How to Bond With Small Children

Forming a healthy bond with a child is not only extremely beneficial for the child, but can also be a positive experience for the adult. Whether you are a parent (biological, step, adoptive, foster), mentor, teacher, coach, etc., remember that it is never too late to form a bond with a child. If you are willing to be persistent and patient you can do it.

Method 1

Method 1 of 4:

Establishing Trust

1
Be honest. It’s okay to admit when you don’t know the answer or even that something had you a little scared. Children, especially older ones, can sense insincerity. Being honest with children lets them know that you are authentic and that they can trust you, which is one of the biggest part of forming a bond. It also sets an example for how you would like them to be with you.
- For example, tell them that you’re honestly a little nervous about getting to know them.
- If a child asks you about something difficult, traumatic, or scary that they see or hear about, then be honest and age-appropriate about the situation.
2
Don’t divulge everything. Although you should be honest with young children as much as possible, sometimes children will ask you things that are a little too personal, or about a topic that is too mature for their age. Sometimes they do this out of genuine curiosity, sometimes just as a “test” to see how much you will tell them.
- If a child asks you something that you aren’t comfortable answering, then try saying, “that’s a conversation for another day” or, “Wow! That’s a really big question. I need some time to think about that”.
- You can also say, “I'm honestly not comfortable talking about that right now.”
3
Admit your mistakes. Doing so sets a good example for children and strengthens your bond with them in several ways. It lets them know that you are human and relatable. It also demonstrates to them that it is okay to mess up, as well as how to handle it.
- Don’t let a fear of making a mistake with or around the child stop you from bonding with them. If you make mistake, it just shows them that you are human.
- For example, you might try saying, “I made a mistake. I thought I was supposed to do it this way, but I wasn’t”.
4
Don’t take it personally. Children are known for saying things that can be insensitive, rude, and just plain mean. Taking it personally can cause you to develop resentment toward the child which would definitely prevent you from bonding. Let the child know that it is not okay, but don’t let it hurt your feelings or make you angry.
- Often, especially with younger children, they don’t realize that what they are saying is hurting. Gently let them know that what they said was not okay. If needed give them another way to say it.
- Older children may do it intentionally as part of acting out, or even just because they are experiencing natural hormone changes that are making them moody.
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Method 2

Method 2 of 4:

Getting to Know Them

1
Ask them questions. Young children usually like talking in general, and especially like talking about themselves. Get to know them by asking them questions about their likes, dislikes, interests, etc.^{[1]XResearch source} You don't have to grill them, but you can ask them a few questions to learn more about them.
- Ask open-ended questions that have multiple parts.
- For example, “What's your favorite cartoon and why?”
- Try asking, “What was the most interesting part of your day? What made it interesting?”
Games designed to help people get to know one another better are great to use with young children. They allow you to get to know more about each other and they are fun, which can relieve some of the tension. Try ‘Would You Rather’. Take turns choosing between two outrageous options. For example, would you rather be able to turn invisible or be super fast.
3
Pay attention. One easy way to bond with young children is to notice what they play with, what decorates their room, etc. and talk about those things. Pay attention to the things that are important to them to learn more about them or get ideas for things to talk about.^{[2]XResearch source}
- What books are they reading? TV shows do they watch?
- What colors do they like to wear? What snack do they really enjoy?
- What time of day (or night) ate they most energetic?
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Method 3

Method 3 of 4:

Developing Mutual Respect

1
Set boundaries. As the adult, you should warn or stop a child that is doing something inappropriate or unsafe. Children naturally look to adults to set boundaries and feel as though adults care about them when they do set boundaries.
- Set boundaries in terms of their behavior and actions, as well as for yourself.
- Remember that part of being a child is testing those boundaries.
2
Show respect. Children of all ages like being treated respectfully. Avoid talking to the child in a patronizing manner, ignoring them, etc.^{[3]XResearch source} Talk to them with respect and show them respect through your actions to foster a good bond with them.
- Knock on the door of older children before entering their room. You don’t have to wait too long to enter, but do give them respect of knocking before you open the door.
- Discipline them with compassion and with consideration for their dignity.
- Ask for their input on things so that they will know you respect their opinion.
3
Encourage them. This is one of the best ways to develop a bond with children. Encouraging them shows them that you are interested in them and care about them, and it also builds their self-esteem.^{[4]XResearch source} Don’t just tell them encouraging words, but encourage them with your actions as well.
- Be specific when giving them praise. For example, “You did a really good job with the expressions on the faces in this picture”.
- Attend their events, programs, etc. to let them know that you support them.
- Make sure you encourage them when things are difficult for them, as well. Remind them that they can do it.
A true, lasting bond will take some time to build, don’t expect it to happen overnight. In fact, rushing or forcing the bond will more than likely make the child nervous and uncomfortable with you. Give the bond time to form naturally.^{[5]XResearch source}
While you do have to set boundaries, be willing to change plans, try a new way, or make a special exception when appropriate. Flexibility is actually a necessity when interacting with children. For example, you may have planned a day for the two of at the museum, but the child may have too much energy for that and a day at the park might be a better idea.
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Method 4

Method 4 of 4:

Spending Quality Time Together

This doesn’t just mean physically present, but mentally present, as well. Dedicate some time to spend with the child with no distractions. Being present in the moment when you spend time with children lets them know that you care and allows you to really get to know them.^{[6]XResearch source}
2
Talk and listen. Communicating with a child is one of the easiest ways to bond while you are spending time with a child. Allow the child to lead the conversation, answer their questions, ask questions of your own, and listen attentively to their responses.
- Try to talk frequently, even if only for a short time. In this case, quantity can help improve quality.
- Really listen to what they are saying instead of thinking about what you will say next (or anything else).
Create a new ritual, tradition, or routine together. This shared and repeated activity creates a sense of continuity and unity between you and the child.^{[7]XResearch source} For example, make up a greeting; develop a bedtime routine; or take a weekly walk together.
4
Let them choose what you do. Allowing the child to select the activity allows you to experience life from their perspective. This may mean you will have to try things you haven’t done before (or maybe not quite in this way), but it lets the child know you are interested in them and willing to step out of your comfort zone for them.
- Don’t try it just to impress them. Children of all ages will see through that. Try it because you are genuinely interested in experiencing something the child likes.
- Doing something that they enjoy allows them to feel a little more relaxed and comfortable as they get to know you better.
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Expert Q&A

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How should I interact with small children?
Elizabeth Weiss, PsyD
Clinical Psychologist
Dr. Elizabeth Weiss is a licensed clinical psychologist in Palo Alto, California. She received her Psy.D. in 2009 at Palo Alto University's PGSP-Stanford PsyD Consortium. She specializes in trauma, grief, and resilience, and helps people reconnect with their full self after difficult and traumatic experiences.
Elizabeth Weiss, PsyD
Clinical Psychologist
Expert Answer
Talk to the child's parents to determine appropriate boundaries. When you're bonding with a small child who isn't yours, it's really important to respect the parents' guidelines. That way, you don't violate any boundaries or unintentionally create conflict. When you do that, the parents will feel respected, so the child will feel safer with you. In that space, you can add a lot of love and care to a child's life that can help them grow and develop in ways they might not have otherwise.
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Tips

Remember that children are still learning to control their energy, emotions, and actions.
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Bonding happens because of small, normal, everyday interactions.
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Warnings

It may be harder for some children to bond with adults because of previous bad experiences. You may need to consult with a professional on specific strategies for this situation.
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Always respect the parents' guidelines if you're trying to bond with kids that aren't your own.^{[8]XExpert SourceElizabeth Weiss, PsyD
Clinical PsychologistExpert Interview. 26 July 2019.}
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