How to Be Your Own Friend

Friends like each other, accept each other, listen to each other, and treat each other well. These are also things that we can do for ourselves. However, the reality is that many people treat themselves much worse than they treat their friends, loved ones, and even pets. Fortunately, there are a number of self-care tactics that will help you feel good and treat yourself well.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Figuring Out Who You Are

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Write in a journal. Research has found journaling to be a great way to become more self-aware and reflective. In particular, writing helps you turn your cognitive focus inwards, on yourself and your day-to-day life, rather than on everyone and everything else that is outside of your own being.^{[1]XTrustworthy SourceInternational DOI Foundation (IDF)Registry of published versions of academic, professional, and government information, such as journal articles, research reports, data sets, and official publications.Go to source} This writing can take any shape or form. You can simply list all of the most memorable moments of a given day. Alternatively, you can write more detailed and structured narratives about your thoughts, wants, needs, feelings, and so on. You can also even jot down a few reflections in point form. Be sure as well to spend some time writing down all of the things you like about yourself, whether it be emotional, spiritual, physical, or anything else at all. This will heighten your sense of self-worth and help you along the path to self-likability.
- Note that the most important part of the writing is not the form it takes but the act of doing it.^{[2]XTrustworthy SourceInternational DOI Foundation (IDF)Registry of published versions of academic, professional, and government information, such as journal articles, research reports, data sets, and official publications.Go to source} By putting your life in words, and reflecting on it in the process, a degree of self-intimacy develops. Writing fosters this intimacy and internal dialogue within yourself in a way that few other activities can.^{[3]XTrustworthy SourceInternational DOI Foundation (IDF)Registry of published versions of academic, professional, and government information, such as journal articles, research reports, data sets, and official publications.Go to source}
- Focus less on the content of your writing and more on the activity as a way to stimulate your creativity. Creative activities can help alleviate destructive emotions, like greed, fear, anger, jealousy etc.. In the course of writing about your day, you can unleash, work through, and let go of what troubles you.^{[4]XTrustworthy SourceInternational DOI Foundation (IDF)Registry of published versions of academic, professional, and government information, such as journal articles, research reports, data sets, and official publications.Go to source}
- Creativity also has real benefits; it has been linked to better job satisfaction, improved leisure time, more positive emotions, and enhanced well-being and happiness.^{[5]XResearch source}
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Record your conversations. If you're not much of a writer, then try a different method of becoming more self-aware by recording the conversations you have with others and even with yourself.^{[6]XTrustworthy SourceInternational DOI Foundation (IDF)Registry of published versions of academic, professional, and government information, such as journal articles, research reports, data sets, and official publications.Go to source}
- Although individuals often assume that talking to oneself is weird or even unhealthy, it can have real benefits for your mental health. Talking to yourself gives you the freedom to say ideas out loud that you would normally keep inside.
- By recording these conversations and listening to them later on, you can come to have a better understanding of these ideas and what they might suggest about you and your personality, which you may not have realized otherwise.
- In reviewing these recordings, you may discover, for example, that you often repeat certain words, stories, or narratives. You can then reflect on the importance of these words or narratives and what they reveal about your character and personhood. For instance, maybe you consistently talk about how hard it is to find a job. This will give you insight into some of your larger anxieties that you can then begin to address as a friend would - by being proactive and encouraging to yourself.
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Ask others to describe you. Who we are is fundamentally shaped by our interactions with others as much as it is shaped by our individual selves.^{[7]XResearch sourceDe Jaegher, H., Di Paolo, E., & Gallagher, S. (2010). Can social interaction constitute social cognition? Trends in Cognitive Sciences, 14(10), 441–447.} It is likely the case that others are able to pick up on aspects of yourself that you have never really noticed.
- Try going to someone close to you, who you already trust, and asking her, “what do you consider to be my best qualities?” or “what things in my life do you think I could work on?”
- Work on accepting the feedback your friends give you without being defensive. For example, maybe a friend gently notes that you have a tendency to isolate yourself when you feel stressed and that she'd like to help you manage your stress. View this as useful and constructive feedback that you can use to better understand yourself and your (sub- or unconscious) habits. Knowing we do something is the first step to improving that behavior.
- At the same time, realize that not everyone’s feedback will be constructive. If someone says something deeply negative or hurtful about you, this is a form of verbal abuse. There is nothing constructive or useful in such comments. In fact, they rarely have anything to do with you but are usually a reflection of that particular person's own emotional issues.
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Notice unhealthy habits. According to Aristotle, “We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.” As you practice the methods suggested above for figuring out who you are, try to parse out any potentially harmful patterns of behavior and think about the effects they’ve had on your ability to like yourself.
- For example, you might notice yourself overindulging in junk food every time something goes terribly wrong in your life. In turn, you then denigrate yourself for your lack of control - something that you would never do to a friend. Noticing this negative cycle of behavior and reaction can help you see the moments in your life when you aren't treating yourself like a friend. It can also help you identify aspects of your life that are deserving of greater self-care, such as your nutrition and self-empathy. Finally, it can also be empowering to learn about all aspects of yourself and to make positive and effective adjustments in your life.
- Whatever the bad habit is, noticing the effects it has on your mood and your ability to like yourself is the first step to changing it.^{[8]XResearch sourceDuhigg, C. (2014). The Power of Habit: Why We Do What We Do in Life and Business (Reprint edition). New York: Random House Trade Paperbacks.}
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Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Cultivating Self-Acceptance

You will always be who you are. This is possibly the hardest part of practicing self-acceptance. Embrace your good points. Look at the list of good qualities you developed in the steps above. What are some of the things you love about yourself? Are you especially creative? Do you have a great sense of humor? Learn to focus on your best qualities and you'll realize there's lots to like!
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Realize that there are things about yourself that you cannot change. For example, are you an introvert by nature? Do you have a Type-A personality? These are key aspects of your personality that are difficult to alter. But more importantly, why should you want to change your very being? It's your core being! Instead of trying to change yourself, embrace all aspects of your personality, even those you might think at first are undesirable qualities.
- Get some perspective. Introverts, by way of example, are great at developing new ideas and making plans. Moreover, introverts often make especially good friends for themselves because they can find fulfillment and strength from within. They also often demonstrate a high level of curiosity so their minds are always running and working and, as a result, they're rarely bored.^{[9]XResearch source}
- The more we understand, accept, and then embrace who we are, the easier it will be to experiment with this process and accept our own unique nature and abilities.^{[10]XResearch sourceDamasio, A. (2003). Looking for Spinoza: Joy, Sorrow, and the Feeling Brain (Reprint edition). Orlando, Fla.: Harvest.}
You value honesty in your friends so you should value it in yourself. Don't be afraid to be open and straightforward about the things you are good at. This is not arrogance; it's honesty. For example, maybe you've been told many times that you are a good listener. Instead of downplaying your good qualities and achievements, take ownership of and value them.^{[11]XResearch sourceCramer, P. C. (2006). Protecting the Self: Defense Mechanisms in Action (1 edition). New York: The Guilford Press.}
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Admit your humanity. Everyone makes mistakes. This is part of being human. If we hope to be friends with anyone, including with ourselves, it is necessary to be able to move on from the mistakes of the past. No one needs to carry the burden of regret with him into his future interactions.^{[12]XResearch sourceHall, J. (2014). 6 ways to overcome REGRET. Good Health (Australia Edition), 56–57.}
- Try taking a small change in perspective. Instead of viewing each mistake as a catastrophe and punishing yourself, view mistakes as opportunities for learning and personal growth.
- For instance, you might think that because you’ve cheated on a romantic partner in the past that you are an inherently bad person and undeserving of happiness. However, research has shown that in some cases cheating on a partner can serve as a positively transformative experience and does not necessarily indicate a dysfunctional pattern. Instead of condemning yourself, ask what you have learned can take away from negative and bad experiences for your own self-improvement.^{[13]XTrustworthy SourceInternational DOI Foundation (IDF)Registry of published versions of academic, professional, and government information, such as journal articles, research reports, data sets, and official publications.Go to source}
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Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Making Positive Changes

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Practice kindness. It is always easier to be friends with someone who is consistently kind than with someone who isn’t. Being kind to yourself and others has been shown to have beneficial effects on your mood and capacity for self-acceptance, empathy, and compassion.^{[14]XResearch sourceFerrucci, P., & Lama, D. (2007). The Power of Kindness: The Unexpected Benefits of Leading a Compassionate Life. New York, N.Y., USA: Tarcher.}
- This kindness can be as basic as forcing yourself to say one positive thing about yourself or treating yourself after a successful day.
- Be sure as well to practice this kindness in your interactions with others. Say something nice to a stranger, offer to help a friend move, or volunteer at a local food shelter. Rather than simply a type of act, kindness can become a personal attitude that is sustained across different situations. Being kind to others is, therefore, key to becoming more in touch with and kind to yourself.
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Follow good examples. Almost everything we know we have in fact learned from other people. One method of becoming a better friend to yourself can, paradoxically, involve paying more attention to how you’ve been affected by others.^{[15]XResearch sourceHarris, P. L. (2015). Trusting What You’re Told: How Children Learn from Others (Reprint edition). Cambridge, Mass.: Belknap Press.}
- We often like to think that everything we believe is the result of our own thoughts and decisions. However, humans are by nature social creatures who influence and are influenced by one another.
- If you find yourself struggling to be friends with yourself, pay attention to how others accomplish this feat and experiment with the methods that work for them. Try reading books about people who have faced adversity and who, instead of living in regret and self-anger, managed to build themselves back up again through persistence, doggedness, and belief in themselves. Consider Albert Einstein, for example. Einstein's parents suspected that he suffered from a learning disability and he even failed his college entrance exams. Yet, he also continued his studies and eventually won a Nobel Prize in physics. His name is now considered a popular synonym for "genius." Such success stories highlight the value of positive thinking and persistence.
Think of how you treat your friends when they're struggling or going through something like a breakup or a period of unemployment. Treat yourself as a best friend would treat you. If you had a friend who experienced these things, you would be encouraging and try to help them accept and learn from their particular situation, rather than put themselves down or allow them to wallow in self-pity. We can recover from adversity if we treat ourselves like friends and show understanding. We have the inner voice we need to encourage ourselves to drive onward and make lemonade out of lemons.
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Participate in new activities. People typically make friends with those they meet through common group activities, such as exercise classes, sporting events, specialized courses, or meditation retreats. In order to become a better friend to yourself, it will be necessary to get outside of your own head and make connections with the world around you, the world of which you are a part.^{[16]XResearch sourceCrawford, M. B. (2015). The World Beyond Your Head: On Becoming an Individual in an Age of Distraction. New York: Farrar, Straus and Giroux.}
- The more diverse the activities you take up, the better. Never tried scuba diving before? Sign up for a class! Always wanted to try making your own pottery? Do it! You will likely learn some unexpected things about yourself in situations where you push out of your comfort zone. This, in turn, furthers that process of self-discovery and intimacy.
- As a bonus to yourself, choose a physical activity so as to explore the capacities of your own body. Each person's body has unique physical abilities that can only be elicited in certain types of situations. You may think you can't stand on your head, for example, until you try a yoga class and discover that you actually can do a head stand with relative ease! Physical activity of almost any sort has been shown to be a great method of self-care and exploration and an important way to become more in tune with physical ourselves.^{[17]XResearch sourceHoffman, S. (Ed.). (2013). Introduction to Kinesiology With Web Study Guide-4th Edition: Studying Physical Activity (4 edition). Champaign, IL: Human Kinetics.}
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