How to Compromise with Your Parents

Sometimes, parents can be a drag. If you feel your parents are too restrictive, or aren’t meeting your expectations, you may be able to make a deal with them. Compromising with your parents means sitting down with them and revising the rules and regulations which govern your behavior and life. By hearing your parents out and expressing candidly what you’d like, you may be able to reach a third way that is amenable to all of you.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Planning a Compromise

1
Find out what your parents want.^{[1]XResearch source} Ask your parents directly what they want from you. Whether the problem is cleaning your room, doing your homework, or applying a raise to your allowance, listen to what they have to say and think about it carefully. Never assume you know what they want; they may have changed what they expect of you as you’ve grown. Ask questions if you’re confused about their reasoning or need some clarification.
- If your parents are having a hard time expressing themselves to you, or you need a direct answer about their expectations, encourage them to share their views with you. Try a conversation prompt such as “I’m very interested in hearing what you think about [insert activity you want to do here],” or “Do you think it would be alright if I [insert activity you want to do here]?”
2
Decide what you want.^{[2]XResearch source} Do you want to stay out with friends beyond the time your parents want you to be home? Do you want to buy a pair of hundred-dollar jeans but your parents will only spring for fifty-dollar jeans? Think about what your folks are proposing and ask yourself if there’s an alternative to their decision that would make you happier. If there is, suggest it to your parents and explain why.
- Your counteroffer is probably what you originally intended to do before your parents curtailed your decision.
- For instance, perhaps your plan was to go out with your friends until midnight. Before you could express this to your parents, they informed you that you were to be home by 10:00. When they inform you that you’re to be home at 10:00, gently and patiently respond, “Oh, I was planning to be out until midnight. Is that okay?” With luck, they will accept your counteroffer, and there will be no need to compromise. If they do not accept it, however, you’ll need to think about developing a compromise.
- Do not develop a counteroffer long after your parents express what they want. If you wait, they might feel that their initial decision has been “set in stone” and be unwilling to waver on it.
When dealing with an issue or rule which is long-term or permanent, your parents will be unwilling to make compromises.^{[3]XResearch source} For instance, where there are hard rules such as no drinking, no drugs, and no driving the Lamborghini, you should not bother trying to compromise. Where compromise is not an option, you should comply accordingly.^{[4]XResearch source} Doing so will build trust with your parents and make them more disposed toward compromising on other, more debatable topics.
4
Identify where compromise is likely to work.^{[5]XResearch source} The more closely a compromise approaches the conditions preferred by your parents, the more likely it will be to succeed. For instance, if you want to go out until midnight but your folks want you home at 9:00, you’ll have greater luck getting them to compromise for a curfew of 10:00 than 11:00, and more likely to get them to agree to an 11:00 than to a midnight curfew.
- The specific conditions of the compromise determine its efficacy. If you’re out on a school night, for instance, you will be less likely to get an extended curfew than if it’s a Friday or Saturday. Think about the specific conditions under which you are compromising in order to develop a logical argument with which to make your case.
^{[6]XResearch source} Maybe you feel poorly and wanted the day off of school, but your parents wanted you to go the whole day. A perfect, down-the-middle compromise would be for you to go half a day. But if you can convince your parents to let you take the first two periods off, call it a win and don’t feel obligated to keep pushing for a half day off.
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Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Discussing the Compromise

The best time to have a serious talk is after dinner.^{[7]XResearch source} Asking for your parents to consider a compromise in the morning is folly. Around breakfast time, everyone -- including you, probably -- is scrambling to get out the door to work or school. Asking for a compromise, laying out your reasoning, and conducting the back-and-forth conversation which compromise entails is difficult or impossible when you ask for one in the morning. For this reason, choose a time in the late evening when everyone is winding down and has time for contemplation.
2
Choose the right place to discuss the compromise. Choose a quiet, well-lit room so as to focus attention on the conversation itself. Do not try to talk to your parents while they are working on the computer or talking on their phone. Ensure you have their undivided attention before asking for a compromise. Arrange some chairs in a tight circle, enough for everyone who is part of the compromise.
- For instance, if your compromise is for you and your sister to do something together, your parents, your sister, and you all need to be seated.
- Try to always include everyone who the compromise affects in the conversation. If, for some reason such as time constraints, you cannot have all affected parties present when you discuss the compromise, keep an empty chair in the circle in order for each of you to think about what the absent individual would think or say about the proposed compromise.
- For instance, if your sister can’t make it to the compromise talk but you and your parents can, keep an empty chair in the circle in order to represent her and her potential wishes. As you discuss the various facets of the compromise, ask of each, “What would [your sister’s name] think about that?”^{[8]XResearch source}
- It can also be good to seek a compromise on something while in the car with your parents. The car is a relatively quiet, enclosed space where you’re ensured direct access to them. Ensure the car ride is long enough for you to lay out your vision for a compromise.^{[9]XResearch source}
3
Don’t try to compromise when you’re angry.^{[10]XResearch source} If your parents refuse to compromise on something and you feel yourself becoming frustrated, don’t try to continue compromising. Walk away from the conversation for awhile and think about how you can approach the situation from another angle.
- For instance, if you feel your face start to flush with rage when discussing when you need to be home at night, take a few deep breaths and retreat to your room, or go for a walk. After clearing your head, try to develop an alternative compromise or word the compromise differently.
4
Always be respectful.^{[11]XResearch source} Do not yell, shout, stamp your feet, or throw things at your mom and dad. This will make them indisposed to compromising with you. Stay calm and demonstrate that you understand their point of view.
- Open the negotiations to compromise with the following: “Thank you for allowing me this audience. I am interested in proposing a compromise on the matter of [issue at hand]. While I respect and understand your initial decision, I believe that if we can reach a compromise, we can arrive at a solution in which we both get what we want.”^{[12]XResearch source} At that point, you can launch into the specific details of your compromise.
- When your parents accept a compromise, thank them sincerely for their flexibility and understanding. Parents love feeling appreciated.
- Failing to be respectful -- for instance, by telling your parents they’re being dumb or annoying -- may scuttle any hopes of your compromise being accepted or even considered.
If your initial compromise doesn’t work, try to think of a way to turn the situation more favorably in your direction. For instance, if you want to stay out until one and your parents want you home at 10, they might refuse your initial compromise to stay out until 11:30. Instead, offer to come home at 10 every night the rest of the week if you can stay out until one just this one night.
6
Enlist the help of a third party.^{[13]XResearch source} If you’re convinced that your parents’ rules are truly draconian and over-the-top, you may be able to sway their decision with aid from someone else. Think of this person as a mediator on your behalf. You might get help from another family member, a teacher, a therapist or conflict mediator, or a clergy member who is close to your family.
- Before enlisting help, be sure that your parents’ rules are overly strict. If they are reasonable and you seek help in dealing with them, you’ll look immature or insincere.
Don’t try to force a compromise on every demand your parents make or they may become impatient with you. If you feel kind of tired one night and your parents ask you to be home at 10 instead of 11 like you planned, accept their request and head home at ten. It’s only an hour, and you’ll probably be ready to hit the hay by then anyway since you’re already tired.
Comparative reasoning involves comparing your case to a similar case in order to justify a reasonable compromise.^{[14]XResearch source} For instance, if your parents insist you come home at 10 each night but your brother, who is of a similar age, is allowed to come home at one or two, you could compare your own situation to his to demonstrate how unfairly you’re being treated. Recognizing that your brother is being treated differently than you are might sway their decision in your favor.
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Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Following Through on the Compromise

1
Make a plan to keep your end of the deal. Once a compromise has been reached, you’ll need to hold up your end of the bargain.^{[15]XResearch source} Having a roadmap with which to get you through the compromise with your parents is a big step toward making it happen.
- For instance, if you decided to be home at 9:00 instead of 11:00, write it in marker on your calendar (“PARTY TONIGHT UNTIL 9:00!”). Set your phone and/or watch with an alarm for 8:30 or a point in time from which you can make it home by 9:00. Ask a friend to remind you when the clock strikes 8:30 so that you’ll know you need to go.
2
Remember the motivation behind the compromise.^{[16]XResearch source} There are a couple reasons why you should keep your end of the compromise. Doing so will make your parents more likely to compromise with you again in the future. On top of that, you’ll feel good when you keep your word and meet your parents’ expectations.
- Breaking your promise to your mom and dad will make them doubt your maturity and ability to compromise on other issues. Your parents will likely be angrier than they might normally be since from their point of view, they were showing leniency in their decision to compromise
^{[17]XResearch source} Do not agree to a compromise you know you cannot or will not keep. If you are going to a ball game that starts at 8:30 and the compromise you worked out with the folks designates a curfew of 9:00, you probably won’t be coming home on time. A broken compromise won’t make your parents happy. For that reason, only make compromises that you will try your best to fulfill.
4
Be honest about your ability to meet the compromise. If your situation changes or you doubt you can fulfill your end of the bargain, let your parents know. If you come to them in good faith asking for a modification of the compromise, they will probably understand.^{[18]XResearch source}
- For instance, perhaps you’re going to a party with a friend. You compromised with your parents to let you stay out until 11:00 instead of your usual bedtime, 9:00. But you find out that your friend who was supposed to give you a ride home is drunk, so you won’t be able to get home until your other friend leaves closer to 11:30.
- Call your parents as soon as you find out the new information and ask them to let you stay out later. As good parents, they will surely not insist that you get a ride home with a drunk friend just so you fulfill the terms of the compromise.
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Tips

Most parents try to make decisions which they believe are of benefit to their children. Do not begrudge your parents for setting limits and making rules for your behavior.
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Organize your plan before you talk with your parents about it. Have all necessary details sorted out.
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Be prepared to give more than you initially bargained for.
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Warnings

This might not work every time, and if it doesn't then you may have to accept your parents’ decision. Doing so, however, shows maturity, and may make your parents see that you’re ready for greater autonomy.
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