How to Argue Effectively with a Person in a Position of Privilege

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parts

1Staying Calm and Rational

2Making Your Argument

3Reflecting After the Argument

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Questions & Answers

Tips and Warnings

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References

Arguing with a person in a position of privilege can be very stressful, especially if they don’t acknowledge that their ideas may be biased based on their position. To have the most effective discussion you can, you should prepare what you want to say, stay calm during the discussion, and take time to reflect on the argument. Always aim for a constructive, productive conversation that helps both of you learn from each other’s perspectives.

Steps

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Staying Calm and Rational

1. 
   1
   Decide what you want to accomplish from this situation. Clarifying your goals to yourself before confronting the person will help you to organize your argument better and have a calm, productive discussion. Think about the situation, then reflect on what you’d like to say and the best way to say it.

   • For example, if you’re at work and hear a man say something negative about a woman based on her gender, your goals may be to point out his judgmental error and to help him start to change. To do this, you’ll need to stay calm and focus on not alienating him, which will make him less likely to change his behavior.
2. 
   2
   Choose logical, persuasive evidence to support your argument (if needed). Think of points that you can bring up to show why the person should consider your side of the argument. Do some research from multiple sources, if you can, and focus on finding supporting evidence that will be effective for the person you’re talking to, in particular. However, recognize that sources may not help if the person doesn't want to listen to you.

   • For example, if you’re talking to someone who values numbers and straight facts over emotional or ethical points, focus your argument around statistics rather than personal anecdotes.
   • Always be careful to read and research using reliable news sources.
3. 
   3
   Research or think about their likely counterarguments. Not only should you know your side, you should know the likely counterarguments that will arise from the other person. That way, you will be prepared to rebut them. If you have time, do some quick research and look at articles that have an opposing view to yours. If you don’t, try to put yourself in the other person’s shoes and think about what they might say to counter your arguments.

   • For instance, some people in positions of privilege think reports of other people's suffering are exaggerated or distorted, perhaps because they don’t encounter it in their daily lives. Find data that shows evidence of the suffering and the disadvantages that follow.
   • Learning more about their side might feel aggravating or painful. Push through if you can, and don’t hesitate to ask friends or family for support. Remember that you’re doing this to make your own argument even stronger.
4. 
   4
   Assume that the person is ignorant, not malicious. Sometimes, people say or do hurtful things because they don't know any better. When you assume that they’re simply a bad person, you go into the argument aggressively, looking to bring them down—and you stand a much lower chance of actually affecting change. Instead, tell yourself that they’re a good person who made a mistake. Starting with this attitude can help build goodwill, and encourage the other person to live up to your positive expectations.

   • Avoid publicly shaming them for being wrong. This can drive away well-meaning people who made a one-time mistake, and make others feel defensive and more likely to respond with aggression.
   • If you know this person as someone who is routinely mean, even after they're asked to stop it, set boundaries and spend less time with them. Spend your time talking to someone who will be open to your views.

   Tip: Sometimes, a person who says something ignorant could be a future ally who means well. They just might be misinformed. Other people may not mean the best but are willing to do better with encouragement. Not everyone who says something bad is truly awful. Try inviting them to learn what's right. They may just take you up on it.
5. 
   5
   Avoid the argument if the other person could harm you. If the person holds a position of power over you, or could pose a safety threat, it may be dangerous to call them out. If you could lose your job, get kicked out of your house, be physically attacked, or otherwise be harmed by disagreeing with this person, don't get into the argument. As passionately as you might feel about it, your physical and emotional safety always come first.

   • For example, addressing a new boss's inappropriate comment could negatively impact your working relationship, especially if they aren't the type to care about respecting others. It's unfair, but it's a choice you may have to make.
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Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Making Your Argument

1. 
   1
   Start by establishing your shared values and common ground. If you begin by picking a fight, you'll get a fight—and you won’t change the person’s opinion. If you start out trying to persuade a good person to consider new ideas, you're much more likely to succeed. Empathize and state your shared values, such as the desire to be helpful or to spread accurate information, before you get into the things you disagree about.

   • For example, you could say, "I know we both want to keep our neighborhood safe and happy. I’m worried that these new policies will actually make it less safe for people of color, when they just want to go about their business without being hassled."
   • You could also say something like, "I really admire that you want to support autistic people. I’m not sure if you realize that Autism Speaks is actually scam that says awful things about autistic people and supports questionable therapies. I could suggest a few organizations that help autistic people.”
2. 
   2
   Acknowledge any truths in their argument or positive attributes in their character. People can easily take criticism of their behavior as criticism of their character, which can shut them down and make them unwilling to consider your views. Make it clear that you respect them as a person and try to acknowledge anything about their position that is partially true, or at least acknowledge the person in a positive way.

   • For example, if your friend has been making unfounded statements about a specific community, you could say, "You're such a fair-minded person. I'm surprised to hear this kind of thing coming from you."
   • If you're introducing them to a type of discrimination that they weren't familiar with, you could say "I know you're a really empathetic and caring person, and I'm sure you don't like how people are treated this way either."
   • If your neighbor puts down someone with a disability, say, "I know you’re a really thoughtful person, so I’m pretty surprised that you’d judge a disabled person like that."
3. 
   3
   Point out their struggles to help them relate to those with less privilege. Even someone with every apparent advantage in life has probably struggled in some way. If you know someone well, you can refer to this. If you don't know them well, just assume that they know what it's like to be deprived of something that they need. Mention that you’re surprised that someone like them, who has gone through hardship, would be so quick to judge another person for theirs.

   • You might say, "I'm sure you've had moments where nobody listened to you and you felt hopeless. Have you ever acted out or gotten upset when you were desperate? I think that's why the protesters are doing this."
   • You can also acknowledge the ways you do have privilege, as well as the ways you do not, such as by saying, “No, I’ve never gone through something like this personally. But I’ve done a lot of research into it, and that’s why I feel this way.”

   Tip: This doesn't mean pretending that, for example, a white guy knows what it's like to be a black woman because he was an outsider once. It's more a way of introducing nuance into the discussion. It shows the other person you recognize they've had it hard too and they can empathize even without being in someone's shoes.
4. 
   4
   Ask them to consider the issue from another angle. Frame this as a thought experiment, or a low-pressure way of trying out a new perspective. They may come to new realizations and change their position. Even if they don't, the questions you ask will likely stick in their minds and they may gradually change their minds in the future.

   • For example, maybe the person complains about a group that helps a minority. You could ask, "Just think about it from another perspective. Why do you think people wanted to form this kind of organization?"
5. 
   5
   Present your arguments in a logical, compassionate way. Once you’ve shown that you respect them as a person, smoothly transition into your own argument, with supporting evidence. Maintain an even tone. Start with your most compelling evidence so that they’ll hear the most important parts of what you have to say, even if they stop listening or walk away early.

   • You could say something like, “Can I share what I think about these protests? You know that I respect you, and I know that you feel the same for me. We feel differently about this, but that doesn’t mean we can’t have a discussion about it.”
   • When you start to present your evidence, say something like, “Did you read this recent article about the protests? They interview some people who have really reasonable viewpoints. They just want a way for their voices to be heard.”
   • If they interrupt you, look at them calmly until they stop talking, then resume what you were saying.
6. 
   6
   Avoid arguments against them personally. Try not to directly attack the other person’s character or accuse them of being too privileged to understand. Blaming their opinions on their personal identity will put them on the defensive, which will make it much more difficult to get them to see past their bias. To avoid this, and focus on their views and opinions, not on who they are personally.

   • For example, instead of saying "you are racist," try "that comment had some racial undertones you might not have been aware of."
   • Avoid saying things like "you had it easy" or "you only succeeded because of privilege." This puts them on the defensive and likely isn't true. Try something like, "I think everyone deserves good opportunities and it saddens me that some people have to fight extra battles just because of who they are."
7. 
   7
   Use "I" statements rather than “you” statements to show that you’re not blaming or attacking them. Focus on your beliefs and your values, not your opinion of the other person. Here are some examples:

   • "I don't feel comfortable with comments painting Muslims as villains like that."
   • "I don't view women that way."
   • "I want to speak in ways that encourage kindness towards LGBTQ+ people. Too many of them are bullied and I want to help change that."
   • "When I talk about disability-related hardships, I try to support the self-esteem of disabled people too. Too many of them feel like burdens and I want to affirm their value. I never want them to feel at fault."
8. 
   8
   Give them a way to save face if they realize they were wrong. Even if the person starts to see that they were in the wrong, they might have a hard time admitting it, which can be a major roadblock in resolving things. Being compassionate and helping them to shift the blame allows you both to leave the argument feeling OK and having learned something.

   • For example, you can suggest that they may have gotten bad advice, that there is a lot of contradictory information that can be tough to wade through, or that a lot of people aren't aware of these things.
   • If you see a parent saying inaccurate things about autism, for instance, you could say, "It’s really hard to find good information about autism, and I think you may have gotten some bad advice. Stopping autistic children from flapping their hands can stress them out, and may cause them to have more outbursts and self-injuries. It's usually better to let them do their thing if they aren't hurting anyone."
   • If someone didn't understand that the word word g*psy is a slur, you could say "I know you didn't mean it that way. Not everyone knows the history of this word, and people misuse it all the time in casual conversation. I get why you wouldn't know and I don't blame you for not knowing. it's what you do after you know that counts."
9. 
   9
   Let them voice their thoughts and respond thoughtfully. Once you have had the opportunity to speak your mind, stay quiet and let them say their piece. Listen carefully to what they say and take a moment to reflect before you respond. Ask yourself what the best rebuttal is and how you can present in a way that will really get through to them.

   • For example, maybe they mention that some people born under the poverty line become wealthy. You could say, “It’s true that some people do, but many face fewer opportunities and more barriers. With issues like worse schools, safety problems, hunger, or family instability, hard work isn't always enough to break free. That's why I think we should have programs to help with the things that hold them back so they can succeed.”
   • Don’t just brush aside their opinions, no matter how passionately you disagree. If they feel like you’re not listening to them, they definitely won’t listen to you.
10. 
    10
    Keep your cool and stay polite, no matter how upset you feel. Effective arguing is not about who can yell the loudest, it’s about expressing your thoughts and values in a meaningful and convincing manner. If you raise your voice, they’ll respond with defensiveness, aggressiveness, or fear, and productive dialogue will be lost. If you start getting frustrated, angry, or overwhelmed, find ways to calm yourself.

    • Take a moment to calm down. Try closing your eyes and taking a long, deep breath. Try not to do this in an obnoxious way. The person could see this as a sign of aggravation and not want to continue the conversation with you.
    • If the other person starts getting upset, stay calm. Say, “We both feel really passionately about this and I’m getting upset too. Let’s focus on talking about this calmly so we can both get something out of this discussion.”
11. 
    11
    Take a break if you’re getting too worked up. Say "I need some air" or "Okay, I need a break from this conversation" if you feel they’re not respecting your opinion or if you’re getting too upset to keep talking. Remember that some people just aren't ready to listen, and trying to convince them otherwise can just make them more stubborn. Excuse yourself if:

    • They try to gaslight you (Try to make you believe your past didn't happen how you remember it).
    • They try to make you feel like your experiences aren't valid.
    • They become aggressive or threatening.
    • They keep clinging to flimsy or false excuses and won't listen to reason.
    • They prove that they're not willing to understand your side. ("Nothing can change my mind...")
    • You feel like one or more of their points may be valid and you need to time to reflect and research further.
    • You don't feel that you can comfortably continue the discussion.
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Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Reflecting After the Argument

1. 
   1
   Take some time to calm down and recenter yourself. Arguing with a person in a position of privilege, especially if they are in a position of power, can be a tiring experience. You don't need to do it every day, and it isn't always your job to point out someone's privilege, especially if you’re surrounded by people who share an advantage that you don’t have. Walk away from the conversation and find a quiet place where you can be alone.

   • Breathe deeply, look at the sky, or get a drink of water. You may even want to take a short walk to refocus your mind and body.
2. 
   2
   Vent your emotions in a healthy way, then relax. Once you’ve calmed down and collected your thoughts directly following the argument, release your emotions by talking to a friend or family member, or writing them down in a journal. Then, work to fully relax yourself by trying something like meditation, taking a hot bath, or spending quiet time with a loved one.

   • It may take some time to process your feelings. That's okay.
3. 
   3
   Reconnect with others who can relate to your experience. Reach out to others with your same experiences or those who are in the same position as you are to remind yourself of why difficult discussions like these are important. Talk to people you know online or in-person, telling them what you went through, asking for support, and seeing what suggestions they have in case this happens again.

   • Reach out to members of your community online. You might write an anonymous post about the encounter in a group with other people who share your values. Just don't get caught up in another argument!
   • Look into the next meetup or protest for a cause you're involved in. It can help to have group catharsis to look forward to.
4. 
   4
   Continue to work for change in whatever ways you can. Don’t let this discussion be your endpoint. After reconnecting with others, look for the next meetup or protest for your cause, or write a post or an article about your opinions and beliefs. Regardless of whether this one conversation was success, you can keep making a difference.

   • Learn from your discussion and take those lessons forward into the next discussion you have. Remember to always stay calm, well-informed, and compassionate.
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Community Q&A

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• Question

  What is considered "privileged"?

  

  Community Answer

  Privileged generally refers to someone who has natural advantages in life that other people don't have. For example, if you live in an area with a highly rated public education system, you are privileged compared to someone who grew up in an area with underfunded, poorly performing schools. You can have privilege in some situations while still be disadvantaged in others.

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Tips

• Understand that people benefit from privilege if they are in a group that benefits from systematic oppression, whether or not they personally have a problem with the oppressed group(s).
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• While it’s important to get your point across effectively, don’t become angry and upset. Make your arguments clear and walk away with knowing you did your best to make your point.
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Warnings

• When arguing, never resort to shouting, name-calling, insulting, or physical threats. Never put up with it either. If the other person responds in that manner, walk away from the discussion.
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