How to Avoid Jealousy in an Open Relationship

The idea of an open or polyamorous relationship is very exciting—until you think about your significant other getting to sleep with other people, too. Whether you’re new to open relationships or you’ve been in one for a while, it’s totally normal to feel a little jealous about your partners’ partners every now and then. Read through this article to learn how you can address those feelings to have a happy, loving relationship.

1

Dive deeper into your jealous feelings.

Try to figure out why, exactly, you’re feeling jealous. Maybe you’re afraid your partner might leave you for someone better, or maybe you’re just feeling insecure. The more you can understand your feelings, the better you can communicate them to your partner.^{[1]XResearch source}
- When you start feeling insecure, ask yourself questions like, “What evidence do I have that that’s true?” and, “If a friend were feeling that way, what would I say to them?”
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2

Pick a calm, stress-free time to talk.

You want both you and your partner to feel good in the moment. Before bringing up your jealous feelings to your partner, make sure you’re both feeling relatively stress-free, and pick a neutral place where you both feel comfortable. If you aren’t sure whether your partner is in the mood to talk, ask them something like, “Hey, is now a good time to chat about our relationship?”^{[2]XTrustworthy SourceUnderstoodNonprofit organization dedicated to resources and support to people with thinking differences, such as ADHD or dyslexiaGo to source}
- You could chat in your home, or you could pick a public place that’s relatively secluded, like a quiet park or an empty cafe.

3

Talk to your partner about your feelings.

Let your partner know that you’re struggling with jealousy. In open relationships, communication is extremely important, and it’s the only way that your relationship with your partner will work.^{[3]XExpert SourceChloe Carmichael, PhD
Licensed Clinical PsychologistExpert Interview. 19 July 2019.} Use "I" statements to explain your jealous feelings to your partner in a non-accusatory way.^{[4]XResearch source}
- You might say, “Lately, I’ve been feeling a little bit jealous about your relationships outside of me. I just wanted to let you know in case it comes up again in the future.”
- Or, “Hey, could we talk really quick? I know we’re in an open relationship, but I’m still dealing with a bit of jealousy. I wondered if you could help me work through some of those feelings.”
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4

Establish clear-cut relationship boundaries.

Even in an open relationship, ground rules are important. For example, you might set boundaries about who you’re going to see, how often you’re going to see them, and when you can see them.^{[5]XExpert SourceChloe Carmichael, PhD
Licensed Clinical PsychologistExpert Interview. 19 July 2019.} You can also discuss how much time you’d like to dedicate to each other rather than people outside of the relationship. Create these boundaries early on to help alleviate your jealousy and make you feel better.^{[6]XResearch source}
- For instance, your boundaries might include that you don’t date close friends. You might say, “I’d really like us to keep our relationships and our friendships separate. I think that would make me feel a lot better about everything.”
- Or, you might talk about how often you’d like to see your partner. You could say, “I’d love it if we could dedicate one night a week to a date night for the two of us. That way, we can reconnect and keep our relationship strong.”

5

Decide how much you’ll share with each other.

Some people don’t want to hear the intimate details of their partner’s other relationships. If that’s the case, you can let your partner know that while you’re fine hearing about dates or hang outs, you don’t want detailed info on the sex or what happened in the bedroom. This is a totally valid request, and hopefully, your partner will understand where you’re coming from.^{[7]XResearch source}
- Try something like, “I do want to hear about who you’re dating, but I don’t want to hear about your sex life. Could we just keep those details to ourselves?”
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6

Change your reaction, not your feelings.

You might always feel a little jealous, and that’s okay. It’s normal to feel a little bit jealous when your partner dedicates time to other people. While you can’t change your feelings entirely, you can change how you behave: instead of giving into jealousy and feeling angry or sad, try to react positively, and remind yourself that you want the best for your partner all the time.^{[8]XResearch source}
- Tell yourself something like, “I’m feeling jealous because my partner is dating someone awesome. But, I’m also happy for them, because they’re having so much fun.”
- Or, “I’m probably feeling jealous because my partner has more dates than I do. But, that means that other people like them too, which probably makes them feel really happy.”

7

Build trust with your partner to avoid worrying.

Be open and honest with each other throughout your relationship. In open relationships, honesty is even more important—without it, you’d never know if your partner was respecting your boundaries or not. Try to tell your partner the truth at all times, and encourage your partner to be honest with you, too. The more you can trust each other, the better.^{[9]XResearch source}
- You can stress honesty and trust to your partner by saying something like, “In order for this to work, we really need to trust each other. I need you to tell me the truth always, even when you think it might hurt me.”
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8

Spend one-on-one time with your partner.

Make time to take each other on dates and strengthen your bond. In an open relationship, it can be easy to let your original relationship fall by the wayside. Try to dedicate one-on-one time to each other at least once a week to keep your relationship thriving and loving.^{[10]XResearch source}
- An easy way to do this is to plan a weekly date night that you never skip or cancel.

9

Be patient with yourself.

Your jealousy may not go away overnight, and that’s okay. Most people need some time to adjust to an open relationship, especially if it’s brand new. Try to keep going for a while, like a couple of months, and see if your jealousy subsides over time.^{[11]XResearch source}
- If you’re still feeling jealous even after trying multiple things, you might want to think about closing the relationship. Open relationships don’t work for everyone, and that’s okay.
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10

Revisit any boundaries that aren’t working.

Sit down with your partner and talk about your boundaries again. If you need to change them or make them stronger, let them know so that you two can reach a compromise. You might even want to check in once a month or so, just to make sure you’re both on the same page about everything still.^{[12]XResearch source}
- You could bring it up by saying something like, “Hey, could we talk about how everything is going? I just wanted to check in and make sure the boundaries are still working for you.”

11

See a couple’s counselor if you need to.

They can give you specific information on how to cope with your jealousy. Couple’s counselors also know exactly how open relationships work, and they can help you be open and honest with each other to avoid feeling too jealous throughout the entire process. If you’re both still struggling with your relationship, make an appointment with a professional to talk through your issues with an unbiased third-party.^{[13]XResearch source}
- Try to find someone who specializes in polyamory and open relationships. That way, they’ll be able to help in your specific situation.
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