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This article was co-authored by Omar Ruiz, LMFT. Omar Ruiz is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and the Owner of TalkThinkThrive, PLLC. With over 11 years of counseling experience, he specializes in helping couples resolve issues and restore intimacy. He has been featured in numerous publications, including The New York Times, Women’s Health, and WebMD. Omar holds a BS in Psychology from Howard University and an MS in Family Therapy from The University of Massachusetts Boston.
There are 12 references cited in this article, which can be found at the bottom of the page.
This article has been viewed 36,418 times.
Staying positive in your marriage is important. No one can avoid all negative thoughts; however, harboring fewer negative thoughts about your husband can make your marriage happier. Start rekindling your relationship by spending time with your spouse. Adopt a positive mindset and refuse to dwell on negative possibilities. You can also talk about your concerns with a close friend or a trained counselor.
Steps
Method 1
Method 1 of 4:
Challenging Negative Thoughts
Practice positive affirmations about your husband. Stop when you catch yourself dwelling on negative thoughts. Repeat the mantra, “It will work out” over and over again until you feel better. Visualize creating a barrier around your mind where no negative thoughts about your spouse are allowed entry.[1] Then replace a critical thought with something true and positive about your husband. It might be "I'm so glad I found someone who shares my sense of humor," or "I am thankful for the support he provides this family." Anything that is positive and affirming.- Be patient with this process as you are literally changing the way that you think. It will take time.
Avoid framing the future in a negative way. Recognize that your current thoughts about your husband do not necessarily mean that the future will turn out badly. The future is uncertain and unknowable. Instead of looking for future pitfalls, think about what you can do now to improve your life with your spouse.[2]- For example, instead of thinking, “We will always be broke because he doesn’t make enough,” you might look for ways to add a bit of income yourself.
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Avoid comparing your husband to other men. Everyone does this to some extent, but it can get to be unhealthy if it occurs too frequently or if you dwell on it. These types of comparisons are not productive and take energy away from the relationship that you are currently in.[3] Instead, think about how others may perceive your husband as desirable. What traits does he project that are admirable?[4]- Does your husband smile all the time? Would other people consider him to be a nice person?
- Does he support you and show an interest in your passions?
- Comparing your husband to someone else doesn't actually provide any constructive feedback about what your concern is. Instead, it just puts him down and makes him feel like he's not good enough.[5]
- The idea of not being good enough is a big destructive factor in relationships, and it's not going to get you closer.[6]
Laugh with your husband! Look for moments that are funny and cut loose a bit. If you just can’t seem to find something humorous, create a situation in which you both will be forced to lighten up. Go to comedy club or watch a funny movie. It’s hard to be negative when you are busy bonding over something funny or interesting.- Be willing to laugh at yourself. And, when the situation warrants it, laugh at your husband as well.
- Humor is a great way to break the ice if you need to talk about something more serious too.[7]
Consider the personality traits of your partner. Remember that, first and foremost, your husband is human. He is going to have faults, as we all do. Avoid trying to make him perfect. Look for what's unique and exciting about his personality as an individual.[8]- Think about moments or actions when your husband showed off the best parts of his personality.
- Reflect on why you appreciated him in that moment.
- For example, if you admire the fact that he volunteers at the local food bank, take a moment and appreciate the caring traits behind his volunteering.
Refrain from “always or never” thinking. If you find yourself heading into absolutes, visualize a stop sign and pause your thinking. Try to consider how your thoughts should actually be more complex in order to be accurate. For example, instead of thinking, “My husband never makes me laugh anymore,” you might consider, “How often do I laugh now anyway?”[9]- Watch for words that signal exaggerations such as “always” or “never.”[10]
Stop replaying the past. If you’ve been together for some time it is quite possible that you’ve identified some things that you wish your husband did differently in the past. Make your best effort to offer forgiveness for past transgressions in order to move forward in a healthy way.- If you are worried about the past repeating itself, decide what your personal boundaries will be for the future.
- For example, if you resent the fact that you've never taken a vacation with your husband, now may be the time to plan a trip.
Make a positive thoughts jar. Get a mason jar and some small scraps of paper. On each piece of paper write down a positive thought about your husband. Fold each scrap in half and place it in the jar. Every time that you feel negative, go to the jar and pick out at least one piece of paper. Read it and then place it back in the jar, along with at least one more positive thought.- The jar is a more active version of making a list. It'll push you to recognize all of your husband’s small and large positive actions.
- Express appreciation for daily things. For example, “I appreciate the fact that Michael takes out the trash every day.”[11]
- Alternatively, write down all of your negative thoughts on pieces of paper and toss them away to let go of negativity and embrace a positive future.[12]
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Method 2
Method 2 of 4:
Reconnecting with Your Husband
Flip through your old photos. Pull out your albums and look through them. Focus on the emotions captured in the photos. Connect these emotions back to the choices made by you or your husband. You will find that your photos often depict positive moments that you created with your spouse.- For example, your wedding photos might remind you of how happy you were before the ceremony.
- Acknowledging the past can help you look forward to the future.
Initiate frequent physical contact. If you are feeling negative, you may avoid being physically close to your husband. Try to reach out in small ways. Give him a quick hug or a small kiss on the cheek. Reach out and squeeze his hand. The goal is to get back to a state where you enjoy physical contact.[13]
Go out on a date. It is tempting to get so caught up in day-to-day life that you rarely plan anything ‘special’ with your spouse. Rekindle the affection in your relationship by setting up a date night each week. Let those close to you know that this is your time to go out.[14]- Reserving the time and making it a priority is just as important as the date itself.
- Don’t worry too much about the details of what you'll do. When you're out, focus on what you're enjoying about your husband and the date.
Learn to do something new together. Challenges help people bond and tackling a new task will help you once again view your husband as a partner. Enroll in a cooking class. Take a course on ballroom dancing. Study together at home in order to learn a new language. You are building positive memories with each action.[15]- Find an activity that you've never tried that interests you both.
- If you both start off as beginners, you don’t fall into a teacher/student situation and can work together as equals.[16]
Spend time alone together. Reserve at least 15 minutes each day for one-on-one interaction with your husband. Take a bubble bath together, listen to music, or just sit on the couch and talk. Some couples find it especially helpful to wind down each day by ‘pillow talking’ about what happened and what tomorrow looks like.[17]- Put away your electronic devices and silence your cell phones to give each other your full attention.
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Method 3
Method 3 of 4:
Managing Stress
Identify stress in your life. If you are feeling stressed out in other areas of your life, it can be very easy to become irritable and take this out on your partner. Taking some time to check in with yourself and evaluate your stress levels and the source of your stress (which may or may not have to do with your husband) can help you have more positive interactions with your partner and you can take steps to change or deal with whatever is causing you stress. Stressors may be internal or external. Some things that may be causing you stress include:- Major life changes (change of job, moving, pregnancy, death of a loved one)
- Workplace stress (an overly demanding job, upcoming deadlines, a difficult boss or coworkers, a toxic work environment)
- Social stress (issues with friends or not having social support)
- Fears, insecurities, or feelings of uncertainty or lack of control
- Lack of balance (having too much on your plate, doing a disproportionate amount of the housework)
Learn healthy ways to deal with stress. There are many constructive ways to manage and minimize stress one you have identified the cause. Exercise is one of the most effective ways to deal with stress. It releases endorphins and boosts mood while improving your physical health. Try to incorporate 30 minutes of physical activity into your daily life (you can break it up into 10- or 20-minute segments to make it more convenient). Try dancing, taking the dog for a long walk, jogging, taking the stairs instead of an elevator, playing a game with your kids (like soccer), or taking an exercise class at the gym.[18] Other ways to positively manage stress include:- Meditation
- Yoga
- Spending time with your friends/support network
- Writing in a journal
- Taking a bath
Ask for help when you need it. You may find that you are stressed or feel resentful toward your husband because you feel like there is an uneven balance in your responsibilities. Learn to be assertive and respectfully ask for help when you need it.[19]- For instance, you might have too much on your plate trying to work, pick up your kids, clean the house, and cook.
- Try saying to your husband, "I have a lot going on right now and I could really use your help. Can you make dinner and clean up the kitchen tonight?"
- Being assertive doesn't mean being mean or aggressive. It means recognizing what you need and want and asking for it, while respecting the other person.
- Be willing to compromise and calmly discuss how to better share responsibilities.
Eliminate stress when possible. One way to reduce stress in your life is to cut out things that cause you stress or to stop overextending yourself. Learning to say "No" to things when you have reached your limits for what you can take on can have a major impact on your stress levels. Look at your commitments and ask yourself what things you "must" do and wha things you feel you "should" do. Try to cut out some of the "shoulds" to avoid taking on too much.[20]- Consider if your environment is stressing you out. If the news is making you anxious and stressed, turn it off.
- Try to avoid people who stress you out.
- If it's someone you can't completely avoid, minimize your interactions as much as possible.
- For instance, if you have an annoying coworker who stops by your desk, you can say, "I'm in the middle of a project, I can't talk right now."
Take an honest look at yourself. You need to consider the true sources of your negative thoughts — are they really just about your husband or something/someone else?[21] For example, do you have a tendency to view things in a negative light anyway? It might be helpful to consider exactly what you want out of marriage and out of your husband in particular.[22]- Write down a list of qualities that you require from your partner.
- Check off the number of those traits you possess.
- For example, if you listed "funny" but you haven't been laughing lately, you may need to work to rediscover your own sense of humor.
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Method 4
Method 4 of 4:
Developing Positive Communication Skills
Keep communication open with your partner. Even when you are experiencing negative thoughts, try to start up a conversation with your husband. Begin by discussing trivial matters like the day’s plans, etc. Keeping the conversation lines open will allow you to develop additional trust in your husband.- In addition to the small things, make sure that you talk about important matters such as finances.
- Being the sole financial planner in a relationship can foster resentment.
- To start a conversation, you might say, “Tonight after dinner let’s talk about what our bills look like for the next month.”[23]
- If you feel yourself about to say something negative and potentially harmful, count to five in your head. This will usually give you time to cool down.
Ask questions. Misinterpretation and miscommunication is a problem in many marriages. It is possible that some of your negative feelings stem from communication errors between you and your husband. Make sure to ask what your husband means if you are unclear. Don’t just assume the worst.[24]- You might say, “I’m not sure what you mean. Explain it a bit more.”
- Ask how he feels and what he thinks about various scenarios. Tell him how you feel/what you think.
Say thank you. Practice gratitude on a daily basis. Make a point to say “thank you” at least once a day to your husband. If you recognize his efforts, he will start to appreciate you more as well. Express gratitude for even the little moments. If he helps you find a book you were looking for, say “thank you.” [25]
Confide in a trusted friend. Go to someone you trust and who will keep private whatever you tell them. Explain your negative feelings, giving specific examples. Discuss possible solutions and ways to improve your situation. You may find that your situation is not all that unusual.- Try to be specific about the issues if you can.
- Instead of just saying, “We don’t get along,” you might explain, “We don’t go out and do things together like we used to.”
- Your friend might suggest more outings as a possible solution.
Talk to a marriage counselor. Going to see a counselor by yourself or with your husband is a great option if you need a safe space to discuss your feelings or need an unbiased party to mediate discussions.[26] Find a marriage counselor in your area by searching online for “marriage counseling.” Read online reviews to find the best fit for you.- Counseling is particularly helpful if you and your husband experienced a traumatic event.
- A counselor can help you move forward from the blaming process.
- During couples' therapy, your therapist might suggest that you schedule a session with an individual therapist, too.[27]
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Expert Q&A
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- QuestionCan mindfulness help with negative thoughts?
Chad Herst, CPCCChad Herst is the Executive Coach at Herst Wellness, a San Francisco-based wellness center focused on Mind/Body Coaching. Chad is an accredited Co-Active Professional Coach (CPCC) and he has been working in the wellness space for over 19 years, with experience as a yoga teacher, acupuncturist, and herbalist. He received his BA from Columbia University and his MS in Traditional Chinese Medicine from the Pacific College of Oriental Medicine.
Mindfulness CoachYes, mindfulness can help you develop a quality of awareness so you can recognize negative thoughts and start being kinder to yourself and others.
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Tips
- Remember that marriage is for the long-term. Some have described it as a “marathon.” Any efforts that you make to move away from negativity will take time, so be patient.[28]Thanks
- Make sure you're taking care of yourself every day by eating healthy, exercising, and getting plenty of rest.[29]Thanks
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Warnings
- If your negative feelings are the result of abuse by your husband, seek out help via an online group or talk to a therapist or your family doctor. Abuse in any form is not okay.Thanks
- If your negative feelings extend beyond your husband or seem to impact your whole life, you may be suffering from a mental health issue like anxiety or depression.[30] If this is the case, talk to a medical professional for assistance.[31]Thanks
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References
- ↑ https://www.eharmony.com/dating-advice/finding-yourself/how-to-leave-negative-thought-patterns-behind-for-good/#.V-_crfArK01
- ↑ http://www.huffingtonpost.com/robert-leahy-phd/12-worst-relationship-mindsets_b_807926.html
- ↑ Omar Ruiz, LMFT. Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist. Expert Interview. 22 April 2022.
- ↑ http://www.huffingtonpost.com/daniela-tempesta-lcsw/comparing-yourself_b_4441288.html
- ↑ Omar Ruiz, LMFT. Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist. Expert Interview. 22 April 2022.
- ↑ Omar Ruiz, LMFT. Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist. Expert Interview. 22 April 2022.
- ↑ https://www.eharmony.com/dating-advice/finding-yourself/how-to-leave-negative-thought-patterns-behind-for-good/#.V-_crfArK01
- ↑ http://www.huffingtonpost.com/robert-leahy-phd/12-worst-relationship-mindsets_b_807926.html
- ↑ http://www.huffingtonpost.com/robert-leahy-phd/12-worst-relationship-mindsets_b_807926.html
- ↑ http://marriagecounselingblog.com/self-help/the-dangers-of-negative-thinking/
- ↑ http://www.huffingtonpost.com/robert-leahy-phd/12-worst-relationship-mindsets_b_807926.html
- ↑ https://www.happify.com/hd/stop-dwelling-on-negative-thoughts/
- ↑ http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/11/16/sex-how-important-is-it_n_4275969.html
- ↑ http://www.cnn.com/2013/09/03/living/parents-marriage-tips/
- ↑ http://www.cnn.com/2013/09/03/living/parents-marriage-tips/
- ↑ http://www.huffingtonpost.com/robert-leahy-phd/12-worst-relationship-mindsets_b_807926.html
- ↑ http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/12/02/the-secret-to-relationshi_n_4326246.html
- ↑ http://www.helpguide.org/articles/stress/stress-management.htm
- ↑ http://www.helpguide.org/articles/stress/stress-management.htm
- ↑ http://www.helpguide.org/articles/stress/stress-management.htm
- ↑ Chad Herst, CPCC. Mindfulness Coach. Expert Interview. 22 March 2019.
- ↑ https://www.eharmony.com/dating-advice/finding-yourself/how-to-leave-negative-thought-patterns-behind-for-good/#.V-_crfArK01
- ↑ http://www.cnn.com/2013/09/03/living/parents-marriage-tips/
- ↑ http://www.huffingtonpost.com/robert-leahy-phd/12-worst-relationship-mindsets_b_807926.html
- ↑ https://www.eharmony.com/dating-advice/finding-yourself/how-to-leave-negative-thought-patterns-behind-for-good/#.V-_crfArK01
- ↑ Omar Ruiz, LMFT. Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist. Expert Interview. 22 April 2022.
- ↑ Omar Ruiz, LMFT. Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist. Expert Interview. 22 April 2022.
- ↑ http://www.cnn.com/2013/09/03/living/parents-marriage-tips/
- ↑ Chad Herst, CPCC. Mindfulness Coach. Expert Interview. 22 March 2019.
- ↑ Omar Ruiz, LMFT. Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist. Expert Interview. 22 April 2022.
- ↑ http://psychcentral.com/lib/depression-and-letting-go-of-negative-thoughts/
About this article
Omar Ruiz, LMFT
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
This article was co-authored by Omar Ruiz, LMFT. Omar Ruiz is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and the Owner of TalkThinkThrive, PLLC. With over 11 years of counseling experience, he specializes in helping couples resolve issues and restore intimacy. He has been featured in numerous publications, including The New York Times, Women’s Health, and WebMD. Omar holds a BS in Psychology from Howard University and an MS in Family Therapy from The University of Massachusetts Boston. This article has been viewed 36,418 times.
Co-authors: 20
Updated: September 22, 2022
Views: 36,418
Thanks to all authors for creating a page that has been read 36,418 times.
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