How to Ask Loved Ones for Help when You Live Alone

While living alone allows you to be independent and self-sufficient, there are times when you might not be able to or want to be on your own. While it can be difficult to ask for help, remember that your loved ones care about you and want to support you. Think about your needs and how someone else can help you. Be gentle in your requests and how you ask for help. Finally, be willing to reach out for any support you need, especially social support.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Figuring Out Your Needs

1
Be confident. It can be difficult to reach out for help, especially if you’re used to living alone and being independent. If you need help due to mental health problems, addictions, or you’re just really in a bind, remind yourself that this person loves you. They may be flattered that you confided in them or asked for help. It’s okay to reach out to your loved ones when you have a need.
- If you discuss a personal matter in confidence, say to your loved one, “Thank you for listening and being a friend. I want you to know that what we discussed is private and stays between us. Please don’t share this with anyone else.”
2
Think about what you need. Before you reach out for help, think about what it is you hope your loved ones can do for you. You may want emotional support, social support, medical assistance, help in the home, or financial contributions. What you want may influence how you ask and who you ask. For example, a request for money may be very different than a request for emotional support.
- Think about something specific that you’d like help with before you make a request. Instead of saying, “I want help with my addiction” say, “I’d like help making sure I get to therapy and group therapy each week. Can you drive me?”
3
Make a reasonable request. You might need $52,000 for medical expenses; however, it’s unreasonable to ask for or expect someone to pay for that. Instead, you may say, “Recovery is difficult and I haven’t made it back to work yet. It’s hard to take care of the house by myself, and I’m wondering if you can help me with finances.” Asking someone to take time off from their full-time job to help you after surgery may be too much, however, it’s more reasonable to ask someone to check on you after work a few times.^{[1]XResearch source}
- Don’t make demands of people. Often, the tone of voice and words chosen are the difference between asking and telling. Say, “Would you be willing to buy cat food?” or, “Can you help me with my laundry?” instead of pressuring someone or demanding something.^{[2]XResearch source}
- Try giving the person two or three options for ways they can help you so they can choose what works best for them. You could tell them some of the things you need help with and ask, "Do you think you could help me with one of these things?"
4
Consider their needs, but don't be afraid to ask for help. While it is important to consider what your loved ones have going on in their own lives before you ask for help, this should not necessarily stop you from asking for help. You may be afraid that the person is too busy and you don't want to disrupt their lives, but don't assume your friend cannot or will not help you because they have their own struggles. Remember that this person cares about you, and part of being a friend is being able to ask for help when you need it. Just remember that they may not be able to help you, and that's okay.^{[3]XExpert SourceAdam Dorsay, PsyD
Licensed Psychologist & CounselorExpert Interview. 27 March 2020.}
- Consider how you might return the favor. If it’s an hour-long drive for your loved one, consider offering something in return for their help, such as babysitting their kids or helping them in a way that they need it.
- If someone does agree to help you, be sure to express gratitude for their care and kindness.
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Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Making Your Request

1
Schedule a date. Whether it’s a lunch or dinner date or a yoga class, find time to meet with a loved one in-person.^{[4]XTrustworthy SourceHelpGuideNonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.Go to source} If you need help, it may be easier to ask over an activity than completely out-of-the-blue. Don’t make the meeting all about asking for help, but do use it as an opportunity to state your needs.
- Say, “Your friendship is important to me and I care about you deeply. This is why I’m hoping you’d be willing to help me.”
2
Use technology. If getting together isn’t possible, use technology to get in touch. While face-to-face interactions are better, technology can be a good substitute, especially if loved ones are far away. Write an email, send a text, or schedule a video call to your loved ones and let them know what’s going on.^{[5]XExpert SourceAdam Dorsay, PsyD
Licensed Psychologist & CounselorExpert Interview. 27 March 2020.}
- You can say, “It’s difficult living on my own, especially when I’m in need of help. Even though you’re far away, I’m hoping you can help me.”
3
Give some advance notice. If you’re getting surgery and are asking for help with recovery, let your loved ones know ahead of time what you need. For example, you can say, “I need someone to drive me to and from my surgery in two weeks. Are you available?” or, “It would be helpful if someone could give me my medications once I’m home.”
- If your loved ones need to take time off of work, travel, or buy something, they should have time to prepare for these circumstances.
4
Ask multiple people. If you have a large request, consider asking several loved ones for help. For example, if you have a medical problem, reach out to several people to help you manage it. If you have daily appointments, have someone help you for one day each. This ensures that you get your needs met without relying too heavily on one person.
- Say, “Because I cannot drive, I need help getting to my regular appointments. Would you be able to drive me on Tuesdays?”
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Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Reaching Out for Social Support

1
Talk about it. Whatever you need help with, it can be cathartic to talk about it with someone you love. Think about someone who makes you feel safe and understood and reach out to them. Even if there’s nothing the person can do to make the situation better, it can still be calming for you to talk about it.^{[6]XTrustworthy SourceHelpGuideNonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.Go to source}
- Be clear about what you want. If you just want a listening ear, say so. If you’re looking for advice or another perspective, communicate that. This can help shape how the person responds to you.
- You can say, "I'm feeling lonely and depressed, do you have time to talk?" or, "I need some advice on dealing with insurance, do you think you could help?"
2
Do activities together. Asking for support from friends and family may be as simple as inviting someone to join you for activities. If you feel lonely and want to try new things, enlist the support of a loved one. For example, go to a yoga class together or take a bike ride. Activities are a great way to spend time together, build friendship, and build your hobbies and skills.^{[7]XExpert SourceAdam Dorsay, PsyD
Licensed Psychologist & CounselorExpert Interview. 27 March 2020.}
- Make jewelry, learn a new language, or begin painting. You can also volunteer or join a gym.
- Consider, too, that these activities may help you expand your social circle further, especially if you don't know anyone locally.
3
Ask someone to check in on you. If you are sick, unwell, or in recovery, ask for a weekly or daily check-in.^{[8]XTrustworthy SourceHelpGuideNonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.Go to source} This can be a personal visit, email, phone call, or video call. Tell the person why you’d like the be checked on and what time would be best. Let them know any questions you’d like them to ask you or specific things to check in on.
- Say, “It’d be helpful if you could check in on me each week. It’s hard for me to get back on my feet, and knowing you’re looking after me would help me.”
- Even if you live far from loved ones, these check-ins can be helpful in feeling loved and supported from a distance.
4
Join a support group. If you feel alone or isolated yet your loved ones are far from you, consider joining a support group. Support groups exist for people who have medical and mental illnesses, addictions, or share similar life circumstances. Attending a support group can be a great way to receive social and emotional support from your community.^{[9]XTrustworthy SourceAmerican Psychological AssociationLeading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologistsGo to source}
- If you’re nervous to attend a support group, ask a loved one to attend the first meeting with you, if at all possible.
- Join an in-person group in your community by calling up your local hospital, mental health clinic, or asking a spiritual advisor. You can also join on-line support groups.
- Becoming involved in a church/spiritual community or another close-knit group can help increase support and take the weight off just one person.
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How can I help my partner feel less stressed?
Adam Dorsay, PsyD
Licensed Psychologist & TEDx Speaker
Dr. Adam Dorsay is a licensed psychologist in private practice in San Jose, CA, and the co-creator of Project Reciprocity, an international program at Facebook's Headquarters, and a consultant with Digital Ocean’s Safety Team. He specializes in assisting high-achieving adults with relationship issues, stress reduction, anxiety, and attaining more happiness in their lives. In 2016 he gave a well-watched TEDx talk about men and emotions. Dr. Dorsay has a M.A. in Counseling from Santa Clara University and received his doctorate in Clinical Psychology in 2008.
Adam Dorsay, PsyD
Licensed Psychologist & TEDx Speaker
Expert Answer
So, step one is to be less stressed yourself. If you're totally stressed out, that's not going to give your partner any comfort. It's also possible that your partner may need some alone time. Ask them if they want a spa day to themselves, or if they want to take a day off from work. This brings us to the second step: communication. Ask your partner what they need from you! Maybe they just want to connect over a nice dinner, or maybe they want to go on a weekend trip. It really depends on how they relax.
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