How to Be Less Selfish

Has more than one person pointed out how selfish you are? If you tend to think you're the center of the universe, always insist on getting your way, and hate sharing or doing favors for others, then yeah, you probably have a bit of a selfishness problem. Though being less selfish doesn't happen overnight, there are a few things you can do to become a person who is known for giving, not taking.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Increasing Self-Awareness

1
Join a team. Just about any team will do. Join a sports league, or the welcoming committee in your neighborhood, or become a member of the French club after school. No matter what activity you choose, being part of a team will help you see that working with others is important, and that many individual needs have to be balanced for success; not being selfish is a bit part of being a team player, so joining a team is a great place to practice your generosity and fairness. Successful teamwork is also a critically important skill for many occupations.^{[1]XResearch source}
- Being part of a team will make it harder for you to put your needs above the needs of others as you may be outwardly criticized for your selfishness, which can bring down your entire team.
2
Practice empathy. Empathy means to understand or share the feelings of another person, or to "put yourself in their shoes." Empathy is a skill that can be worked on and strengthened, and can help you become less selfish. Work on understanding another's point of view and suspending your own wants and needs; in doing so, you will likely become more generous and understanding. Some ways to practice empathy include:^{[2]XResearch source}
- Ask the other person how he is doing. Instead of making assumptions or dismissing someone when he does something you do not agree with, ask him what is happening in his life. Be curious and concerned about this person and see if you can understand his view of what is going on.
- Imagine sympathetic reasons for the person's behavior. If you are behind an older woman in line and they are taking a long time to check out, try to let go of judgement and frustration. Perhaps the woman spends most of their days alone, and they're chatting with the clerk a little longer because she rarely sees anyone. It doesn't matter if this is the true reason they're holding up the line; what matters is that it helps you have empathy for the other person.
3
Balance your needs with the needs of others. If you tend to put yourself first, making sure you get what you want, when you want it, you must start letting go of getting your way and think about finding balance in your relationships. Start thinking about what your children, friends, or significant other might want, even if it's in conflict with your needs. Whenever you're in a conflicting situation, think about what would make the other person happy instead of what would make you content. Try to find a compromise, or try putting your needs aside.
- Remember that everyone's needs, wants, and desires hold equal weight.
- If your significant other really wants to watch their favorite team play baseball in the playoffs but you want to go to the movies, let they get what they want this time.
4
Show appreciation for others' kind actions towards you. If you find yourself taking advantage of or expecting things from others, like a friend who always gives you a ride, or someone who used their personal network to help get you a job, it's time to start saying "Thank you." When someone does you a favor or is kind to you, show them gratitude by thanking them, either with your words, or even a note or small gift. Let them know you really appreciate that they went out of their way to help you.^{[3]XExpert SourceArda Ozdemir, MA
Career & Life CoachExpert Interview. 14 March 2019.}
- Try doing good deeds for your friends or even strangers, expecting nothing in return. A truly selfless act of kindness is done without the expectation of reward or praise.^{[4]XResearch source}
5
Learn to compromise. Think about finding a happy medium where everyone involved in the situation can get some of what they want. Compromising is a skill that will help you succeed not only in friendships and relationships, but also in the business world. ^{[5]XResearch source}
- When you're trying to solve a problem, think about who really wants it more. If you and your significant other are picking a movie to watch, and they've been dying to see one movie, while you're only lukewarm on your different choice, let them have their way.
- If you find that you don't feel so strongly about your position, then reach an agreement that favors the other people. Then next time you really want something, it will be your turn. It all comes down to picking your battles.
- Before your reach an agreement, make sure that everyone has time to express his or her views. This can help you have a more balanced perspective before you reach a decision.
6
Share. Let a friend borrow your favorite dress. Share your lunch with a friend who forgot theirs. Let your significant other use your stereo for an afternoon.
- Get in the habit of sharing something you were previously very possessive of. This will help you show others that they matter to you and will make it easier for you to be giving. It will change your self-perspective from being someone who is selfish to being someone who is selfless.
7
Volunteer. Take the time to volunteer in your community, whether it's through school, work, or an independent activity. You can work in your school library, clean up a local park, work in a soup kitchen, or spend time teaching adults and children learn to read. Volunteering is a broadening your perspective of the world by seeing how others are in need and how you can make a difference. Volunteering will also make you more appreciative of what you have when you see that not everyone is lucky enough to have all of the things you do.
- Make a goal of volunteering at least once a week, and see how much less selfish you feel.
- During the COVID-19 pandemic, many places where you might be volunteering will be closed to promote social distancing. Find a way of volunteering that you can do alone or in a very small group.
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Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Being a Better Friend

1
Be a better listener. If you want to stop being selfish, then you have to learn to listen to other people. And that means you should really listen, not just nod, and say "Uh huh," until it's your turn to speak. Listening means absorbing what people say, remembering what people say, and understanding the problems of your friends, significant others, and coworkers. It can also help if you ask open-ended questions that give your conversation partner a chance to express him or herself.
- Don't interrupt.
- After your friend talks, give a thoughtful response by referencing points made in the conversation to show that you really paid attention.
- If your friend has a problem, don't instantly compare it to your own problem, which you claim is "way worse." Take every problem on its own terms and give relevant advice when you can without making it all about you. You can say something like, "I was in a similar situation, and this is what helped me. Do you think it might work for you?"
2
Let your friend pick what you'll do together. This small and simple gesture could make a big difference in your friendship. One key aspect of being a good friend is being supportive, which includes supporting your friend's activities from time to time.^{[6]XResearch source} The next time you and your friend hang out, let her pick the movie, the dinner place, the happy hour bar, or the activity that you'll do together.
- Once you get in the habit of doing this, you may find that you get pleasure out of making the people you care about happy.
- You can also take turns. They can pick what you'll do one week and you can pick what you do the next.
3
Prepare a home-cooked meal for your friend. Go to the store, shop for the things that you know your friend will love, and then spend at least an hour cooking a delicious meal and setting the table. Preparing a meal for your friend takes time, money, and effort, and you'll see how good it feels to do something nice for another person. ^{[7]XTrustworthy SourceGreater Good MagazineJournal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier livingGo to source} This is an especially nice gesture if your friend is tired, broke, or in need of some comfort.
- Don't make your friend bring over anything except something to drink. You'll be doing all the work that night.
- If you find that you really like cooking for others, you can even start baking cookies or making stews and then dropping them off at your friends' houses in the evening.
4
Give good advice. Stopping to give good, heartfelt, and meaningful advice to a friend can really make you feel more giving and less selfish. Not all gifts are physical; sometimes the best thing you can do for a friend is help them figure out their problems. Don't just tell your friend what they want to hear; instead, take the time to give them meaningful and actionable advice that can really change their life.
- Giving good advice to your friends may also make you more aware of what your friends really need instead of what you need.
5
Stop talking about yourself all the time. This is easier said than done. Though being selfish and being self-involved aren't exactly the same thing, they do go hand in hand. So, make a point of talking about yourself only a third of the time when you're with a friend; spend the rest of your time talking about your friend, about other people you know, or about other outside topics.
- If your friend brings up a problem and you've experienced a similar thing, it is OK to briefly talk about yourself to say you've gone through something similar as long as the goal of your doing so is to tell your friend that you can readily empathize with them. After you mention this, quickly turn the spotlight back to them so they can continue talking.
6
Ask your friends about themselves. If you don't normally do this, you should really make a habit of it. The next time you're with your friends, ask them how they're doing, what they're feeling, how their days went, or what they have coming up that week.^{[8]XExpert SourceArda Ozdemir, MA
Career & Life CoachExpert Interview. 14 March 2019.} Don't make it too obvious that you're changing your trajectory and start bombarding them with questions at once; instead, make your way around to asking them questions about themselves and what they have going on.
- Showing an interest in others is a great way to be less selfish.
- It shouldn't feel superficial. You should ask your friends about themselves because they're your friends and because you care.
7
Do your friend a favor just because. Don't do your friend a favor as a calculated ploy for getting something that you want later; do it out of the goodness of your heart. The favor can be big or small, anything from picking up coffee for your friend when they're stuck in a major study session to taking three hours out of your evening to explain chemical equations to them. If you see that your friend really needs something but is afraid to ask, you should be the one to suggest it even before your friend does.^{[9]XResearch source}
- And sometimes, you can do your friend a favor even if they really doesn't need anything, just because you're feeling nice or saw something that made you think of them.
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Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Showing Gratitude

One day per month, spend fifteen minutes with a notebook to write down all of the things you are grateful for. Don't stop until you've come up with at least ten things. Keep the list, and add on to it every month. Use this list to remind yourself that your life is full, and think about how grateful you are for the people in your life. Then, go out and tell them!
2
Give a small gift. Sure, giving your friend, family member, or significant other a gift on their birthday is a nice gesture. But an even nicer and more spontaneous gesture will be when you give your friend a gift because you are grateful that you know this person. Doing so will make both of you all the happier. ^{[10]XTrustworthy SourceGreater Good MagazineJournal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier livingGo to source}
- It doesn't have to be brand-new or expensive. It could be a souvenir, a used book, or a piece of jewelry. What's important is showing your friend know that you are grateful; the price of the gift matters much less.
3
Give away something you love. This is another great way to show gratitude. Giving away an old shirt you don't care about is one thing, but giving your favorite sweater to your little sibling or your best friend is another. If you have something that you're attached to but that you don't really have a use for, give it to someone who can actually use it, even if it means a lot to you. This kind of giving can be contagious; think about how the good you do may spread beyond its direct source!^{[11]XTrustworthy SourceGreater Good MagazineJournal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier livingGo to source}
- Getting into the habit of giving away things you love will make you less selfish, and less attached to all of your possessions.
4
Appreciate nature. Go for a hike or a run in the park. Take a long walk on the beach. Surround yourself in nature, immerse yourself in its beauty, and focus on the gift of the present moment. Being in awe of the beauty of nature can make you more grateful for what you've got and more willing to give to others.^{[12]XTrustworthy SourceGreater Good MagazineJournal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier livingGo to source}
- Being out in nature can also help you put things into perspective. You'll have a much harder time viewing your own little perspective as all-important when you're standing at the bottom of a gushing and powerful waterfall.
5
Write thank you cards. Any time someone does something that really matters to you, take the time to get a thank you card. Be sure to mention exactly how much what this person did meant to you. Don't just send the cards to teachers, co-workers, or professors; get in the habit of writing the cards to near and dear friends, to show them that you notice their efforts and are grateful for them.
- Buy a pack of ten thank-you cards. Make a goal of using them all within the year.
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Expert Q&A

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Question
Can you become less selfish?
Arda Ozdemir, MA
Career & Life Coach
Arda Ozdemir is the Executive Coach and Founder of Rise 2 Realize, a nonprofit organization in Palo Alto, California that is dedicated to providing a practical roadmap toward one's full potential in their life and career. Arda is a Reiki Master, an Emotional Freedom Technique Practitioner, and a certified HeartMath Trainer and Mentor.
Arda Ozdemir, MA
Career & Life Coach
Expert Answer
Absolutely! Everyone is capable of change, but the key is to figure out what the underlying issue is. If you just try to force yourself to be less selfish, it isn't going to work. You have to fix the thing going on inside that's causing you to be selfish.
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Question
Why am I so selfish in a relationship?
Arda Ozdemir, MA
Career & Life Coach
Arda Ozdemir is the Executive Coach and Founder of Rise 2 Realize, a nonprofit organization in Palo Alto, California that is dedicated to providing a practical roadmap toward one's full potential in their life and career. Arda is a Reiki Master, an Emotional Freedom Technique Practitioner, and a certified HeartMath Trainer and Mentor.
Arda Ozdemir, MA
Career & Life Coach
Expert Answer
There's got to be something triggering you to act that way. The fact that you're self-aware enough to know you're being selfish is a great sign, though. I'd encourage you to try and challenge that behavior and see if it isn't something you can get away from.
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Question
What are the traits of a selfish person?
Arda Ozdemir, MA
Career & Life Coach
Arda Ozdemir is the Executive Coach and Founder of Rise 2 Realize, a nonprofit organization in Palo Alto, California that is dedicated to providing a practical roadmap toward one's full potential in their life and career. Arda is a Reiki Master, an Emotional Freedom Technique Practitioner, and a certified HeartMath Trainer and Mentor.
Arda Ozdemir, MA
Career & Life Coach
Expert Answer
They tend to be very judgmental without being generous or helpful. They may respond really sharply to triggers and drown out other voices. Another telltale sign is that they rarely ask other people about themselves and keep the conversation focused on them.
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Tips

Be glad that you have the means to help those less fortunate than you. Think about them and be grateful for what you have.
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Try empathizing with the hungry and donating food to the food bank.
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Warnings

Be careful not to go too far in the other direction or you may be taken advantage of by people. Be strong and protect yourself, but also flexible and willing to share your time, resources, and love with those who you deem are good, trustworthy people.
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