How to Boost Your Self Esteem by Being Honest

If you’ve ever suffered from low self-esteem you’ve probably heard the advice, “Just learn to love yourself.” But, what exactly does that mean? To boost your self-confidence and love yourself, you will first need to be honest. Being forthright with other people will allow you to defend your own interests while letting people know the ‘real’ you. Being honest with yourself will remove a ton of social pressure and permit you to seek out true happiness. Embracing honesty is not always easy, but it is well worth it in the long run.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Being Honest with Yourself

1
Recognize your achievements.^{[1]XExpert SourceMoshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family TherapistExpert Interview. 7 August 2019.} At the end of every day, before you go to sleep, think about all that you’ve accomplished. Try to pick out one moment that makes you particularly proud, it can be something as simple as finally understanding a song lyric. By celebrating your day in a positive way, you are acknowledging and validating your contributions to the wider world.
- Keep and frame any awards or certificates that you receive, even if they feel minor. Hang them in your bedroom, if you want, but display them nonetheless. These displays will remind you of what you can do.
2
Identify your imperfections. Accept the fact that you are not perfect-no one is. The more that you try to hide your flaws the more people will possess the ability to wound, and diminish, you. At the end of each day think about what you could have done differently. Say, “This is how I will act next time.” Making a game plan turns your perceived weaknesses into strengths.^{[2]XResearch source}
- Try to laugh off your flaws. If you burnt all the cookies for local bake sale, admit it and say, “I’m not good at baking, but I’m good at buying. These store-bought ones look great to me!”
- If you have a more serious flaw, such as an aggressive temper, recognizing this weakness will allow you to lessen its impact. For example, you can tell yourself to hold for five seconds before responding to a comment if it angers you.
3
Stretch yourself. Recognize your boundaries and push them.^{[3]XExpert SourceMoshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family TherapistExpert Interview. 7 August 2019.} Then, look back and honestly assess what you have done. You never really know what you are capable of until you push yourself. To be honest about your limits, you must discover them first.^{[4]XResearch source}
- Don’t succumb to peer pressure and do something that makes you uncomfortable under the guise of challenging yourself. Finding your true limits only works if you approach it as your own personal goal. For example, if a group of friends urges you to scale an outdoor rock face with them and it terrifies you, try an indoor rock wall first.
4
Monitor your internal dialogue. Don’t beat yourself up mentally. Keep your thoughts positive and forward-looking. If you feel as if you are straying into negative territory, visualize a stop sign and imagine stopping and turning around, heading in a better direction.^{[5]XResearch source}
- If you have a bad day at work, instead of thinking, “I hate my life,” say, “I’m not sure this job is for me. What can I do to change it?”
5
Pay attention to your body. Be honest about what your body needs and what it doesn’t. Don’t lie to yourself and pretend that certain behaviors are okay if they are destructive. Eat three balanced healthy meals a day, exercise at least three times a week, and allow yourself plenty of rest.^{[6]XResearch source}
- Resting is especially important because it gives your body a chance to recharge itself. It is also important for managing stress over time.^{[7]XTrustworthy SourceAmerican Psychological AssociationLeading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologistsGo to source} Aim for around 7 to 9 hours of sleep per night and, if you are able, you might even consider taking a quick nap (around 20 to 30 minutes) during the day to help fight fatigue.
- Not using drugs, avoiding drinking alcohol to excess, and quitting smoking are other actions that will elevate your health and boost your self-esteem. You might say to yourself, “If I’m honest with myself and care about myself, I really should stop drinking like this.”
6
Give yourself a break. If you feel overwhelmed, identify what is causing that feeling and step away from it for a bit. So, if work is stressing you out, you may want to plan a vacation or take regular lunch breaks away from the office. Taking a break is about investing in yourself, an action which elevates your self-esteem.
- You may also need to take a break from social media or technology entirely. Ask yourself, “Do I feel smothered by being available all the time?” If you answer “yes,” then put the phone away.
- Maximum health benefits are created by taking at least one break every two hours. These so-called “mini-breaks” boost productivity and positive emotions.^{[8]XResearch source}
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Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Being Honest with Others

1
Express appreciation. Recognize the important role that other people play in your life. Go to your closest family, friends, and colleagues, and tell them a simple, “Thank you.” By acknowledging these relationships, you are being honest about your allies and making these ties stronger as a result.^{[9]XResearch source}
- You may feel vulnerable when talking to someone in this way and that is perfectly normal. You can even acknowledge that feeling by saying, “I know I’m putting myself out there, but I really do appreciate what you do for me.”
- Don’t be afraid to reach out to acquaintances as well. Sending a quick thank you note can win you a new friend, which is always good for your self-esteem.
2
Be direct.^{[10]XExpert SourceMoshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family TherapistExpert Interview. 7 August 2019.} When you tell ‘white lies’ you may be attempting to shield someone from a painful truth but, in the end, you can cause much more damage. Instead, try to tactfully provide the truth. For example, if a friend asks your opinion on a movie they enjoyed, but that you disliked, you could say, “It wasn’t really for me, but there were some good parts.” You will eventually gain a reputation as a forthright person who speaks their mind, regardless of repercussions.^{[11]XResearch source}
- These small omissions add up over time and can create entire alternate realities between people. You don’t want relationships built on lies, even well-intentioned ones.
- Avoiding ‘white lies’ doesn’t give you a license to be rude or mean-spirited. Try to pair more biting truths with a gentle opening phrase, such as, “I know that you worked really hard on this project, but it’s still missing too many critical details.”
3
Find positive role models. Think about someone who you admire for their honesty and forthright character. Spend time with this person and watch how they emphasize the positive or handle uncomfortable situations. You could even ask them, “Why do you think honesty is important?”
- If you are younger, a parent might seem the obvious choice, but try to be objective in evaluating their honesty. For example, you might ask yourself, “Have they ever told me to cheat or lie?” If so, they may not be the best choice.^{[12]XResearch source}
4
Avoid drawing comparisons. It is natural to size yourself up against other people. However, if it gets to the point where you think about others more than you do about yourself, it has gone too far. Recognize that all comparisons of this sort are inaccurate and really pointless.
- Instead of dwelling on the achievements of others, look for real ways that you can improve your situation. Take that dream job or go on that trip you’ve been putting off.^{[13]XResearch source}
5
Stand up for yourself. There is no better feeling than when you realize that you actually did something to protect yourself in the midst of an attack. By asserting your right to be treated fairly, you are teaching people what you will and will not accept. This will boost your self-esteem because you are defining personal limits.
- It is normal to want to fit in and to crave acceptance, but letting yourself be pushed around by other people is not blending in, it is disappearing. Don’t’ be afraid to be visible. For example, if your boss passes you over for a promotion that you deserve, approach them and ask about it.^{[14]XResearch source}
- Your friends may occasionally make degrading comments as well. Let them know that it is not okay by stating, “I don’t know why you would say that, but it’s hurtful and wrong.”
6
Say no.^{[15]XExpert SourceMoshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family TherapistExpert Interview. 7 August 2019.} Being eager to help out others is a positive quality until it damages your well-being. If you agree to every opportunity that comes along, you run a risk of being overcommitted and stressed. And, you may involve yourself in activities that you don’t really care about to the detriment of those things you are passionate about.^{[16]XResearch source}
- Politely turn down an offer by stating, “This is a really great project, but I’m totally booked up at the moment.”
- Remember that you are the only one who truly knows your time constraints. Let your language reflect your confidence in your ability to make the right choice. Instead of saying, “I don’t think I can,” you might state, “I really can’t, I’m sorry.”
7
Distance yourself from negative persons. Sit down and think about your friends and family. Ask yourself, “How does this person make me feel? Do they treat me good or bad?” Pessimistic or negative people often blend in with your other friends, gradually poisoning your mindset and ruining your day. Weed them out by limiting your time around them, slowly reducing it to zero.^{[17]XResearch source}
- Just because someone is negative doesn’t mean they aren’t exciting. Remember, though, that this excitement may involve putting others down and that isn’t good for anyone.
- Complainers are dangerous because they will gradually turn you away from things that you used to enjoy. Nip this in the bud by saying something like, “Well, this park is beautiful to me, so let’s just leave it at that.”
8
Avoid gossiping. Rumors are often built on half-truths and exaggerations. Embracing honesty means moving away from gossip, in all its forms. When you do this you will find that you have much more interesting conversations about real things that are going on around you, not fake ones.
- One of the problems with gossip is that it is not entirely abstract, it does actually effect people’s lives in a negative way. For example, if someone is rumored to be dating the boss (even if it is untrue) it could lead to them becoming a social outcast in the workplace.^{[18]XResearch source}
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Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Understanding and Moving Forward from your Past

Look back into your past and ask, “Who was the last person who lied to you? How did that make you feel?” You will most likely recall feeling betrayed, hurt, angry, or even confused. Then, ask yourself, “Do you want to create these emotions in other people?” Repeat this exercise every time you are tempted to lie to someone "for their own sake."^{[19]XResearch source}
If you look at your thoughts honestly, you will find that many of your observations were taken from other people. Maybe you like the way this outfit looks, but your sister said she hated it on you, so you no longer wear it. By continuing to claim these thoughts as your own, you are weakening your self-esteem.^{[20]XResearch source}
3
Apologize. If you can think of a specific person who suffered as a result of your lies, approach them and offer a quick (but sincere) apology. It's best to start your new path with a clean slate. This will also allow you to move away from feelings of guilt, a damaging emotion for your self-esteem.
- If you lied to a co-worker, you might say, "I know I said that the project would be completed in two weeks. That is incorrect. It may take up to double that amount of time. I'm sorry I gave you the wrong information."
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Question
How can I be honest with myself?
Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family Therapist
Moshe Ratson is the Executive Director of spiral2grow Marriage & Family Therapy, a coaching and therapy clinic in New York City. Moshe is an International Coach Federation accredited Professional Certified Coach (PCC). He received his MS in Marriage and Family Therapy from Iona College. Moshe is a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT), and a member of the International Coach Federation (ICF).
Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family Therapist
Expert Answer
Make sure that you recognize your accomplishments and imperfections so you can put them into perspective. Know that you have to accept any consequences associated with your actions as well.
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Tips

Relax. That is the most important thing in order to feel comfortable in your own skin. Take deep breaths, meditate, practice yoga, do whatever makes you feel happy.
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Warnings

Continue to treat other persons with respect. Treat others as you would want them to treat you, but still let them know that they can't hurt you.
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Being honest doesn't mean that you have to share all your secrets. Remember that there are immature people who will take advantage of that honesty.
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