How to Be Friends with Your Kid

With work, school, and activities, you may feel that you and your child are so busy that you can barely talk to each other. You may feel yourself growing apart, and see your child becoming more distant. Here is how to reverse that process and maintain a strong but healthy presence in your child's life.

Steps

1
Build one-on-one time into your daily routine. Spending time together doesn't always "just happen;" it takes effort to make it a daily activity. During this time, you can give your child your full attention, allowing them to open up to you. Here are some times you can spend together:
- Driving to and from school/activities
- Dinnertime
- 10-minute chat after school
- Bedtime routine
2
Learn how to listen to your child. Active, nonjudgmental listening will help your child feel that they can tell you anything. Work on trying to understand what your child thinks and feels, without immediately turning it into a lesson or a lecture. Here are some examples of good phrasing.
- "Would you like to tell me about your day?"
- "What happened next?"
- "I'm sorry to hear that happened to you."
- "So you're feeling upset because you forgot to do the homework that was due today."
3
Don't push your child for details. It's good to ask questions ("How did your physics class go?"), but it's also important to respect your child's boundaries. If they don't want to talk about it, don't keep pressing. Letting them know that you respect them is key to making them trust you and be willing to talk more.
- "So, did you want to tell me about that party last night?"
- "I'm sorry, I'm talking over you, aren't I? Please continue."
- "If you don't want to tell me about it, you don't have to. You choose." (Many times, a statement like this will make the child feel understood, and they will then say what was on their mind.)
4
Avoid scolding them. Try to be patient when they make mistakes, remembering that they learn social interaction skills from you. (If you yell at them, they'll yell at other people.) It is absolutely fine to be firm when you need to be, but shouting will only scare them.
- Give clear alternatives to catch misbehavior before it becomes a problem. ("Walking feet in the house, please. If you want to run around, go to the backyard.")
- Punishments and raised voices should only come from your child continuously disobeying you.
5
Accept them for who they are. Some parents try to change their children's identity, but this only serves to isolate and upset the child. Don't try to push them out of their clothing preferences, disability symptoms, gender identity, sexual orientation, or favorite toys/activities.
- If you're worried about bullying, tell the child. "Sometimes people say mean things when they see a boy wearing girly shirts. It's not fair, but it does happen. You get to make the choice what shirts you wear, and I will support you whatever you decide."
- If your child is LGBT+ or disabled, read what similar adults have to say. They can offer guidance on how to accept and help your child.
6
Help your child learn. Your child looks up to you as a smart and wise adult, and they will love it if you shower attention on them by teaching them. Read books together, teach them about your interests (assuming they are interested too), demonstrate social skills, and share new learning opportunities.
7
Involve yourself in your child's interests. If your son loves to paint, buy him some watercolors, and maybe sit and paint or draw together. If your daughter is fascinated with engineering, play on the floor with engineering toys that involve gears and wheels.
8
Go on regular outings. This will give the two of you the opportunity to catch up with each other and make memories together. Try movies, nature trails, playgrounds, beaches, skating rinks, sports games, and whatever you and your child enjoy.
9
Let them know you're thinking of them. This is especially important if you are a busy person. When they add up, the little things can make a big difference.
- Write little notes to put in their lunchbox
- When away from home, call home so you can hear about their day
- Bring them home little treats sometimes
- Make time for them when you are home
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