’t do the dishes. I know I’m really bad at remembering to do them,” while averting their eyes.
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   Aggressive—where you advocate for yourself in an unhealthy way. Aggressive communicators are what they sound like—they’re aggressive. Someone opting for this kind of communication style is approaching a conversation like a competition, and they’ll criticize, humiliate, interrupt, or talk over the other person to get what they want.

   • At it’s absolute tamest, this can be insulting to deal with. At its worst, an aggressive communicator is being abusive.
   • Aggressive communicators will use a lot of “you” language when they talk about how they feel.
   • In the same house chores conversation, an aggressive communicator might say, “You always want me to do the dishes. Why don’t you do them for once? It’s not like you help out around here as much as I do anyway.”
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   Passive-aggressive—where you use subtle jabs to feel like you’re in control. If you’re being passive aggressive, you’re pretending like you’re being passive while indirectly insulting, undermining, or critiquing the other person. A passive-aggressive communicator will come off as hostile, uncaring, and rude, even if the words coming out of their mouth aren’t necessarily over the line.

   • People act passive-aggressively because they don’t feel powerful. It’s a defense mechanism. The problem here is that it makes authentic communication functionally impossible. If one person isn’t saying what they actually mean, it can make it extremely difficult for two people to solve anything.
   • A passive-aggressive communicator might say, “Oh, I know I didn’t do the dishes. You know, it’s so hard for me to remember when you remind me all the time. I guess I’m so forgetful it just slipped my mind, kind of the like the laundry you were supposed to do.”
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   Assertive—where you express yourself in a healthy, measured way. Assertive communicators express what themselves without infringing on the needs and wants of other people. They’re respectful, they listen carefully, and they compromise when it’s appropriate. Assertive communicators use clear language and try to build the self-esteem of others—even when they’re saying something they may not like.

   • Picture someone cutting in front of you at the grocery store. An assertive communicator might say, “Excuse me, but there’s actually a line here! It’s easy to miss, but the back of the line is over there.”
     • In contrast, a passive communicator might not say anything at all, while an aggressive communicator might say, “Hey. Buddy. What’s your problem?” A passive-aggressive response might look like, “Are you happy with your spot in the line?”
   • An assertive communicator might say, “You’re right, I should have done the dishes. I apologize for that, but please don’t snap at me for forgetting. It’s not the end of the world.”
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Question 2 of 5:

Encouraging a Passive Communicator

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   Your tone and energy matter a lot when it comes to dealing with a passive communicator. While it can be frustrating to talk to someone who seemingly refuses to say what they mean, do not get angry and give them plenty of space to work out what they want to say. If you do get frustrated, try to keep it to yourself or tell them in a way that doesn’t involve blaming them.

   • Smile a lot when you’re talking to a passive communicator, and nod when they speak to signal that you’re actively listening.
   • If you start getting angry at a passive communicator, they’re very likely to shut down and stop sharing.
   • Language choice matters a lot with a passive communicator. Always opt for the softer, kinder version of whatever you mean. For example, instead of saying, “It’s fine,” you might say, “It’s totally not a big deal.”
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   Encourage them to say what they actually feel. If you see them stutter, pause, or catch themselves, remind them that you really want to hear what they have to say, even if it may not be something you want to hear. The more encouragement they get, the more comfortable they’ll be standing up for themselves and sharing how they feel.

   • If you see them curbing their responses, use phrases like, “It’s okay, you can tell me,” and “I know it may not feel like it, but I really do want to know how you feel,” can go a long way.
   • It’s very important to not lash out if you encourage them to speak and you don’t like what they have to say. As hard as it may be, try to thank them for being honest about things that make you uncomfortable.
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   Take your time and don’t force them into responding. Passive communicators often need time and space to process what they’re feeling and put it into words. Their pace and tempo in a conversation likely differs a great deal from yours, but don’t push them to respond if they aren’t ready. They’ll just shut down. You need a good deal of patience with a passive communicator, but if you can give them that consistently over a period of time, they’ll learn to assert themselves.

   • Passive communicators can learn to express how they feel and what they need if you give them enough time and space to practice. They need to learn how it feels to communicate openly, and they need reassurance that nothing bad will happen when they share.
   • You might tell a passive spouse, “It’s okay to take a break here if you want to think about everything we’ve talked about,” or, “It’s alright if you don’t know what to say right now.”
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Question 3 of 5:

Working with a Passive-Aggressive Speaker

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   Keep your cool and don’t respond to sass with anger. It’s easy to get very angry when you’re talking to a passive-aggressive person, but responding with anger will just encourage them to double-down on the subtle behavior. Passive-aggressive people do what they do because they feel powerless, and your outward anger will just cause them to feel even less in control, like they’re in a fight.

   • An easy way to disarm passive aggressive behavior is to intentionally interpret their responses literally (when they aren’t meant to be taken that way). If they say “Oh, sure, I don’t want you to do the laundry,” you might reply, “Are you sure? I really don’t mind doing it.”
   • A lot of passive aggressive communicators aren’t even acting this way on purpose. They’re doing it because they don’t feel like they have agency. Getting angry at them will reinforce this feeling like they’re being punished for making choices.
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   Be straightforward and honest—avoid sarcasm and quick jabs. Do not fight fire with fire here. Avoid loaded language; be so straightforward and genuine that it’s impossible to interpret your language any other way. The more clarity you have in your communications, the more they’ll realize that their passive-aggressiveness doesn’t work.

   • For example, if they say, “You don’t want to actually hang out with me tonight, do you?” you might look them right in eye and say, “Honey, I absolutely want to hang out with you. I was hoping we could watch a movie together!”
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   Use the pronoun “we” frequently and frame things around the problem. In arguments, don’t let the conversation devolve into personal attacks and the blame game. Remind your spouse that you love them and try to orient the conversation to focus on any external element of the problem. This will alleviate the pressure they feel to wrangle control from you, and remind them to put their guard down to solve things.

   • For example, let’s say you and your spouse are arguing over household chores because they never clean up. Saying something like, “You never clean up,” will make them feel attacked and trigger more passive aggressive behavior.
   • However, saying something like, “I know you work hard to help! I’m not saying otherwise. But what can we do to keep our kitchen tidier?”
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Question 4 of 5:

Handling an Aggressive Speaker

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   Call out aggressive behavior as soon as it starts. You have two reasonable options when someone is aggressive—stand up to them, or disengage. If you want to stand up, you can put your foot down hard, or try a softer, friendlier approach. It really depends on your spouse and how they tend to react when someone sets boundaries. You shouldn’t let this kind of communication slide, though. The longer you let this go, the worse it tends to get.

   • For a softer call out, you might say, “Do you think it’s fair to talk to me like that? You’re really not making me feel loved right now, and I know you do.”
   • For a harder call out, you could try, “Hey. I will not put up with that kind of language or behavior. If you’re going to talk to me, you need to change your tune. I’m sorry you’re upset, but you can’t do that.”
   • Do not tolerate abusive behavior under any circumstance. If they’re screaming at the top of your lungs, threatening you, or degrading you, get some distance and find help.
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   Take frequent breaks to avoid letting things get out of hand. If you feel the aggression developing and bubbling up under the surface of the conversation, pause. Nobody says you need to finish the conversation you’re having right now. Create some distance for the two of you to calm down and then return when moods are improved. Aggressive communicators often cool off when they have some time and space to themselves.

   • There is absolutely nothing wrong with saying, “I’m not in the best headspace right now and I just want to get some air. I love you very much, but let me cool off for a few.”
   • Schedule your arguments! Literally pencil them in on your calendars. When people know they’re going to have a tough conversation, they have time to prepare mentally and emotionally.
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   Seek marriage counseling to fix aggressive cycles. It’s extremely hard for an aggressive communicator to actually change in the context of a marriage because they’re already viewing their partner as an opponent—which limits the partner’s options. A professional therapist or counselor will be able to work with the aggressive communicator to help them reframe the way they view their marriage and speak to their partner.>

   • This is especially key if you and your spouse are trapped in an aggressive cycle where their aggressive behavior triggers your aggressive behavior and vice versa. You two need a neutral third party to calm things down.
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Question 5 of 5:

Encouraging Assertive Behavior

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   Be an assertive communicator yourself. When one person in a relationship express themselves in a healthy, productive way, it encourages the other person to adopt that communication style. Studies have demonstrated that when one spouse asserts themselves (by expressing how they feel and explaining what they need), the other spouse is more likely to do the same.

   • Assertive communicators use “I” pronouns to avoid sending the message that they’re critiquing the other person. In other words, you wouldn’t say, “You don’t care about me,” you’d say, “I feel a little neglected.”
   • If you’re being assertive, you’re being honest and respectful. That means sharing harsh truths in a kind and nonconfrontational way. It also means you show them the love you feel for them when things are good!
   • Assertive communicators compromise. If there’s a middle ground to be found, do your best to meet your spouse there! Don’t draw hardline boundaries where they don’t belong.
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   Don’t get defensive when they share negative feelings or say no. Assertive people don’t keep quiet when something upsets them. If your spouse shares something they’re annoyed or upset by, don’t lash out. Tell them you appreciate the honesty and do your best to work with them towards a solution. If you did something wrong, apologize. If you didn’t, share your perspective respectfully.

   • By showing that you won’t react negatively when your partner asserts themselves, you encourage them to continue doing that in the future.
   • When it comes to hearing things you don’t want to hear, remember—what’s the alternative? Your spouse just doesn’t tell you when they’re upset? It can really hurt to hear unpleasant truths, but it’s better than pretending they don’t exist.
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Expert Q&A

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• Question

  How do you respond to a passive-aggressive person?

  

  Catherine Boswell, PhD
  Licensed Psychologist

  Dr. Catherine Boswell is a Licensed Psychologist and a Co-Founder of Psynergy Psychological Associates, a private therapy practice based in Houston, Texas. With over 15 years of experience, Dr. Boswell specializes in treating individuals, groups, couples, and families struggling with trauma, relationships, grief, and chronic pain. She holds a Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology from the University of Houston. Dr. Bowell has taught courses to Master’s level students at the University of Houston. She is also an author, speaker, and coach.

  

  Catherine Boswell, PhD

  Licensed Psychologist

  Expert Answer

  When you are on the receiving end of passive-aggressiveness the tendency is often to be on the defensive. It is best to practice responding in a non-confrontational way, which you can do by actively imagining, or journaling through, the blind-siding insult and your non-aggressive response. With your less emotional and calmer demeanor, you can better acknowledge the insult and then set a boundary by being assertive but not aggressive.

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