How to Handle Arguments with a Spouse Who Has ADHD

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Plus, why ADHD can result in argumentative behavior in adults

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• Ground Rules for Fighting Fair
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• Why Arguments Spiral
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• Supporting a Spouse with ADHD
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• Expert Interview

|Show more|Show less

When you’re in a relationship with someone who has ADHD, it can feel like your arguments blow up in a matter of seconds. Understanding how your partner thinks and what their emotional reactions mean will help you defuse tough situations and have calm, reasonable discussions together. For our expert tips on fighting fair, how to avoid unnecessary arguments, and insight into an ADHD person’s mind, keep reading.

This article is based on an interview with our marriage and family therapist, Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC. Check out the full interview here.

Things You Should Know

• When you’re arguing with someone who has ADHD, restate their words and take notes about important info so you can both look back at them later on.
• Take a 5- to 10-minute break to cool off if things start getting heated so you and your partner can gather your thoughts. Resume the conversation when you're both calm.
• Pick your battles, and let little things go in order to avoid arguments that escalate.

Steps

Section 1 of 3:

Ground Rules for Fighting Fair

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   Restate your partner’s words in your own words. Sometimes, people with ADHD have a hard time expressing what they mean. If you aren’t sure what your partner is trying to say (or you can’t quite grasp it because of their tone), rephrase what you think they’re saying. This gives them a chance to correct you if it’s not quite right or add in missing info that you need.

   • Maybe your partner says, “I can’t believe you went to Hank’s house without me.” You could say, “What I’m hearing you say is that you’re upset I saw Hank without you because you also wanted to visit him. Is that right?”
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   Take notes during challenging discussions. It can seem strange to whip out a notebook during an argument, but it can save a lot of time and effort in the future. When you and your partner discuss tough things, jot down notes about the essential facts or agreements you came to. Since people with ADHD sometimes have trouble remembering details, having written notes can help. You might take notes on things like:

   • What caused the argument. “Disagreement because I told Jenny she forgot to do the dishes. She’s upset with my tone and my nagging.”
   • How the issue was resolved. “Talked about splitting the workload when we have busy weeks; sharing some of the chores when one of us is too tired after work.”
   • Next steps. “Check in with each other on Mondays to figure out who is really busy and who can pick up the extra slack.”
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   Keep your partner’s values in mind. The things that are important to your partner might not be as important to you. Whenever you’re struggling to understand why your partner is upset, think about the values behind their argument.

   • Let’s say you’re having an argument about cooking: your partner wants to sign up for a meal plan service to save time, but you want to save money and buy the ingredients yourself. Since your partner values time over money, it makes sense that they are so passionate about this topic.
   • To compromise, you could sign up for a meal plan service every other week.
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   Take a break to cool off if you need to. Emotions can run high during arguments, especially for people with ADHD (who often struggle to control their emotions). If either of you starts getting frustrated or raising your voice, call for a 5- to 10-minute break and go take a walk. Emphasize that you’ll be coming back to finish the discussion, but don’t let things keep escalating if they don’t need to.

   • Say something like, “This is quickly turning unproductive. I’m going to take a walk around the block to gather my thoughts, and when I come back, we can keep talking.”
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   Ask your partner to take a break if they start getting angry. It’s very easy for people with ADHD to get frustrated. To stop an argument, look for signs like heavy breathing, flared nostrils, or clenched fists that could indicate your partner is getting mad. When you notice these things, calm your partner down by asking them if they need a break.

   • Say something like, “I can tell you’re getting upset. Want to take a 5-minute pause?”
   • This will give your partner a chance to calm down and also think through what they want to say next.
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   Let the little things go. When you’re with someone who has ADHD, there are things you may have to deal with that they can’t control. Before bringing something up, ask yourself: is this worth the time and emotional stress it might cause? If not, then consider letting it slide for now.

   • For instance, maybe your partner keeps leaving their dirty socks on the floor. If you know they’ve had a busy week at work and probably just forgot this one time, then it’s not worth mentioning or starting an argument.
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Section 2 of 3:

Why Arguments Spiral

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   People with ADHD tend to get defensive. You might notice that your partner has a reactive personality, and tends to blow up in anger quicker than you do. People with ADHD can often react with emotions rather than thinking things through, which can escalate an argument quickly. This could be a reason why your spouse immediately jumps into defense mode whenever you bring up any issue.

   • Let’s say you approach your spouse because the yard needs to be mowed, and that’s their chore. Even if you casually remind them, they might immediately start yelling about how busy they are. This is because they took your reminder as an attack and felt like they had to defend themselves about it.
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   They may struggle with a poor memory. One of the symptoms of ADHD that some people experience is a poor or hazy memory. This can make it tough to recall details, especially during emotional moments (like an argument). It might be tough for your spouse to remember exactly what happened before or during an argument.
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   People with ADHD sometimes start fights as a form of stimulation. People with ADHD are often looking for new ways to give their brain stimulation. Picking a fight with their partner is one way to get emotions and adrenaline flowing. This is often a subconscious effort, so they aren’t doing it on purpose, but your partner may start meaningless fights simply because their brain is lacking in stimulation.

   • Again, this is not something your partner is doing on purpose or even something that they enjoy doing. However, the stimulation from an argument can excite their mind and give them a boost of serotonin.
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   They may have trouble articulating themselves. Folks with ADHD sometimes describe their thoughts as moving faster than their mouths. During an argument, it can be tough for your spouse to gather their thoughts and form coherent discussion points. This, in turn, can frustrate them and make them even angrier.

   • This is why it’s so important to give your spouse breaks. It will let them slow down their mind and gather their thoughts properly before coming back to talk again.
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   They sometimes say things without thinking. Has your spouse ever said something really nasty in the heat of the moment? While it’s not an excuse, many people with ADHD find that they have trouble controlling their impulses, especially when emotions are high. Your spouse may blurt out something insulting without really thinking about it first.
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Section 3 of 3:

Supporting a Spouse with ADHD

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   Learn more about ADHD and its symptoms. The most important thing is to understand the limitations of ADHD and set realistic expectations for your partner. It doesn’t mean that you will automatically forgive them for any mistakes, but if you understand them and their disorder, you are less likely to get angry and annoyed. ADHD is a complex diagnosis, and your partner’s symptoms may differ from other people’s. Do your own research about ADHD, but also talk to your spouse about their experience. Learning more about what they’re going through will help you handle tough situations and empathize with your partner. Common symptoms of ADHD in adults include:

   • Poor time management
   • Lack of attention to detail
   • Short attention span
   • Difficulty organizing tasks
   • Excessive talking or movement
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   Acknowledge your partner’s efforts. Supporting your partner with ADHD can sometimes feel like you’re rewarding basic behavior, but every little bit counts. When you can tell your partner is really making an effort (to clean up more, to be on time, to not interrupt you), thank them for it. This lets them know that you see how hard they’re working so they’re more likely to continue the behavior in the future.

   • “The kitchen looks great! Thanks for staying so on top of it this week.”
   • “I can tell how much effort you’re putting in to let me finish talking before you start. It means a lot.”
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   Ask your partner for things instead of demanding them. When you’re in a relationship with someone who has ADHD, it can feel like a parent-child dynamic sometimes. Break free of this role by asking your partner to do things instead of telling them what to do. This will help them become less defensive and also stop you from feeling like you have to nag or remind them.

   • “Do you have time to clean the basement this week? I’d really like it if we could get that done.”
   • “Would you mind taking out the trash at some point this afternoon?”
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   Capture your partner’s full attention when telling them things. People with ADHD can often be distracted by other things. If you’re telling your partner something important, like when a chore needs to get done, look them in the eye and ask them to stop doing whatever it is they’re doing. If they’re busy or distracted, wait until a later time.

   • Touching them on the arm or the back is a good way to direct their attention back to you.
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