How to Deal with After Effects of Abuse

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parts

1Distancing Yourself from the Abuser

2Overcoming the Mental and Emotional Damage of Abuse

3Moving On To a Healthy Life

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Tips and Warnings

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References

Many people feel trapped in abusive relationships, whether those relationships entail physical abuse or emotional abuse. Others suffer abuse from strangers during acts of violence. Getting away from an abusive situation is the first step, but most people have a great deal of healing to do after leaving their abuser. If you or someone you know has suffered through abuse, counseling and therapy can help. Learning how to cope with the psychological effects of abuse can help you move on and pursue a normal, healthy life.

Steps

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Distancing Yourself from the Abuser

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   Get away from the abuser. If you haven't already, the first step to dealing with the after effects of abuse is to physically distance yourself from that person. You cannot move past an abusive relationship if you are still living with or regularly seeing your abuser.

   • If you are in an abusive relationship, your safety (and that of your kids, if you have any) should be your number one priority. Abusive partners often become violent when they are left by their victims.
   • If you are trying to escape from an abusive relative, like a parent or step-parent, talk to another relative whom you can trust. If you don't feel safe doing this, consider getting the police involved.
   • Recognize that it is not your responsibility to care for the abuser. Even if you are that person's only living relative, you are not obligated to remain in contact with them, and in fact, you should not attempt to do so.
   • Call the National Abuse Hotline for help formulating a safe plan to leave your abuser, whatever your relationship might be. The number in the U.S. is 800-799-SAFE, and in the UK it is 0808 2000 247.
   • If your abuser threatens you with physical harm, or if they've assaulted you in the past, contact the police so you can escape. They can issue a restraining order or ensure that you are able to safely leave the abuser's home if you were previously living together.
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   Cut off all contact with the abuser. Some people try to stay friends with their ex-partners or abusive family members, but this is simply not an option if the individual was abusive. You should not try to remain friends, and you should actively avoid any contact with that individual.

   • Unfriend or unfollow that individual on social media platforms. You can also block that individual so that they cannot contact you or see anything that you share.
   • Resist the urge to check that individual's social media. You may have moments of fondness for your abuser if you had a past relationship, but you need to be strong and cut that person out of your life entirely.
   • Avoid social situations where your abuser might be. For example, if you share a mutual friend, ask that friend in advance if your abuser will be at a party or social event.
   • Seek comfort and protection from a trusted friend or relative to help you get through this difficult time. Friends and relatives can provide a sympathetic ear, they can help keep you safe, and they can keep you from reaching out to your abuser if you miss that person.
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   Protect yourself if you cannot cut ties. In some situations, it is impossible to completely cut ties with an abuser. You might share custody of children, for instance. The abuse you suffered may have been verbal, which makes it harder to get complete custody of your children.

   • If this is the case, have very firm boundaries with the abuser. Refuse to engage with them on any but the most necessary grounds. Don't let them use their ties with you as an excuse to engage in abuse.
   • Use a mediator if any communication with the abuser devolves into abuse.
   • For instance, if you are sharing information about the children over the phone, and your ex begins to berate you, hang up. Send an email instead, and lead it by saying you will not discuss anything other than the children.
   • Refuse to speak to them if they are making personal remarks, yelling, cursing, or intoxicated.
   • Do not enforce any rules the abuser sets if you do not agree with them.
   • Show your children that you will not tolerate abuse, so that they know to build those boundaries for themselves.
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   See yourself as a survivor. When you first cut off ties with your abuser, you may consider yourself a victim of abuse. As time passes, it's important to realize that you are a survivor. Though it may sound like a simple difference in phrasing, being a survivor acknowledges that you were a victim who overcame the hardships that follow in the wake of abuse.

   • Congratulate yourself for cutting off all ties with your abuser. It can be very difficult for some people, but once that person is out of your life you can feel good about your strength and determination.
   • Remember that you were an advocate for yourself, and that advocacy helped you become stronger and more secure.
   • Recognize that being a survivor took bravery and hard work. You should acknowledge your own efforts and praise yourself for getting through it.
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Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Overcoming the Mental and Emotional Damage of Abuse

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   Seek professional help. A mental health professional can help if you're suffering from any kind of emotional trauma. There are many options available for individuals working through abuse trauma. You can find therapists and support groups online, or by asking your doctor for a referral.

   • Seeing a therapist will help you work through any anxiety, depression, or PTSD you may be suffering from.
   • A therapist can also provide prescription medications that will help you cope with the psychological and emotional fallout of abuse.
   • Support groups may be helpful as you transition into a normal, healthy life. Knowing that others have gone through similar things and survived can give you hope and make you feel less alone.
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   Identify normal emotional after effects of abuse. People who experience abuse often experience certain emotional effects after the abuse is over. Keep in mind that these effects are normal. Some things that you might experience include:

   • Depression.
   • Difficulty sleeping.
   • Substance abuse.
   • Withdrawal.
   • Not being able to trust people.
   • Feeling dependent on the abuser.
   • Thoughts of suicide or of hurting yourself.
   • Low self-esteem and self-worth.
   • Feeling trapped.
   • Loneliness.
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   Process your emotions. In the aftermath of abuse, you may feel many different, often conflicting emotions. Let yourself feel all the raw emotions you may have bottled up over the weeks, months, or years. Work through these with a therapist so you're not confronting your problems alone.

   • Acknowledge the way(s) you feel about your abuser. At times you may feel compassion, anger or resentment, or both.
   • You will probably experience a series of emotions. Try to accept them all as valid without clinging to them, judging them, or believing them.
   • Remember that the abuse was not your fault, any more than you would consider it your fault if you got T-boned in a car crash.
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   Avoid substance abuse. Many people use substances as a crutch during tumultuous times. However, this can quickly lead to dependence and addiction. It also prevents you from actually dealing with your feelings and processing your emotions.

   • Don't drink or do drugs as you work through your feelings. Though it may seem like a tempting way to cope with your problems, it is actually avoidance and will only make your situation work.
   • Avoid situations where drugs or alcohol will be consumed. For example, resist the urge to join friends at a bar, and instead ask if you can meet for coffee or go to the park together.
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   Spend time caring for yourself. If you've been abused by someone over a long period of time, you may have forgotten who you used to be, or your potential to grow and develop may have been suppressed. Get to know yourself a little more and allow yourself to explore any new interests you might develop.

   • Spend time doing things that you love. Whether it's traveling, visiting friends, going out, or finding your own employment, learn to be autonomous and find fulfillment in your own life.
   • You can also take up hobbies, crafts, or artistic and academic pursuits to see if you find satisfaction in something new. Take a craft class or join a crafting group in your community, or enroll in an interesting course at your local community college.
   • Setting up a stable routine can help you settle into a state of normalcy and safety.
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   Let go of shame. Shame is a normal emotion after you have experienced abuse. However, this emotion can have far-reaching negative effects. It can make you want to withdraw from people and change the way that you feel about yourself. To let go of shame, you will need to identify the source, identify the way it affects you, and actively work to change these thoughts.

   • Letting go of shame is a complex process, so make sure that you work with a therapist to accomplish this.
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Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Moving On To a Healthy Life

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   Stop blaming yourself. Many survivors of abuse see themselves as being somehow complicit. They may make up excuses for their abusers, believing that they somehow brought the abuse on themselves. However, it's important to remember that no one is to blame except the person who committed the abusive acts.

   • Learn to forgive yourself - not for anything you did or didn't do correctly, but for putting up with your abuser for as long as you did.
   • Recognize that you were or are vulnerable and that you may have wanted to believe that your abuser was a better person who could change. This is not a flaw of yours, but of your abuser, who was incapable or unwilling to change.
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   Build a normal routine. It may seem impossible when you first cut off ties with your abuser, but eventually you can and will live a normal, healthy life once again. This may take time and practice, but finding a sense of normalcy is a crucial part of the healing process.

   • Find a healthy, productive routine for your day-to-day life. Having patterns and routines can help you feel a sense or normalcy and predictability, which is important after suffering through trauma.
   • Spend time with friends or relatives you trust on a regular basis. Whether you make this a daily routine or schedule time with friends periodically throughout the week, be sure you make it a regular practice.
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   Take time to be single. If you're working through trauma caused by an abusive ex-partner, rushing into a new relationship, or "rebounding," can be very damaging. You may have had your sense of self altered by your abuser, and it takes time to return to your true self. How much time you need to be alone will vary from one person to the next. Some people may need as much as a year of being single, while others can heal much quicker.

   • Don't rush into dating or beginning a new relationship. Take time to be alone so you can heal and rebuild your autonomous sense of self.
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   Try casual, short-term dating when ready. Once you've spent some time healing yourself alone after leaving an abusive ex-partner, you may feel ready to try your hand at dating again. However, it's best to start out by dating casually with few or no expectations. This type of low-stakes, short-term dating can help you regain your sense of confidence and figure out what you want from a potential partner when you're finally stable in your own life.

   • Rushing into a serious relationship too quickly leaves you vulnerable and reliant on others. This can easily lead to you inadvertently entering another abusive relationship.
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   Know that there are trustworthy people. If you've suffered through someone else's abuse, no matter what your relationship was with that person, you may be feeling mistrustful of others. While this reaction may help you avoid potentially abusive situations in the weeks or months after cutting off ties with your abuser, it is important to learn to trust again. Not everyone is mean or abusive, and in fact, some genuinely kind people may want to get to know you better.

   • Being perpetually mistrustful of everyone you meet can quickly leave you isolated and lonely. Feeling lonely can potentially lead you back into an abusive relationship, and being mistrustful prevents you from meeting new friends or partners.
   • Being too trusting can also lead to problems, though, as you may end up with another abusive individual in your life.
   • The best approach is to see each person you meet as an individual who is capable of good things or bad things, and be on the lookout for red flags that might signal abusive behavior.
   • Learn to trust others again by spending time with close friends and relatives. These are people you already trust, and being around them may help you regain a sense of comfort and hope.
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   Watch for signs of victim mentality and work to empower yourself. Having a victim mentality may also be an after-effect of abuse, but there are things that you can do to change this. Some things that you might experience if you have develop a victim mentality include:

   • Feeling unworthy of nice things.
   • Feeling hopeless.
   • Getting overwhelmed by thoughts of the past.
   • Feeling like other people are better than you.
   • Putting your needs last.
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Warnings

• Abusive individuals almost never change their behavior. Keeping an abusive person in your life will only delay the healing process, as you will continue to suffer emotional and/or physical abuse.
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• If someone has hurt you or threatened to do so, call the police immediately.
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• If you suspect that your abuser is currently abusing someone else, like a child with whom you share custody, contact the authorities. You can either call the police or reach out to your local Child Protective Services office.
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