How to Calm Someone Down After a Breakup

When a close friend ends a relationship, they can feel very intense emotions and may be devastated. You are likely one of the first people they will contact afterwards so you play a very important role. Consoling someone who is very upset can be difficult, but if you lend an ear, help get their mind off the breakup, and work with them on moving forward, you can help your friend through this hard time.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Listening to Your Friend

1
Offer your friend support. When we see the people we love hurt or upset, it can be tempting to immediately begin providing them with advice on how to fix their problems, even if they are not looking for a fix. Sometimes we get so caught up in problem solving that we don’t allow them to actually discuss the problem. Give your friend the space and the comfort to be able to discuss the breakup at length until they have gotten it off of their chest. Do not try to tell them what to do, just allow them to talk.^{[1]XResearch source}
- For example, if your friend says that their ex cheated several times, don’t say something like “well, you should have left him once you knew he was a flirt.” ‘Should haves’ will be counterproductive in this conversation.
2
Let them cry. Your friend may be sad to the point of tears and that is okay. Crying is an important part of the process of grieving and you should allow them to cry without trying to silence or stop them. Typically when someone cries, people are quick to say “aww, don’t cry!” but this is unhelpful. Crying allows them to release their sadness and can be cathartic for many.^{[2]XResearch source}
- Provide them with a tissue if you have some on hand.
- If you know that crying is difficult for the person, then try to let them know that it is okay to cry. For example, you can say something like, “It’s okay. Just let it out.”
- Cry with them if you feel so inclined!
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3
Say ‘what else?’ Though your friend is looking for a shoulder to cry on, they are likely cognizant of the fact that you may feel overwhelmed or even bored with them talking at length about the breakup. Even if you are beginning to feel those things, you should instead strive for empathy for your friend. Instead of saying “are you done now?” say “what else?” instead to encourage them to get everything off of their chest.^{[3]XResearch source}
- Remember that you would want this same courtesy if you were going through a breakup. Try to be understanding.
4
Be open-minded and don’t judge. Perhaps you hated your friend’s ex and are thankful that they have finally broken up. Perhaps your friend’s ex was a jerk or abusive. Despite the things that they did and your own personal feelings about them, this is a person that your friend cared for a great deal. All the things that they did do not negate how your friend feels, and that is what you should try to focus on and understand. Listen to them without judgment and try to understand where they are coming from.^{[4]XResearch source}
- Think back on all the times that you have been foolish and in love. You probably did some things that your friend thought were unreasonable but did not need to be judged for it. Practice empathy and understanding with your friend.
5
Validate their feelings. Instead of trying to downplay the relationship or make them feel better immediately, tell them that you understand why they feel that way. Remind them that this devastation is normal and natural when a relationship dissolves and that you understand their hurt.^{[5]XResearch source}
- You might say “I know you are so hurt. I know how much you loved your ex. Breakups really suck.”^{[6]XResearch source}
6
Boost them up. Your friend is probably feeling at their lowest at this point. They may be feeling a lack of self esteem, particularly if their ex was verbally abusive. In addition to being listened to, your friend likely needs a boost of confidence. Remind your friend of how wonderful they are and that this breakup does not alter that in the slightest.^{[7]XResearch source}
- You might say something like “I just want you to know that even in this difficult time, you are still one of the most wonderful people I know and I’m so lucky to be your friend.”
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Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Getting Their Mind Off Things

1
Get them out and about. After you have sat and listened to your friend at length about their hurt and you feel that you have reached a proper endpoint in the conversation, now is the time to get them out of the house for a bit and spend some time doing something to get their mind off the breakup temporarily.
- You might go see a movie together; make sure it’s not a romantic movie. That might upset them.
- Go out shopping for a bit or to a bookstore. Anything to divert their attention from their heartache.
- Be sure to remind them that you are still there for them if they need to talk now and then.
Your friend might need a lot of emotional support during this time. Invite them to spend a few days at your house or go and stay with them. You can binge out on junk food and watch movies together. This will prevent your friend from being alone and sinking even further into sadness.
3
Take care of yourselves together. After a breakup, people tend to take care of themselves rather poorly. Help your friend begin feeling better by encouraging them to take care of themselves and making a day of it together. It’s never a bad time to do a little self care for yourself, too.
- Go get haircuts or get your hair done together.
- Go get a massage or have a spa day.
- Get pedicures or manicures.
4
Exercise together. One great way to help your friend relieve some stress (and to relieve some of your own) is to go to the gym together. Pumping some iron or running on the treadmill can help your friend get out some of their negative energy. Also, when you work out, endorphins are released which trigger happiness in us.^{[8]XResearch source}
- If you don’t want to go to the gym, go for a walk or a run instead.
- If your friend starts to feel better from the exercise, be sure to remind them that it is okay to feel good in spite of what they are going through.
5
Buy them dinner. Again, your friend is probably not taking the best care of themselves right now. Don’t let them forget to do the things they need to do that are necessities. Often times when a person is very sad, they might lose their appetite. However, you should encourage them to continue eating regularly. One way you can do that is to cook them a meal or bring them dinner from their favorite restaurant.^{[9]XResearch source}
- This will make them feel special and cared for.
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Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Helping your Friend Move Forward

1
Delete their ex’s number. After you have talked to your friend and taken them out to get their mind off of the breakup, they will likely begin soliciting advice from you about how to move on. The first bit of advice you can give to them is to help them develop a plan to get over their ex, with the first step being to delete their number.^{[10]XExpert SourceAmy Chan
Relationship CoachExpert Interview. 1 May 2019.} This will reduce the risk of them calling them in a moment of weakness.
- You can also program your own number under their exes contact info so if they do get the temptation, they will call you instead.
2
Create a plan of no contact. Beyond just phone calls, however, there are other ways for your friend to keep in contact with their ex. Help them to disentangle themselves from these possible sources of weakness. Have your friend to deactivate their social media for a while or to even consider blocking their ex if the breakup was particularly bad.^{[11]XResearch source}^{[12]XExpert SourceAmy Chan
Relationship CoachExpert Interview. 1 May 2019.}
- Remind them that if they feel weak, they can always reach out to you.
3
Remind them of why it didn’t work. Your friend will likely become weak at some point and begin either regretting their decision to breakup or wanting to get back together with their ex. Encourage your friend to think about the situation reasonably and think about why they broke up in the first place. There are certain behaviors that are never acceptable in a relationship like being abused or cheated on. If those behaviors were present, discourage them from reconnecting with their ex, but do so gently.
- You might say something like “remember that you broke up because he disrespected your mother. Don’t just remember him for the good he did, remember the bad, too.”
4
Tell them you’ll always be there. Though your friend has lost their significant other, they may feel that they have lost a close friend, too. Sometimes we tell our significant others more intimate things that we even tell our best friends. Remind your friend that though they are going through a loss, they have not lost you.
- Say “I want you to know that I am here for you through thick and thin. I know you are feeling very down but anytime you need me, I’m there.”
- You may also want to help them brainstorm some of the other people they can reach out to when they need someone.
5
Help them find things to fill their time. You must remember that, however, you can’t ALWAYS be there. Empower you friend to seek out new hobbies and activities to fill their time so they aren’t either obsessing over their ex or calling you constantly. Neither behavior is healthy.
- Encourage them to try something new like a new sport or instrument or perhaps even learning a new language.
- Ask them if there is something they always wanted to do but didn’t have the time.
6
Call for backup. Remember that you, in and of yourself, cannot cure your friend. You are not their savior; they have to save themselves. However, everyone needs a little help along the way. Call your other mutual friend in for support for both you and your friend during this time. Your friend needs to be surrounded by people who love and care for them during this time.
- You might call your mutual friend and say something like “Hey, I’m here with ____ now and things aren’t looking so great. Can you come over and maybe bring some ice cream and a movie?”
- Pay attention if your friends has any cuts, or begins to engage in risky behaviors such as drinking or using drugs. Consider their past history, and assess if there is any reason to worry that they might harm themselves. If so, make sure you reach out to an adult, such as parent or teacher, or contact a suicide prevention hotline, such as the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline if you're in the United States, which can be reached by calling or texting 988^{[13]XTrustworthy SourceNational Suicide Prevention LifelineSuicide prevention network operating a toll-free 24/7 hotline for anyone experiencing suicidal thoughts or emotional distressGo to source}, or the Suicide Crisis Helpline if you're in Canada, which can also be reached by calling or texting 988.^{[14]XResearch source}
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