How to Connect with Your Teenage Daughter

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parts

1Spending Time Together

2Developing a Positive Relationship with Your Daughter

3Communicating Effectively

4Dealing with Arguments

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Teenage daughters can be a handful. Between mood swings, drama at school, and a hectic schedule, you might find it hard to connect with your daughter. To strengthen your bond, set aside time for some casual parent-daughter bonding. Show your daughter you respect her, communicate clearly and honestly, and deal with arguments in a calm, open manner.

Steps

Part 1

Part 1 of 4:

Spending Time Together

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   Eat meals together regularly. Regular family meals can help with parent-teen bonding. Try to have a few sit-down dinners together every week. If she’s resistant, try cooking her favorite foods to boost her enthusiasm.

   • Cooking meals together can be a great bonding opportunity. Try something simple and yummy, like make-your-own pizzas.
   • Have everyone put their phones away at dinner. Phones are just one more distraction that can get in the way of connection.
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   Find an activity that you both enjoy. Finding an activity that fires up both of you is a great way to strengthen your connection. Not only can you spend some quality one-on-one time participating in your chosen activity, but it’ll also give you something to talk about.

   • If you and your daughter are both horse enthusiasts, go horseback riding together once a week.
   • If you’re both sporty, go cycling together or join a fitness class.
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   Do chores together. Doing chores together can be a great opportunity to have meaningful conversations. Your teen may feel more at ease when her hands are busy washing dishes or raking leaves.
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   Establish weekly traditions. Between school, extracurriculars, and a busy social life, finding time to spend with your daughter might be hard. That’s why having a few weekly traditions is important for a strong connection.

   • You might take a family trip to the mall for frozen yogurt every Wednesday, or go on a run with your daughter on Sunday mornings. You could also drive her to places she needs to go on a weekly basis, like to school. Use this time to talk and bond.
   • You may find that your daughter opens up to you during these parent-daughter “dates.”
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Part 2

Part 2 of 4:

Developing a Positive Relationship with Your Daughter

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   Give your teen responsibility to show you trust her. Trust means a lot to teenagers. Show your daughter you trust her by asking her for advice and letting her take charge of an event, errand, or activity.

   • For example, if your daughter loves to cook, you could let her handle some of the baking for your annual Christmas party.
   • Get your daughter’s advice on an issue at work or a destination for the annual family vacation.
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   Have more positive interactions than negative ones. For every one negative interaction, make sure there are five positive ones. Positive interactions can be something small, like a kind word or a pat on the back.

   • Don’t go overboard with presents to make up for a negative interaction. Occasional gifts are great, but focus on kind words and actions.
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   Respect her opinions and dreams. You might not agree with everything your teen thinks and wants. That’s normal. However, it’s important to show your daughter that you support her for who she is. Let her make her own mistakes and learn from them.

   • Respecting her feelings, thoughts, and ideas will help her build high self esteem.
   • Don't discount or degrade her feelings because they seem small or inconsequential to her. Troubles with friends or problems at school are real and significant to her. Listening without judgement will help you better connect.
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   Say hello and goodbye. As simple as it is, greeting your teen when she comes in and saying goodbye when she leaves may actually help build a more positive relationship.

   • If a goodbye hug or kiss might embarrass her in front of her friends, save it for later.
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   Be welcoming to her friends. When they show up at the house, be friendly. Smile, greet them warmly, and offer water or snacks. Yes, you may not be a fan of all your daughter’s friends, but respecting them shows that you respect her.

   • If you think your daughter’s friends may be leading her down the wrong path, don’t forbid her to see them outright. It probably won’t work. Instead, let her know about your concerns in a clear, calm manner.
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   Don’t micromanage your daughter. While you can--and should--lay down boundaries for your daughter, let her make some decisions on her own. Getting on her back about trivial matters could lead to resentment.

   • If your daughter wants to cut her hair short, let her do it without saying things like, “You should really think before you make that decision” or “That’s probably not a good idea.”
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Part 3

Part 3 of 4:

Communicating Effectively

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   Make yourself available to talk without forcing the conversation. Your daughter might shut down if she feels like you’re trying to pry information out of her. Instead, let her know that you’re available, then wait for her to come to you. You’ll have a better chance of connecting if she initiates the conversation.

   • You might say something like, “I’ll be in the kitchen if you need me” or “I’m running to the store, but give me a call if you need anything.”
   • Show that you’re emotionally available by dropping what you’re doing when your daughter wants to talk. Make her your priority whenever you can.
   • Late night can be a great time for bonding. If your daughter is up late doing homework, consider staying up with her so she has the option of reaching out.
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   Ask open-ended questions. Open-ended questions are those that require a broader answer than “yes” or “no.” When you want to have a great conversation with your daughter, ask open-ended questions to get her talking.

   • You could ask something like, “What’s your favorite part of being in the band?” or “Can you explain how you made that pottery piece?”
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   Try to connect when you’re in the same mood. If you’re daughter is quiet and sulky and you’re hyper from a crazy day at the office, it’ll probably be hard to make a meaningful connection at the moment. Pay close attention to your daughter’s mood. When you feel like you’re on the same wavelength, it’s a good time to connect.
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   Don’t force your daughter to accept your help. When your daughter is venting to you about a personal problem, the most important thing you can do is listen. Offer your help, but don’t force her to take it.

   • Say something like, “Do you want to hear what I think? If not, that’s ok, but I’m here if you need me.”
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   Be genuine for a stronger relationship. Don’t try to change yourself to be more like your daughter and her friends. You don’t need to talk like her or share her opinions in order to connect. Be true to yourself.
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Part 4

Part 4 of 4:

Dealing with Arguments

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   Don’t take your teen’s outbursts personally. Being a teenage girl is tough. There’s tons of pressure to look a certain way, act a certain way, and achieve certain goals. When your daughter blows up at you over something tiny, try to see the situation from her perspective. It’ll help you keep your cool.

   • Complete the sentence, “It must not be easy…”
   • For example, you might think, “It must not be easy to deal with a rocky friendship at school. That’s probably why she’s so irritable today.”
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   Reach out to your daughter before addressing bad behavior. If your daughter just slipped into the house an hour after her curfew, avoid jumping straight to scolding. Instead, ask her how’s she’s doing and give her a chance to explain.

   • You could say, “Honey, you’re an hour late. Is everything ok? Let me know what’s going on.”
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   Have a two-way conversation instead of lecturing. Remember that every conversation should be a two-way street. While it may be easy to go into lecture mode during an argument, steer clear of dominating the conversation. If you can show her that you respect her even when you don't agree, you will likely increase the odds of her coming to you for help in the future.

   • Give your daughter time to talk. Ask for her opinions and thoughts, and listen to her answers.
   • Nod your head and smile, rephrase what she tells you, and say phrases like “I see” or “yes” to show you’re paying attention.
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   Don’t accuse your daughter. Avoid making accusations or blaming during arguments with your daughter. There’s nothing like an accusation to make your daughter shut down and get defensive.

   • Use “I” statements to avoid blaming and shift the focus to your feelings. For example, you could say, “I feel hurt when you don’t respect my rules.”
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   Give your daughter a chance to problem solve. If the two of you are having a disagreement, let her think of possible solutions first. It’ll show her that you trust and respect her, strengthening your bond.

   • During an argument, take your teen’s input into consideration and come up with a solution that suits both of you. Don’t hold stubbornly to the solution you like best.
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   Keep your emotions in check. If you feel yourself getting too heated during an argument, take a few deep breaths or count to ten. Consider revisiting the conversation later if you can’t reign in your emotions.
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   Explain the rules you’ve laid down. The “because I said so” explanation won’t work on her anymore. You should still lay down rules, because boundaries are important for teens, but you need to offer honest explanations for them, too.

   • If your teen is complaining about not being able to stay out past ten on a school night, you might tell her, “You’re super busy, so I want to make sure you’re well rested. If you stay out late, you’ll be exhausted for the rest of the week. That’s no fun for you.”
   • You can also consider making some rules together so that your daughter feels like she has more input. This shows her that you value her judgement, and makes it more likely that she'll follow these rules.
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   Notice behavioral changes and get professional help if necessary. Mood swings are normal among teen girls, but if you notice any big changes in your daughter’s mood or behavior, you should check up to make sure everything’s ok. If your daughter is struggling with severe mood swings or destructive behavior, seek professional help.
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