How to Cope With a Moody Teenager

Adolescence can be hard on both parents and children. Parents often struggle to cope with the transformation of their sweet, loving children into seemingly prickly and oppositional teenagers. Teens become easily frustrated when their parents fail to comprehend the tornado of hormones, pressures, and developing independence in which they find themselves swirling. Strive to understand what your teenager is grappling with during these transformative years. Then, adopt a variety of tactics to redirect and encourage your child as they journey towards adulthood.

Method 1

Method 1 of 5:

Understanding Why Your Teenager is Moody

1
Recognize that hormones have a significant impact upon mood. Your child’s moody behavior has physiological foundations. Puberty hormones flush often-overwhelming levels of chemical input through your child’s developing brain.
- Note that hormones present in adults can operate differently in teenager. Adult brains experience the hormone THP, for example, as a calming influence; in your teenager, THP produces heightened anxiety.^{[1]XResearch source}
Humans’ frontal lobe -- the part of the brain responsible for impulse control, judgment, and decision-making -- doesn’t fully mature until we are in our early 20s. Your child’s brain is quite literally still under construction, even as the rest of his or her body may begin to appear “adult.”
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Your child is struggling to cope with the confluence of hormonal change, body changes, developing identity, pressure from friends, and a developing sense of independence. No wonder they are acting out! They may be frustrated, confused, or even scared by the changes taking place in their lives. Your child needs you to provide stability and support -- even if they are telling you something quite different.^{[2]XTrustworthy SourceNational Health Service (UK)Public healthcare system of the UKGo to source}
Perhaps the best way to understand your teenager is to remember what it was like to be one yourself. Think about your own triumphs and struggles, and consider how your parents experienced them.
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Method 2

Method 2 of 5:

Redirecting Negative Behavior

1
Remain calm and consistent. Hormones can render teens emotional instead of logical. They may even feel unsettled by the intensity of the emotions they experience. Your child needs you to be a calm, consistent presence in their life.^{[3]XTrustworthy SourceNational Health Service (UK)Public healthcare system of the UKGo to source}
- In many cases, it's hard to reason or use logic with someone who's feeling angry. Instead, try empathizing with them and offering them some space.^{[4]XExpert SourceChristy Irvine, PhD
  Licensed Clinical PsychologistExpert Interview. 9 April 2021.}
2
Set clear boundaries for behavior and communication. Involve your child in developing these rules. Doing so both respects her developing independence and gives you the opportunity to remind them later that they helped develop these rules and must now live by them. ^{[5]XResearch source} She may grumble, but knowing their boundaries helps teens feel safe.^{[6]XTrustworthy SourceNational Health Service (UK)Public healthcare system of the UKGo to source}
- Set, and use, consequences for poor behavior, but make your list of rules and consequences as short as possible. Prioritize your chief concerns.
- Pick your battles. If your teenager is basically behaving, ignore minor annoyances such as shrugs, raised eyebrows, or bored looks.
- Sometimes, teens may be inadvertently disrespectful. (Again, their brains are developing.) Calmly ask about their intention -- for example, “That comment came out sounding pretty offensive. Did you mean to behave rudely?”^{[7]XResearch source}
- Be clear about what kinds of behavior are inappropriate, dangerous, or harmful.^{[8]XExpert SourceChristy Irvine, PhD
  Licensed Clinical PsychologistExpert Interview. 9 April 2021.}
Make your disapproval of poor behavior known, but focus on what your teenager is doing, not who they are. Your child isn’t dumb, even if their decision to slam a door in frustration was less than brilliant. Continue to affirm his worth as a person even as you explain why their behavior was unacceptable.^{[9]XResearch source}
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Method 3

Method 3 of 5:

Offering Positive Support

Make yourself available to talk when your child expresses interest in doing so. Offer to give your teen a ride and then use the time in the car to chat; sometimes sitting side-by-side can offer a more comfortable venue for conversation.^{[10]XTrustworthy SourceNational Health Service (UK)Public healthcare system of the UKGo to source}
2
Stay involved in your teen’s everyday life.^{[11]XResearch source} Sometimes this will be easier than others, but put forth the effort to ask questions about activities and events. Follow your child’s sports team or attend their performances.
- Consider learning more about one of your child’s interests to provide some common ground. If your child is a die-hard soccer fan, start following their favorite league yourself. While you should continue to allow your child space to develop their interests without feeling smothered, one area of common ground can make everyday conversation much easier.
- Encourage your child to participate in stress-relieving activities such as sports, or relaxing with a funny movie.^{[12]XResearch source}
3
Offer your child some time alone. Teenagers need time to themselves to process the many changes they’re going through.
- Encourage your child to write in a private journal.
- Step back and allow your child the space to figure out some things on his own. You’ll demonstrate you believe they are capable of making appropriate choices and that you trust his judgment.
4
Affirm your child. Teenagers benefit from positive reinforcement -- and lots of it -- as they grapple with forming their own, independent identity. Tell them when you are proud of them. Praise positive behavior. Even in the midst of a more heated discussion, using positive terminology can be really helpful (“I know your teacher’s really impressed with your performance in chemistry. Let’s figure out how we can agree upon a schedule that allows you to continue acing those exams and enjoy some time with your friends, too.”)^{[13]XResearch source}
- Use descriptive praise. Be specific: “I really loved the way you helped your little sibling with their jump shot. I could see their pride when they made that basket -- you did a great job of helping them feel like they could improve their technique.”
- Let your child know that you’re aware of, and value, their opinions.^{[14]XResearch source}
5
Seek a mentor for your child. This tactic can be especially important in situations where your relationship with your teenager has become quite difficult. Another trusted adult such as an aunt, uncle, or family friend can help support your child through this difficult period in your lives.
- Even in situations where your relationship is reasonably strong, a mentor can provide your child with important extra support. ^{[15]XResearch source}^{[16]XResearch source}
Your teenager may be acting unlovable. Your teen may even be feeling that they are unlovable. Your job as a parent is to love them no matter what. Leave a note, give a hug, or speak words of love to your child every day.^{[17]XTrustworthy SourceNational Health Service (UK)Public healthcare system of the UKGo to source}
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Method 4

Method 4 of 5:

Taking Care of Yourself

If your child sees you treating others poorly or engaging in destructive behaviors such as heavy drinking, smoking, or drug use, you’ll have little recourse to criticize their own poor behavior.^{[18]XTrustworthy SourceNational Health Service (UK)Public healthcare system of the UKGo to source}
You’ll be better equipped to handle the stress of raising a teenager when you are well rested, eating healthy, and allowing yourself time for regular exercise.
Ensure you build adequate time into your daily routine to relax and take a break from your children.^{[19]XTrustworthy SourceNational Health Service (UK)Public healthcare system of the UKGo to source} Wake early, take a brief walk, or let your kids know that you’re taking a few minutes to read a chapter in your book and will check back in with them once you’ve finished. You’ll keep yourself balanced, even as you model good self-care for your children.
4
Seek support. Talk to friends or your partner about child rearing. The old adage that “it takes a village to raise a child” really does carry truth; others will offer valuable insight, advice, or simply a listening ear for you to vent concerns and frustrations.
- Consider finding a support group or other source of external help if you’re really struggling. Consult your child’s school counselor or your family physician for information on how to find extra support.^{[20]XTrustworthy SourceNational Health Service (UK)Public healthcare system of the UKGo to source}^{[21]XResearch source}
Serious stress can produce symptoms of depression or anxiety. If you’re concerned you may be suffering such ailments, please contact your doctor.^{[22]XTrustworthy SourceNational Health Service (UK)Public healthcare system of the UKGo to source}
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Method 5

Method 5 of 5:

Noting Warning Signs of More Serious Problems

1
Learn to differentiate moody behavior from dangerous anger. Most moody teens are simply struggling with the many changes they are experiencing in their lives. Occasionally, however, teens experience more serious anger. If you recognize any of these signs of dangerous anger, immediately contact a mental health professional:
- Cries for help -- statements that your child intends to do some sort of harm.
- Extreme identification with one group or affiliation. If your teen expresses a desire to “go to war” with other groups, they've crossed the border into dangerous thinking.
- Complete lack of communication. It’s normal to struggle to communicate well with your teenage child, but the situation has become dangerous if your child stops talking to you or their peers altogether. This is a sign of serious alienation.
- Violence. Pay attention to behaviors such as hitting or vandalism, as these behaviors can escalate.
- Dropping out, not only from school but from activities your child formerly enjoyed. It’s one thing for your child to reach high school and decide they're tired of playing soccer, but a teenager who stops identifying with others altogether may become capable of doing them harm.
- Substance abuse, especially combined with any of the above behaviors. Remember that substance abuse can include misuse of common household items such as “sniffing” glue or stealing prescription drugs from your medicine cabinet.^{[23]XResearch source}
2
Recognize when your child is suffering from depression. Watch for the following signs that your child needs treatment for depression:
- A depressed mood or feelings of sadness most of the time.
- Near-total lack of energy.
- Lack of interest or motivation.
- An inability to enjoy activities that they used to enjoy.
- Withdrawal from family or friends.
- Feelings of anger, irritability, or anxiety.
- An inability to concentrate.
- Significant changes in weight (loss or gain).
- Significant changes in sleep patterns, from insomnia to sleeping all the time.
- Feelings of guilt or lack of worth.
- Thoughts of death or suicide.
- Failing grades at school.^{[24]XResearch source}
3
Take action when you have serious concerns. The form of action you take will depend upon the gravity of your concerns.
- If you’re concerned your child is engaging in destructive behavior short of dangerous anger or depression, approach them with information rather than a challenge. Provide literature and Web links. Doing so demonstrates respect and regard for their ability to make better decisions in the future.^{[25]XTrustworthy SourceNational Health Service (UK)Public healthcare system of the UKGo to source}
- If you are concerned your child may be a danger to herself or others, seek help immediately. Contact your doctor, a mental health professional, or your child’s school counselor.
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