How to Act when Someone is Stealing Your Friend

Do you feel left out when your friend hangs out with someone else? It may be that your friend wants to make new friends and doesn't realize that you feel left out, or it may be that one party is actively trying to leave you out. This problem is not easy to solve, but it can be done.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Looking at the Situation

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1
Examine the group dynamics closely. Does this new person try to get between you and your friend, or do they naturally fall together? Does anyone make an effort to include you in the discussion?
- Perhaps your friend is just making new friends, and nobody intends for you to feel left out.
- Maybe the new person is interested in befriending your friend, but doesn't click as well with you.
- Or you and your friend are drifting apart.
2
Evaluate your relationship with your friend. Have you ever teased your friend to the point of hurting their feelings, pushed them around, or argued with them a lot? Or do the two of you seem to not have much in common anymore? It may be that the new person isn't the cause of the problem, but that there is an issue between the two of you.
- If you're growing apart, it might be time to let the friendship fade.
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3
Start with the best possible assumption. It's possible that nobody is meaning to make you feel left out or forgotten. This may be happening without your friend, or your friend's friend, realizing that you feel hurt.
4
Try asking a trusted adult for advice. Choose someone who listens well, and often has good perspective. Try asking a parent, good friend, relative, school counselor, clergy member, or other trusted mentor. Explain what's going on, and ask for advice.
- Ask if you can get their advice on a problem.^{[1]XResearch source} If they're busy at the moment, you might need to try later.
- It's okay to ask multiple adults for advice. You can think carefully about it and see what feels best.

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Handling Things

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1
Take your friend aside and explain that you're feeling a little left out. Be honest and considerate. It might be that your friend didn't realize this, and will then fix the problem by including you more. Or, if something is upsetting them and causing them to get distant, they might tell you about it. Here are some good examples:
- "Kaja, I need to talk with you. Lately, when we're hanging out with Melanie, I feel a little left out. I'm glad that you're making new friends, but I'd like it if we could hang out a bit more together."
- "I felt sad about not being able to go to your party. I really value our friendship, and I worry that we're growing apart."
2
Consider telling the other person that you feel left out. The other person may not realize that you feel like a third wheel. Try non-aggressively expressing your feelings, using "I" statements. If the other person means well, they're likely to care about your feelings, and want to help fix the situation.
- "Sometimes, when you and Emily talk a lot about Star Trek, I feel a little left out, because I don't watch the show. I'm glad that the two of you have stuff you enjoy together. But I feel lonely. Maybe, when it's the three of us, we could focus more on things we all have in common?"
- "Sometimes when the three of us hang out, it ends with you and Joaquin talking a lot about cute girls while I just kind of sit there awkwardly. It makes me feel sad sometimes. I don't know what to do about that."
3
Remain polite towards the other person if possible. Most people do not intend to "steal" friends; they just naturally click better with one person than the other. Assume that they mean well, unless they have proven otherwise.
- Even if they have been rude or mean to you, stay civil. Ignore their behavior, or set a firm boundary (like "I need you to stop calling me names"). Ask an adult for help if they are routinely mistreating you.
4
Schedule one-on-one time with your friend. This way, you will maintain a strong relationship. If your friend wants to invite someone else, say "I'd rather it just be the two of us this time," and be willing to sometimes do group hangouts and sometimes do one-on-one hangouts.
- Plan outings together: to the beach, around town, to an amusement park, et cetera. This will give you and your friend bonding time.
- Do arts and crafts. Try painting, making friendship bracelets, drawing pictures of your favorite characters, et cetera.
- Get your friend's phone number (if you haven't already).
5
Consider inviting the new person to join you sometimes. Despite the rocky start, you could become a great trio!
- Try planning some events that involve only you and your friend, and inviting the new person along to some other events.
- It's okay if you don't want to befriend the new person. However, don't actively avoid them or try to separate them from your friend—this is hurtful, and could lead to bullying.
6
Don't start friend group drama. Don't involve mutual friends in this problem or try to get people taking sides. This means you shouldn't vent about your friendship problem to mutual friends. That can worsen friendship fractures.
- It's okay to need advice and support for this problem. Just get it from people outside the group instead of people inside it.
- If a mutual friend insists on knowing what's wrong, try to say something neutral that doesn't blame any party. Instead of "Ryan is stealing Lamar away from me," try "I'm worried that Lamar and I might be drifting apart and I don't want us to. But that's not your problem to solve and I'm trying to work it out with him."
7
Tell an adult if the other person or your friend is bullying you. Maybe they truly don't mean well, or they're pushing things too far without listening when you say so. Here are some ways to tell if you're being excluded on purpose:
- When you enter the room, people walk away from you
- People say upsetting things about you behind your back
- You're being threatened
- People make jokes that hurt your feelings, even if you say that it's upsetting you
- People don't listen when you ask them to knock it off
- The idea of talking to a certain person gives you a stomachache

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Staying Balanced

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1
Do your best to let go of blame or resentment. Sometimes, upsetting social situations happen without one person necessarily doing anything "bad" or "wrong." If nobody is intentionally treating you badly, then do your best to keep a forgiving attitude. Good people can make mistakes, and upset other people without realizing or meaning it.
2
Let out your feelings. Bottling up your feelings isn't healthy, and it can poison your relationships. Instead, find ways to express yourself and deal with your feelings. It's okay to have emotions about what's going on.
- Write in a journal.
- Talk to a good listener.
- Express yourself through art.
- Listen to sad songs and look out the window.
- Cry.
3
Be prepared to give it time. You may need time to reflect, and figure out how to handle the situation. After you talk to your friend, it may take some time for the situation to change. Do your best to take care of yourself while you handle things.
4
Spend time on yourself. It's important not to get too hung up on one relationship. Engage in your hobbies, take good care of your health, and spend plenty of time relaxing. Take care of yourself first.
5
Invest in other relationships. Make new friends, hang out with old friends, and spend time with your family members. Spending time with other people will help you gain perspective, and it will help you stay balanced.
- Invite people to hang out with you.
- Try making new friends. Go talk to someone who has always seemed cool, but hasn't interacted with you much.
6
Recognize when it's best to walk away. If the dynamic is causing you stress, so much that it's hurting your mental health or daily life (like sleep or school performance), then it may be time to take some space. Take a temporary or permanent break if the situation is causing too much stress.
- If people ask, you can say "I need some time to myself right now" or "I need some space."
- Use this time to talk to loved ones, take care of yourself, and do things that help you feel better.

Expert Q&A

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Question
How do I deal with being left out?
Chandler Chang, PhD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Dr. Chandler Chang is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist, the Founder & Owner of Golden Hour Therapy and Therapy Lab, and a Clinical Instructor at the University of Southern California. With nearly 20 years of experience, she specializes in providing evidence-based, science-backed treatments to toddlers, children, teens, families, and adults to target specific mental health problems or cultivate mental wellness. Dr. Chang earned a BA from Princeton University and a PhD in Psychology from The University of Georgia. She completed UCLA's pre-doctoral internship and trained at NYU’s Child Study Center and UGA Regents Center for Learning Disorders.
Chandler Chang, PhD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Expert Answer
Well, you should try to talk it out! Your first instinct is probably going to be to make a statement that's critical or somewhat slightly accusatory, but it's a better starting point to start with your own feelings. Always talk about how you're feeling with the situation, without putting your friend (or the one stealing them) against the wall.
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Question
How do I stop being left out?
Chandler Chang, PhD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Dr. Chandler Chang is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist, the Founder & Owner of Golden Hour Therapy and Therapy Lab, and a Clinical Instructor at the University of Southern California. With nearly 20 years of experience, she specializes in providing evidence-based, science-backed treatments to toddlers, children, teens, families, and adults to target specific mental health problems or cultivate mental wellness. Dr. Chang earned a BA from Princeton University and a PhD in Psychology from The University of Georgia. She completed UCLA's pre-doctoral internship and trained at NYU’s Child Study Center and UGA Regents Center for Learning Disorders.
Chandler Chang, PhD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Expert Answer
Make an effort to expand your friendship group so that you can think of this situation as adding on rather than being excluded. Just because someone you're friends with is friends with someone else doesn't mean you're necessarily losing a friend. It might be that you're just adding another friend into your network.
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Question
What do you call someone who steals your friends?
How.com.vn Staff Editor
Staff Answer
This answer was written by one of our trained team of researchers who validated it for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
How.com.vn Staff Editor
Staff Answer
One term for someone who does this is a “friend thief.” Some people simply call someone who acts this way a “friend stealer.”
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