How to Be a Positive Role Model for Your Teenager

Teenagers need role models in their lives. Role models have been shown to help adolescents believe in themselves and commit to larger life-long goals.^{[1]XResearch source} With all the negative influences your teenager is exposed to, it's important to be the best role model you can be for your teenager. He or she may look to you for answers, guidance and protection. By bettering yourself and being more aware of your own actions and words, you can make a positive difference in your teenager's life.

Part 1

Part 1 of 4:

Living a Positive Lifestyle

1
Embody the characteristics of a positive role model. If you want to be a positive role model for your teen, you need to live a positive and influential lifestyle that your teen will want to emulate.^{[2]XResearch sourcewww.siue.edu/SIPDC/Library/lesson%20plan/global6.pdf} This may be defined differently by different parents. Generally speaking, as a positive role model you should strive to:
- work towards your own goals and have some sense of purpose
- commit to something positive in your own life
- show compassion and forgiveness towards others (including those you don't know)
- show honesty, humility, and a desire for peace
- admit when you're wrong or when you don't have the answers
2
Work for the common good of your community. Part of being a positive role model should involve setting a good example of how to be a productive member of society. That extends beyond a hard work ethic (though you should instill that in your teen as well). Try to make a positive impact on your community, and ask your teen if he/she would like to get involved with you.^{[3]XResearch sourcewww.siue.edu/SIPDC/Library/lesson%20plan/global6.pdf} Some positive ways you can improve your community include:
- organizing community-building activities like monthly potlucks, book swaps, and musical performances^{[4]XResearch source}
- learning about the issues that affect your community and your neighbors^{[5]XTrustworthy SourceKansas University Center for Community Health and DevelopmentCommunity-based research center focused on supporting public health development and educationGo to source}
- working with neighbors to develop short-term and long-term goals
- addressing your concerns to your city council
- organizing protests/boycotts to draw attention to community polluters, unscrupulous landlords, etc.
3
Learn healthy coping skills to get through challenges. As a positive role model, you'll need to follow your own advice and avoid getting into trouble. This starts with addressing how you handle challenges in life. Do you get angry? Do you tend to scream and swear, or engage in unhealthy coping methods like binge drinking? If so, you may be setting a bad example for your teen.
- Explore multiple approaches and solutions to your own problems and focus on finding the solution that works best.
- Use physical exercise to stay healthy and release stress. Go for a run, ride your bike, lift weights, or engage in some other form of physical fitness.
- Find your own hobbies and interests that are relaxing and fulfilling. You might try meditation, mindfulness, or something more physically engaging like solving puzzles.
- Try to focus on the positive aspects of a situation. No matter how frustrating a situation might be, remember that you have a lot to be thankful for in your life that others may not have.
- Seek out support from your teen, your partner, and your peers. This can set an excellent example for your teen when he/she experiences problems.
4
Exhibit a strong work ethic and dedication to responsibilities. Your teen should be able to see your accomplishments and recognize that they stemmed from your strong work ethic. If your teen doesn't seem to get the message, drop it into conversation from time to time. Say things like, "I really love our home, but I wouldn't have been able to provide for our family if I hadn't worked hard and shown determination/dedication."^{[6]XResearch source} Teach your teen the importance of hard work, both through your own example and through the lessons you impart on your teen.^{[7]XResearch source}
- Teach your teen the value of money and the importance of taking pride in a job well done.
- Have your teen get a summer job. This may be easier to start with than having your teen jump into working while he/she is still in school, which can distract from homework and studying.
- Be punctual, whether for work or for personal appointments. Teach your teen the importance of being punctual, and try to help him/her get places on time or early.
- Maintain a professional demeanor, and teach your teen to do the same. Be polite, respectful, and show integrity of character through honesty and a disdain for gossip.
- Be self-disciplined, both for work projects and tasks around the house. Teach your teen that if he/she can't stay motivated and self-disciplined, no one else is going to help.
5
Show an interest in education. Just as it's important to teach your teen a strong work ethic, it's also important to teach your teen that getting an education is important. There are a number of ways you can change your own habits to show your teen that you value an education and to set a good example for him/her.^{[8]XResearch source}
- Spend more time reading at home instead of watching TV. You can even try to institute family reading time where everyone in your household turns off the TV, silences their cellphones, and spends an hour or two reading their own books.
- Talk about issues surrounding education. If you have any friends who never graduated from school and are struggling with work, try privately bringing it up to your teen in an organic way.
- Say something like, "I'm worried about my friend Joe. He never graduated, and now he's having a really hard time finding work and making ends meet."
- Show your own interest in continuing education by enrolling in a class at your local community college. Your teen will see you taking time from your work and home life to prioritize schoolwork and may realize that he or she needs to do the same.
6
Teach your teen that it's okay to fail. As a parent, you obviously want your teen to succeed. However, it's important that you teach your teen that failure happens to the best of us. Show your teen that failure can be an excellent learning tool for figuring out how to do something right the next time, and make yourself open and vulnerable with your teen.^{[9]XResearch source}
- Failure is an unavoidable part of life. No one can succeed at everything all the time, and that's okay.
- Tell your teen about the times that you've failed. You can address academic failings, problems at work, behavioral problems/poor choices you've made, or difficulties you've had with your peers.
- Let your teen know what lessons you learned from your own difficulties, and put a positive spin on it.
- Remind your teen that you'll still love him/her, no matter what. Stress that it's okay to have difficulties, as long as you get something positive out of it.
- When your teen tells you about his/her difficulties, try to point out some kind of take-away message from the situation.
- By learning from a "failure," your teen isn't actually failing at all. He or she is growing and becoming better/stronger/smarter.
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Part 2

Part 2 of 4:

Taking an Interest In Your Teen's Life

1
Make yourself available to your teen. One of the best ways to be a positive role model for your teen is to make yourself available to him/her. Many teens pull away from their parents because they feel that their parents are too controlling, judgmental, or out of touch. By making yourself available, your teen will know that you can be approached for advice in the future.^{[10]XResearch source}
- Accept the way your teen feels, as long as those feelings are expressed in respectful ways.
- Don't lecture or nag your teen, and never try to make him/her feel guilty.
- Stop what you're doing and give your teen your full attention whenever he/she wants to talk to you.
- When your teen does want to talk, always be open and honest.
2
Talk to your teenager. Communication is important in any relationship, especially between a parent and a teenager. Talking may have come easier when your teen was a child, but you can and should still have meaningful conversations together - it may just have to be on your teen's own terms.^{[11]XResearch source}
- Ask how your teen is feeling, how his/her interests and activities are going, and if there's anything you can do to help.
- Make time to talk. Even if you have busy schedules, you might be able to find time for a good conversation while you're driving your teen to/from school or extracurricular activities.
- Keep your teen's confidences secret. Don't share them with other family members or friends, as this may violate your teen's trust.
3
Get to know your teen's friends. Part of being a positive role model for your teen involves ensuring that your teen has supportive and healthy relationships with his/her peers. You can do this without spying or snooping by simply talking to your teen and taking an active role in interacting with your teen's friends.^{[12]XTrustworthy SourceCenters for Disease Control and PreventionMain public health institute for the US, run by the Dept. of Health and Human ServicesGo to source}
- Make your teen's friends feel welcome in your home. Try to make your house the place where your teen hangs out with friends.
- If your teen is spending time outside the house, ask your teen where he/she will be, who else will be there, and when your teen will be home. You can also ask your teen to check in with you by phone.
- Make an effort to get to know your teen's friends, and try to get to know their parents as well.
- Don't turn your teen's friends away or prohibit your teen from hanging out with someone. Your teen will probably find a way to see that friend, so it's best to have them spend time in a safe, supervised setting.
- If you think one of your teen's friends is a bad influence, talk to your teen about it. Have a conversation with your teen about your concerns. For example, you might say, “I have noticed that your friend John yells at his mother a lot. What do you think of that?”
- Instead of outright prohibiting your teen to be friends with someone (which probably won't work), set safe limits on the friendship. Establish clear guidelines on acceptable behavior and let your teen know what you will and won't do if your teen gets into trouble.^{[13]XResearch source} For example, you might say something like, “I am not a fan of yelling, so make sure that that behavior does not rub off on you. Just to be clear, yelling like that will result in no video games for a week.”
4
Encourage a dedication to schoolwork. A lot of teens don't like school. This is normal, but the attitude you take towards your teen's studies may help reshape your teen's attitude about school. If your teen sees you taking an interest in his/her work and hears you talk about the value of an education, your teen might realize that his or her education is important to you.^{[14]XResearch source}
- Set school as a top priority by making your teen sit out from extracurricular activities until his/her schoolwork is finished and attendance or grades improve.
- Make sure your teen attends school everyday. You should also make sure your teen has done all of the necessary homework and studying for that day of class.
- Take an interest in your teen's schoolwork by asking questions. It can be as simple as asking your teen, "How was school today? What did your teacher think of the project you turned in?"
- Get involved with your teen's school. Help volunteer at school functions, go to parent/teacher meetings and PTA meetings, and stay in touch with the school to let the teachers know you can be reached if your teen struggles in any subjects.
5
Be supportive of your teenager. Support is important for developing teens. Not only do they need supportive and understanding parents, they need supporting and understanding role models as well.
- Remember that most teens go through experimental phases. Let your teen try out different identities/personas, and be supportive rather than critical or disapproving.^{[15]XResearch source}
- Don't catastrophize your teen's problems, but by the same token don't be too overly-empathetic. Let your teen talk out his/her problems and offer verbal/emotional support and guidance, not judgment.^{[16]XTrustworthy SourceHealthyChildren.orgHealth information from the American Academy of Pediatrics.Go to source} For example, you might say something like, “I’m sorry to hear that you had a bad day. What do you think you can do to make tomorrow a little better?”
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Part 3

Part 3 of 4:

Teaching Your Teen to Make Positive Choices

1
Follow your own advice. By being a positive role model, you'll need to live the positive lifestyle that you want for your teen. If your teen sees you saying one thing and doing another, he/she may think you're being hypocritical or unfairly judgmental, which may make communication more difficult in the future.
- Never engage in behavior that you teach your teens to avoid.
- Never text and drive. Always be sober, awake, and focused on the road when you get behind the wheel.
- Avoid drugs and alcohol. You can have an occasional glass of wine or cocktail, but don't overdo it, and never binge drink or get intoxicated in front of your teen.
- If you're not married, practice safe and responsible sex. You may also want to limit your sexual partners to set a good example for your teen.
- Be respectful, loving, and caring towards your partner (if you have one). It's important for teens to have good examples of healthy, supportive relationships.
- Be responsible and follow through on your commitments. That includes work-related commitments as well as personal ones.
2
Help your teen weigh the pros and cons of a choice. As a role model, your teen will probably come to you seeking advice at some point. This may be a direct request for advice, or a conversation about something frustrating going on in your teen's life. When this happens, it's important to help teach your teen how to make a healthy, informed choice that yields positive results.^{[17]XResearch source}
- Let your teen describe the problem in his/her own words. Then ask how your teen feels about the situation using open-ended words like "how," "what," or "why."^{[18]XResearch source} For example, if your teen is trying to make a difficult decision, such as whether or not to confront a friend for talking about him behind his back, you might ask “What is causing you the most concern right now?” or, “How do you feel about confronting your friend?”
- Address the choice as a problem that needs to be solved with clear thinking and a level head. For example, you might say, “It’s important to make this decision based on logic rather than emotion. Do you think you are calm enough to talk about it right now?”
- Ask your teen about the options available for that choice. If your teen doesn't give realistic options or hasn't considered other possibilities, prompt him/her for more options.^{[19]XResearch source} For example, you might say, “What else have you considered?” Or, “Have you considered writing your friend a letter?”
- Tell your teen what the right thing to do would be, but justify that decision. Don't simply say, "Because I told you so." For example, you might say, “I think that telling your friend the truth about how you feel is the best choice because not telling the truth might lead to more problems in the future.”
- Weigh out the potential positive outcomes against the potential negative outcomes. For example, you and your teen could make a list of pros and cons of confronting the friend.
- Remind your teen that the choices he or she makes today can have lasting implications in the future. For example, you might remind your teen that not confronting the friend may cause the friend to continue to talk about him behind his back.
- Ask follow-up questions a few days later to see how the decision worked out for your teen. Ask what your teen learned from the situation, and reinforce that choice as a valuable life lesson. For example, you might ask, “Did you talk to your friend? How did he react? How do you feel?”
3
Reward your teen for making good decisions. Any time your teen makes a responsible decision that you know about, you should praise your teen and offer some incentive to continue that behavior in the future. Encourage your teen to talk to you about other problems, and continue to give him/her the necessary guidance until your teen can make sound decisions independently.
- Ultimately, most teens want more independence (and the fun that comes with independence) and less parental oversight.
- Don't make positive decision making a fruitless effort for your teen.
- Any time your teen makes the right decision for a given situation, try offering him/her a little more independence.
- Let your teen stay out an hour or two past his/her usual curfew, or give your teen a little extra spending money for the week to reward good decisions.
4
Discipline your teen in a positive, helpful way. Teens need to be disciplined when they do something they know is wrong, but it's important to use discipline in constructive, positive ways. Remember that most teens want independence and freedom from parental intervention, so losing that freedom might motivate your teen in the future.
- Talk to your teen about why a given choice is/was a bad idea. Talk about the actual repercussions of poor decision making so that your teen will actually learn a lesson, not just get angry over the punishment.
- If your teen makes a bad decision, revoke some of his/her independence.
- Explain the reasons why you punish your teen the way you do. Your teen should actually learn a lesson, not just brood through a period of punishment and resentment.
- Tell your teen that he/she needs to learn that bad behavior can cost you your independence so that he/she doesn't end up really losing freedom by being arrested some day.
- You might try grounding your teen for really bad decisions, or simply withdrawing independence for minor infractions. Make his/her curfew two hours earlier, don't give your teen any allowance for the week, etc.
5
Avoid holding on too tightly. You obviously want what's best for your teen. However, holding on too tightly or trying to force too much control over your teen's life will only make him/her more rebellious and resentful of you.^{[20]XResearch source} That doesn't mean letting your teen do whatever he/she wants; it simply means finding a balance.
- Enforce the rules, but don't hover over your teen or snoop through his/her belongings. Your teen will lose respect for you, and he/she will be less likely to see you as a role model.
- Give your teen support and guidance, but learn to trust his/her decision-making skills after a certain point. All you can do is teach your teen what makes a choice safe/smart and equip him or her with the necessary tools to make smart, safe decisions in the future.
- Once your teen has proven trustworthy, you can probably ease up the control a little bit. Every teen is different, so talk to yours and let it be known that you're always available to talk.
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Part 4

Part 4 of 4:

Being a Role Model for Effective Communication

1
Indicate that you are willing to listen. Using effective communication skills can promote a healthy relationship with your teen. Communicating in a healthy way with your teen will also provide a healthy model of behavior for your teen to follow. While there are lots of ways to model effective communications skills for your teen, showing that you are willing to listen is a great way to start modeling effective communication skills.
- Teens may be reluctant to come to their parents with problems, especially if there is not an open invitation to listen when the teen has a problem. That is why it is important to let your teen know that you are available to talk whenever he or she needs you. You may even need to remind your teen that you are willing to listen if she seems like she needs to talk.
- For example, you can remind your teen that you are willing to listen if she is having a bad day, by saying, “You seem a little down today. I’m happy to listen if you want to talk about it.”
- Avoid lecturing your teen when he or she wants to talk. This is unlikely to have any effect on your teen. Instead, listen actively to your teen by making eye contact, nodding, making neutral statements to encourage your teen to keep talking, such as “Yes,” “Uh-huh,” and “I see.” Shut off any potential distractions as well, such as cell phones, laptops, tablets, TVs.
2
Ask leading questions. Sometimes it can be hard to get your teenager to talk with you, so you may need to work a little bit to get a conversation going. Doing so will model good conversation starting skills for your teen. One good way to get your teen talking is to ask him or her leading questions. These are questions that will result in a broader discussion, rather than a yes or no answer.^{[21]XResearch source}
- For example, asking, “Did you have a good day at school?” will result in a yes or no answer. Instead, ask, “What happened at school today?” This question will require your teen to recap his or her day, which will be more likely to lead to a discussion.
3
Try not to be judgmental. You can also use conversations with your teen to model open mindedness. Now and then, your teen may reach out to you and tell you something that is difficult for you to hear. For example, your teen may tell you that he or she is failing a class, or tried smoking for the first time, or has become sexually active. These are crucial moments in your teen’s development and it is important to be supportive and understanding.
- When you encounter these situations, try not to judge your teen or make her feel bad for sharing. Instead, acknowledge how hard it must have been for your teen to share something so personal with you and indicate your willingness to support your teen.
- For example, you might say something like, “I appreciate your honesty. I know that it must have been hard for you to tell me this. I’d like to help you figure this out. What are you most concerned about right now?”
4
Help your teen develop solutions. Conversations with your teen can also be great ways to model collaboration and problem solving skills. When your teen has a problem, it might be tempting to tell your teen what to do. However, this approach will not help your teen develop the skills that are necessary to think critically about difficult situations and come up with good solutions on his own. Instead, try to help your teen develop solutions by talking them out.
- For example, you might ask your teen questions such as: What are some of the solutions to this problem? Which solution do you think is best? What advantages does it have over the other solutions? What are the downsides?
- Encourage your teen to talk through these solutions and offer your opinion if your teen asks for it. Otherwise, try to guide him or her towards the best solution and support him or her through the process of considering solutions.
5
Use “I” statements to avoid making your teen defensive. The way you express yourself to your teen can provide your teen with a positive model for expressing his or her feelings. You may get frustrated with your teen sometimes and this can lead you to say things that you do not mean or express yourself in a way that puts your teen on the defensive. One way to ensure that your teen is understanding of your position and that she does not get too upset is to use “I” statements.
- For example, if your teen comes home late one night, do not say “You are so inconsiderate!” Instead, say something like, “I was really worried about you.”
- If you teen does not clean up her room after you asked her to, do not say, “You are such a slob!” Instead, say “It upsets me when you don’t keep your room clean.”
6
Respect your teen’s privacy. You can also provide your teen with a model for healthy boundaries when you talk with your teen. Teenagers need more privacy than younger children and this might be hard to understand, but it is important to demonstrate respect for your teen’s privacy. Prying into your teen’s personal life, going into his or her bedroom without knocking, or listening in on phone calls are all invasions of privacy and doing these things will not set a good example for your teen.
- Even if it is difficult for you, try not to pry when you are having a conversation with your teen. Allow your teen to share what she feels comfortable sharing and do not demand more details from her.^{[22]XResearch source}
- For example, if your teen tells you that she and her boyfriend are fighting about something, don’t demand more details. Offer your support by saying, “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that.” Then, pause to allow her to say more or change the subject. Don’t try to get her to tell you more than she is comfortable sharing.
7
Consider counseling if you are having problems. Seeking help for yourself and/or for your teen can model good self-care and relationship strategies for your teen. If you and your teen are having a hard time communicating or if you are struggling with personal issues that are making parenting your teen difficult, then you may want to seek the help of a counselor. A counselor can help you with mental health conditions such as depression, anxiety, or anger management. A counselor can also help you with addictions and other serious problems.
- You may also consider seeing a counselor with your teen if you are not able to communicate with him or her. A counselor can help you and your teen to develop better communication strategies, which may significantly improve your relationship.
- You may also choose to see a counselor on your own. If your teen asks why you are seeing a counselor, then you can say, “I am going to therapy because I get angry a lot, and I am having trouble controlling my anger.” Or, “I am going to therapy so I can learn new skills and communicate better with you." This will set a good example for your teen by showing that you are facing your problems and dealing with them in a healthy way, rather than hiding from them or using unhealthy coping mechanisms, such as using drugs or alcohol.
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Tips

Be honest with your teen. If your teen asks about times you've done bad things in the past, don't lie about it, but stress that it was a bad decision. Talk about the negative repercussions of those choices, and frame it as a learning experience that taught you better judgment.
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