How to Ask a Guy out Without Being Nervous

It’s normal to feel nervous about asking a guy out. This is especially true if you hardly know him or if you’re naturally shy. However, you can conquer or hide your nervousness by controlling your body language, rehearsing key bits of dialogue beforehand, and – this is crucial – breathing. Before you know it, you’ll be able to start asking guys out with ease.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Starting a Conversation

If you know each other, a friendly “Hey, John! How’s it going?” is a good opener. On the other hand, if you’ve never spoken to him before, it’s a good idea to introduce yourself. Start with something like, "Hi! You're John, right? I'm Jane. Nice to meet you!"
2
Find some common ground. Immediately follow up your introduction with something both of you can relate to. Being in the same class, at the same concert, in the same aisle at the bookstore, on the same train platform, etc. gives you something in common.^{[1]XResearch source} Feel free to mix questions with general statements or light opinions. You could ask:
- "What do you think of that article Prof. Smith had us read last weekend?"
- "I hope they sing “Ruby” next. Which of their songs do you like?"
- "I've been a fan of Margaret Atwood for years. Now that Hag-Seed is in print, I must have it! What brings you here?"
- "Now that I finally have a day off, I'm going to catch the Rauschenberg exhibition at the Tate Modern. Where are you heading?"
3
Ask his opinion about a possible common interest. Finding out what you both like and dislike can lead to possible ideas for a date. Look for clues such as the title of the book he’s thumbing through, a remark about a TV show he watched last night, or his plans for the day. You could consider asking:
- “Is that the book about Harry Potter and his friends as adults? I haven’t read that one yet. Would you recommend it based on what you’re skimming?”
- “A few of my friends are hooked on ‘Jessica Jones’ and are trying to get me to watch a few episodes. Are you into comic books in general or just Marvel characters?”
- “I’ve never been to that neighborhood, but I hear the food’s great! Which restaurants do you recommend?”
4
Give him a compliment. While you don't want to immediately tell him how gorgeous you think he is, a few general compliments are safe bets. You can also use them to follow up with questions or comments as the conversation develops. You could say:
- "I really like that point you made about Hamlet in English Lit. What made you think of that?"
- "It's so nice that you dedicate your weekends to volunteering at the animal shelter. You set a great example for the rest of us."
- "You really keep your car in great condition! What's your secret?"
- “Congratulations on your promotion! I bet you’re excited to be moving up in the world.”
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Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Building and Showing Confidence

Just as you would rehearse for a play or a presentation, you should practice what you want to say and how you plan to communicate. Work on your natural tone of voice. Practice in front of a mirror and with your friends, paying attention to your facial expressions and body language as you talk. Watch out for fidgeting, stammering, and too many “ums” or “ers.”
Communication is seven percent verbal and 93 percent body language. To appear confident, keep your body still, your posture straight, and your stance relaxed. Performing repetitive movements, crossing your arms, or playing with your hair makes you look nervous.^{[2]XResearch source}
Take deep breaths and speak at your normal pace. If you take enough air into your lungs, you can avoid sounding out of breath. Use the same tone of voice you would use when talking to your friends. Don’t make yourself sound overly dramatic or computerized.
Remind yourself that it’s not a life-or-death situation. Talking to your friends beforehand can calm you down. If things get tense during the conversation, look for a fixed point in the distance. This will allow you to get a sense of the surrounding space and remind you that the walls are not closing in.^{[3]XTrustworthy SourceHarvard Business ReviewOnline and print journal covering topics related to business management practicesGo to source}
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Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Asking Him Out

1
Have at least one specific event in mind. Check the local newspaper, cultural websites, or your social network for new movies, festivals, parties, or other events happening in your city. Base your ideas on what you learned about your common interests. You could ask:
- “The latest X-Men movie opens on Friday night. Would you like to go?”
- “Since we’re both into sustainability, how about going to the Green Festival this weekend?”
- “I'm going to Susie's Halloween party on Saturday. Do you want to go with me?”
- “You mentioned that you’ve never been to a gallery hop. The Main Street hop is this Friday, and almost everything is free of charge. I’ll go if you do!”
Frowning while talking to your crush can make you look desperate or nervous. Studies show that we react more positively to people who smile.^{[4]XResearch source} Even if you’re feeling a bit down, a simple smile can brighten the mood and keep him engaged in the conversation.
It’s true that eye contact conveys confidence. However, too much eye contact could make him feel awkward.^{[5]XResearch source} Try to talk to him the way you talk to your friends. A few seconds of eye contact throughout the conversation shows your interest in what he’s saying, but it’s perfectly fine to look away every now and then.^{[6]XResearch source}
4
Don’t worry if he says no. Everyone, even that A-list celebrity you think is flawless, has been rejected at one point or another. If this happens, give him some space and let things develop naturally. Maybe you can be friends eventually. Most importantly, don’t beat yourself up or dwell on the negative. Seek support from your friends, and focus on what makes you awesome!
- Remember—it might be a little awkward at first if your feelings are unrequited, but most likely things will go back to some version of normal after a certain amount of time.
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Expert Q&A

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Should I tell my roommate I have a crush on them?
Lena Dicken, Psy.D
Clinical Psychologist
Dr. Lena Dicken is a Clinical Psychologist based in Santa Monica, California. With over eight years of experience, Dr. Dicken specializes in therapy for anxiety, depression, life transitions, and relationship difficulties. She utilizes an integrative approach combining Psychodynamic, Cognitive Behavioral, and Mindfulness-based therapies. Dr. Dicken holds a BS in Integrative Medicine from the University of Hawaii at Manoa, an MA in Counseling Psychology from Argosy University Los Angeles, and a Doctor of Psychology (Psy.D) in Clinical Psychology from the Chicago School of Professional Psychology at Westwood. Dr. Dicken’s work has been featured in GOOP, The Chalkboard Magazine, and in numerous other articles and podcasts. She is a licensed psychologist with the state of California.
Lena Dicken, Psy.D
Clinical Psychologist
Expert Answer
If you have very mild feelings, you might be able to just sit on them for a while and wait things out. If they're stronger feelings, it's worth saying something, as unresolved feelings can bubble up and cause problems in a relationship. Sometimes, it's just a matter of getting things off your chest and embracing the freedom that comes with that. Remember—all sorts of things can be salvageable!
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Tips

Let the real you shine! Don't pretend to be someone or something you're not just to impress him. It's stressful and exhausting. If he cannot accept the real you, set your sights on someone who will.
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Warnings

Don't keep asking him out if he says no the first time. Being too persistent makes you look desperate.
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Use caution if your crush is also your co-worker. It's one thing to take a risk with a guy who you can avoid easily if you split up. It's another to date -- and fall out with -- a guy you might have to work with for years to come.
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Don't try to ask a guy out if you know he's already seeing someone else.
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