How to Deal With People Who Treat You Like a Child

Learn to stand up for yourself with this simple guide

If you feel like you're being treated like a child by your family, you're not alone, whether you're an adult or a teenager. You may also experience your boss, co-workers, or acquaintances being patronizing to you, or you may find yourself meeting condescending people in public. Often, you just need to confront the person, though, in some cases, it may be best just to let it go.

Part 1

Part 1 of 4:

Dealing With Family Members as an Adult

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1
Discuss the issue. Some family members may not even realize they're still treating you like a child. It's hard for older adults in your family to let go of the thought of you being "little girl" or "little boy," even if you're well into adulthood. Therefore, you need to broach the topic with them and help them understand what you're feeling.^{[1]XResearch source}
- Start with your feelings. That is, use an "I" statement to describe how you're feeling instead of a "you" statement that puts the blame on them. Blaming someone will put them on the defense. For instance, don't say, " You always treat me like a little kid." Instead, say "I feel upset when you still treat me like a child. I've grown up."
- Be specific by talking about particular statements or behaviors that bother you. For example, you could say, "I love that you help with the kids, but I don't like when you contradict the rules that I've made." You could also say, "I respect your rules when I'm in your house, but I don't like being asked where I am every second of every day."
- Ask what their concerns are for you. For instance, if someone is criticizing you, try saying, "What is it you want to help me learn?"^{[2]XExpert SourcePeggy Rios, PhD
  Counseling Psychologist (Florida)Expert Interview. 18 December 2020.}
2
Be upfront about what you want. If you're telling your mom a story, tell her what you expect from her upfront. For instance, if you're just telling her the story to give her information and you don't really want advice, let her know that.^{[3]XResearch source}
- You could say, "Mom, I need to tell you something, but I want you to promise me that you won't offer your judgment at the end. I feel like you need to know this information, but I don't want advice on my choices."
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3
Focus on the relationship. That is, often in communication, people are trying to maintain control. It's a power struggle. Often, this type of communication pops up between a parent and an adult child, or even another type of relationship, such as an aunt and niece or nephew. The "adult" still wants to control the adult child, even if that person doesn't realize it. If you're the adult child, you may want to struggle to "win" in this situation. However, often letting go of the power struggle can lead to a healthier relationship.^{[4]XResearch source}
- This type of power struggle can make people defensive. You probably feel defensive when another adult in your family, whether it be a parent, aunt, guardian, or grandparent, does it to you. However, by truly listening and letting go of the power struggle, you can cut through some of that defensiveness and both parties can feel more heard and valued.
4
Set boundaries. Sometimes, parents and other family members have trouble respecting boundaries because they still see you as a little kid they have a right to rule over. In that case, you need to politely but firmly set boundaries with them because you have your own life now.^{[5]XResearch source}
- For instance, say your parents tend to just show up at your house unannounced. You could say, "We love having you here, but we'd appreciate it if you gave us some advanced notice. Sometimes, we have our family time planned, and we need that time to strengthen and grow together."
- Another way you could address an issue is to say, "I understand that you are concerned about when we're having children. However, it may be some time before we decide to do so. I will definitely let you know when we're thinking about it. Until then, I would appreciate it if you stop asking about it."

Part 2

Part 2 of 4:

Dealing With Family Members and Guardians as a Minor

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1
Open the lines of communication. Often, parents, guardians, and other adults still treat teens like kids because they can't see how you've matured. One sign of maturity is being honest with your family members, both about big and small things.
- Partly, that means that you are upfront about things. Don't lie by saying you're going to the library when you're going to your friend's house. Don't fib about how much homework you have. Every lie, no matter how small, cuts down on how much your parents trust you.
- It also means opening up about your life. If you can talk about what you're thinking and feeling with your parents, that can help them see how you've matured and what your priorities are.
2
Talk to the adults in your life about trust. If you're growing up, that means you can have an honest talk about trust. If you feel like your parents or other adults who are responsible for you don't trust you, it's a good time to ask them why they don't trust you or if you did something to break their trust.^{[6]XResearch source}
- Ask the person or persons for a good time to talk. When you sit down, just get it out in the open. Say something like, "Sometimes, I feel like you don't trust me. I've grown up a lot in the last few years, and I feel like you still think I'm a little kid."
- Ask what you can do to earn their trust. They may have specific guidelines you need to follow before they really trust you.
3
Follow the rules. If you act like a little kid, they'll treat you like a little kid. Kids break the rules. Adults are mature enough to respect their parents' or guardians' wishes and rules when living in their house.^{[7]XResearch source}
- For instance, when you have a curfew, make sure to be home on time.
- Make sure to do what chores they've laid out for you and your homework. If you want to be treated older, you need to realize that comes with responsibilities.
4
Show you're responsible. Another way to prove to the adults in your family that you're mature is to show how responsible you are. Being responsible means doing what you say you're going to do when you say you're going to do it. It means the adults in your family can depend on you to be as good as what you promise.^{[8]XResearch source}
- Make sure you follow through when you say you're going to do something.
- It can also help to take on responsibilities without being asked. Do the dishes without your mother nagging you, mow the lawn before your dad has a chance to, get your homework done, brush your teeth and shower without being asked, and take any medications or vitamins on time.
- This will help show your parents that you'll be able to be responsible for yourself once you're on your own, which may help them stop treating you like a child.^{[9]XExpert SourcePeggy Rios, PhD
  Counseling Psychologist (Florida)Expert Interview. 18 December 2020.}
The reasoning behind this step may not seem so obvious. Your friends are your friends, right? Well, not always. When you pick friends that are a bad influence, such as ones who don't like school, are into drugs, or just mad at the world, your parents and family notice. Your friends have a big influence on you, so when you choose friends who aren't as mature, it can bring you down. Your family knows that, and they may treat you more as a kid when you're exhibiting this behavior.^{[10]XResearch source}
6
Try not to be overly dramatic. When you cry and scream, that tells your family members and guardians you're not ready to be treated as a young adult. An adult can sit down and have a reasonable conversation. Of course, everyone gets upset sometimes. However, when you get upset, you need to learn how to calm yourself down and have an even conversation with the person you're upset with.
- Sometimes, just taking a break can help calm you down. If you feel yourself getting angry, ask the person you're talking to if you can take a few minutes for yourself to calm down before you move on with the conversation.
- You can also channel your feelings. Put those feelings into your art or writing instead of into yelling at other people.
7
Apologize when you're in the wrong. Apologizing is hard for everyone. No one likes to admit they've been in the wrong. However, when you've broken someone's trust, such as your parents' trust, it's important to apologize to them of your own free will. Apologizing goes a long way to rebuilding bridges and showing that you've matured.
- Start by acknowledging what you did wrong. "I know going out last night without your permission was wrong. I know you just worry about me and want to be safe."
- Apologize without trying to explain away your actions. For instance, say "I'm sorry for doing that." NOT "I'm sorry for doing that, but I was just so mad you wouldn't let me go to the party."
- Be sincere. People know when you're not being sincere. Make sure you can be sincere when you offer your apology.

Part 3

Part 3 of 4:

Dealing With Co-Workers and Acquaintances

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1
Hear what the person is saying. Some people are just condescending. They don't necessarily mean to be, but it may come across to you like they're treating you like a child or a novice in the field. One way to combat this type of person is to actually listen to what they're saying, as well as listen to what's under the words.^{[11]XResearch source}
- Listening to what the other person is trying to convey and then helping them know that you've truly heard that can open the door to more fruitful conversations.
- One way you can show you're listening is to ask insightful questions that are relevant to what the other person is saying.
- You can also nod and use your body language to show you are hearing what the other person is saying.
2
Remember it's often not about you. In many cases, any advice they may be giving you or the way they treat you may be about them. In other words, the things they say to you in a patronizing tone are really meant for themselves.^{[12]XResearch source}
- When you find you're being treated like a child, try to take a step back. Take a deep breath and ask yourself if what they're saying has some merit or if it's more about the other person's strengths and weaknesses.
3
Give them the benefit of the doubt. Sometimes, tone is hard to convey, especially in an email or text message. If you feel like someone is being condescending, consider whether it could be taken another way. If it can, maybe let it slide this time.^{[13]XResearch source}
- Try to push for communication in person. That way, you're less likely to misinterpret the person's tone.
4
Call the person out. At work, this step can be tricky, but if the person you're communicating with is generally amenable, you can give it a try. The person may not even be aware that they are doing it, so calling them out gives them a chance to fix their actions.
- Be polite and unemotional. Address what you think the issue is without trying to blame the other person.
- For example, you could say, "I appreciate you explaining that to me, but I already know how to do it."
- Another way you could confront the issue is to say, "I don't like wasting time, and since I already know how to do that, can we move on?" or "Thanks for the email. You've explained that to me in the past, so I understand perfectly."
5
Prove that you are capable. Another way to move past people who treat you like a child is to prove your maturity. In a job, that means proving that you are one hundred percent capable of getting the job done well and on time. In other situations, it may just mean ignoring the person treating you badly and then dealing with the task at hand.
- That means learning the skills you need to learn, even if you must put in extra hours.
- It also means being on time to work and being on time when turning in your work.
- In other situations, such as volunteer situations or at school meetings for you kid, you may need to just ignore the person and do what you need to do.

Part 4

Part 4 of 4:

Dealing With Strangers

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1
Stay polite. Sometimes, when you're in public, someone may use a condescending tone or drop a "dear" at the end of a sentence when talking to you. If you run across it in public, start by being polite. In other words, don't rise to the bait. Simply go by your own rules of politeness, and move on with the conversation.^{[14]XResearch source}
- Most of the time, the person probably doesn't even realize they're being condescending or treating you like a child. Snapping at them won't help the situation.
2
Shift the conversation back to you. Sometimes, you may find yourself in a situation where you should be the one having the conversation with the "expert," but instead, that expert is having it with someone else right in front of you. A prime example of this situation is when a mechanic addresses the husband about the wife's car when the wife is standing right there and should be the one in the discussion.^{[15]XResearch source}
- The best way to deal with this type of situation is to ask a question that the person has to directly address, meaning the person needs to talk to you.
- For example, you could ask, "I understand what you're saying about the timing belt, but don't you think my spark plugs also need to be changed? They were last changed 20,000 miles ago."
3
Use humor. If someone is being patronizing, it may be that they have just gotten into a rut of explaining things to everyone who walks in the door, especially in technical jobs or fields. One way to change the conversation is to use a little humor to jostle the person out of their standard explanation.^{[16]XResearch source}
- For example, when someone says, "You need to make sure you change your oil every 3,000 miles," you could say, "Just like going in for tune up at the doctor, right?"
Sometimes, when it's a stranger who's treating you like a child, you just have to let it go and move on. You'll probably never see that person again, and holding on to that anger isn't helping you at all.^{[17]XResearch source}
Read a good book, on hand or at a sashel always, and offer to lend whomever to read it. Having common understanding at an adult level can help soften the blow of adolescence. Read and pay attention to what they are bothered about and buy a book discussing that topic. You can also try other fun and helpful activities to work on it like making a smart craft, replacing slang terms with refined terms or quotes, or you can challenge them at a light game of chess, sudoku or crosswords.

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Question
How do you deal with a parent who treats you like a child?
Peggy Rios, PhD
Counseling Psychologist (Florida)
Dr. Peggy Rios is a Counseling Psychologist based in Florida. With over 24 years of experience, Dr. Rios works with people struggling with psychological symptoms such as anxiety and depression. She specializes in medical psychology, weaving together behavioral health programs informed by empowerment theory and trauma treatment. Dr. Rios uses integrated, evidence-based models to provide support and therapy for people with life-altering medical conditions. She holds an MS and Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology from the University of Maryland. Dr. Rios is a licensed psychologist in the state of Florida.
Peggy Rios, PhD
Counseling Psychologist (Florida)
Expert Answer
Make a plan for how to show your loved ones that they can trust you. For instance, if they're constantly checking in with you about your college grades, you might agree to email them once a month with your progress in each course.
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How do you get your parents to stop treating you like a child?
Peggy Rios, PhD
Counseling Psychologist (Florida)
Dr. Peggy Rios is a Counseling Psychologist based in Florida. With over 24 years of experience, Dr. Rios works with people struggling with psychological symptoms such as anxiety and depression. She specializes in medical psychology, weaving together behavioral health programs informed by empowerment theory and trauma treatment. Dr. Rios uses integrated, evidence-based models to provide support and therapy for people with life-altering medical conditions. She holds an MS and Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology from the University of Maryland. Dr. Rios is a licensed psychologist in the state of Florida.
Peggy Rios, PhD
Counseling Psychologist (Florida)
Expert Answer
Openly discuss with your family members what their vision is for you. For instance, you might say, "What is it that you're wanting to help me with? Oftentimes, you'll find they're feeling anxious about your ability to be independent.
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