How to Be Friends with Your Spouse

Being best friends rests deep at the heart of a lasting love, whether you married for love or by arrangement. Yet, there can be times in your marriage when friendliness can be lost under the pressures of everyday life, routine and not consciously checking in with each other often enough. Restoring friendship as the bond that ties the two of you together is a vital way to rejuvenate your marriage and create an even stronger bond.

Steps

1
Be yourself. As trite as this may seem, when it comes to an intimate relationship, it's the only way to be. You cannot carry on a pretense of being a type of person you're not for long when you live with a person day in and day out. You're in this for the long haul, so staying close will require knowing each other well to the absolute depths. Be just the way you really are.
- If you pretended to like things your spouse likes but this was only to be kind or win this person over, be honest now. Say that you wanted to like whatever it is as much as your spouse, and that you did try, but have found it's really not you. That doesn't reflect on your love for the person, it's about being honest with your spouse and true to yourself. The sooner you clear away these sorts of small untruths, the better.
2
Don't expect perfection. Just as you find annoying habits in your spouse, your spouse will find them in you too. However, friends overlook these quibbles, and learn to live with them. Friends come to one another as they are, warts and all, but still enjoy one another's company and strive to only find the best in each other.
- If you expect certain things to always be just right, such as getting flowers on Valentine's Day or large gifts for your birthday, perhaps you have too great an expectation borne of marketing rather than real love. It's not worth being annoyed with a spouse over something like this––instead, look for thoughtfulness, kindness and supportive actions that occur daily.
- Be happy with what you have with each other. Having gratitude for being healthy, being together and having what you do have are really great ways to keep your expectations at a reasonable level.
3
Give gentle feedback. Don't stand there being quiet and fuming when your spouse does something that drives you weird. Tell your spouse that there is an issue and kindly suggest a more constructive way to do, say or fix things in your life together.
- Be clear and specific, using "I" language and avoiding words like "always" or "never." So, instead of "you never care about my feelings," try "I sometimes feel like you're distracted by your phone when I'm trying to tell you about something and it makes me feel frustrated. Would you please put your phone down when I ask you to?"
- See conflict as part of marriage, not something to fear. You don't need to agree or see eye-to-eye about everything. Indeed, it's healthy to argue occasionally and reach compromises. Learn how to deal with relationship conflict constructively and you will find dealing with challenging issues together can become more fruitful, with outcomes that both of you find reasonable.
4
Value each other's freedom. Marriage isn't a cage or the end of being you. The old-fashioned notion that two become one was rather oppressive and reflected an economic and legal reality during times when women didn't have the financial and legal freedoms they have nowadays. While it's nice to have your spouse's back, to be a team, it's not healthy to morph into each other. Remain a distinct entity with opinions, thoughts, ideas and preferences of your own. Give each other the space to pursue different activities as well as doing plenty of things together. Find balance in doing things for yourself and together, and you'll both feel free while committed.
- A little time spent alone or with other friends will rejuvenate both of you, causing you to be excited in each other's presence again.
5
Be honest. Tell your spouse everything. You'd tell your friends, and your spouse is your friend too. Keeping secrets can only hurt in the long run.
6
Be there for each other. Friends will jump to each others' side in times of need. When your spouse is struggling, listen to them and ask how you can help. Perhaps you can fix the problem, or maybe the only thing you can do is listen and hold their hand. Being there is what counts.
7
Surprise your spouse. Loving acts—as big as planning a vacation or as small as writing a sweet note—help keep the bond strong. Find a way to let them know you love them each day.
- Inject some playfulness and fun into your relationship to keep your connection strong.
8
Trust your spouse. Possessiveness is a killer of both love and friendship. Have trust that your spouse is doing the right thing by your marriage. Set the standard for your friendship and love by being both trusting and trustworthy yourself.
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