How to Balance Marriage and Parenting

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1Spending Time with Your Spouse

2Keeping Relationships Strong

3Working with Your Children

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Maintaining a good balance between your marriage and parenting can be a real challenge. Giving too much attention to one over the other can cause problems in both areas. To keep your relationships with both your children and your spouse strong, you'll need to carefully manage your time and work to meet everyone's needs, including your own.

Steps

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Spending Time with Your Spouse

1. 
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   Make time for date nights. One of the most important things that married couples can do to help keep their marriage strong is to schedule date nights. Date nights will allow you both to spend time together, focus on one another and keep your romantic connection alive. Make sure you plan and keep a date night to help maintain your marriage and keep it strong.

   • Take your spouse out on a date that you know they will love.
   • Make sure you won't feel rushed on your night out.
   • Keep the focus on each other. Avoid talking too much about stressful subjects.
   • Make sure you regularly go on dates. Exactly how often you go on a date will be up to both of you, but you should both feel that you're going out frequently enough.
   • If going out on a date is too costly, try enjoying a nice evening in after you've put the kids to bed.
2. 
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   Set aside twenty minutes a day. It doesn't take long to catch your breath and reconnect with your spouse. Setting aside as little as twenty minutes a day can make a difference in your relationship. Try using this time to talk with one another, catch up, discuss your feelings or even just enjoy the silence together. Although your free time is likely limited, try using whatever spare moments you have to catch up and reconnect with your spouse.

   • You could try doing something simple, like going on a walk together.
   • You might want to spend some time together in the evening, chatting about your day or your upcoming plans over a glass of wine.
   • Dropping the kids off at school together can give you a few free moments to talk before heading off to work.
3. 
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   Find something that you both love. Beyond date night, finding an activity that both you and your spouse love can help keep your relationship strong. Talk with your spouse to discover an activity that you would both like to do regularly. Finding something that you both love to do can help you enjoy each other's company and give you a break from your kids.

   • For example, you might both go bowling together on Friday nights.
   • You and your spouse might want to join a club or spend time together with friends.
   • It can be fun to try something new together. You both might try learning how to paint or sculpt.
4. 
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   Focus on each other at the end of the day. After you've put your children to bed, you can try spending some quality time together with your spouse. Evenings can be a great time to reconnect and enjoy one another's company. Put away any distractions and focus on your spouse to help keep your bond strong.

   • Put away your cellphones or other distractions and spend time together.
   • Spend time snuggling, relaxing and connecting at the end of the day to keep your relationship healthy.
5. 
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   Pay attention to the little things. While you are caring for your children, it can be easy to lose focus on your spouse. It can also be tough to make time for big romantic gestures. To help keep your marriage strong, try giving your spouse little romantic gestures throughout the day.

   • Give plenty of compliments throughout the day.
   • Take care of small things for your spouse. For example, handling some of their usual daily responsibilities can be a nice gesture.
   • Try leaving your spouse little love notes.
6. 
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   Make chores a shared activity. Although doing daily chores isn't exactly fun, they can be a great way to spend some time together with your spouse. Doing chores together will also help you both feel like you are contributing, preventing any arguments about who does more chores. Try doing household chores together to help get things done and bring you both closer.

   • You could try playing some of your favorite music and cleaning a room together.
   • Try to work on the same chore at the same time. For example, both of you could pack your children's lunches together.
7. 
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   Don't feel guilty about making time for you and your spouse. It's natural for parents to feel dedicated and devoted to their children, giving them their full attention and time. However, it's important that you take the occasional time out to recharge and reconnect. You'll be able to meet the demands of being a parent much better if you are rested and your relationship to your spouse is kept strong.
8. 
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   Ask your family for help. Things can get tough after having a child. Time, money and energy can all become limited. If you find that you or your spouse are feeling overburdened, try asking your family for some relief.

   • You could ask your family to babysit your children, giving you and your spouse time to go on a date.
   • You might ask a family member to come over and help watch the kids while your spouse takes a break and does something else they enjoy.
   • Try not to ask your family to babysit too often. You will want to avoid making them feel like they have to babysit or that you unloading your responsibilities on them.
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Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Keeping Relationships Strong

1. 
   1
   Plan your time together. Spontaneous activities with your spouse or your children can be a lot of fun. However, you won't want to rely on luck to balance your marriage or parenting. Scheduling time spent with your spouse or children can be a great way to ensure you're giving both a balanced amount of attention.

   • For example, you might have an hour every night where you play board games with your family.
   • You might want to set aside separate time each day to spend with your spouse and with your children, as well as all together as a family
2. 
   2
   Make time for you. Although you want to give your spouse and children plenty of attention, you'll still need time to pursue your own interests. Spending time alone can give you a moment to breathe and will allow you to feel personally fulfilled. Make sure you are leaving enough time for yourself and your own interests when trying to create a healthy balance between marriage and children.

   • Have your spouse watch your children while you do something you love.
   • Make sure you allow your spouse the same freedom to pursue something they enjoy.
3. 
   3
   Stay positive. Balancing your marriage and parenting responsibilities can be stressful. Combine this stress with the everyday pressures of work and life and it can be easy to adopt a negative attitude. Staying positive and constructively expressing your stress can be a big help in keeping your family relationships healthy.

   • Focus on what your spouse does well.
   • Think about all the things you love about your children.
   • Keeping positive will help to improve your relationships between your spouse and your children.
4. 
   4
   Complain without criticizing. Whenever you are expressing frustration to your spouse, make sure you are constructively complaining. Criticizing your spouse directly will only hurt them and damage your relationship. Always structure your complaints in a way that will express your concerns without hurting anyone's feelings.

   • If you don't feel you and your spouse go out enough, try saying something like “I would like to go out more often.” Avoid saying something like “You never take me out anymore!”
   • Disagreeing with your spouse is fine. However, keep things from becoming confrontational or argumentative. Try saying something like, "I respect your opinion, but I disagree with what you are saying."
   • Avoid criticism, defensiveness, or anger when discussing your feelings. One way to do this is to use "I" statements. Try saying something like, "I feel sad and frustrated because we have not had a date night in a long time."
5. 
   5
   Think of things to do as a family. Many activities will require you to focus on either your spouse or your children. However, there are many other activities that allow you to spend time together and give each other equal attention. Try doing some of these activities to spend time together as a family and keep a good balance between marriage and children:

   • Taking your family to the zoo might be a good way to spend time together.
   • You might take your family out for a picnic.
   • Going for a hike can be a fun and active way to spend time together.
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Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Working with Your Children

1. 
   1
   Send your kids to bed early. It can be tough to find enough time during the day to spend together with your spouse. To help create some alone time, try setting an early bed time for your children. By sending your kids to bed earlier than you were, you and your spouse will both be able to enjoy some quiet time together.

   • Your children don't have to be sleeping. However, they should at least be in their rooms during bedtime.
   • Work with your kids and your spouse to determine a fair bed time.
2. 
   2
   Have your kids help out. As your children grow a bit older, they will be able to help out around the house. Asking your child to help with daily chores can be a great way to buy you some extra time with your spouse and can allow your child to feel more independent. Whenever possible, try having your children help with tasks they are capable of to win you and your spouse some free time.

   • For example, if you have an older child, they could get breakfast ready for their siblings in the morning.
   • You might ask your child to start picking up after themselves, saving you a few minutes of time in the evenings.
3. 
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   Try to set realistic schedules for your kids. Although you want to give your kids the best, signing them up for too many activities can be a drain on you and your kids. You and your spouse may find that you are spending an unrealistic amount of time on your children's activities. Take a look at how much time per week your children's activities are taking up and decide if you want to cut back.

   • For example, your children might have baseball, basketball and karate class. But maybe your children might not like or love all of them equally. You might talk with your children to learn which activity could be cut.
4. 
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   Teach your children about manners. If you find that your children often interrupt you and/or your spouse when you are talking, then you might want to teach or reinforce some of their conversational manners. Letting them know when it is polite to talk will help them develop good conversational skills and can give you and your spouse some uninterpreted time to chat.

   • Keep in mind that teaching manners to a teenager will be different from teaching manners to a toddler.
   • Younger children will be more likely to interrupt conversations.
5. 
   5
   Avoid feeling that childhood will last forever. Although watching your child grow into an adult can be a wonderful time in life, it can also be incredibly challenging. For this reason, it's a good idea to keep in mind that your child will grow up one day and you'll have plenty of free time to spend together with your spouse when they do. Focusing on the fact that childhood is only temporary can be a big help when going through a difficult time as parents.
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Expert Q&A

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• Question

  What can you do to improve your marriage?

  

  Allen Wagner, MFT, MA
  Marriage & Family Therapist

  Allen Wagner is a licensed marriage and family therapist based in Los Angeles, California. He received his Master's in Psychology from Pepperdine University in 2004. He specializes in working with individuals and couples on ways they can improve their relationships. Along with his wife, Talia Wagner, he's the author of Married Roommates.

  

  Allen Wagner, MFT, MA

  Marriage & Family Therapist

  Expert Answer

  Try to avoid creating unrealistic standards for yourself or your partner. A lot of times people think there’s something wrong in their relationship, because they have an unrealistic picture of what other people's lives are like. In real life, parents get frustrated with their kids, they yell at them, they send them to their room, but then on Facebook you see the cutest pictures of them and their kids with a smile, or them and their wife with cute anniversary letters and flowers and you think: "Why is this so hard for me? Why is my husband not doing that?" But, you don't see the whole picture.

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