Learn to let go and move on so that you can heal in a healthy, honest way
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This article was co-authored by Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP. Rebecca Tenzer is the owner and head clinician at Astute Counseling Services, a private counseling practice in Chicago, Illinois. With over 18 years of clinical and educational experience in the field of mental health, Rebecca specializes in the treatment of depression, anxiety, panic, trauma, grief, interpersonal relationships using a combination of Cognitive Behavioral therapy, Psychodynamic therapy, and other evidence-based practices. Rebecca holds a Bachelor of Arts (BA) in Sociology and Anthropology from DePauw University, a Master in Teaching (MAT) from Dominican University, and a Master of Social Work (MSW) from the University of Chicago. Rebecca has served as a member of the AmeriCorps and is also a Professor of Psychology at the collegiate level. Rebecca is trained as a Cognitive Behavioral Therapist (CBT), a Certified Clinical Trauma Professional (CCTP), a Certified Grief Counseling Specialist (CGCS), a Clinical Anxiety Treatment Professional (CCATP), and a Certified Compassion Fatigue Professional (CCFP). Rebecca is also a member of the Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Society of America and The National Association of Social Workers.
There are 7 references cited in this article, which can be found at the bottom of the page.
This article has been viewed 147,087 times.
Leaving someone you love can be extremely difficult. Maybe you have to end a romantic relationship that is not working out. Or maybe you have to move far away from close friends or family. Whatever your situation is, moving on can be hard. There are several things you can do to make leaving easier on yourself. It's always important to take care of yourself emotionally, so we'll walk you through ways to re-connect with yourself and start the healing process.
Steps
Method 1
Method 1 of 3:
Leaving a Romantic Relationship
Make a plan for being alone. If you are used to being in a relationship, being on your own can be a big adjustment. Take some time to think about how you will cope alone. Consider your emotional needs and logistics.[1]- Maybe you are worried that you will experience anxiety after leaving your partner. Ask a close friend to be "on call" if you need someone to talk to.
- If you are worried that you will miss practical things, such as having someone to make your morning coffee, think about how you will adjust. For example, maybe you can start treating yourself to a to-go coffee on the way to work.
- Make a list of all of the ways that you will need to adjust. Then make a list of all of the possible solutions you can find.
Be honest but kind as you express why you want to leave. Keep the conversation focused on what you want or need in your life moving forward, rather than anything your partner did wrong. Remember, this is a chance to resolve any lingering questions you two have and to tell them anything you never got to say.[2] It's not the time to list your partner's flaws or to focus on past mistakes. It may help, according to clinical therapist Rebecca Tenzer, to "keep your conversation brief and to the point."- Use "I feel" and "I want" statements to assertively and compassionately describe what you need and why you're moving on.
- Listen to the other person's feelings. If you love this person, you should respect him enough to hear their point of view.
- Allow both of you time to heal. You will likely both need time to grieve the end of the relationship.
Find a support group. Leaving someone you love can be an incredibly emotional process. If you are having trouble dealing with depression, anxiety, or grief, you might need some help. Consider finding a support group.[3]- Talking to people who are in a similar situation can be very soothing. Look for a group near you.
- Maybe your spouse is leaving for a long military deployment. There are groups that specialize in supporting you through that difficult transition.
- Ask your doctor for a recommendation. Hospitals often have a wide variety of support groups that they host.
Focus on the positive. It might be hard to find at first, but there is likely a positive side to this tough situation. Spend some time reflecting on how your life is changing. Write down all the ways it is changing for the better.[4]- Although ending a relationship is hard, there are some positive aspects. For example, being on your own can lead to personal growth.
- You will likely feel an increased sense of independence and freedom. Take advantage of being able to focus on your own needs and wants.
- For example, if you feel like having popcorn for dinner and watching several hours of reality tv, you can now do that without worrying about anyone else.
Acknowledge the love. Maybe you are ending your relationship because you are moving. Or maybe you have just realized that this is not the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. Whatever your reason, it can be very emotional to leave the person you love.[5]- It's important to realize that you can leave someone but still love them. Acknowledge the powerful bond that you have.
- You can honor the love that you have. But you should also understand that love is not always enough to make a relationship last.
- Maybe you need to leave because you have a job opportunity far away. Or perhaps you are just incompatible. It is ok to still love someone, but feel the need to move on.
Get closure. Having closure is extremely important in order to feel like you have a voice and the opportunity to discuss some of the unfinished business between you and your partner.[6]
Consider friendship. Just because your romantic relationship won't continue, that doesn't mean you have to completely cut the other person out of your life. It is possible that in time you can become friends. If this is something you would like to pursue, talk to your partner.[7]- Ask for his honest opinion. Try saying, "I know our relationship won't be continuing as we're used to, but I would like to stay in your life as a friend."
- Don't expect to make the transition immediately. Give yourselves time to adjust.
- Avoid contact for 1-2 months. Then gradually begin communicating with each other.
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Method 2
Method 2 of 3:
Moving On with a Fresh Start
Go exploring. If you've moved to a new town, get out and look around. Pretend that you are a tourist. Take in all the sights, such as museums and local parks.[8]- Spend some time looking for new "favorites". What better reason to try all of the pizza places in your new neighborhood?
- Exploring your new city will help you to feel more at home. The better you know your way around, the more comfortable you will feel.
- Even if you haven't moved, you can still explore. Challenge yourself to venture out to a new coffee shop or try a new gym. You might meet some new friends.
Be patient. Give yourself time to adjust to your new normal. It will take a while to get used to not being around your friends and family. Be kind to yourself and understand that it is part of the process.- Don't put pressure on yourself to acclimate to your new routine too quickly. Take some time to think about what sorts of positive changes you could make in your life.
Get involved. Leaving someone you love is tough. But don't forget it can have some advantages. You'll definitely have some more free time, so take advantage of that.- Find a new activity. You could look for a book club that meets in your area.
- Look for a way to get involved in the community. Consider volunteering at a local animal shelter if you're a pet lover.
- Getting involved in new activities will help you meet new people. They won't replace the ones you miss, but they can certainly help you feel less lonely.
Acknowledge your emotions. Even after you have adjusted, you will probably have days where you just really miss your friends or family. That is normal. Take note of your feelings, and allow yourself time to process.[9]- When you are feeling lonely, that is a great time to reach out to your friends. A few minutes laughing on the phone can make you feel much more cheerful.
- Be active. Take a walk when you are feeling low. Physical exercise and being outdoors can lift your spirits.
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Method 3
Method 3 of 3:
Moving Away From Friends or Family
Spend special time together. Moving is one of the main reasons that people have to leave someone they love. If you are in a situation where you have to move away from close friends or family, it can be really difficult. Try to spend a lot of time with your loved ones before you go.- Make your relationships a priority. Schedule plenty of quality time with your friends before the move.
- Have fun together. You're likely feeling sad, and that's ok. But try to participate in the activities that you enjoy.
- If you and your best friend have always enjoyed going dancing together, don't stop. Keep your dance dates up until the time you have to leave.
- Have an honest conversation. Tell your loved one that you are going to miss them.
- Try saying, "Mom, I'm really going to miss you when I leave for college. I just wanted to let you know that."
Stay in contact. Let your loved ones know that it is important for you to stay connected. Try brainstorming different ways that you can keep in touch. You can even write some actual letters.[10]- Get on a friends and family cell phone plan. You'll be able to text and call as much as you want without worrying about your minutes.
- Schedule video chat dates. Are you worried you're going to miss impromptu dance parties with your best friend? Just Facetime her whenever your favorite song comes on.
- Use technology. Stay connected with social media. This is the perfect time to finally convince your grandmother to get a Facebook account.
Make plans to visit in advance. Leaving someone you love can feel scary. This is especially true if you don't know when you will see them again. To avoid this sinking feeling, schedule a visit before you even leave.[11]- Sit down together with your calendars. If you have a group of friends that you are going to miss, invite everyone over for a planning party.
- Select a couple of dates that work for everyone. You can have fun deciding when you will visit, and when your friends will come check out your new home.
- If you are leaving for college, check out the campus calendar. Let your parents know when parents weekend is, and invite them to come.
Send care packages. Care packages are a great way to feel connected with your loved ones. Set up a system where you send a package one month and your loved one returns the favor the next month. These packages will give you both something to look forward to.[12]- Include items that remind you of fun times you had together. For example, if you loved going to yoga together, send your friend a gift card to your favorite studio.
- You can also include items that are homemade. Make a batch of your dad's favorite cookies to send to him.
- Be creative. If you're thinking of fun times you had at the beach, send a little plastic baggy of sand from the shore.
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Expert Q&A
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- QuestionHow do you leave someone you love but can't be with?
Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFPRebecca Tenzer is the owner and head clinician at Astute Counseling Services, a private counseling practice in Chicago, Illinois. With over 18 years of clinical and educational experience in the field of mental health, Rebecca specializes in the treatment of depression, anxiety, panic, trauma, grief, interpersonal relationships using a combination of Cognitive Behavioral therapy, Psychodynamic therapy, and other evidence-based practices. Rebecca holds a Bachelor of Arts (BA) in Sociology and Anthropology from DePauw University, a Master in Teaching (MAT) from Dominican University, and a Master of Social Work (MSW) from the University of Chicago. Rebecca has served as a member of the AmeriCorps and is also a Professor of Psychology at the collegiate level. Rebecca is trained as a Cognitive Behavioral Therapist (CBT), a Certified Clinical Trauma Professional (CCTP), a Certified Grief Counseling Specialist (CGCS), a Clinical Anxiety Treatment Professional (CCATP), and a Certified Compassion Fatigue Professional (CCFP). Rebecca is also a member of the Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Society of America and The National Association of Social Workers.
Clinical Therapist & Adjunct ProfessorClinical Therapist & Adjunct ProfessorExpert AnswerLeaving someone you love can be really difficult, but it is possible to move on and live a happy life. I suggest you have a conversation with the person to get some closure and express the emotions you're going through right now.
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- Focus on those relationships that are most important to you. Spend quality time with those people who are most important to you.Thanks
- Use this as an opportunity to meet new people and try new things.Thanks
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References
- ↑ http://www.military.com/spouse/military-deployment/dealing-with-deployment/preparing-for-family-member-deployment.html
- ↑ Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP. Clinical Therapist & Adjunct Professor. Expert Interview. 2 October 2020.
- ↑ http://www.military.com/spouse/military-deployment/dealing-with-deployment/preparing-for-family-member-deployment.html
- ↑ http://www.apa.org/research/action/romantic-relationships.aspx
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/owning-pink/201104/15-ways-leave-your-lover-love
- ↑ Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP. Clinical Therapist & Adjunct Professor. Expert Interview. 2 October 2020.
- ↑ http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/how-break-up-gracefully?page=3
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/teen-angst/201008/so-youre-the-new-kid-the-block-how-address-the-pressure-and-adjustment-moving
- ↑ http://au.reachout.com/moving-away-from-friends-and-family
About this article
Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP
Clinical Therapist & Adjunct Professor
This article was co-authored by Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP. Rebecca Tenzer is the owner and head clinician at Astute Counseling Services, a private counseling practice in Chicago, Illinois. With over 18 years of clinical and educational experience in the field of mental health, Rebecca specializes in the treatment of depression, anxiety, panic, trauma, grief, interpersonal relationships using a combination of Cognitive Behavioral therapy, Psychodynamic therapy, and other evidence-based practices. Rebecca holds a Bachelor of Arts (BA) in Sociology and Anthropology from DePauw University, a Master in Teaching (MAT) from Dominican University, and a Master of Social Work (MSW) from the University of Chicago. Rebecca has served as a member of the AmeriCorps and is also a Professor of Psychology at the collegiate level. Rebecca is trained as a Cognitive Behavioral Therapist (CBT), a Certified Clinical Trauma Professional (CCTP), a Certified Grief Counseling Specialist (CGCS), a Clinical Anxiety Treatment Professional (CCATP), and a Certified Compassion Fatigue Professional (CCFP). Rebecca is also a member of the Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Society of America and The National Association of Social Workers. This article has been viewed 147,087 times.
Co-authors: 13
Updated: March 11, 2022
Views: 147,087
Article SummaryX
Leaving someone you love can be really difficult, but you can cope by acknowledging your emotions, finding support in family and friends, and giving yourself time to heal. Whatever the reason for leaving this person, you should realize that it’s okay to still have feelings for them. Just because you love someone doesn’t mean that it’s enough to make a relationship last. While you deal with these emotions, try talking to a close friend about what you’re feeling. If you’re dealing with depression or anxiety you might also consider finding a support group, since talking to people in a similar situation can be very soothing. As you heal, be patient with yourself. It will take time to feel normal again, so don’t put too much pressure on yourself. Instead, focus on finding new activities, like a book club, or volunteering, to distract you and give you a fresh start. To learn how to cope with moving away from friends or family, read more from our Counselor co-author.
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