This article was co-authored by Deb Schneider, LCSW, PPSC. Deb Schneider is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker in private practice in Oakland, CA, and a Program Manager for the Weiland Health Initiative at Stanford University. With over 15 years of experience, she specializes in creating safe spaces, respectful of marginalized identities, at the high school and college levels. Deb holds a Bachelor’s degree in Sociology and Women's Studies from Clark University and a Master of Social Work (MSW) with Health Concentration from the University of California, Berkeley School of Social Welfare.
Coming out to anyone can be nerve-wracking, especially if it's your best friend. While true best friends will accept you regardless of who you are, you may not know your best friend's views on LGBTQ identity or may live in an area where acceptance isn't widespread. As long as you know that the person you're coming out to will accept you no matter what, though, it's often just a matter of getting the words out at the right time.
Steps
Remember who your real friends are. If you're only just coming out for one of the first few times, you don't want to tell your best friend if you know they're the type of person to tell everyone what you told them. If your best friend is notorious for loud, dramatic reactions and telling everyone what others tell them, it may be best to hold off on telling them, if you choose to tell them at all.
Keep in mind that your best friend is your best friend for a reason. They care about you more than anyone, and will be always there to support you. Some friends might have trouble taking this news however. Most kind people will get over the initial surprise and embrace you for you.Advertisement
Decide the right time and place. You want the both of you to be relaxed and happy when you come out. Perhaps go shopping or have a packed picnic at the park. Pick some place that you both know and enjoy at a time when you will not be interrupted.- If they are in a bad mood, it might be best to wait for a different day to tell them. Enjoy your time out instead.
Write down what you want to say. Don't forget to discuss feelings and why you think you are queer. Speak from the heart. If you're at a lost for words, pretend you are speaking to yourself in a mirror in your own bathroom. Express your true feelings, it will be better once you do.
Come out. Keep focused—you have already decided to come out to your best friend, and now is the time to act. Don't let fear stop you now, just put one foot in front of the other until you have come out. Remember to breathe, take out your notes if you are anxious, and remember that they are your best friend. Stay positive and don't worry too much or you may find yourself unable to tell them.- When coming out about sexuality, may be wise to let them know how you feel about them, too, to avoid confusion. If you love them like a best friend, make sure to them tell them so, but if you love them like a partner, take it really slowly in telling them. Watch their reactions.
- When coming out about gender, tell them the pronouns and name you want them to use for you.
Give them time to accept you. Even great pro-equality people might be surprised by the news. It might take them a little bit of time to understand, so let them ask questions and show them that sexuality or gender is not a taboo topic between the two of you.
Move forward. If they respond positively, then they can help you and maybe even be there for you to tell your parents, if you haven't already. If they respond negatively, remember that you might have lost a friend but you have gained confidence to be able to come out to others. If your friend refuses to accept your sexuality, then you would be better off without them.- Don't ever be afraid to show someone who you really are. Loving someone—no matter what gender or sexuality—is perfectly normal and don't let anyone else tell you otherwise.
- They may not take it well, but you know who you are and you have gained confidence to tell others who and what you are. Be proud of who you are.
- You should know that you can take as much time as you need to decide your identity and that preferences change over time.[1]
- Coming out can be difficult. So it is necessary to find ways to support yourself.[2]
- It is better to come out to someone supportive and can help you to come out to people who are not as supportive.[3]
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