How to Avoid Fighting with Your Significant Other

No matter how compatible two people in a relationship are, they aren’t going to agree or get along all the time. Arguing is a natural and sometimes even healthy part of a relationship; but that doesn’t mean you should encourage it. Too much fighting and arguments that go unresolved can destroy seemingly strong relationships. So, even if you can’t completely avoid fighting with your significant other, you can limit its frequency and its severity.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Preventing Unnecessary Fights

1
Show interest in your partner. Showing interest in your partner’s life and what he or she has to say can help prevent and limit conflict within your relationship. Arguments are more likely to erupt when one side feels ignored or made insignificant in the relationship. All of us want to be seen and heard, especially by our significant other.^{[1]XResearch source}
- Simple acts like asking “How was your day?” — and actually listening to the response — can help diffuse tensions and potentially avoid unnecessary fights. Paying attention to each other facilitates conversation, and conversation can lead to constructive resolution of potential problems before they boil over into a fight.
2
See your partner’s side of things. No matter how alike the two of you happen to be, you’re not going to see eye-to-eye on every topic, be it money, child-rearing, household chores, etc. When your views vary, however, it is vital that you identify, understand, and most of all respect your partner’s perspective. A perceived lack of respect is another major cause of arguments.^{[2]XResearch source}
- For instance, say that your partner pinches every penny as a means of security for the future, while you like to spend a bit because you see it as a means for enjoyment. Instead of griping about her being a cheapskate, consider her point of view. Did she grow up in a home without financial security? Does she have specific goals for the future that she’s trying to prepare for? Understanding and mutual respect are critical steps toward compromise.
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3
Address deeper issues. Have you ever had a fight over who put the scissors in the wrong drawer? Or which one of you set the thermostat to 71 degrees instead of 72? Stupid fights happen in all relationships, but usually a deeper cause is lurking below the surface of the silly, superficial reason for the fight. If you seem to always be having fights over trivial matters, it may be time to look at root causes.^{[3]XResearch source}
- Deeper causes of arguments can involve things like partners living increasingly different lives, addiction or substance abuse, affairs, or a decline in feelings of love by one party. Such causes are often best addressed with the help of a professional counselor.
4
Disrupt the patterns. We’ve all heard the saying “practice makes perfect,” but in relationships, the more accurate phrase may be “practice makes permanent.” Nagging, criticizing, bickering, and fighting can become habits within a relationship, drawing from the same sources and following the same “script” time and again. Fighting can become almost a reflex when the typical conditions present themselves.^{[4]XResearch source}
- Sometimes we subconsciously associate a situation — seeing your partner sitting on the couch watching TV — with a pattern of criticism — “Why don’t you get up and help out with all the things that need done?” — that leads to recurrent arguments. Creating even silly rules to disrupt the pattern — no criticism allowed when someone is seated on the red sofa, or no fighting while the TV is on — can help break up the fighting routine and spur meaningful discussions instead.
5
Keep things in perspective. Always remember that you are trying to prevent unnecessary fights, not “cure” fighting. Some fighting in a relationship is normal. You simply need to work on making the fights that do happen manageable and productive.^{[5]XResearch source}
- Keep your priorities in order. If your relationship is more important to you than the argument, or more important than winning the argument, then act accordingly when fighting. Accept the argument as normal, and let it run its course; don’t make the situation worse for the sake of trying to “score points” or “win.”
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Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Fighting Fair

1
Seize the opportunity. Arguments are a normal part of any relationship, but that does not mean you should pick fights to be “healthy.” However, when an unavoidable fight does occur, treat it like another unavoidable part of life — a mistake. Use it as an opportunity for learning and growth, personally and as a partnership.^{[6]XResearch source}
- Focus on the positive ends that can come from the unpleasant reality of a fight with your significant other, and don’t say or do things that will jeopardize this opportunity.
- You might start out by saying something like, “I really want for us to resolve this issue because I think that it will bring us even closer together if we can come to an agreement.”
2
Take a break. While it’s always ideal to resolve disagreements sooner rather than later, it is more important to ensure a proper and full resolution. Try taking a break before a fight and resume your discussion after you both feel calm and ready to talk. Try to use the break as a way to ensure that both of you will be calm and ready to discuss the issues, not as an excuse to sulk or get angrier.
- Even walking away for a minute or taking a short break during a fight can be helpful. Arguments with a significant other can drain you, and this can make you say or do things you will regret. Take a minute to clear your thoughts, rest, and reconsider the argument, then return when you feel better.
- You may find that you need a break during an argument as well. To determine if you need a break during an argument, take a minute to listen to your body.^{[7]XResearch source} Do you feel tired, shaky, or sick? If you are having any sort of negative reaction to your anger, then make sure that you ask your partner for a break right away.
- To initiate a break, try saying something like, "I think we should wait to discuss this until we are both calm and ready to listen to each other. Can we wait a little while before we have this discussion?" or say “I am really tired, but I know that we need to talk about this. Is it okay if we take a break and resume our discussion later?”
3
State your needs. It is important to keep your partner's feelings and needs in mind when you fight and to express yourself in a way that will lead to a solution. When you “fight nice” and avoid pushing things out of control, you’re more likely to get past the argument and learn from it.^{[8]XResearch source}
- Focus on what you need from your partner instead of accusing your partner of doing or not doing something. For example, don't say “You never help with the kids!” Instead, try to say something along the lines of “I could really use a hand when the kids need their baths.”
4
Listen. It is important to express what you need during an argument, but you will also need to listen to your partner as well. Make sure that wen your partner is talking, you are giving him or her your full attention.
- Put away your phone or laptop, turn off the TV, and remove any other distractions.
- Make eye contact with your partner and nod to acknowledge that you are listening.
- Use neutral statements such as "Yes," "I see," and "Go on," to show your partner that you are listening.
- Restate what your significant other has just said to make sure that you understood correctly. You might start by saying some like, "Let me make sure that I understood you correctly..."^{[9]XResearch source}
5
Break the cycle. Psychologists sometimes describe regular fighting by a couple as emblematic of an ongoing cycle of guilt and anger. Basically, when your partner raises a concern, you feel accused and at least a bit guilty. To divert or temper this guilt, you externalize it as anger and blame your partner, who in turn now feels accused and guilty. And so on the cycle goes.^{[10]XResearch source} If a fight breaks out, then try:
- Whispering. If you and your partner tend to yell at each other during arguments, then try to make a it a rule that you will whisper to each other when you are having a strong feeling about something. This can help to prevent the argument from escalating.
- Taking turns stating your feelings. Instead of engaging in a back and forth argument, try taking turns explaining how you feel. Allow five minutes each for you and your partner to calmly express your feelings to each other. Then take a 20 break in separate rooms to think over what the other person has said.
- Focusing on the problem at hand. An argument may escalate if you bring up lots of other issues in addition to the immediate problem. Instead of bringing up lots of other issues, focus on the most pressing problem for now and hold off on discussing the other problems.^{[11]XResearch source}
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Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Addressing Common Fight Topics

1
Consider the core issues. Study after study finds that the “big five” reasons why couples fight are: money, sex, kids, in-laws, and chores. It is safe to assume that, if you are in a committed, long-term relationship, one or more of these topics will become a bone of contention. Accept that such fights make you normal, but don’t accept the idea that there is no way to either avoid or moderate them.^{[12]XResearch source}
- All these “big five” fight topics, however, tend to boil down to a feeling of disconnection by at least one partner — the feeling that my significant other doesn’t understand or care how I feel. Cutting down on your fights over money or sex will not magically solve this disconnect, although it will help. Never lose sight of the deeper issues behind fights, and work to address them.
2
Manage your money disputes. When couples fight over money, it is almost always because one partner seems to spend more than his or her “fair share,” or because of divergent short- and/or long-term financial objectives. Pairing a “spender” and a “saver” in a relationship may create friction, but it also can help keep a healthy balance regarding money, if the couple can find ways to deal with their differences without excessive fighting.^{[13]XResearch source}
- At a basic level, you have to accept your partner’s different view of money, even if it grates at you. Putting yourself in the business of trying to force your partner to change his or her ways is not usually a path to relationship success.
- Once you accept your differences, work together to establish financial goals that you can agree upon. Open up a spreadsheet and develop a detailed budget, if that helps.
- Consider opening up multiple bank accounts, but not of the “your money” and “my money” variety. Instead, keep a joint account for necessary spending and saving, and two separate (and equal) accounts for discretionary spending — one for each of you to use as you see fit.
3
Talk about sex. If fights about money usually pit “spenders” against “savers,” fights over bedroom activity usually involve “initiators” (the partner who wants and requests sex more often) and “distancers” (the partner who tends to say “no” or “not now” for any variety of reasons). Once again, a pairing of these opposites can create a healthy balance, but only if excessive fighting can be avoided.^{[14]XResearch source}
- Sex can be a very sensitive subject, and personal attacks regarding bedroom activity can be very damaging to a relationship. Avoid criticising your partner’s apparent lack of desire or excessive desire; instead, work to see things from your partner’s perspective.
- For some “distancers,” it can be helpful to view sex as a task that needs to be penciled into the “to-do” schedule. For “initiators,” try only to pursue sex when you’re really in the mood, not because “it’s been awhile” or out of boredom, etc.
4
Coordinate home and family chores. Doing the laundry. Mowing the lawn. Cleaning the bathroom. Bathing the kids. People don’t tend to picture these kinds of things when idealizing their relationship, but they are essential components of it — and common sources of arguments. The problem usually boils down to a feeling of unequal distribution, that is, that one partner is shouldering an unfair amount of the chore load. Like most common argument topics, the first order of business is to talk about the issue before you start yelling about it.^{[15]XResearch source}
- Try sitting down and drawing up a list of the home / family tasks that each of you tend to do. Once you have listed them, you may find that the distribution is more equal than you thought, or might have the evidence needed to prompt an adjustment.
- Don’t get bogged down over minor details, though. If you taking out the trash — even though it would be more fair if your partner did it — prevents stupid fights, just do it. Your relationship is more important than those occasional trash runs.
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