How to Be Less Dependent in a Relationship

When you’re in a relationship, it can be easy to lean on your partner so often that you lose yourself. Relying on your partner for some things is fine, but maintaining your independence is crucial if you want to live a happy, fulfilling life. Fortunately, there are a lot of things you can do to become less dependent on your significant other while keeping your relationship strong.

Here are 10 ways you can be more independent in your relationship.

1

Get to know yourself.

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Who are you outside of this relationship? What do you enjoy? What are your values? If you aren’t sure, try sitting down for 10 minutes a day and reflecting on your life as a whole. It will help you stay true to who you are and not lose yourself in a relationship.^{[1]XResearch source}
- Getting to know yourself can be a little tough. If you’re having a hard time, you could practice meditation and self-care to spend more time with yourself.^{[2]XResearch source}

2

Make your own decisions.

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Don’t let your partner decide things for you. Even little things, like how you’d like to spend your day off or what you want to eat for lunch. Making small decisions like this every day can lead to more confidence when it’s time to make larger decisions.^{[3]XResearch source}
- Oftentimes, we defer to our partners to make decisions because we’re afraid of rejection. Keep in mind that the only person’s approval you need is your own.

3

Set goals for yourself.

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Figure out what you’d like to achieve in your life. This could be career-related, hobby-related, or even family-related. If you can keep these goals in mind, you can work toward achieving them and support your partner in achieving theirs.^{[4]XResearch source}
- Try not to sacrifice your goals for the sake of your partner. Doing that can lead to a lot of resentment down the line, which isn’t a great foundation for a healthy relationship.

4

Meet your own emotional needs.

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Try not to rely on your partner for comfort or validation. It’s totally fine to seek praise and comfort from your partner every now and then, but your main source should be yourself.^{[5]XExpert SourceLaura Richer
Licensed Mental Health CounselorExpert Interview. 24 September 2021.} If you feel emotional, check in with yourself and figure out what you need. Then, you can take steps on doing that for yourself and maintain your independence.^{[6]XResearch source}
- For instance, maybe you’ve had a bad day and you’re feeling stressed. Try taking a long bath or watching a funny movie to lift your spirits and help you relax.
- Or, maybe you got a promotion at work and you’re feeling proud of yourself. Go buy yourself something fun from the store as a reward to make yourself happy.
EXPERT TIP
Laura Richer
Licensed Mental Health Counselor
Laura Richer is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor and the Founder of Anchor Light Therapy Collective, a multi-disciplinary mental health counseling clinic in Seattle, Washington. With more than ten years of experience in the mental health sector, she specializes in working with couples and individuals and supporting them in becoming empowered to direct their destiny. Laura holds a BA in English from Western Washington University and an MA in Clinical Mental Health Counseling. She also received her Hypnotherapy Practitioner Training from Bastyr University, Couples Counseling Certification from The Gottman Institute, and Master Life Coach Certification from Seattle Life Coach Training. Laura is the host of the podcast Holding Ground which explores anything and everything in the world of mental health and positive psychology.
Laura Richer
Licensed Mental Health Counselor
Self-care is all about being responsible for your own emotional experience. The next time you feel upset or distressed, focus on taking care of your emotions, whether that's through therapy, yoga, meditation, being in nature, or hanging out with friends.

5

Maintain your own interests.

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Keep up with your hobbies outside of the relationship. It will help you remember who you were before you met your partner.^{[7]XExpert SourceLaura Richer
Licensed Mental Health CounselorExpert Interview. 24 September 2021.} If you don’t have a hobby that you love, try diving into a new one that you’ve always wanted to try. Doing activities outside of your relationship will give you and your partner some much-needed alone time.^{[8]XResearch source}
- If you’re nervous about trying a new hobby on your own, invite one of your friends to try it with you.

6

Learn to love yourself.

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When we love ourselves, we depend less on others. As you work on becoming less dependent, make sure you say nice things to yourself, praise yourself for your hard work, and take care of your body by eating right and exercising.^{[9]XExpert SourceLaura Richer
Licensed Mental Health CounselorExpert Interview. 24 September 2021.} The more you can uplift yourself, the less you’ll need it from your partner.^{[10]XResearch source}
- Try using a loving touch on yourself, like giving yourself a neck massage or a foot rub.
- If you notice anything that you really like about yourself, write it down.

7

Take responsibility for yourself.

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Remember that the only person in charge of your life is you, not anyone else. The more you can own who you are and where you’re going, the better you’ll be able to take charge and change your life for the better.^{[11]XResearch source}

8

Set boundaries with your partner.

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Tell your partner that you’d like to become more independent. Sometimes, partners fall into their roles pretty hard, and it can be tough to detach. As you work on becoming less dependent, let your partner know that they need to let you make these changes.^{[12]XResearch source}
- For instance, maybe your partner handles the finances. If you’d like to become more independent, tell them that you want to take over paying some of the bills.
- Or, maybe your partner is used to going out with you every time you leave the house. Let them know that you’d like to do a few things on your own instead.

9

Stand up for yourself.

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Be assertive, and don’t let others take advantage of you. If you don’t want to do something, tell your partner that. Make your voice heard, and remember that your opinions and your feelings matter.^{[13]XResearch source}
- This can be as simple as telling your partner that you want to eat tacos instead of sushi for dinner. Or, it can be about bigger issues, like which city you want to live in or what career path you’d like to take.

10

Talk to a mental health professional.

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Dependency can be tough to break free from. If you’re having a hard time breaking out of your habits, it might be worthwhile to talk to a mental health professional. They can teach you coping skills and mechanisms to maintain your independence while staying in a relationship.^{[14]XTrustworthy SourceCleveland ClinicEducational website from one of the world's leading hospitalsGo to source}
- They can also teach you ways to boost your self esteem and stand up for yourself.

Expert Q&A

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Question
Is dependence bad in a relationship?
Laura Richer
Licensed Mental Health Counselor
Laura Richer is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor and the Founder of Anchor Light Therapy Collective, a multi-disciplinary mental health counseling clinic in Seattle, Washington. With more than ten years of experience in the mental health sector, she specializes in working with couples and individuals and supporting them in becoming empowered to direct their destiny. Laura holds a BA in English from Western Washington University and an MA in Clinical Mental Health Counseling. She also received her Hypnotherapy Practitioner Training from Bastyr University, Couples Counseling Certification from The Gottman Institute, and Master Life Coach Certification from Seattle Life Coach Training. Laura is the host of the podcast Holding Ground which explores anything and everything in the world of mental health and positive psychology.
Laura Richer
Licensed Mental Health Counselor
Expert Answer
Not necessarily! All partnerships have some level of dependence, and being completely independent isn't a very realistic goal. Instead, focus on not being overly dependent on your partner.
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