How to Be Assertive in a Relationship

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1Being Assertive in Your Romantic Relationships

2Asserting Yourself in Your Friendships

3Expressing Control in Your Work Relationships

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Tips and Warnings

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References

Being assertive in your relationships can be difficult, but it isn’t impossible. You may be having trouble in multiple different types of relationships, including those with your partner, friends, or coworkers. By determining your own beliefs and opinions, accepting the validity of these opinions, and becoming more active in expressing these beliefs and opinions, you can become more assertive in all types of relationships.

Things You Should Know

• If you want to be more assertive with your partner, start small, like speaking up about what you want for dinner or expressing your thoughts when you're upset.
• Use "I" statements to get your point across without making the other person feel defensive or attacked.
• Your feelings are probably going to come out anyway, so it's actually better for your relationships if you learn to say "No" and be direct about your feelings.
• At work, use a calm, confident tone to speak up for yourself.

Steps

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Being Assertive in Your Romantic Relationships

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   Start small. If you are worried about changing too much all at once in your relationship, start small. Be more assertive about a little bit at a time instead of changing everything overnight. Doing it that way can be jarring and cause confusion or problems with your partner.

   • For example, be more vocal about what you want for dinner when you go out. Don’t always let your partner choose and go along with what they have to say. Instead, suggest a different type of food that you would like instead in a calm and positive manner.
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   Believe your opinions about the relationship are valid. In your romantic relationships, you may avoid being assertive because you think your partner may leave you. However, this should not create a situation for you where you feel like your opinions do not matter. Every feeling you have about your relationship is legitimate and your partner should be willing to discuss them with you.

   • To build up your belief in yourself, expand in all aspects of your life. When you have an opinion about something or a feeling about a situation, tell yourself that it is valid. Whether or not you express it at first, tell yourself your thoughts and feelings are valid every time they come up. Eventually, you will believe they are valid and you will feel more confident expressing them.
   • When you have concerns or want to express feelings about your relationship, give yourself a pep talk before you do it. Tell yourself, "My opinion is valid. If my partner loves me, then my opinion will not change that."
   • If your partner cannot handle you having an opinion or feeling about your relationship, your relationship dynamic needs to be reassessed to put you and your partner on a more level playing field.
   • Make sure you are not passive, aggressive, or passive aggressive when you discuss your feelings with your partner. Express what you are feeling in a way that is firm but also positive and not accusatory.
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   Let go of any residual guilt. If you have spent the majority of your relationship being a people pleaser, you may feel some guilt when you first start asserting yourself. This is a common reaction to this situation and may cause you a little distress. However, you need to push through and know that there is no reason to feel guilty about expressing yourself.

   • If you find it hard at first, try taking a deep breath. Visualize yourself breathing in peace, calm, and strength and then breathing out guilt, shame, or anxiety.
   • For example, the first time you tell your partner that you don’t like a common activity that you used to do a lot but didn’t like, such as fishing, you may feel residual guilt. However, the guilt will pass and your opinion on the matter is valid. Now that you have expressed yourself to your partner, you two can begin doing things you both enjoy and your partner can go fishing with friends or alone.
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   Phrase your statements in the right way. When you are approaching your partner, make sure you are phrasing your assertive comments in the right way. You don’t want to come off angry or accusatory; instead, you want to express how you feel and what you think.

   • For example, instead of telling your partner, “You are selfish and dismissive.”, say “I could really use some help around the house/apartment and with taking care of the dogs. I’ve tried to tell you in the past but I feel like you are pushing me aside.” This last statement asserts the same point as the first one, but it is much more positive and calm.
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   Know when it’s okay to stay quiet. Although being assertive means expressing your opinions, it doesn’t mean you never let something go. Relationships are about compromise, so there may be times when you don’t get exactly what you want. This doesn’t mean you aren’t assertive, it just means you are taking the feelings of your partner into consideration.

   • This means that you don't have to be right or express your every thought all the time, especially if the situation is not going to harm or help your relationship either way.
   • For example, if you and your partner differ in opinion about politics or a sports team, you don't have to make your partner like or identify with the same person or team. Agree that you have a difference in opinion and don't let it harm your relationship by being angry about it or assertive to the point of arguing.
   • This is the same you expect of your partner, so it is only fair to do the same.
   • By being assertive more often, you will learn more about what you want and expect from your partner. This way, you will know when you are comfortable staying quiet or compromising and when you are not.
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   Avoid being too emotional. Romantic relationships are tied up with your emotions. However, when you are learning to be assertive, try removing yourself somewhat from your emotions. You don’t want them to make you more aggressive or passive than assertive. Instead, try to think about your relationship and the situations you encounter with an even mind.

   • When you feel yourself get too emotional, take a few deep breaths and think about removing your emotions from the situation. If this doesn't work, take a break from the conversation or wait until you have reined in your emotions before talking to your partner.
   • This will keep you from saying things you don’t mean or hurting your partner’s feelings.
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Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Asserting Yourself in Your Friendships

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   Learn to say no. You may find yourself saying yes to every suggestion that your friends make. If you run into a situation where you don’t want to be or your friend asks something of you that you aren’t willing to give, don’t say yes just to be nice. Say no in a positive, calm manner. Being assertive doesn’t mean you aren’t being nice, it just means that you are giving your valid, respectful opinion in the situation.

   • For example, if you friend wants to go see a movie that you really don’t want to see, calmly tell them, “No, I don’t want to see this movie.” You can even suggest a different option or another activity in its place. This way, you would be able to spend time together but do something that everyone wants to do.
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   Be direct. When you are being assertive with your partner, make sure to be direct. Don’t talk around your feelings or side step what you are actually feeling. Part of being assertive is being direct and explicit in your feelings and wishes.

   • Avoid being overly harsh, accusatory, or vague about what you want.
   • For example, instead of saying “Wouldn’t you rather go somewhere more fun?”, tell your friend “I would like to go to this pub that has trivia.”
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   Be okay with disagreeing. You and your friends may have a difference of opinion about a particular subject. This doesn’t mean you can no longer be friends or that either of your opinions are invalid. It just means that you differ about some things. This is common in friendships, or any relationship, because there is no one person exactly like you.

   • These differences are what make your friendship interesting and fun. Just don’t let them get in the way of your friendship.
   • Approach the situation with the idea that it is okay to agree to disagree, but that expressing your opinion is very valid. The same is true for your friend’s opinion, as long as you both express these opinions in a calm, positive, and assertive manner.
   • For example, if you find yourself in a particular situation where you and your friend do not agree, tell your friend, "I respect your opinion, although it differs from mine. Let's just agree to disagree and continue with our day."
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   Assess what you expect from others. In order to be honest in your friendships, you need to know exactly what it is you want and expect from others. This means you need to assess what you need in a friendship, what you expect your friends to do, and how you want to act in these friendships.

   • Try making a list of the qualities you see in the perfect friend. Then think about each one and how much those things would mean to you as part of your friendship. This will help you understand your expectations of your friendships and know how to ask for these things from your friends.
   • The more you understand about what you expect from a friend, the more you can communicate this to them in a calm, positive manner.
   • This will help your friendship improve once you and your friends are on the same page.
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Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Expressing Control in Your Work Relationships

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   Approach your coworkers in a calm, friendly manner. Being assertive does not mean you are aggressive or mean. One of the main characteristics of being assertive is being positive and proactive about your opinions and beliefs. When dealing with your coworkers, always approach situations with a calm and positive manner when expressing your opinions.

   • For example, if you are upset about a performance review, approach your boss or supervisor with a calm and level head. Think about what you want to address about the review ahead of time and express your concerns in a positive, relaxed manner. Your boss will be more likely to take you seriously if you don’t accuse or act out. Start the exchange with phrases such as, "I would like to discuss my recent review with you. I feel there are some inconsistencies and I would like to address them."
   • Avoid yelling, showing anger, or avoiding the situation. Being overly aggressive will not make your boss take you seriously and avoiding the situation by calling out from work will only reflect negatively on you.
   • Look your boss or supervisor in the eye when you approach him/her, avoid crossing your arms or taking a defensive position, don't raise your voice, and avoid fidgeting when you discuss the situation.
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   Have faith in your abilities. One of the best ways to be assertive is to have faith in your opinions and idea. If you don’t believe in yourself, you will never want to speak up with your ideas or suggestions. Try to express more of your ideas every day at the office, or at least when a proper time arises.

   • During a meeting, if you have a great idea for your boss about a future project you’d like to initiate or a story you would like to write, speak up in a positive, calm manner. Have faith in your ideas and capabilities.
   • Just make sure your ideas are fully thought out and prepared.
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   Practice active listening. Another part of being assertive is making informed comments, decisions, and suggestions. To do this, you need to actively listen to those around you. When a coworker is expressing opinions or beliefs, don’t interrupt or belittle those comments. Instead, try to consider your coworker’s point of view and take it in.

   • This means really listening to your coworkers and trying to understand where your coworker is coming from.
   • Once you do this, you can make an informed decision about what your own opinions about a situation.
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   Use ‘I’ statements. When you are learning to be assertive, you need to tap into what you want, feel, and need. This should be reflected in your statements. Instead of placing blame or being vague, use statements that begin with ‘I’ or that have that as a main component.

   • For example, don’t tell a coworker, “What if we changed distributors or vendors to save money on office supplies?” Instead, say “I believe we should change vendors to save money on office supplies.”
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   Be confident. When you are expressing your opinions, do so with confidence. This will make you seem more assertive and like you know exactly what you are talking about. Make sure you aren’t being arrogant, where you seem full of yourself.

   • For example, go into your next meeting with great ideas that you say in a calm, even tone with an air of confidence and a positive or neutral facial expression. Your boss and coworkers will be more likely to take you seriously.
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   Don’t let stress get to you. One of the main reasons you may not be assertive at work is because you are stressed about the situation. You may stress about the outcomes of a situation where you have an opportunity to be assertive to the point that you lose that opportunity. Try to avoid that by stressing less about a situation.

   • For example, if you are working on a project with some coworkers and you have a great idea for the project, you should suggest your idea in a positive, calm manner. Don’t overthink it and stress yourself out.
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   Speak up about misconduct. If you believe that you are being taken advantage of at work, you should speak up and assert your opinion on the matter. No one but you can make sense of how you are being treated. If you think a coworker, supervisor, or boss is treating you unfairly, calmly and rationally discuss the behavior.

   • Try to have specific examples of the unfair treatment or abuse. This will make your case more solid and grounded in real life examples.
   • Try to avoid screaming or acting irrationally in the face of these acts. This will only make you look bad. Always approach situations as assertive instead of aggressive.
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Tips

• Learning to be assertive won’t happen overnight. It will take practice and patience to learn how to incorporate being assertive in each part of your life.
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• If you want to track your progress, try writing your assertive behaviors in a journal. Every so often, go back and read previous entries to see your progress.
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