How to Confront an Alcoholic

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methods

1Speaking to Them Directly

2Enlisting the Help of a Doctor

3Staging an Intervention

Other Sections

Tips and Warnings

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References

Are you concerned about a family member or friend that is an alcoholic and wondering how to confront them? They may be neglecting their relationships and obligations or engaging in risky activities. They may seem depressed or overcome with anxiety. You should trust your gut and know that, unfortunately, if they do have a problem, it likely isn’t going to get better on its own. If you’re ready to confront your friend or family member, the best approach is to prepare yourself and speak to them directly. Another option is to get a family physician involved if you’re not quite comfortable yet. If other attempts fail, you may want to consider an intervention.

Steps

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Speaking to Them Directly

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   Try to remember that this person is struggling with a serious addiction. It’s important to understand that alcoholism is not a simple matter of choice. It is a disorder that actually changes how the brain functions. Alcoholics become physically and mentally dependent on alcohol. When they try to stop drinking on their own, the side effects can be unbearable, resulting in relapse.
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   Write out what you want to say. This can be an emotional conversation, so it will be better to write out what you want to say so you can stay focused and make sure to bring up all the relevant points. Try to think of various scenarios of how they will respond and what your response might be. It’s also helpful to practice the conversation ahead of time.

   • Keep in mind that the person may not be able to get over their addiction on their own. They may need your help. Consider offering to go with them to see a doctor or addiction specialist.
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   Decide on a time and place. Having this conversation under the right circumstances will increase your chances of a better end result.

   • Choose a calm, quiet environment that’s free of distractions.
   • Ideally they shouldn’t be in an angry or upset state of mind. If, for example, you planned on a conversation but then find that they are very irritable because of something that happened at work that day, you should consider postponing a few days.
   • Most importantly, they must be sober. You cannot have this conversation while they are under the influence of alcohol.
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   Talk to them. This is the hard part where you’ll need to set your fears aside. Remember why you’re doing this and stay focused. Use these tips to keep the conversation positive:

   • Keep it honest. Don’t sugarcoat the situation, but don’t exaggerate either.
   • Maintain compassion. Put yourself in their shoes. You’re making them face some hard truths and that’s not easy for anyone in any scenario. They may be dealing with issues that you don’t know about, or they may not even realize yet. Don’t forget that alcoholism is a disease, not a choice.
   • Use “I” statements to express your feelings and concerns. Don’t blame. That typically causes people to become defensive. A statement such as “I worry when you’re out drinking. I would be devastated if something happened to you.” comes off much better than “You’re out drinking every day. You should really think about your actions and what will happen if something happens to you.” One statement expresses concern while the other reprimands.
   • Give facts. Talk about specific behaviors and observations.
   • Avoid labels. Try not to use terms like “alcoholic” that have a negative connotation.
   • Don’t preach, lecture, threaten, plead, use guilt, or bribes. These don’t typically work. You can’t force someone to get better. The only thing you can do is to try and make them see the situation for what it is and realize that they want to get help for themselves.
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   Be sympathetic and offer support. Know that the person may become resistant or defensive. Put yourself in their position and be sympathetic. Try not to pass judgment.

   • They have to choose to go to rehab for themselves. But you can offer to go with them to see an addiction specialist or a doctor or drive them to and from outpatient therapy or group meetings.
   • Become their accountability partner. For example, if they say they’re going to seek help, ask direct questions like, “When will you be making an appointment?” Then follow up to make sure they went to the appointment. Check in and make sure they’re going to meetings. Ask specific details not only to make sure they’re being honest but so they know you care and are committed to seeing them succeed.
   • Keep them engaged in sober-friendly activities. Avoid things like meeting with friends for happy hour or going to that cocktail party after work. Help them avoid temptations.
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Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Enlisting the Help of a Doctor

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   Remind your family member of an upcoming or missed routine physical. If you’re hesitant about confronting your family member, there's an alternative way you can confront them about their drinking problem. You can involve your healthcare provider. A primary care physician would be ideal, but if there's a specialist they see regularly, that can work as well.
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   Schedule the appointment for them. If you are the one to typically schedule medical appointments for your family member, then this is the time to do so. If not, remind them to do it and follow up to make sure it’s been scheduled. Avoid being too pushy, but don’t let them sit on it for a while either.
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   Speak with the doctor before the appointment. If you are the one scheduling the appointment, you can speak to the doctor at that time. If not, then call the doctor’s office after your family member has scheduled the appointment but before the actual day. Ask to speak to the doctor directly and explain the situation and your concerns. Doctors are well versed in identifying signs of addiction and seeing past any lies and excuses. They can then offer advice for rehab and recovery.
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   Give your family member some time to open up to you. Don’t ask the doctor about what happened after the appointment. They are not necessarily allowed to disclose this information unless you've been given authorization. Assume they addressed the issue, even if briefly. If your family member doesn’t open up to you about what happened on their own, you can try one of the other methods. The meeting with the doctor will act as an ice breaker and/or reinforcement of the issue.
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Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Staging an Intervention

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   Find a counselor that specializes in interventions. If others have tried to confront your family or friend unsuccessfully and you're ready to confront them yourself, you might consider an intervention. Start by finding a professional to assist in the process. Interventions can be highly emotional and difficult. You can search for someone directly or contact others and ask for recommendations. Check with a local:

   • Doctor
   • Social worker
   • Therapist
   • Hospital
   • Addiction counselor
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   Plan the intervention. With the help of the counselor, you'll be able to plan the most effective intervention. You'll gather an intervention team and decide on a treatment path and consequences. You'll also set up a time and location that is most ideal. It's beneficial to run through a rehearsal so that everyone is comfortable and prepared.
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   Perform the actual intervention. This is when you’ll have the opportunity to confront your family member or friend. You’ll talk through the planned conversation, offer options for treatment, and present consequences.
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Tips

• Remember not to stretch the truth or make excuses. You need to keep the conversations honest and factual. They need to come to terms with their situation and take responsibility for themselves.
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• Confronting a family member or friend that is an alcoholic can be very emotional. Try not to let them make you feel guilty. They may simply be deflecting. Alcoholism is a brain disease. This is not your fault, you didn’t cause it, and it is not in your control.
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• Try not to argue with them. Arguments don’t make for productive conversations. They are emotionally charged and don’t allow for rational thinking.
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Warnings

• Attempting to detox from alcohol on your own can be dangerous depending on the severity of your addiction and your current health. You should speak to your doctor and seek professional help.
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