How to Deal with Attention Seekers

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1Handle Attention-Seeking Adults in Your Personal Life

2Cope with Attention Seekers at Work

3React to an Attention-Seeking Child

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Expert Q&A

Tips and Warnings

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It can be exhausting to deal with someone who is constantly seeking attention. Whether you have a friend who regularly demands your attention or a child who acts out to get noticed, there are some things you can do to handle attention seekers as a way to preserve your sanity. You can try to build them up to boost their self-esteem, for example. Most importantly, make sure to set personal boundaries and stick to them. It’s important that you don’t spend all of your energy reinforcing what you see as negative behavior.

Steps

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Handle Attention-Seeking Adults in Your Personal Life

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   Introduce needy friends to self-sufficient role models. Maybe you have a friend who complains a lot or likes to make controversial statements to grab your attention. Even if you like this person, it can be tough to deal with this type of negativity. Try introducing them to other friends in your circle who have different characteristics. Hopefully, the needy friend will start to model the behavior of others.

   • For example, if your friend regularly complains loudly about work, try taking them out to dinner with some of your fun-loving friends. If the group keeps the topic light and doesn’t dwell on work, hopefully, the attention-seeking friend will pick up on those social cues and do the same.
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   Offer them advice on how to handle things themselves. One common type of attention-seeking behavior is to ask friends or family for help. That might mean advice, helping with chores, or loaning money. If you know someone who regularly does this, try offering them some advice. Make the advice clear and applicable, but avoid sounding judgemental.

   • You could say to your sister, “It seems like you’re asking me for a lot of help with your homework lately. How about I help you set up a study schedule so that you’re not always feeling stressed at the last minute?”
   • If you have a friend who asks to borrow money, try saying, “It seems like you’re strapped for cash lately. That must be stressful. I know my neighbor is looking for someone to babysit their kids. That could be a great way to make a little extra money. Do you want me to put in a good word for you?”
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   Set boundaries so you don’t exhaust yourself. Dealing with an attention-seeker can be draining. If you feel like you’re not getting much out of the relationship, try to exert some control over how you interact with them. You can set boundaries that you keep to yourself, or you can share them with the other person.

   • You might promise yourself that if the other person starts texting you constantly, you will not feel like you have to reply to each text. That’s a bargain you can make with yourself.
   • If you think it will help, share your boundaries with the other person. You could say, “I notice that you’re making some really provocative comments lately on your social media accounts. I really don’t feel comfortable talking about those things, so please don’t bring them up when we hang out.”
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   Take time away from the person if you are drained. Your original boundaries might not be sufficient. If the other person is really stressing you out, it’s okay to take a break from them. You can say, “I feel like we haven’t been having much fun together lately. I’m going to take a little space for myself and I won’t be able to meet you for Saturday morning coffee for a while.”
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   Have an open, honest conversation about your feelings. It’s entirely possible that the other person doesn’t realize that their behavior has been bothering you. Take the time to talk about your feelings. Make sure to give them a chance to respond so that you have a productive dialogue.

   • You could say to your partner, “It seems like you’ve been needing a lot more time from me lately. I feel like I have less time to pursue my own interests. Is there something going on that you’d like to talk about?”
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Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Cope with Attention Seekers at Work

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   Offer compliments to keep them calm. You might have a co-worker who regularly disrupts the workplace. Maybe they yell if they get angry or regularly cry if they feel criticized. If you feel like they’re doing this for attention, try to head them off with positivity and compliments.

   • If your co-worker was told to improve their sales, you can pull them aside and say, “That must have stung a little bit. You’ve obviously put in a lot of effort this quarter!”
   • Building them up might keep them from seeking attention with negative behavior.
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   Be honest about their behavior, but couple it with praise. Your co-worker might not realize how unprofessional their behavior is. If you simply criticize them, they might become defensive. Approach them with tact and couple your feedback with some compliments.

   • You could say, “Look, I know that it’s really hard to be criticized during team meetings. But getting angry and yelling isn’t helpful. In fact, it’s really uncomfortable for everyone. You’re a strong person. Maybe you could find a way to release your emotions after work instead of responding in the moment.”
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   Take ownership of your work so they can’t claim the credit. Another common attention-seeking behavior is to try to claim credit for other people’s work. If this is happening to you, you’re likely pretty frustrated. Handle the behavior by making it clear that you did the work. Speak up for yourself when necessary.

   • If you recently led a team project, speak up if your co-worker tries to make it seem like they were the leader. You can politely but firmly say, “Actually, the new marketing campaign was my idea. I can show you the minutes from our meeting or the emails where I outlined my ideas.”
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   Firmly say you don’t have time to talk if their behavior is distracting. If someone at work takes up all of your time with complaints or bragging, it’s okay to let them know that you are not available. You can simply say, “I’m really busy right now. I’m sorry, but I don’t have time to talk.”
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Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

React to an Attention-Seeking Child

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   Think about why your child is looking for attention. It can be easy to get frustrated or annoyed when your child demands a ton of extra attention. But a lot of times, kids have good reasons for requiring some extra attention. Remember that they just might not have the right tools to communicate those needs. Take their circumstances into consideration before you decide how to react.

   • For example, your child might be feeling neglected if you recently had another child. Of course, the new baby requires a lot of attention. But this is a good reason to make sure that you schedule plenty of one-on-one time for you and your older child.
   • Other times it might not be obvious why your child is acting out. Take some time to try to figure out the reason and then respond accordingly. You can say, “I’ve noticed you’ve seemed kind of sad lately, and you're expressing that by pouting. How’s everything at school? Are you getting along okay with the other kids?”
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   Build your child’s self-confidence with words and actions. Sometimes kids act out when they are feeling insecure. Instead of getting mad, use positivity to make your child feel better. You can say, “I know you’re upset that your team lost the soccer game, but I’m so proud of you for scoring that goal. Your hard work is really paying off!”

   • You can offer compliments randomly, too. Try, “Hey, I noticed that you’ve been really kind to your little sister lately. Thank you so much! I appreciate you.”
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   Ignore the misbehavior but not the child. Don’t reinforce the negative behavior by paying attention to it. It might sound tricky, but pay attention to your child while ignoring their behavior. This is hard to do if you’re stressed, but you’ll get the hang of it with some practice.

   • If your young child is throwing a tantrum, don’t comment on it. Instead of saying, “Why are you crying?” or “Stop that!”, try, “Hey, I have some time right now. Do you want to walk the dog with me?”
   • This way, you’re giving the child the attention that they won’t see it as a reward for their negative behavior.
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   Devote more time to your child. If your child is seeking more attention, they likely need it. They’re not doing it just to annoy you. Make a point to do more things with your child. For example, instead of sending them off to do homework, ask them to hang out with you while you cook dinner.
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   Give your child independence so they can entertain themselves. Obviously, you can’t be with your child all of the time. You’re busy! Give your child the tools they need to feel comfortable spending time by themselves. Gradually, they’ll act less needy.

   • Instead of saying, “I’m busy, please leave me alone”, give your child a task and some directions. You can say, “I’ve really been enjoying reading with you before bed. Why don’t you go and organize your books? You can look through them and make a pile of the ones we should read next week.” Your child will not feel like you brushed them off, and they will get used to spending time on their own.
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   Stick to your boundaries to help your child grow. Sometimes you’ll need to be firm with your child. You can give them attention, but make sure they know that acting out isn’t okay. If they don’t respond to your positive reinforcement, outline some clear lines that they can’t cross.

   • Try saying, “I understand that you get frustrated. But it’s not okay to take your anger out on the dog. If I see you yell at Lucky again, you’re going to have to sit in time-out.”
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Expert Q&A

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• Question

  What happens when you ignore an attention seeker?

  

  Maggie Mitchell
  Life Coach

  Maggie Mitchell is a Life Coach and the Owner of InnerCoastal Coaching in Raleigh, North Carolina. With more than 15 years of experience, she specializes in helping individuals with communication, anxiety, stress, problem-solving, decision making, meditation, and healthy boundaries. Maggie holds an MS in Counseling Psychology from Gannon University and received her Executive Coach Certificate from The International Coaching Community (ICC).

  

  Maggie Mitchell

  Life Coach

  Expert Answer

  It surely can help. While interacting with attention seekers, remember that not all manners apply. Sometimes, it's ok to interrupt them to redirect the conversation or end a monologue. Just ignore what they're trying to say.

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Tips

• If you can’t avoid the attention-seeker, make sure that your own needs are still being met. Take time for self-care, such as going for a walk or watching a show you enjoy after you’re done with work.
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• Ask other caregivers to stick to the boundaries you’ve set for your child.
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