3 Important Truths About Long-Distance Relationships (Plus, Tips and Advice)

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What you need to know before you tie the long-distance knot

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• Fact #1
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• Fact #2
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• Fact #3
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• Positives of an LDR
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• Tips

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Long distance relationships (LDR) present unique challenges—that’s no secret. But what exactly are you getting yourself into? What should you expect before you commit? And how do you overcome those challenges? We’re here with 3 harsh truths about what it’s like to be in an LDR and the hurdles you’ll face when you commit to one. But we won’t leave you hanging—we’ll also offer some practical strategies and invaluable advice for how to clear those hurdles and make your long-distance love work.

This article is based off an interview with our professional dating coach, John Keegan, founder of The Awakened Lifestyle. Check out the full interview here.

Things You Should Know

• LDRs make physical and emotional intimacy a challenge. Overcome this by sending each other gifts and spending plenty of time talking on video calls.
• Entering an LDR may negatively impact your mental health. Talk to a therapist about your well-being and join an LDR support group to meet like-minded people.
• Not much is certain in an LDR, and that can take a mental toll. Schedule plenty of in-person visits so you have something concrete to look forward to.

Steps

Section 1 of 4:

Fact #1: Long-distance relationships limit your intimacy.

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   You’ll go long periods without physical contact with your partner. This one’s no secret—it’s practically the definition of long-distance. But that doesn’t make it any easier to deal with once your partner steps onto that plane. It’s the little things that add up: missing hugs at the end of the day, holding hands, and small touches.

   • To express your affection for each other even while physically separated, give each other small trinkets, like jewelry, music boxes, or other tokens. Having a physical reminder of your love helps relieve the sting of their absence.
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   You might feel like you aren’t as emotionally close as you could be. Couples that spend their days together have a certain bond fostered by sharing a routine. It’s a familiarity that comes about through mere presence. In a long-distance relationship, you have to find other ways to be emotionally close, and that isn’t always easy, but it is possible.

   • For example, use technology to your advantage to make your LDR work. You may not be able to perfectly recreate a lazy Sunday around each other, but set up a video call and leave your phones propped on the dining table as you enjoy your evenings apart but together.
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   Making time for long-distance communication can be a challenge. When you don’t have the luxury of seeing each other every day, you have to schedule your face time. But often, life gets in the way and you’ll have to bail on a nightly call to help a friend move or to visit your parents. It happens, but these lapses in your communication can build up, and at some point a missed call hurts more than it should.

   • Avoid that hurt with a regular, unmissable meeting. Understand that things will inevitably come up, but establish 1 day a week where the both of you try your darndest to come to the phone. Let your friends and family know you can’t miss it.
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   Distance can put cracks in your trust. True, you can’t (and shouldn’t) keep constant tabs on your partner, but in an LDR, you know even less about your partner’s moment-to-moment activities. This can set your mind to wondering: who are they talking to? Are they seeing someone else? Do they want to be with me? It’s easy to grow distrustful of a partner when your contact is limited.

   • Combat those doubts by reminding yourself that these negative thoughts are unfounded. Any time you begin to think negatively about your partner, remember the times they expressed their love and affection. Those moments are real and reliable; your suspicions are not.
   • Build trust in your LDR by following through with your scheduled calls or check-ins, and giving plenty of notice if you think you’ll miss a call.
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   Financial expenses might put limits on your relationship's intimacy. Gas, plane tickets, hotels. Travel is necessary to enjoy time with your partner in person, but travel isn’t cheap. All those trips back and forth add up and start to put a strain on your finances, or limit how often you see them. Have an honest conversation with your partner about your money situation. Who makes more money? Who can afford to travel?

   • In addition, devise a financial strategy: alternate paying the cost of the trip, or have the more affluent partner bankroll travel, while the other picks up the dinner tab.
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   Digital date nights might get stale. Your date options during a long term relationship aren’t exactly diverse. Phone call, video call, dinner while on a video call, another phone call. At some point, it gets tedious or unexciting, which leads to a slump in the relationship itself, where you feel like this isn’t going anywhere.

   • If the constant calls get to be more of a hassle than a bonding experience, knock them down to 2 or 3 times a week, rather than every day, to give you some buffer time.
   • Keep your LDR exciting with activities you can do together digitally. Take a virtual cooking class together, play video games, or start a joint social media account dedicated to your hobbies.
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   You could start to look elsewhere for connection. At some point, in the absence of your partner, you begin to seek meaningful bonds elsewhere. It could be that you're putting more focus into your friendships than your relationship, or even that you’ve had thoughts of dating someone within walking distance, instead. They’re natural and understandable feelings, but that doesn’t make them easy to cope with.

   • Go ahead and foster those friendships—they’re a vital part of your social life in an LDR—but keep your partner up-to-date on that social life to help include them in your day-to-day interactions. Filling them in on the latest gossip can be a fun bonding experience.
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Section 2 of 4:

Fact #2: Going long-distance can take an emotional toll.

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   Many people in LDRs experience loneliness in some form. Loneliness in the absence of your partner, yes, but also loneliness around your friends and family. In an LDR, it’s easy to feel like nobody else really understands the particular challenges that kind of relationship can present, and that you’re alone in handling those challenges.

   • To process that loneliness, remember that your partner is handling those challenges, too! They’re your confidant here, so don’t hesitate to talk openly and honestly about your struggles in maintaining the LDR.
   • Join an in-person or online support group for people in LDRs. You’ll meet like-minded people who understand your situation and can offer advice from experience.
   • Reduce the pain of missing your LDR partner by spending quality time with other loved ones, like friends or family.
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   You could start to feel like life is passing you by. Sometimes, maintaining an LDR can feel like you’re putting your life on hold for the sake of the relationship. You miss out on fun activities like outings with your friends to call your partner instead. It seems like while everyone else is living their lives, your life is miles away, with your partner.

   • To nurture your own social life, ask your friends to reschedule small gatherings on your LDR off days. Then, come back and tell your partner all about the things you did since you last saw them.
   • Let your partner know about bigger events, like parties, a couple weeks ahead of time, so that there are no surprises or skipped check-ins.
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   Your own mental health may affect the relationship itself. If you’re struggling with pre-existing depression, low self-esteem, or another mental health condition, that problem can bleed into the relationship and cause a divide between you and your partner. Poor mental health causes you to withdraw, miss calls, and start to doubt your partner’s affection, which then loops back and only makes your mental health worse.

   • Keep your mental game strong by talking to a therapist, which will in turn improve your relationship. As a bonus, talk to your therapist about the relationship to seek professional advice for how to maintain your LDR.
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   Your motivation to maintain the LDR may start to wane. At some point, your LDR might start to feel like relationship limbo. You have a partner, but they’re not around. You’re in a relationship, but it doesn’t always feel like one. Without the immediacy of an in-person relationship, it’s easy to lose your motivation to keep the relationship going.

   • These feelings are normal and typically pass in time, but if they don’t, consider taking a break for a few weeks. With a month or so of no contact, you might find yourself appreciating your relationship more and sprinting back to the phone to talk to your partner.
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   You could start to compare your relationship to other relationships. That couple can hug whenever they want. This couple sees a movie every weekend. At some point, you may start to hold your LDR up to other, non-LDR couples in an attempt to see if it’s “working” or to see what you’re missing out on. Other couples are so obviously a “we,” a unit, but it’s hard to think of your own relationship that way.

   • To avoid this sort of thinking, remember that every relationship is vastly different from the next, even regardless of LDR troubles. Comparing your relationship to others’ is unfair and unproductive—you never know what other couples are struggling with.
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Section 3 of 4:

Fact #3: Long-distance relationships are full of uncertainty.

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   You’re often not sure when you’ll see your partner next. Every time you say goodbye at the end of a visit, you experience a little bit of loss. And not just loss, but anxiety about when you’ll be able to see them again. Those long periods without physical contact can become grating, and the uncertainty can start to wear on your nerves.

   • Avoid that uncertainty by scheduling the next visit each time you meet up with your partner. This way, even as you say goodbye, you have another concrete and certain calendar date to look forward to, when you’ll see them again.
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   You may be unsure of when the LDR phase will end. Sometimes an LDR has a definite end date: your partner will be done with that extended business trip, or graduate, etc. But other times, you just don’t know when you’ll be able to reunite permanently. That unknown tends to hang over your head like a constant rain cloud, and you start to worry about how long you can keep this up.

   • If you can, set a target month or at least a target year for when the two of you will transition out of the LDR phase. Even if you can’t put a certain date on it, having a ballpark estimate will relieve some of the tension caused by that uncertainty.
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   You can never be totally sure of what your partner’s thinking. So much of interpersonal communication happens with those little in-person subtleties—body language, tone, and small facial expressions that get lost even over a video call. And that communication gap is widened by all the time you’re not talking to them, and you can’t help but wonder what sort of life they lead when not on a call.

   • Minimize that gap by making it a point to have frequent emotional check-ins. Don’t hesitate to say what's on your mind, big or small, to help normalize communicating your more internal feelings.
   • Or, stay emotionally connected in an LDR by pouring your more vulnerable feelings into a letter. It’s often easier to communicate more complex emotions in writing, and the physical communication is intimate in ways a call isn’t.
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   You may be unsure of what life even looks like after the LDR phase. Long-distance is one thing, but making the jump to a more traditional relationship is another. Will the two of you get along in closer quarters? What’s it like sharing a routine with your partner? Do they put the toilet seat down when they use the restroom? You’ve made it work so far, but will it work when the big move-in day comes?

   • Prepare for post-LDR life by asking your partner about the minutiae of their own day to get to know their habits and find out what to expect. Ask things like: when do they eat dinner? How often do they brush their teeth? Do they like cilantro? It seems silly, but there’s satisfaction to be found when you move in together and already know these things about them.
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Section 4 of 4:

Positives of a Long Distance Relationship

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1. 
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   Absence makes the heart grow fonder. As painful as all that distance can be, it also serves as a powerful reminder of your love for your partner. Every time you reunite, you’re reminded of how much you care for them, and how the temporary distance was worth the chance to eventually jump into their arms.
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   Your independence can be liberating. Sure, the distance hurts, but don’t take your independence for granted. While many couples feel stifled by their in-person partners, you’ve got free reign of your life outside of those regular calls. In fact, long-distance relationships are often ideal for couples who value their personal space and freedom.
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   Your trust and relationship are strengthened when you are together. All that distance is just a practice run for the real deal. You’ve weathered the doubt and loneliness and learned to be more independent and self-assured in your relationship. That means when you finally do reunite, you’re better equipped for life together, perhaps even more so than couples who haven’t experience long distance.
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   An LDR provides a structure and a schedule for your life. After a long day of work, you look forward to your nightly talk with your partner. And you know that next month, you’ll see them in person again. And months after that, you look forward to moving in with them. An LDR gives you a regular structure to your daily life, as well as a timeline for the relationship. Often, these contribute to relationship success—your expectations are clear, and you enjoy keeping them.
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   You form a bond with someone regardless of proximity. With traditional relationships, your romantic possibilities are limited by the map. But in an LDR, you get to enjoy the company and companionship of someone regardless of distance. You also get to enjoy their personal lifestyle, cultures, and even their physical home when you go and visit. Those differences in cultures can offer challenges, true, but also invaluable opportunities to broaden your own horizons.
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Tips

• If you feel overwhelmed by any negative aspects of an LDR—the distance, emotional limitations, or personal doubts—talk to your partner or a close friend about them. If it’s too much, consider ending the relationship.
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