How to Convince Elderly Parents to Move Closer

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1Communicating Your Concerns

2Helping Them Adjust to the Idea

3Making Additional Considerations

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With parents living longer, many middle-aged adults have to put on their caregiver hats even after their own children are grown. But doing that can be complicated if there are miles between you and your parents. You can try to convince your elderly parents to move closer by communicating your concerns first. Then, since many parents worry about being a burden on their children, show them that they have a place in your life. Lastly, if they refuse, prepare yourself to return to the conversation at a later date.

Steps

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Communicating Your Concerns

1. 
   1
   Perform a cost-benefit analysis. Providing care across the country or even in a neighboring state can add up quickly. Adult children may have to take off work to visit their parents, purchase plane tickets, obtain hotel accommodations, or arrange childcare. Do the math in terms of time and money. Gain a clear picture going in as to how much relocating would save the family.

   • When you have the conversation, the information you learn can help you convince them that moving is a good idea for everyone.
2. 
   2
   Be proactive about the conversation. Don’t wait until a crisis to broach the subject of relocating your parents. Open the lines of communication early. Waiting until after an accident or health scare can lead to a hasty decision.

   • Plus, if your parents have been living in the same area for an extended time, or they manage quite well right now, there’s a chance they’ll turn down your offer.
   • Bringing up the topic early allows for them to start incorporating it into their list of options when making future plans. Simply put, they’ll have more time to mull it over.
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3. 
   3
   Talk face-to-face. Of course, your parents need to be active participants in the decision-making process. However, it will also help if you have the talk in person. Avoid busy holidays or gatherings. Plan a visit when you and your siblings (if you have any) can talk with your parents without distractions. Then, be forthright about your concerns.

   • Pose the discussion as your problem, not theirs. Say, “Dad, Mom, we’re really concerned about how you guys are managing. You live in a large house. It’s a lot to take care of on your own. Plus, with Dad’s hip surgery, he hasn’t been able to get around as well. It would give us peace of mind to have you closer. What do you guys think about moving out to Denver?”
4. 
   4
   Encourage them to share their reservations. Keep in mind that you’re asking your parents to make a major move. If they flat-out refuse, be respectful. It doesn’t mean it won’t be possible in the future. It just means they’re not quite ready. Instead of forcing the issue or starting an argument, try to understand their objections and validate their decision to stay in their current home.

   • Say, “I understand you not jumping for joy, but why are you so against the idea? Help us understand.” It is also helpful to let them know, "The opportunity is here in the future if you ever decide this is something you want.
   • Finding out their reservations can help you gradually develop counterarguments for a future discussion.
   • Realize that unless your parents are cognitively impaired and unable to make sound decisions for themselves, they have a right to refuse to move.
   • If it has been determined by medical professionals that they are unable to make decisions on their own, you will still need to complete an advance directive or durable power of attorney enabling you to make decisions on their behalf.
5. 
   5
   Ensure all siblings are in agreement. In order to persuade your parents to move nearby, you will have to make sure your siblings are on board. You are more likely to present a convincing argument if everyone is on the same page and agrees that this is the best decision.

   • Talk to your siblings first. Say, “Mom and Dad aren’t getting any younger. What are we going to do about their long-term care? They live too far away for us to adequately care for them.”
   • If everyone agrees, you can all have separate talks or do it as a group. The important thing is that the message is consistent.
6. 
   6
   Seek out an ally. Perhaps just one of your parents isn't so sure about the move. Or, maybe they both don't fancy the idea. Find someone they trust, and pitch your idea to this person. It could be another elderly family member or a family friend. Explain your concerns and ask if they will speak to your parents on your behalf.

   • Sometimes, people need to hear an idea from more than one source to truly consider its legitimacy. If you find an ally, they may be able to communicate your concerns in a way that doesn't come off as pushy.
   • Ask an aunt or family friend, "I think Mom and Dad need to move closer to me, but they don't want to. Could you maybe discuss it with them and try to see if they will change their minds? They have always respected your opinion."
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Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Helping Them Adjust to the Idea

1. 
   1
   Take baby steps. Your parents may actually be open to the idea of moving closer. However, they may act the opposite because they don’t want to encroach on your lives or lose their own independence. You can help them get reintegrated into your life by talking to them about increasing your level of contact. This means more phone calls and more visits.

   • Over time they may start to appreciate your caregiving efforts and slowly come around to your original proposition.
   • Be sure to see if this is okay with your parents first. They may be satisfied with the current level of contact they have with you.
2. 
   2
   Identify specific needs prior to moving. In the planning phase prior to the move, contact extended family or family friends who live near your parents. If no family members are able to assist, contact a neighbor, caregiver, or a health care professional that may assist in understanding your elderly parents' basic needs.

   • Working with someone else can help you better understand the daily needs of your parents that you may not have encountered living away from them.
   • Arrange a trip to visit your parents in their own home and community and schedule a caregiving coaching session with their providers. Their geriatric provider may help you set up a group meeting with you, your parents, their health care team, and possibly a social worker.
   • These meetings will help you gain a clear picture of how the move would not only impact your parents, but also how it may impact you.
3. 
   3
   Ask your parents to indulge you by visiting for a week. Again, it can help if you slowly introduce your parents to the idea of moving. Invite them to stay with you for a week or so in order to get acquainted with your area. Or, if possible, you can even conduct a trial run in which they find a temporary rental or assisted living facility in your area.
4. 
   4
   Allow them to be more involved with the grandchildren. Grandparents are usually over the moon at the prospect of spending more time with their grandchildren. When your parents come to visit, give them the chance to spend quality time with your children.

   • Remind them of how much they miss out on by being so far away. Show them the video of your baby’s first steps. Get them seats at your daughter’s recital. Offer for them to babysit while you go on a date, if they’d like.
   • Helping them transition into the role of close-by grandparent may convince them in a way that your words could not.
5. 
   5
   Help them identify a residence and activities. While they are in town, give them a tour of potential apartment buildings, rental homes, or assisted living facilities. Ask them about their location preferences and show them some options. Introduce them to some elderly neighbors and tour the local community center.

   • If your parent will be living with you, prepare a room just for them during the trial run.
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Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Making Additional Considerations

1. 
   1
   Ensure access to quality health care. It is extremely important for your elderly parents to have easy access to quality health care wherever they reside. If you are assisting them with a move so they can be closer to you, be sure to research offices and hospitals where they can access a good health care provider.

   • Have your parents connect with their current health care provider prior to moving to ask for recommendations in your area. Help them call prospective physicians and specialists to set up initial appointments. This will help them become acquainted with their new services.
   • It is advisable that these phone calls happen well in advance of any move.
   • Be sure that your parents sign all releases of information with their current primary care providers so that all medical documentation can be faxed over to the new provider in advance. Have your parents keep a hard copy of the records, as well.
2. 
   2
   Recognize the downsides for them. If you are upset or frustrated because your parents refused, think about the gravity of the decision. Moving can have a major impact on their life satisfaction–leaving familiar surroundings, friends, familiar medical care, and possibly a home they built and you grew up in.

   • Pressuring your parents to move can have negative ramifications. Elderly adults who move nearer to their children may sacrifice many elements that made their lives their own. In fact, many elderly adults feel lonely, out of place, and depressed.
   • You can alleviate these concerns by taking the whole process slowly. That's why it's important to have such a conversation well before your parents need to be close by. Give them time to gradually get used to the idea, or to consider possible alternatives.
3. 
   3
   Determine how them being closer will impact your life. Having your parents move nearby can also create a shift in your own lifestyle. Research shows that caregivers may spend as much as 40 hours providing care when their parents relocate. The move won’t just be a dramatic change for them, it will affect you and your family, too.

   • Carefully weigh the personal cost of your parent’s move. Will it actually be better for everyone involved if they relocate? Will your siblings help you manage caregiving responsibilities?
4. 
   4
   Keep a list of resources at hand. A move to a new area requires a lot of planning. If you are intending to bring up the subject again in the future, it’s best to compile a list of resources. That way, you’ll have everything handy next time.

   • Assess the quality of health care in your area. Research and contact local elderly care advocates in your area. Get pamphlets from assisted living facilities to learn more about their amenities.
   • In the meantime, it may also be helpful to identify services like ElderCare Locator that helps you arrange transportation to doctor’s appointments and other needs for your long-distance parents.
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Expert Q&A

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• Question

  How can you help an elderly family member transition to having supportive home care?

  

  Justin Barnes
  Senior Home Care Specialist

  Justin Barnes is a Senior Home Care Specialist and the Co-Owner of Presidio Home Care, a family-owned and operated Home Care Organization based in the Los Angeles, California metro area. Presidio Home Care, which provides non-medical supportive services, was the first agency in the state of California to become a licensed Home Care Organization. Justin has over 10 years of experience in the Home Care field. He has a BS in Technology and Operations Management from the California State Polytechnic University - Pomona.

  

  Justin Barnes

  Senior Home Care Specialist

  Expert Answer

  Having the conversation early is really the best bet. The main concern for anybody is the drastic change in privacy for that individual. In having a conversation with your loved one early, you can ease them into it and get their minds ready for the idea.

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